#kcwrotethis

[kclittlethoughts]

070220

I made a playlist

Of songs you've sent me before

Now, I can't press 'play'

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It sucks knowing a song is good but cant listen to it without me getting reminded of you, everytime. Odd though, that I'm left with good memories now, and it makes me miss you a lot haha :(

[kclittlethoughts]

061920

I feel like I have no one else to ask for help regarding the move out. Everyone's preoccupied with their stuff. I cant even go to manila kasi wala akong private car. So idek how i'm gonna go there to pack.

[kclittlethoughts]

061020

I feel overwhelmed by what's happening around me. I have worries regarding the condo, the start of classes, my oral health, my parents' behaviour etc. Sometimes I just want to stop existing tbh. Bakit ang dami kong problema? :(

[kclittlethoughts]

060920

I was left speechless nung pinakita ni ate na may brackets na siya. 4+ hrs ago tinanong niya ako kung itutuloy ba niya. Kaso di ko nareplyan sa text, pero sabi ko sa chat, pag isipan muna niya. Di agad nabasa kaya idk. Nagdecide siya na sige, go na.

Medyo nanlumo ako kasi di man lang kinuhanan ng impression, ginawan ng cast, in-analyze yung oral habits, di man inassess yung radiograph, di man nilagyan ng spacers etc. Nilagyan agad ng brackets on the same day na unang pumunta si ate sa clinic. Pakiramdam ko niloloko nila mga pasyente. Nawalan ako ng sasabihin. Kasi paano ba, nandyan na. Nagbayad na si ate ng downpayment. Perang pinaghirapan niya yun. Pakiramdam ko, hindi up to par yung quality ng service na nareceive ni ate sa dapat niyang matanggap. Sasabihin ko sa kanya mamaya anong nararamdaman ko. Pero di ko pa alam paano.

Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko

"Girl nakakaiyak. Like minsan talaga gusto ko nang isuko yung dent dahil sa mga profs pero since walang choice tuloy pa rin. Tapos makikita mo yung ganitong mga dentista, gusto mo na lang na pag time mo na, na gagawin mo nang tama."

Kasi nakakalungkot talaga. May panahon talaga na ayaw ko na kasi di naman masaya. Na lagi akong anxious lalo na kapag endo na usapan. Ang hirap huminga sa totoo man, lalo na kagabi nung nagsend sila ng bagong sched na nagsasabing august na balik namin kung maapprove man yun. Nakakatakot. Nakakatakot mahawa ng virus. Ayoko pang mamatay. (To be specific, ayokong magsuffer sa virus hanggang mamatay na lang. Paano pa yung gastos ng pamilya ko sa akin, mga bayarin sa ospital. Paano na lang yun, di ba.)

Pero ayun nga, balik sa usapan na itutuloy pa rin ang dent kahit na ganoon ang nararamdaman ko. Itutuloy kasi pag ako naman na ang dentista, gagawin ko nang tama, na deserve ng lahat ng pasyente. Nakakalungkot kasi na ang baba na nga ng dentist:patient ratio sa pilipinas eh hindi pa lahat nagpprovide ng de kalidad na serbisyo. Ang lungkot lang isipin na ang daming ganito. Sobrang disheartening talaga. Pero nakakamotivate na maging better pag panahon na namin. Ewan. Ang weird.

Pakiramdam ko ang daming nangyari ngayon. Araw-araw may bad news. Nakakapagod. Umaasa pa rin ako, kahit papaano, na bubuti rin ang mga araw. Kung kailan man yun, walang nakakaalam.

[kclittlethoughts]

060620

Prior to making this post, I was trying to log in on this account but I successfully opened a different one; one specifically made for the guy I went on dates with 4 years ago. In it was a single post, where I asked to end it all; since what we had was no longer working. I reread it twice or thrice and felt the same compared to when I last wrote it. I have no regrets letting us, him, and what we had go. The last two lines I wrote there struck me.

Thank you for the happy memories. Don’t let them bring you sorrow. Give yourself credit for the good things you’ve done. I know you’ll do more. 

I’m amazed by how my 20 year old self managed to say such. My current self resonates so much to these words, this time, I’m telling them to myself; especially the first two sentences. I had fun. I shouldn’t be sad about it.

These past few days I keep thinking about J, and how much I enjoyed his company; how I enjoyed having him around. I think about how it was impossible to have met him with different circumstances. If for example he was working in an hospital, we wouldn’t have had much time to spend together. Or if he was still a student, it will be the same thing. Idk. We just both happened to have time a few months back. I was not expecting much because he was gonna leave the country anyway. and yet, here I am.

There’s no doubt that there are a lot of other guys out there. I’m just not quite sure if I want to look for one right now. I kinda want to move on from J, but I’m just letting time do it’s thing. Time will pass, and perhaps my feelings for him will too.

For now, I’m focusing (kinda) on how to become a good clinician for my patients. for now, I’m reading up to improve what I know, to be able to apply theory into practice. I have issues with myself regarding dentistry but I’ll manage these issues out myself. as always. Not like I have someone else to rely on anyway. 

[kclittlethoughts]

060320

What's happening in our country sickens me. Thinking about how bad things can go feels awful to core. Idk how rotten the people in authority are. We just know that they are (rotten). I'm a little fearful and immensely enraged. Angered. By what's happening and how much the nation's people are taken advantage of, given the current situation. I cannot fathom how greedy people are of power, of money. Of staying in authority. Nakakapagod.

[kclittlethoughts]

060120

12:46 am

Opened my ig after not using it for 3 weeks for some detox but I still feel awful. Kinda pathetic that part of me was hoping to see a semblance of him or just abt anything from him really. I'll get over him. It takes time, sure. But i'll be able to do it. I think.

For this month and july, I plan on allotting a substantial amount of time and focus on studying. Going up the clinics holds a responsibility for my future patients' welfare so I need to prepare for whatever the future holds. I have to condition myself as well, in terms of my confidence bc i become shaky, like literally shaky from being too anxious about such matters.

I can do thissss

[kclittlethoughts]

052320

I felt like talking about stuff but upon opening this app I realized I don't have much to say. This might take a while but anw..

In the past days I have been thinking of him. But maybe a little less. Idk guess it really just takes time.

I suddenly had a thought the other day about me in a party with friends. About the last party we attended. Everyone was greeting my friends and taking photos with them. I, being not chummy with a lot of people was not included ofc. And I kinda felt ostracized. It left a weird taste in my mouth. Like I wanted to leave that situation immediately. Idk. I felt a little out of place. I just want to share that here. I like hanging out with friends. Sometimes I feel like they're the only ones I have. It makes me uneasy how I feel that I'm relying on them a lot, and how sometimes I feel like I'm friendless without them. But the weird thing about it is that normally I wouldn't care. I don't normally talk to other people a lot. And that when people start conversations I tend to hope for it to end soon. Like what is up with that, right?

I'm sleepy now. Good night