7:16 PM November 21, 2016
So it’s been a while, huh? I’m sorry to all my followers for not updating more often. When I started this blog I was deep into my Agoraphobia. So that’s what I wrote about. Now though, I’m pretty much recovered from that aspect of my mental illnesses.
It’s not like I don’t have bad days. There are still times I don’t want to go outside. There are still many times where I find myself unable to get out of the car because of my anxiety.
And it’s weird, because I like to think I’m recovered yet…at the same time…I’m so far from that.
I feel empty.
Everyday.
When someone tells me I got to go out somewhere or do something that makes me anxious, I just feel nothing. I can only describe it as feeling as if I’m walking from death-row to my execution. That’s just what always pops up in my mind.
Because, if you think about it, whenever you see criminals on tv being walked to their execution they are so calm. Because you don’t have a choice at that moment. All you can do is take it. At that moment, what good is it to scream or cry or panic? It doesn’t do any good, it won’t change anything. So you just feel nothing.
I don’t get a lot of say in most matters. If someone wants something, they usually turn to me. If a trip to the store needs to be made, it’s always I that makes it. If I forget something…I have to go back. Which is the downside of living so close to the grocery store. If somebody needs a ride, I’m the one who has to drive. (Which, as I’ve mentioned before, I hate driving.)
I’ve been especially upset since the 17th. My oldest cat Sassy passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was approx. 16 years old. I miss her and I wonder if she knew I loved her. If she knew how bad I felt about some of the things I put her through during her life. She is buried now next to Reddy who died in 2008. I know they are happy to see each other again but god I miss them.
---------------------------
I have a “sorta” job now. The neighbors in the apartment next to us have hired me as a part time nanny/chauffeur. The family consists of the Mother, the Fiancé, the twins and their younger brother.
The Mother has many health issues, namely seizures. She recently had a complete hysterectomy in August. But just yesterday the incision reopened so we actually spent a few hours in the ER this morning. Because of a recent seizure she cannot drive legally for three months. That’s where I come in. I have to drive her wherever she needs to go. I also have to help her clean house, cook dinner, and take care of the children.
The Fiancé is a truck driver. He just started a new job. He also just had his Jeep repossessed. So I also have to chauffeur him back and forth from his truck. Usually around 2:30 in the mornings.
The twins are 4 years old and their younger brother is 3. Everybody has taken to calling them the triplets. They are so sweet but they can drive a person insane as well. I’ve always told everyone I hate kids. That hasn’t changed entirely. But I’m learning that they can be endearing too.
I am supposed to be paid $90 a week. So far they have only halfway kept that promise. I know they are having very difficult times and are behind on rent and so many other problems…but…why even hire me if you cannot pay me? This “job” still feels more like I am doing them a favor rather than being paid for labor.
What sucks the most is that we are friends. And they literally have no one else to help them. So if I quit I’ll most certainly be made out to be the bad guy.
I’m just so tired.
