#kaleen

[scaredforboomboom]

Amsterdam pre-party Joost 🖤💙

+ bonus

[allthesepurplelights]

✨ Class of 2024 ✨

[magpies-gold]

Mostly posting on Bluesky these days, but every once in a while I should probably drop my art here, too, hey? Recents.

[gimmethatgg]

Got 9/10 right. I don't know what the fuck happened with Belgium. The staging was underwhelming but not that bad lmao. And Latvia??? Congratulations on breaking your non qualification streak... I think..?

The other one is obviously the genocide poster child, I'm not posting her but, yeah, unfortunately she made it.

For a minute, when I saw Dons announced first I hoped maybe he might have eaten her spot but... Alas...

[cherusque]

Silia Kapsis 🇦🇺 🇨🇾 & Kaleen 🇦🇹

[ars-theurgia]

Anarchy & Apathy (things we should probably learn from Eurovision 2024)

(tl;dr – a review of the voting process is critical; Croatia should have won)

It’s a rare year that sees a consensual Eurovision winner. It is to be expected – the contest is not only a competition of musical taste, but also of musical identity. There is more than simply genre, melody or vocals at play, as these are often filtered through the lens of national sensibility. At face value, a stereotype of geopolitics; at a deeper level, the actual cultural wealth of each European region. 'Our neighbours', etc. To which of course, theatrics and gimmicks are added, in the hopes of standing out from the rest of the crowd.

This is what makes, or should make, watching Eurovision a positive experience. Which this year, failed spectacularly on all counts, leading to a problematic, underwhelming and polarising edition, derailed on Thursday night and crashing its way through apathy and anarchy all the way to the grand final.

Apathy, because it seemed to want to get away with being apolitical. Anarchy, because it failed to carry out apolitical acts.

And from each side, its worst attribute, resulting in what feels like a bland and uncomfortable watch.

This year, Eurovision attempted (and in my view, failed) to manage itself by allowing too many paradoxes to take place. Glaring inconsistencies, arbitrary exclusions, aloof silences, inability (or lack of desire) to address core issues and legacy accusations – a broken code. A program in error, glitching and ineffectual, all under the symbolic and literal guise of “neutrality” – which doesn’t stick. And worse, seems to negate the actual positive aspects of the show, this year neutralised themselves.

This isn’t to say Switzerland did or did not deserve the win – the voting conditions of both jury and public are clearly stated, and in theory were applied. The jury voted, the people voted, and the winner was chosen.

But unlike other years where a similar pattern of voting distribution could be considered ‘curious’, and where ‘the safer song’ wins over the public favourite – see Käärijä 2023 – this year’s jury results feel unjust not only to the runner-up, but to the vast majority of contestants. And by extension, the viewers.

Stage presentation was ignored (see UK for the extreme example, and Ireland for a less radical, visually incompatible result).

Vocal performance was ignored (see Norway’s Gunnhild/Gåte for the extreme example, along with Portugal’s Iolanda; Germany’s Isaak, possibly the strongest vocalist in the competition this year; Israel’s Eden Golan for the complete disregard of vocal ability over nationality).

Radio-friendly potential was ignored (see Luxembourg’s ‘Fighter’, Cyprus’ ‘Liar’, Italy’s ‘La Noia’, Austria’s ‘We Will Rave’ even).

Resulting once again, in a surprisingly cohesive jury vote that deems Switzerland’s ‘The Code’ as the winner, over the fifth place that the public attributed it.

Being neutral is not the same as being objective. And while objectivity is difficult to gauge in a contest where musical taste and national identity (not to mention global politics) are part of the formula, there is a case to be made for the fact that Eurovision and the EBU’s passivity and top-up decision making reflects poorly on the Eurovision experience.

Recurring discrepancies between jury and public voting should be addressed. Because a jury’s role (in Eurovision and elsewhere) should not be of neutrality, but of objective action.

In objective action, a contestant cannot be excluded without a proper justification, to date only explained through vague declarations and heavy speculation (see Netherlands).

In objective action, and in a self-identified democratic continent, the people’s paid vote should inform the winning result over a closed group of juries (see Croatia’s disproportionate second place).

In objective action, rules must be enforced equally to all contestants (see Ireland, who had to remove part of their presentation, vs. Portugal, who was allowed to show a message through nails).

And in objective action, microphones should not be silenced; contestants must be allowed the freedom to be judged by the people listening, and not on what the EBU determines should be judged.

Until that’s learned, processed, addressed, reformed – why watch for disappointment?

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: #15

15. AUSTRIA Kaleen - "We will rave" 25th place

Decade Ranking: 50/153 [Above Systur, below Lesley Roy]

WHEN THE DARKNESS HITS AND WE CAN'T BE SAVED

WIRAM WI DAM DAM DA WE WILL RAVE

Fucking AMAZING chorus. At this stage of the ranking, I don't really give too many shits about the flaws in the product. And that's for the best because Holy Hell Kaleen that was NOOOOOOOT GOOOOOOOD (objectively). Fortunately it was still very entertaining (also objectively?), so.

Also at this point, you may expect some real emotional investment from my part and Kaleen is clear example of that too. SHE, more than anyone else, was the uncrowned queen of Millennial Monroehood this year. Not only did she provide a fucking BANGER from the time I was a middleschooler, she also SERVED:

LOOKS

PERSONALITY

POISE

JE NE SAIS QUOI

ATTITUDE

and also NONE OF THE VOCALS. 😍 😍 😍

And this comes on top of her song being leaked two months in advance off Marvin Dietmann's laptop, and becoming a viral hit among millennial eurotwitter BEFORE its full release ♥ (and I fully buy into the conspiracy theory that the leak was intentional to build hype.)

But yeah, this performance was heavily flawed, I won't deny that. "We will rave" is a great song and it's only 15th on my ranking, that's how far south that went.

It is equal parts comical and tragic that Marvin Dietmann arranged for his PARTNER (I assumed "business partner" at first, but apparently also partner in a domestic sense? Yeah I'm as surprised as you are that he likes the clam.) to be cast for Eurovision and then failed to provide staging for her that capitalized on her strengths.

Kaleen is a professional dancer and dance instructor.

She runs Marvin's Dance School FOR HIM, FOR A LIVING.

The leak showed a vibrant dance choreography that allowed her to (barely) provide passable vocals.

She's a natural born performer of the ~rhythmic arts~

So what does Marvin do?

HE REDUCES HER DANCE ROUTINE TO THE TYPE OF TARD DANCE ANYONE CAN EXECUTE.

HAS HER WALK AROUND THE STAGE. NOT DANCE. WALK.

AND HAD HER DANCERS SHIMMY HER AROUND IN LIEU OF A DANCE BREAK.

ALL SO THAT SHE CAN DELIVER THE BEST VOCAL PERFORMANCE... WHICH IS... WORSE THAN IN THE DEMO BECAUSE UM HELLO EARTH-TO-MARVIN:

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A DANCER, AND NOT A SINGER.

And all of that, I mean I'm sorry, is fucking hilarious, foremost. I know the live was "bad" but god it was really good at being bad. Casting your girlfriend and then FAILING to take her skillset (anything involving movement) into account is so uproariously funny to me. The staging was not bad on paper (it tried to increase momentum via the lasers and looks good if you mute), but it featured a slow, aenemic choreography that couldn't keep up with the music's light speed pace. That same dichotomy killed Halo, killed Edgar and almost killed "We Will Rave" too. This is the choreo you'd give to someone who cannot dance either due to being a block of wood (Dons) or old (Meri Bas.).

Even Firefighter, which is a fucking abortive attempt at a "dance song", had more tempo and life and let Nutsa (who is NOT a dancer) perform a break by herself. Christ Marvin.

(Granted it may be the outfit that forced Kaleen to perform a pantomime rather than a dance, but if that's the case... change the outfit? If those boots restrict your mobility, then don't wear them AT ALL, you know?)

However, as much as my appreciation for the live is based on irony and schadenfreude, I also just really love the song that much. "We will rave" is the best written girlbanger of this year - catchy, infectuous, smoking hot, and a wonderful throwback to the good Flemish techno of the early aughts. It's such a fucking banger in the style of Milk Inc, Lasgo, X Session, Touch of Joy, 2Fabiola, etc.

The prechorus and lyrics are delectable, and Kaleen is, despite her vocal inaccuracies, a charming hostess and style icon. Her personality is the saving grace of this live performance and the reason why I still embrace it in the face of its many mistakes. As disrespectful as Marvin's choreography was, she was flawless in its execution. SHE is what turns "We Will Rave" into a ride. The choreo and the results both did her dirty, but eh. Someone had to finish near the bottom. This year, that was Austria.

Now SAVOUR this last ever instance of them being fun in Eurovision because they'll only send salvaduncans from hereonout. If Eurovision isn't cancelled first, of course.

THE RANKING

[denypipa]

Okay, love this eurodance vibe

Feels like I'm in 2005 again 😫