#nkblogs

[really0really0]

i want to disappear

i want to disappear. no, i don’t want to unalive myself (for now), i just want to go somewhere far. i want to go to a place where no one knows me; in a place where i have this tiny cozy home, in a small town, in a place far far away, maybe somewhere in europe. i know you’re curious why, actually i’m curious as well. this thought has been laying on my mind for quite some time, and after long hours of contemplation, i finally figured it out; i think i just want peace. i’m not saying my life isn’t peaceful, well it isn’t, but it isn’t that chaotic either. i think a lot of things have corrupted my life and it deeply affected my sanity. 

i just aspire that calmness, peace— serenity. i don’t know if it can mend my sanity, but i’m sure it can fix something inside of me.

however, i am aware, it isn’t easy; cause technically i’m abandoning my life here. my friends and family will surely worry about me. but i think some of them will just know— if one day my room is empty and there’s a note on my desk. 

maybe all of this is merely a fantasy…or maybe it isn’t.

“running away is easy, it's the leaving that's hard”

[nnnikkka]

What am I contributing to society?

What am I contributing to society?

.

Ang lungkot ng balita ngayon. Nadala na rin ako. Grabe ang biniyaya samin ng Panginoon. Hindi samin napunta ako bagyo. We're safe in our own houses. We have drinking water available.

I can only offer prayers to the unfortunate ones. Pero yun lang nga ba talaga ang kaya ko? I think not. Pero ako lang naman 'to eh. Napakatamad. Napaka-selfish. Walang initiative. Hanggang sabi lang. Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

.

Ilang ulit na saming sinabi ng mga guro namin na dapat maging role model kami since kabilang kami sa top section. Pero in my four years sa HS may nagawa ba talaga ako para sa nakararami? Ang kinaaabalahan ko lang naman ay yung sa ikabubuti ng klase namin.

.

More than 2 years na ako sa YFC. Twice na rin ako naka-ILC. At ngayon na malapit na ang ILC Manila, my 3rd ILC, napaisip pa ako? International LEADERS Conference di ba ang pupuntahan ko, sa 2 ILC na napuntahan ko ano ba ang naging epekto 'non sa mga kapwa ko YFC? Ano ba ang ginawa ko para sa kanila? Ano ba ang natutunan ko na nakatulong sa kanila? Youth for Conference lang naman ako eh. Nagsisisi kasi hindi nakabili ng ganitong shirt, hindi nakapag-picture sa ganitong lugar. Napaka-unworthy ko lang.

.

Mga drama sa buhay ko na hindi masyadong selfish. BOW.

[nnnikkka]

Basta. Masaya ang araw ko ngayon. Dahil 'yon kay God. My grades are good. Dahil din 'yon kay God. And I love family. Mas lalong dahil yon kay God.

All of the goodness in my life is from Him. Why wouldn't I be happy? :)

[nnnikkka]

Powerless

This night my heart was broken by the person I loved the most. But not because he didn't love me anymore. It's something else. What would you do if the person you love the most dreams to be a priest? Nothing. And I think that is the hardest heartache. You can't do anything sane just for him to go back with you. I can't do anything else but to accept and understand. But I'm not mad or upset to the core. I just feel so powerless. I feel actually feel bad for becoming a barrier between him and the Lord. I feel like as if I'm pest to be killed. Or a parasite. Lord God, this night will past. This ache will fade. This powerlessness will disappear. I just have to accept this. My God made me strong and tough so that I won't be affected by some things like this for a longer period of time. I'm like a bus on its daily rounds. I have to move on to the next stop. To the next big thing I have to focus on. Which is my grades. If ever I'll be sitting by the stage at graduation, I would feel proud of myself because I've actually managed to not think of him anymore. But of course that's just one of the many reasons I have. This night will be still as water. No more aching, hopefully. Just a clear logical unbiased mind.

[nnnikkka]

Malungkot nga lang talaga

Nagsimula sa maliliit na frustrations hanggang umabot sa balitang may nawalan ng buhay.

Bago ko pa nalaman ang tungkol sa brother natin from Davao, hindi na talaga maganda pakiramdam ko. Kasi lahat ng nararamdaman ko hanggang ramdam na lang talaga. Walang outlet; walang karamay. Sanay na ako sa ganon eh. Kaya di gaano ako na-bother pero nang nabalitaan ko ang tungkol sa brother natin from Davao, ayun, grabe ang lungkot ko. Though I've never heard of him up to now, what he did was worth of praise. It makes you think of what you do with your life. Am I too selfish to not care about the people around me? No matter how small their problem is I still don't give a helping hand? And I think about all of my frustrations. Ang frustrations kong hinding hindi nakamamatay. I feel sad not just because of this heroic brother's death but also because of how I became so useless overtime. Inactive na nga ako sa YFC, ang pinakamamahal kong YFC, at nagtuloy-tuloy na ang pagiging dull ko. Pero God is still with me but I admit that there's this empty space within me. Yung space na mapupuno lang ng mga moments sa loob ng community.

Basta malungkot. :|

[nnnikkka]

I love Sofia Louise Andres

Yan ang nakalagay sa GM ni *******. Nasira talaga yung maganda kong mood. Hindi na ako nag-bother magreply pa. Inisip ko na kala ko ba nagbago na siya, kala ko totoo na yung mga sinasabi niya sakin. Tinatanong ko rin kung sino nga ba yang Sofia Louise Andres?! Kaya yun. Napa-online ako. Nag-rant muna tsaka ko na hinanap si Sofia Louise Andres sa facebook. And look what I saw. Mga fan page. Natawa ako sa sarili ko nang todo. Through the silliness, I felt relieved. :D

[nnnikkka]

HAPPY HAPPY! :D

Ten more days bago yung deadline ng investigatory proj namin at kahit nag-cram ako, malapit na ako matapos. :D Testing na lang! Actually marami pa ang tatrabahuhin pero mas madali na. :D

Salamat sa Panginoon! Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ko 'to magagawa lahat.

[nnnikkka]

Simula 2nd year at nang naging YFC ako, hiniling ko na maging YFC rin ang 23 kong kaklase. Ngayong 4th year lang, 1/4 palang sa klase namin ang YFC. Over 2 years and many youth camps, hindi natupad ang hiling ko. But now, it doesn't matter. Ngayon ko lang na-realize na hindi mo kailangan maging YFC para mahalin ang Panginoon.

Sa 2 years ko kasama ang mga kaklase kong ito, ngayon ko lang nakita ang pagiging expressive namin sa pagmamahal at kasobrang galing ng Panginoon. We underwent two big challenges so far: UPCAT at Sabayang Pagbigkas, at lahat 'yan pinagdasalan namin talaga. Sa Sabayang Pagbigkas, binayayaan talaga kami ng Panginoon kasi nakamit namin ang 1st place. Wala talagang imposible kapag pinaghirap at pinagdasalan ng mabuti. Hopefully, pag dating sa UPCAT ay pagbigyan din kami ni Lord pero kung hindi naman ayos lang dahil may mas maganda syang plano para sa amin.

Heto pa, sa apat na taon namin sa HS ang adviser namin ngayon ang pinakamapagmahal. PROMISE. Wala ka nang hahanapin na iba. She doesn't only take care of us physically, but also socially and most importantly spiritually.

Best year talaga ang 4th year. Pero pag dating sa service ko, kabaliktaran naman.

Ever since naging YFC ako, active talaga ako. Nagbago lang yan ngayon. Hindi naman dahil sa kinalimutan ko na sila, marami lang talagang dapat gawin. Ngayong 4th year kasi, member ako ng Luzon Tip, org na nagma-manage sa school paper namin. And we have workshops every weekend. Yung mga YFC activity naman every weekend kaya yun wala. 

This school year, may subject ulit kaming Research. We're required to submit a research project. At nagkataon na nagustuhan ni ma'am yung previous research namin, sabi niya yun na raw ang gawin ko. Ipapang-contest daw. Kaya heto ako stressed na busy pa. Expected kasi na matapos ang project by this September kasi yan ang oras ng contest.

September is the month dedicated to Science. Kaya pag-first week ng September may summit. At nagkataon na ang kaklase ko at ako ay napili para sa Engineering Challenge. Ironic lang kasi kaming dalawa ay walang hilig sa engineering. Pero nag-oo na rin kami. We have to make a savonious wind mill and we have two weeks to do it.

This September din ang kauna-unahang HS based camp namin sa SNHS. Kaya yun, dahil sa mga activities, hindi ako makakapag-serve. Hindi lang camp ang activity ng YFC, marami pa. 

Oo masaklap. Pero studies muna. I thrive for excellence. That's a big goal kaya everything I do for school counts. 

^ That summarizes everything I feel at the moment. 

Lord iaalay ko Sayo lahat.