I am grief
after my my grandfather died it felt like my head was above the water. i kept it afloat as to not sink deep and face the truth that he is truly gone. it has been nearly 5 months now and i’m finally sinking.
maybe what i’m experiencing is a mere part of grief where losing someone is dawning on you months after their death. yes, I suffered after he was gone, but not like this. I thought I’d gradually accept his loss, instead, I’m suffering more and more each day. I reached a point where I just felt incredibly sorry for myself, because the pain is terribly painful, I don’t even know how I’ll move forward with my life. I also thought about those people who’s lost in life and became drug addicts or alcoholics in need of rehab, loved ones shun them, I start to ask why? what turned you into that? it’s pain, all they are is pain, everything is painful. the thing is it’s not surprising if i turn to one of them. even my family doesn’t know what to do with me anymore. i’m getting psychiatric help but i have no idea if it’s working. i guess losing my grandfather made me lose myself too.
losing my grandfather dawned on me months after his death. it changed me in incomprehensible ways; I used to be a goal oriented lively person now I have lost any sense of direction in life, I have nothing to look forward to, and all I see is pain. maybe i’ll be back one day and my grandfather will be proud of what I’ve achieved, but for now i’m shrouded by grief, for grief is all i am.
