For the past two years, I led a life apart from God. I still went to church, still told people I was Christian, but I closed my heart from the Spirit and from God. I became distracted by the petty superficial insignificant things of the world and slowly, without even realizing, I grew further and further away from Him. I forgot about the crazy, replenishing, uplifting, vastly huge love that God gives us and somehow deluded myself into thinking that I didn't need it, that the world could give me better. I poured all of my love and time into the wrong things and the wrong people.
For this period of time, I lived in darkness, stubbornly convincing myself that it was 'easier' than living a Godly life. Without even realizing, it slowly ate away at my soul, my spirit, and my heart.
I became insatiable, constantly running after things that I believed would bring me happiness.
I became doubtful, exploring the world and its extensive knowledge, learning about the theories against the validity of the Bible and of Jesus.
I became sinful, entrenched in it, falling into sins and temptations left and right.
I became fearful, afraid that I only believed in God because I grew up with it, afraid that I was previously living in ignorance and blindness.
This past summer, I wrestled with the concept of faith. A stranger--a pharmacist tech I worked with at the hospital-- made me realize how narrowly I viewed things--how I believed and followed so many "societal norms" and beliefs because of how I was raised and of who I hung around with. I became shocked at how blind and brainwashed I was. Suddenly, I became so afraid that everything I believed in and knew about the world was just a fabrication and reflection of what people told me and not genuine knowledge.
In the end, I've realized that it takes a bit of faith to believe in just about anything. As a pharmacy student, studying three sciences every semester, I have faith in the professors and in the authors of our textbooks that what they have written down, what they are teaching, is indeed the truth. People say they believe in science because they can see it and they can prove it, but more often times than not, they believe in it without seeing the hard evidence and proving it themselves. Who, while studying, actually goes out of their way to prove everything they're learning? It is impossible to do that for everything that we know and learn. In many cases, with scientific theories and especially history, it is impossible to accurately prove anything. There are so many chances of bias and human error that can skew the validity of anything.
So if we can have faith in our fellow human authors and scientists and historians and scholars, shouldn't we be able to have faith in God, our perfect-in-every-way creator?
It used to bother me that religion could be all in my head and fabricated by people for social needs or for philosophical needs. But the way I see it now is, if it makes me a better person, if it makes me feel whole and complete and loved like never before, if it makes me see and appreciate the world and people around me, then why not? Nothing else is able to uplift me in such a pure and wholly complete way. And if I am somehow fabricating all of this in my head, then so be it. It doesn't make it any less important to me. This is the way I will pursue my life, my creator, my purpose, and my happiness.
To my Christian friends who see this, please pray for me. I still have a long way to go and it is so easy to just fall back away from God. My faith is still shaky, despite everything I've realized and learned. Thanks brothas and seestahs <3
