#kauri thoughts

[ashintheairlikesnow]

somewhere in the world, Kauri has entered his late thirties and is horrified to realize he now thinks going out is mostly just irritating, having even two drinks leaves him hungover the next day, and he'd genuinely rather stay home and watch tv in his bathrobe in bed than hit the club

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Hi everyone, I had the thought today during my commute that Kauri, despite his hypersexuality, doesn't cheat on anyone.

I was just thinking that it might be the only really hard and fast rule he has during his poor life choices era, is that he'll do a lot of shit, but he won't make someone feel unwanted by going behind their back with someone else while dating.

Kauri is so terrified of feeling like no one wants him, he couldn't bring himself to create that feeling in anyone else...

Which honestly is not to say he never does make anyone feel rejected, more just that his idea of what creates that feeling is very specific and he won't cross those lines inside his mind.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Honestly, any time someone points out that pretty, brittle, delicate little Kauri is also a fucking wildcat who will claw his own face off to not return to captivity, I get so happy.

Kauri is so layered and complicated and strong and he just. He deserves the hugs and praise. He really does. Not everybody can do the things he did to get away from Owen. And not everyone would willingly walk back into Owen's arms to save people he loves knowing he probably won't make it out alive.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

You know what -cracks knuckles- I think I'll fuck Kauri up tomorrow. Now the question is whether or not ya boy ends up bruised on the outside, too...

@autophagay this is your fault

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Today I am thinking about Kauri's way of hiding how little he thinks of himself by layering over his low self-esteem with witty commentary and constantly turning the conversation back to his looks and how good he is in bed. And the deep chasm of loathing for himself he has for every perceived failing, and how much of that is delivered, in his mind, in Owen's voice...

[ashintheairlikesnow]

somewhere, it is a dark night and Kauri is dancing to Lady Gaga’s Teeth in a bar, sweaty and muscles burning, while a man watches him from across the room, smiling over the rim of his beer.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Tonight I am going to sleep thinking about Kauri having a rough few weeks, chasing his old coping mechanisms, pushing Jake away, refusing to talk to anyone. Hating himself for not just being better after all this time. He was doing fine, why does it hurt so much again?

And Antoni sitting with him to let him work out that frustration, somewhere dark and open and not a closed door at all.

I am also thinking about how Jameson has only survived by being willing to kill and fight and run and he barely understands any other way to be. An offer of kindness is a trap. Safety means safely locked up. And how he turned that defense on an image of his captor only to nearly kill the first person whose compassion for him didn't come with conditions.

Jameson, sitting in Nat's house, understanding that he was taken by monsters too many times, and he became one.