#kanaar

[hellaprotoss]

Rough sketch of my young Akilae family--huge-man, murder-lady, and their progeny

[hellaprotoss]

I have too many of these damn sketch pages

[speakloserspeak-blog]

To Katie-

Over the holiday break I was able to travel home for a brief visit. I spent most of my time with my parents and my (at the time) very pregnant sister.  Being away for as long as I have now, these small visits mean the world to me. The same thing goes for spending time with my friends. Plus I arrived home just in time for my birthday, which has become a day I dread, but in this case I was excited to celebrate.

After a few days of holiday parties, I was finally able to break away and get together with a few of the crew. If you have read this blog in the past, then you know how much fun we can have, as was the case this particular Sunday night. We all gathered at a house, conversed and caught up, and then began to drink as if we were eighteen again. A tradition we seem to always fall back on. The night moved quickly and before any of us had realized it, we were at a bar spending money like we had too much of it. In all honesty, the rest of the night (for me) is a complete blur. Again, a tradition we seem to always fall back on.

I did, however, vaguely remember receiving a card from my friend Alex, and then doing some kind of slam poetry (I’ve been told the two events were connected…I can only assume I performed phenomenally). The card was from his girlfriend who I have yet to meet. It wasn’t until the next morning during the drive home that I remembered the odd card I had received. I dug it out of my back pocket, chuckled at the cover, and then read the handwritten message on the inside.

I’ll paraphrase: “Nic: I’ve never met you, but I’ve heard so much about you, I already consider you a friend. Happy Birthday and I look forward to meeting you someday. Also, I hear you’re very handsome and hung like the business end of a garden hose. From Katie (Alex’s girlfriend).”

Ok, so maybe she didn’t say that last part, but I’m pretty sure it was implied…ok it wasn’t implied at all, but I could really use the compliment. Either way, I reread the card over and over again during the course of the next two days. For some reason, this card made me feel happy, but I couldn’t pin point as to why. I didn’t even know this woman, but then it hit me: the fact that I didn’t know her is what made this card so extraordinary.

            Not only did this random card prove how good my friends really are (especially you Alex, thanks for the kind words), but it also indicated how nice of a person Katie is. And I know this seems a little mushy for Speak Loser Speak, but to hell with it.

If everyone took the time to express human decency the way Katie did then maybe this world wouldn’t seem so fucking cold sometimes, and that to me, deserves some recognition.

So, in response to the birthday card that has started my 28th year, I say this:

  To Katie:

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Nic Kanaar

  P.S. The rumors are true; I’ve had to go from a medium to a large size shirt because my muscles have gotten so big, and yes, these crimson blue eyes do come with the package. Please tell all of your single friends.

[speakloserspeak-blog]

SLS's Top Ten Christmas Albums!

Because no one has expressed any interest in knowing what I think about Christmas music, I decided to share with you my super serious top ten Christmas album list.

So here it goes:

10. A Santa Cause Vol. 1 & 2 – various artists

A collection of holiday favorites covered by some great punk rock bands. A fun ride!

9. Christmas Comes Alive! –Brian Setzer 

This will put a little “jive” into your holiday spirit, and maybe even into your bedroom (wink)!

8. The Christmas Collection-Amy Grant

Amy Grant is a very spiritual woman who has a great set of pipes on her, and she can also sing (another wink). With her smooth melodies and an epic use of the bagpipes, this artist can stuff my stocking at any time (?).

7. Candlelight Christmas-Mannheim Steamroller 

This is a solid demonstration of ball busting holiday spirit. Mannheim Steamroller will kick in the front door of your family Christmas party and demand the respect it deserves. Just make sure you hide the booze because this album isn't afraid to get weird on Jesus’ birthday, and for some reason it likes to stare at Grandma.

6. Everything You Want for Christmas-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy 

Another big band Christmas cd? But you’re not a hug fan of big band music Nic, what gives?

“F@*k you!” Big Bad Voodoo says as he punches your dumb question in the back of the head. Put this smooth record on and throw a roll of saran-wrap at you girlfriend, and hope she doesn't get pregnant before song number one is over. After my first listen I pooped for a month without a feeling a thing.

5. Joy - A Holiday Collection-Jewel

Stop laughing, this isn't a joke. I took a long time on this list and Jewel deserves to be on it. When she’s not taming polar bears or causing an entire village of Eskimos to have wet dreams, Jewel is kicking ass in the studio busting out legendary hits like “O Little Town Of Bethlehem.” I mean, look at her album cover; she’s all “yeah, buckle up, I’m about to make Christmas sleazy again. You’re welcome Jesus.”

4. Dreams Of Fireflies (On A Christmas Night)-Trans- Siberian Orchestra 

If you’re not a fan of nose bleeds or punching car windows then you might want to avoid this monstrosity. Trans-Siberian Orchestra has done to Christmas music what a magnifying glass and the sun as done to ants.

Blows. Shit. Up.

When I listen to this record I like to close my eyes and imagine Santa Clause and his reindeer in a high speed pursuit.  As the red sled screams across the sky, Santa pulls out his silver glock and takes aim at the giant dragon that's flying after him. He fires off a few rounds, but instead of bullets, fiery candy canes shoot out of the barrel and hit the dragon directly in the eye.

Nice shot Santa, now deliver those toys and then go please Mrs. Clause. 

3. Let It Snow Baby... Let It Reindeer-Reliant K

For a Christian band, Reliant K seems to be begging for the apocalypse with this show stopping collection of songs. It will be hard for any pop punk band to top what these handsome men have done. Because I love metaphors and similes, let me further explain: “Let it Snow Baby…Let it Reindeer” is what I imagine the sound of getting a shoulder rub from GOD sounds like. And right when you think it’s almost over, God leans in and whispers in your ear: “You don’t need wings to fly, bro.” Right before things get uncomfortable he loosens his grip, tosses you a beer, and floats back into the sky.

2. Merry Christmas-Mariah Carey

The funny thing about this number two pick is that I can literally hear my cousin angrily punching holes in his drywall that this dirty bird isn't number one. Now, Derek, let me explain: I agree that this album revolutionized sound in general, and should be required in all schools. I also agree that the album art alone gave me a weird tickling sensation in my “danger zone.” I guess you could say Mariah Carey knows how to “jingle my bells” (and yet a third, and well deserved, final wink). With that being said, however, she is merely the calm before the storm, or the opening act to the greatest concert of all time. After Mariah Carey gets the entire audience all hot and bothered, she steps off the stage and makes way for the final act.

Foreplay is over folks.

Ladies and gentleman, introducing the reason for your next orgasm, my number one Christmas album pick:

1. Christmas Portrait-The Carpenters

Let me preface this by saying that if anybody dares to argue about this choice they probably don’t have ears and probably thought the holocaust was “misunderstood.” I’m pretty sure the first seven tracks of this divine record is simply the sound of a laser being shot out of Richard Carpenter’s penis. The next FOURTEEN tracks is a blur of life changing epiphanies wrapped up in a giant coming of age story full of boners and absolutely zero regrets. Having trouble with that jerk at work who’s always teasing you about your fantasy football team? Well, draft better next year, you idiot. The Carpenters don’t have time to worry about your four kickers and why you have Mark Sanchez as a starting quarterback. Karen’s in heaven probably running the show, and I’m pretty sure Richard is still trying to crawl is way out of the GIANT PILE OF MONEY that he made off of this record.

All joking aside, if this record didn't exist, there would be no happiness. It’s science, people, just admit it.

If you think I've missed some damn obvious Christmas albums on this list, send me an email or post on facebook.com/speakloserspeak. We still have some time before Christmas to do what the internet was made for us to do: argue.

Happy Holiday’s to everyone, and as always, thanks for reading!

[speakloserspeak-blog]

Notes on Getting Older #2

The man, sitting on the edge of the bed, shudders before resting his head on to the tempurpedic pillow. The fog of drowsiness dances behind his eyes, and a dead weight pulls at the bottom of his eyelids. In a moment he would sleep, and in the next- as so many times before- the dream would return. Images, bright and violent, would flash in his mind's eye. His body will protest by tossing and turning, attacking the conformity of the sheets. The subconscious, his only defense, will fight the implications of the dream, only to lose once again.  With heavy breath he’ll awake with unwanted anxiety coursing through his veins. All of this he knew would happen, no matter how hard he tried to stay awake.

           Finally the man laid his head down, falling victim to the inevitable. As he fell deeper into sleep, his body jerked and beads of sweat collected on his brow. His breathing quickened while his lips trembled, producing inaudible mumbles. His head swung from left to right, right to left, until finally his eyelids sprang open and a large gasp escaped his throat. In attempt to find reality he sat up, blinking and wiping away the sweat from his face. After a few seconds his breathing leveled out, and he said the same thing he always said after this dream: “Oh my god, I’m almost thirty.”

            It’s true, thirty isn’t that old, but getting older in general can be a frightening experience. It’s in these late twenties that people start getting separated from the pack of the youth. And by that I mean, some of us have started careers and maybe even families, and some of us have just applied to enter community college. Up until this point, we were all just hanging out at the bar, shooting the breeze, but now people are settling into their adulthood at different phases of life. For me personally, I’m kind of a late bloomer (no shit?), I’m just now taking college seriously and working on bettering myself. It’s a slow process, and these constant updates about my age make it feel as though I’m too old to be this lost. But I know I’m not alone, so instead of dwelling on lost time, I’ll follow the advice of an extremely wise (and handsome) man: I’ll just laugh and carry on.

And so, because I love list making, here is a list of the most recent “Adult” decisions/changes I have made:

-Decided to flick my boogers out of the window rather than on to the passenger seat floorboards.

-When the girl at Taco Bell asks: “Do you want that hard or soft?” I resist the urge to snicker. I take that question seriously now.

-I don’t brag anymore to my co-workers that I stayed up until four a.m. “pwning noobs.” I still do, all of the time, I just don’t brag about it.

-I have to keep a bottle of “Tums” in my car because sometimes life is unpredictable. And by that I mean: I still eat like I’m eighteen.  

-I have to consider the hangover.

-One time, after a successful week of school work, I treated myself to buying scented fucking candles.

- I plan my jogging routes now based on the foliage and the scenery.

-When friends ask me if I want to “lay some pipe” I have to answer carefully. They might actually need plumbing help with the new house they just bought, or they want to go out to the club that night. Either way, I’m horrible at plumbing.

-Horror movies and caffeine have become an issue now. I can’t do either past seven p.m. or I’m never going to sleep.

And finally: I decided to always read the book first, before I see the movie.

Getting older isn’t about facing your own mortality; it’s about adjusting to change. This is something I have to tell myself every day. Especially when I start saying shit like: “It’s going to rain, I can feel it in my knees.” This transition is guaranteed to supply some serious funny moments.

  Thank you everyone for reading! Check out the new fan page at www.facebook.com/speakloserspeak. If you like the page, I will donate sperm.

[speakloserspeak-blog]

An Email to My Future Son

With the recent announcement that my sister is pregnant and will be having a boy (more on this in a future post), I couldn’t help do what I do best; make it about me. My younger sister’s pregnancy shocked my insides like a down power line in a public pool, and of course, me being able to only take things to a morbid place, I took my day dreaming to a weird level. I started to think about my own (hypothetical) son that I might have someday, and what kind of wisdom I’ll be able to pass on. And then I thought about dying. So, after cutting the inside of my arm while watching the movie Heathers, I decided to write an email to my future son, just in case.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Sorry I’m dead (or whatever)

Dear Son,

If you are reading this it’s because I’ve passed on to the other side. I’m sorry that I’m not there to guide you through your most formidable years, I’m sure things are starting to become confusing. That’s why I had the foresight to write you this email. Even though I’m not physically there, I’ve written a series of these emails that contain some direction and advice for you as you become a man. This is the first of those emails, I’m pretty confident you’re going to find a lot of good tips in here.

So here we go:

The word “quiche” and “queef” do not mean the same thing. Make sure you distinguish each meaning before you embarrass yourself at a restaurant or…well, you’ll find out. The same can be said for the words “eruption” and “erection.” Though both words can be used in the same sentence, they also mean different things. Never chew gum during sexual intercourse. Trust me: a lot of things could go wrong.

Life is a fickle bitch; there is no other way for me to put it. You’ll soon find out, if you haven’t already, that nothing in it is fair. Instead of spending most of your life trying to keep up with it, read a few books and make it chase after you. You will encounter some bullshit, but don’t dwell on it for too long, because the moment you stop and sulk is the moment it catches up to you. So laugh and carry on.

A few things to remember about shit: don’t talk it, don’t take it, don’t push too hard, in the toilet bowl only, you should always wipe, yours does stink, don’t take pictures of it even if it does look like a rattlesnake holding a shotgun, and most importantly: courtesy flush when you’re at a girl’s house.

Taking long showers will make people assume things. I know the hot water feels nice, but wrap it up.

Get into the habit of deleting your internet history every time you log on. You will never win an argument with your mom or a girlfriend when they have the website www.bigbreastedwithlowmorals.com documented.

Learn anything and everything throughout your entire life. You don’t have to change the world, but train yourself to do so if you are ever called upon. Once you have proven to the world you’re not dumb, you can make any decision and take any path without fear. I’ll always be on your side; the only validation you need in life should come from yourself.

And finally: always take the stairs.

Happy eighth birthday, kiddo, I hope this cleared some things up for you.

I love you,

Dad.

P.S. this might be over by the time you read this, but don’t date any girls that obsess over this thing called “Pinterest.” I have no idea what the hell it is, but I've noticed a correlation between it and the women that use it, and it isn't pretty.

[linguafrancacomics]

time-lapse of me inking my main-girl Estre. my other main girl shot this and put it together, so check out her jams here:

http//:michellekanaar.com

[speakloserspeak-blog]

Fan Mail!

As I have mentioned in an earlier post, I’m getting a lot of fun questions/emails from people. I’ve been saving them up until I have proper time to answer all of them. This message, however, took me awhile to understand:

"Hello, Red... how are things in your fucking funny, freaped world? Topsy and tipsy I hope. Love coming your way from the mitten. Way over where it's finally gotten wet. Ciao... Kah fucking Ciao."

But after a few years of research, and the help of twenty scientist and pop culture experts, I finally have a translation for it. And here it is, decoded line by line:

Hello, Red…how are things in your fucking funny, freaped world?

Translation: Hello, I want to bang you.

Topsy and tipsy I hope.

Translation: You’re like the male version of Lindsay Lohan, minus the nose bleeds.

Love coming your way from the mitten.

Translation: I’d like to travel from Michigan to where you are at.

Way over where it’s finally gotten wet.

Translation: To get wet.

Ciao…Kah fucking Ciao.

Translation: I’m your biggest fan and women should worship you. Bye.

Wow, thanks science for this gem of a message! But in all seriousness, thanks a lot for reading, I only poke fun because I’m insecure. Please keep the insane messages coming!