Like Equius building the fucking listening device right there in the main computer lab. And the way he sweated when Karkat asked him what was going on, and ran off in search of a fresh towel. After weeks of being in unpleasantly close quarters with the blueblooded bag of douche, Sollux could tell guilty perspiration when he saw it.
And seriously, this was the single worst thing about sGRUB. He was now able to interpret Equius's sweat as a form of communication. And so help him, if he could hack into his brain and delete that knowledge after all of this was over, life would be so much less shitty.
No, wait. Dying horribly from the Glub along with the rest of his entire species had been pretty bad too. Actually, it had probably sucked worse. Definitely worse. Goddamn, it had been the worst thing ever. So, make that two things he regretted the most about sGrub.
But anyway, back to the retarded conspiracy.
The major tip-off that something was about to happen was that Vriska and Eridan were being nice to him. Come the fuck on. Might as well spell it out with a million stupid 8s and extra Ws.
So Sollux Captor, never one to miss a reason to be angry at the two people (and one horse fetishist, which hardly counted) he hated the most platonically of all trolls ever, was already considering the spying situation long before a tiny crab-legged robot scuttled across Karkat's floor from the hallway. This had to be the bug. It had a finger-shaped dent near the back, as if someone had tried to give it a STRONG nudge to get it going.
Ughhhh.
He just watched the thing as it bumped his shoe (the black one), fell over, scampered to its feet, and hurled itself noisily into a pile of broken keyboards in the middle of the floor. The keyboard pile was technically Sollux's mess, even if most of them were here only because they were cracked from headdesking and/or missing caps lock keys. And yeah, it had been pointed out to him before that there was plenty of space on the asteroid to put YOUR GODDAMN HACKER TRASH that were not KK's PERSONAL FUCKING SPACE. But Sollux had quickly discovered that watching KK trip over other people's shit and throw a huge wriggler tantrum was the best part of being stuck on this lousy goddamn stupid asteroid, so KK could just suck it, thank you very much.
And if the keyboard pile happened to grow mysteriously or shift position on the floor between temper tantrums, kicking the fun up a notch every now and then, well.... It was Karkat's own stupid fault for letting Sollux stay in his quarters in the first place, wasn't it? It was Sollux's personal opinion as the team's technical advisor, system admin and occasional all-time video game champion that Fearless Leader could just suck it even more.
The scuttling bot got itself good and buried in the keyboard pile, and there was a tiny whir as it shifted to listening mode. So that's their game, he thought. Eavesdropping on KK? He's going to throw a double clusterfuck when I tell him.
KK wasn't here at the moment. Doing some kind of stupid leader stuff in the lab, probably at top volume, while Sollux messed around with programming instead of going back to his own area. In his defense, the last time he had set foot in the transportalizer room, Nepeta had been rolling around on the Gemini platform with a face full of yarn and too-bright eyes that promised all kinds of tiresome feline-based mischief, and he had a headache with PLEASE SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS written all over it. Who knew how long it would take her to wander off?
Being a recluse kind of sucks when you share a lab with the entire population of two separate species.
Bugging his room, he mused again. Why, though? Maybe they didn't get enough of Karkat's bitching in the computer lab. No, that was stupid. Something was going on here.
The huge bitch and the hipster were probably up there right now, being in cahoooooooots or cah8ts or however the hell the loony girl spelled it.
Vriska. Just thinking about her right now was enough to make him want to smash the entire keyboard pile against the ceiling in one big purple flash of light. Maybe over and over again, until it rained f1 keys and broken pieces of spy equipment.
And he really should trash the bug--but wait. If he did that, they would know they were caught and just try something less obvious next time. Better to wait for KK to return and see what he had to say on the matter.
So he pulled out a handheld computer, leaned back against the wall, and began to type.
2.
"All right, FIRST of all--" Karkat began, "It's not like that. Second of all, you are FUCKING RETARDED. And third of all, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT."
"Oh come on, Karkles. You're together every single day." Terezi might be blind, but she knew exactly where to look for that goddamn eyebrow tilt to hit home like a tiny arrow of bitchy bitchness. "You don't have to hide it from us anymore."
"I..." Karkat felt himself briefly at a loss for words. This happened sometimes, but was usually followed by an overcompensatory flood, so whatever. "WHY ARE WE EVEN HAVING THIS DISCUSSION?"
This had to be the afterlife. He had died of some kind of agonizing brain aneurysm, probably brought on by the horde of cretins he had the miserable shame of calling his team. And this was his own personal little bubble of eternal horrorterrors.
Actually he was in the computer lab. In the weeks since they'd hidden in the Veil, it had become the unofficial hub for all ferocious leaderly speeches. Even if most of his underlings were playing what looked like Troll Tetris on their computers while he ranted and raved, they were still here GODDAMMIT. And now the humans were here too, and it was important to let them see--especially Rose, who was clearly the brains of their own pitiful Earth operation--that he. Was in. Control.
This was going to require the kind of yelling that often left him raspy for days.
"Because you two are always bickering." Terezi said casually, and the grinning bitch was actually ticking off fingers. "You spend all your time snuggling in your part of the lab together. And you can't shut up about each other."
"NOT FUCKING FUNNY, TEREZI." Karkat snarled. "As your elected leader--"
"I didn't wote for you," interjected Eridan from his customary spot at the far end of the lab.
"--As your DIVINELY CHOSEN FUCKING LEADER," Karkat bellowed, "I am hereby ordering you to stop being fucking insane." He knew Terezi couldn't see him pointing at her face, but he didn't care. Had to make this impressive for everyone else even if she never respected his authority. "Right here, right now."
Equius gave a snort of disbelief from where he sat, surrounded by little chunks of broken plastic and metal. Whatever he'd been building, he'd finished nearly an hour ago, and was dabbing at his forehead with yet another disgusting towel. "AND YOU," Karkat continued, and swung the finger of doom his way, "Effective immediately, you are banned from LIFE. Go find a dark corner and just wait there to die. This is not open for debate. Take all the towels you need, just GO."
Which Equius didn't. Of course.
"Why are you so upset? I think it's cute." Feferi. Oh, god. Not Feferi. "You're so close," she glubbed.
Yelling at her was like--like-- "AAAAAGH! I AM NOT UPSET!" He directed this at the wall behind her, but she did that innocent sad face again and this just pissed him off more than he already was. "I am TRYING to salvage what little dignity remains to me after you all get done trampling me with your daily dose of the ENDLESS FUCKING DRAMA that passes for social interaction in this fucksmear of a Veil and... and... I AM NOT FUCKING SOLLUX FUCKING CAPTOR."
And this set Terezi off again. Karkat was dimly aware through his haze of rage that he could have counted her teeth. If he had an hour to waste, anyway. How the hell did she do that? Did it make brushing easier? Could she eat a whole apple at once?
"Excuse me, Mr. Vantas." And oh GREAT, now the grimdark one was getting in on the fun. She and the other three humans had been content, until now, to merely watch the fireworks with the usual baffled monkey idiot faces. But now Rose had broken the ice, and he was pretty sure this would be the time in his personal history that would forever be marked as The End Of Happiness And Peace As Karkat Vantas Knew It. Which wasn't saying much. And he was also pretty sure if he kept yelling he was going to get another nosebleed right here in front of everyone.
"WHAT." He rounded on Rose, expecting her to crumble into tears in the full face of his wrath. But she didn't. Actually, she kind of rolled her stupid white eyes and kept looking like a total moron. "WHAT. THE FUCK. DO YOU HAVE TO ADD TO THIS FESTERING SOUP. OF A TEAM DISCUSSION."
"Hey, come on--" John protested from behind Rose. "Karkat, don't be like that with my designated Earth Fiancee."
"YOU TAKE EVERY WORD OF YOUR PLANNED WHINEFEST AND STUFF THEM WHERE THE MOONS DON'T SHINE, EGBERT, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD." Karkat didn't even look at his (Friend? Kismesis? Co-leader?) pain-in-the-nook human counterpart. "What were you going to say, Rose. Spit it out so I can go back to hating your entire mistake of a species in silence."
"Actually, I was going to ask which quadrant you guys were in. Kanaya has been kind enough to explain them, but I'm afraid I am still somewhat new to troll romance."
"What... quadrant..." Karkat hissed. "What, me and Captor? You must be joking. You must be DEAF--"
"Not yet, she isn't," Vriska drawled, and wiggled a finger in the ear facing her team leader, "But I think I might be getting there."
"--because you would HAVE TO BE DEAF to have missed the last TEN MINUTES of this entire fucking mutinous SHAME-ORGY--"
"Now there's a mental image," Dave commented from his (ironic) game of Tetris. He didn't even bother to look up.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP COOLKID. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO OPEN A FUCKING AIRLOCK AND IMPROVE YOUR SPECIES THE HARD WAY."
"Whatever bro."
"Now," Karkat continued, spinning back to face Rose. She looked unflustered and completely curious. "As for quadrants. Let me spell this out for you, just once, to get you OFF MY BULGE once and for all. You know the one called NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS? That's where me and Captor live. We even hung little frilly curtains in the kitchen window. We are not in a quadrant, is what I mean to say, you simpleminded bunch of ASSHOLES. We are unquadranted. If quadrants were a little white pony with a heart on its ass, Captor and I would be launching that pony through the stars toward your planet on a meteor."
"Funny story, actually--" John piped up. This time it was Rose who hushed him. "Go on," she said. "This is educational."
"There IS no 'go on'. The pony is launched. The heart symbol on its ass is now flaming charcoal. Go fuck yourselves. There is no 'us'."
"The heart is one of the bucket quadrants," John confided to Jade, proud of his multicultural progress. She nodded solemnly as reflected Tetris pieces rained down across the lenses of her giant eyeglasses.
The room went silent. Even the humans looked scandalized, for once in their soft pink monkey lives.
Jade just blinked. "Yeah, but I don't think those two are in that quadrant. They really do fight a lot. There's another bucket in the hate-love zone, right? They're probably filling that one."
The silence got even silenter. Karkat Vantas actually heard something in his head give a tiny pop, and then every drop of freakish blood in his body raced to his head at once. The breath he'd saved up for his next diatribe escaped in a single, audible paffff.
3.
"I am going," Karkat said in a funny soft voice that none of them (except John, once) had ever heard before, "to go find the nearest load gaper. I am going to stand over it and void the entire contents of my alimentary tract through my face."
"Karkat, jeez, we didn't mean to--" John tried to save the situation, but Karkat’s weird new calm rage was having none of it.
"--I am going to vomit up things I ate before playing this stupid game. Things my ancestors ate. I am going to throw up the entire history of my genetic lineage in one glorious retch. And then I am going to kneel down and drown myself in it. I won't even flush first. That is how much I have given up on life. Thank you, Jade Human. Thank you for showing me the light."
He left the room via transportalizer.
"That..." Terezi finally whispered, breaking the stunned silence, "was the single most delicious face I have ever smelled."
"So does that mean they're doing it with the black bucket?" Jade asked again, before her head and upper body pitched forward and thudded into the keyboard of her own computer. She let out a single long snore. Her Troll Tetris game screen filled with neglected pieces and began to flash GAME OVER.
For once, no one had the presence of mind to scold Vriska.
4.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TA: kk ii need two talk two you a2ap, where are you?
CG: OH GREAT.
CG: JUST WHAT I NEEDED RIGHT NOW. MORE BULLSHIT FROM A DROOLING SUBORDINATE.
TA: ehehehe ok who pii22ed iin kk2 grubloaf twoday?
CG: HOW MANY IDIOTS LIVE ON THIS ASTEROID? ALL OF THOSE. IT WAS A HUGE PARTY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WEREN'T INVITED. OH WAIT BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU. BUT DON'T WORRY, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE SAVED YOU THE LEFTOVERS SO YOU CAN PISS ON THEM AND STILL FEEL LIKE PART OF THE GROUP.
TA: keep talkiing iim defiiniitely readiing every word, iit2 fa2ciinatiing lmao.
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT, FUCKASS? I'M BUSY.
TA: iim iin your room, you should come down here...
TA: on the double.
CG: STOP. JUST STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE SUNGLASSES JOKE, YOU ARE BANNED FOREVER FROM TRYING TO BE FUNNY IN ANY CAPACITY OTHER THAN THE UNINTENTIONAL FLOOD OF HILARITY THAT INEVITABLY SPEWS FORTH WHEN YOU SAY ANYTHING AT ALL EVER.
TA: all riight fiine, FUCK
TA: iim 2eriiou2 a22hole, get down here and dont talk when you do, the room ii2 bugged for 2ound.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. MEDS ASSHOLE DO YOU TAKE THEM.
TA: yeah that2 never not funny kk, 2o glad youre iin charge here
CG: GLAD SOMEONE ADMITS IT.
TA: whatever iim ju2t 2aviing your a22 no need two act liike a decent per2on and thank me, anyway anythiing you have two 2ay, type iit for now 2iince as ii ju2t poiinted out the wall2 have ear2, ok maybe iit2 the keyboard piile that ha2 bug2 but you get the iidea.
CG: GOGDAMMIT CAPTOR I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN THAT SHIT UP, YOU BOILING DOUCHE. WHY ARE YOU STILL EVEN THERE IF YOU AREN'T PICKING UP YOUR STUPID COMPUTER TARDPILE OFF MY FUCKING PERSONAL PRIVATE FLOOR???
TA: catgiirl hazard iin the tp room, iim not faciing her wiith thii2 headache.
TA: be glad ii wa2 here when hii2 2tupiid 2py bug 2howed up and get the fuck iin here.
TA: and watch out for yarn.
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
5.
Nepeta, still curled up on Sollux's platform, knew better than to approach Karkat when his face was that red. She watched with predatory interest through a wad of tangled string as her favorite nubby-horned jerk in Paradox Space stormed past without even an angry snarl in her direction and stepped on his the Cancer symbol. He was gone in a very angry white flash. Nepeta wasted no time. She flung aside the snarls of yarn, dashed up the stairs to the computer lab, and found a seat in front of a dead monitor to Vriska's immediate right.
"Are we doing it?" she whispered, leaning close.
"Goddamn, is EVERYONE going to ask me that? It's still connecting!" the biggest bitch in paradox space gave an annoyed hairflip, but never turned around from her screen. "The device is in place but the connection is laggy. I think it's because of all the metal between his room and here."
"Too bad you can't get the network guy to fix it," Nepeta giggled. It was hard to keep her voice down when she was so thrilled to be in cahoots like this. Cahoooo... shit, she lost count.
"Fuck him. It's just a stupid feed! I can set it up myself." Vriska tapped a few keys, hard. "Cool your jets. He was mad as shit when he left here. We have plenty of time." And her teeth actually glinted in a satisfied grin. "You know what he's like when he's mad."
Oh yessss. Nepeta's eyes narrowed. She knew, all right. And her shipping wall was just begging to be updated.
6.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: OKAY, ASSHOLE. WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? WHERE'S THE FUCKING BUG?
TA: you cant 2ee iit, iit2 buriied in keyboard2.
CG: I'M GUESSING THIS IS WHAT MR. PERVSPIRATION WAS BUILDING IN THE LAB. REMIND ME TO JETTISON WHAT REMAINS OF HIS HOOFBEAST-PORN-LOVING ASS INTO THE EARTH SUN AS SOON AS I FINISH KICKING IT INTO LITTLE BLUE SPLASHES OF JELLY. HOW DID THE FUCKING THING EVEN GET IN HERE?
TA: 2tubby liitle crab legs.
CG: SCRAWNY LISPING SPERGLORD.
TA: no you iin2ufferable nook2niiffer iim telliing you that2 how it got in, iit walked
CG: OH.
CG: SO WHY'S HE SPYING ON US? THIS IS BEYOND HIS USUAL SCOPE OF DERANGED IMAGINATION.
TA: 2piiderbiitch.
CG: OH NO NO NO FUCK NOT HER AGAIN, WE HAD A TRUCE.
TA: and the priince of tard2.
CG: SHIIIIIT.
CG: AND I'M GUESSING IT'S BROADCASTING ALREADY.
TA: no ii ju2t liike iit when you shut up for liike two 2econds, of cour2e iit2 liive you iidiiot. and gue22 where the 2iignal ii2 feediing two.
CG: THE FUCKING COMPUTER LAB, RIGHT??? THEY'VE GOT A LIVE FEED TO THE COMPUTER LAB.
CG: THOSE LITTLE FUCKING INGRATES. AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR THEIR SORRY WORTHLESS ASSES THEY CAN'T EVEN STOP SHIPPING THEIR OWN LEADER WITH THE TEAM'S WORST LOSER.
TA: ye2 iim completely 2hamed, you have 2hamed me. ii2 thii2 about the quadrant hoofbea2t2hiit agaiin?
CG: YES, WHICH MAKES THIS MOSTLY YOUR FAULT. YOU NEVER DENIED IT.
TA: blow iit out your nook, iim not talkiing to anybody about anythiing two do wiith my per2onal priivate liife.
TA: be2iide2, you wii2h you could have allll thiiii2222, they are ju2t piickiing up on what youre throwiing out liike a blu2hiing wriiggler seeiing her fiir2t romcom.
CG: UGH.
CG: OH YEAH, I JUST REMEMBERED I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO THROW UP A LOT AND THEN DROWN MYSELF IN THE LOAD GAPER. THANKS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA THAT IS YOUR TWISTED EROTIC DAYDREAM. IT WILL REALLY HELP GET THAT GAG REFLEX GOING.
CG: YOU FUCKING PERVERT.
TA: ehehehe okay iill be sure to 2ob over your liifele22 body and be all deva2tated.
TA: but before that, what do ii do about the bug?
TA: 2hould ii zap iit?
CG: YEAH, AND I'LL GO HANDLE THE IDIOTS AFTER I'M DONE PUKING AND DYING AND PROBABLY COMING BACK AS SOME KIND OF FUCKED UP EMOTIONLESS GHOST TO HAUNT EVERY SINGLE USELESS ONE OF YOU FOR BASICALLY THE REST OF ETERNITY.
CG: ACTUALLY WAIT!
CG: DON'T WRECK IT YET.
CG: I JUST HAD AN IDEA.
