Lance demonstrates a one-handed running mount onto Kaltenecker here. He really must've grown up on a farm (or at least farm adjacent) after all. Truly a man of many talents.
...Really wish we'd gotten more of Lance's backstory!
ooc: I wrote a silly little scene I wished we had in the show of kaltenecker getting washed, @lance-mcclain-offical @keithk-offc @tshiro-offc @adam-w-official @pidge-holt-offical
I hope you guys like it!
Operation: Clean the cow
"This is your fault," Keith said, trying to get purple goo out of his hair.
"MY fault?" Lance's voice went high. "YOU said washing a cow would be easy!"
"That was before Kaltenecker rolled in a pile of... what even IS this?" Keith sniffed his glove and immediately wished he hadn't.
"Maybe it's alien fuel. Or space cheese. Could be either, honestly," Lance said. He was covered in the same purple gunk.
"MOO!" Kaltenecker shook herself hard, spraying more purple stuff everywhere.
Both paladins dove behind a crate.
"Okay, new plan," Keith said, peeking out. "We wait for her to fall asleep and then—"
"We are NOT sneaking up on my cow while she sleeps! That's breaking her trust!"
"She's covered in space fuel! She might be dangerous!"
"She's not dangerous, she's just dirty." Lance stood up. "We need a real plan. A strategy."
Keith raised an eyebrow. "You? Strategy?"
"Excuse me, I have LOTS of strategies. I beat Pidge at chess once."
"She was asleep."
"Still counts!"
Kaltenecker mooed again, and Keith swore the cow looked smug. Somehow she'd gotten even dirtier, now with garbage stuck to her head.
"Where is she even FINDING this stuff?" Keith asked.
"I think she's doing it on purpose," Lance whispered. "Look at her."
The cow looked right at Lance and rolled onto her back on purpose, getting even more gross stuff all over herself.
"KALTENECKER, NO!" Lance yelled.
"I'll get the hose," Keith sighed.
Five minutes later, Keith came back with something that barely looked like a hose. It looked more like an alien monster that happened to spray water.
"Where did you find that?" Lance asked nervously.
"Storage. Coran said it's for emergency cleaning."
"Keith. Dude. That thing has teeth."
"They're not teeth, they're... spray nozzles."
"THOSE ARE TEETH."
The hose-thing made a weird gurgling noise.
"Look, do you want to wash the cow or not?" Keith asked.
Lance looked at Kaltenecker. She was now eating space hay while covered in filth. "Fine. But if that thing bites me, I'm telling Shiro."
"Deal."
They walked up to Kaltenecker really slowly, like she might explode.
"Okay girl," Lance said sweetly. "We're just gonna give you a nice bath. Nothing scary—"
Kaltenecker ran.
"GRAB HER!" Keith yelled.
The cow ran left. Keith jumped left and missed. Lance tried to corner her, but she actually JUMPED over a stack of boxes that was taller than Keith.
"SINCE WHEN CAN SHE JUMP?" Keith shouted.
"I'VE BEEN TRAINING HER!" Lance yelled back.
"FOR WHAT? COW OLYMPICS?"
"IT'S CALLED ENRICHMENT!"
Kaltenecker started running in circles around them, leaving purple hoof prints everywhere. The hose in Keith's hands started spraying water in every direction.
"TURN IT OFF!" Lance yelled as water hit him in the face.
"I'M TRYING!" Keith fought with it, but that just made it spray harder.
Kaltenecker saw her chance and ran for the door—which opened right then.
Shiro walked in. "Hey guys, have you seen—"
Kaltenecker, moving super fast for a cow, crashed right into Shiro. She covered him completely in purple goo. Then she jumped over him and ran down the hallway.
Total silence.
Shiro stood in the doorway, dripping purple. His face was blank.
"We can explain," Lance said quietly.
"Can you?" Shiro asked. His voice was scary-calm.
Both boys stayed quiet.
Shiro looked at them. Then at the messy cargo bay. Then back at them.
"I'm going to take a shower," he said slowly. "A very long shower. When I come back, this room will be clean, Kaltenecker will be clean, and we never talk about this again."
No, no, no- Keith is right, how is Kaltenecker talking? She's a cow. Cows can't talk? Unless she's like, an actual alien cow? I just always thought she got abducted by aliens....but now I'm wondering if she's an alien....?
Lance is humming to himself, brushing Kaltenecker’s fur with a dense brush in the cusp of autumn to winter weather. Clean air fills his lungs as the breeze is crisp with frosty air and the faint scent of morning dew. Air eases through the barn doors, mixing in between the smells of hay and the barn heaters in the corner.
He wears an olive puffer vest, old jeans with a bit of dirt across the knees, and black boots. His nose and cheeks are a little red (like Rudolph) from the chill of the morning air.
It’s easier to breathe on Earth, miles and miles away from the stratosphere he spent a few years defending the universe.
“You know what’s so special about Earth, miss Kaltenecker?”
“Mooo.”
Chuckling, he continues to brush as he reminisces.
“It’s the fresh air that fills your lungs with life, the trees that make your heart sing with colour, the green grass that comes to life from the soft soil of the ground. It’s…” He pauses to reflect, eyes downcast and vulnerable. “It’s the home you build with your loved ones along the way.”
“Mooo.”
“God, I missed Earth.” His brows knit together with a lopsided smile as he lifts his head up. “You must’ve missed Earth too, huh?”
“Mooo.”
He found Kaltenecker in the Space Mall, given away free of purchase with a game console. You know, he didn’t realise cows were genuinely abducted by aliens.
He sighs, he can imagine how scared she must’ve been.
“I’m sorry that happened to you, sweet girl.”
Indifferent, the cow moo’s, chewing on hay.
“You know, we’re kind of alike, you and I.” He chuckles, brushing away. “We were both abducted by…” he pauses again, a little murky in his eyes. “Alien war machines… taken away from our families, thrust into the unknown.”
It’s a little scary to think about how quick it all happened too.
“Mooo.”
“One day I’ll take you to the beach. Aw, it’s beautiful, just like you.”
He loves the beach—the sand between his toes, the smells of the salt breeze on the tip of his tongue, the feeling of the cold water crashing into his body, swimming and surfing away the stresses of everyday life.
“You know, I went to the beach recently with everyone. It was so fun.” He laughs at an abrupt memory trickling through his mind. “Pidge became a mermaid in the sand, Hunk made these really intrinsically detailed sandcastles, and Keith… well…“
A quick flash of memories wash over his mind:
Keith and Lance wrestling in the water, ocean drops laying bare on his chiseled chest, dripping down every inch of his crazy-toned body, his swim trunks becoming a bit too heavy and tight around his hips and butt. Damp hair dripping onto his broad, strong, grizzled, tanned shoulders as he tackles Lance into the water, chests touching with giddy laughter…
A thought echoes: he looked criminally good under the Cuba sun.
He coughs, his cheeks deepening a damning red in colour.
“Nevermind.”
He stops brushing, puts down the dense brush and grabs a bucket. He puts it down under her udders, grabs a stool and sits down. Lifting his jacket sleeves up, he prepares to milk her.
“You ready, sweet girl?”
“Mooo.”
He grips her udders gently, pulling down and the rush of milk falls into the bucket.
“Good job, beautiful. Now, where were we? Yeah, Earth is my favourite planet, hands down. It’s the seasons shifting, being surrounded by family, eating pizza by the waters of Varadero Beach…”
His mind wanders wistfully to Keith again, who’s currently miles away from Earth on a relief mission.
He thinks he should take him to that pizza shack.
Show him around Cuba, where he grew up, the markets, the plazas, the parks, his family home.
Maybe during the summer when it’s all being rebuilt again from the war.
Maybe they can both help with relief in Cuba.
A thought echoes in his mind: Maybe if I’m brave enough, I’ll video call him later.
Which is silly In retrospect—he’s fought wars alongside his friends, his found Voltron family, has almost died a few times in the process, and that’s what makes him nervous?
