#scattered thoughts

[luminote]

Writing from the enclosed white walls~

[curlsandknots]

Imagine an ordinary day for you.

A typical breakfast. Typical clothing. Typical day plans. When suddenly, everything goes dark...

You wake up hours later in the home of a stranger, chained to the bars of a large cage in his basement. Only he's not really a stranger. Not quite. You had seen him all over, practically every single day, if you were paying attention, you could catch a glimpse of him just out of sight, staring you dead on. Shortly after your first encounter with him, your things would go missing. Little trinkets here and there, nothing too valuable, but they were disappearing all the time.

He tells you it's because he loves you, but you're trapped, locked away in the dark. You should hate him, you should be disgusted with this man. But as I said... you've known about him for quite some time. And to be perfectly honest... you kind of liked all the attention he was giving you. And if you were being Really honest, if he never spared you a passing glance, you probably would've wound up being the one watching him.

Having you in his home like a little songbird, he looked so proud, so pleased with himself. Really now? He was so happy, and it was all because of you. Sweet. Simple. You. You felt so special, and that's when you made your decision. You loved him. You loved him and that was all there was to it.

He thought he was in control, that he had the woman of his dreams all to himself, but by morning, he came down to check on you and found your cage wide open with nothing but your chain left behind.

He thought you had escaped him, he panicked, bolting up the stairs and heading towards the front door, stopped in his tracks at the sight of you, peacefully standing in his kitchen, cooking breakfast for the two of you.

"Good morning." You cooed. "I made you an extra big portion." You were kind, sweet, considerate, but all he could think was "How?" "How had you gotten out of your chains?" And why did you stay...?

It's funny. You'd think if he had been watching you so closely, he'd know that he wasn't the only one who was obsessed.

[morlock-holmes]

I'm giving Lord of The Rings (The book, not the movie) another shot. Frankly, I've always found it a bit dull and plodding, but frankly with all the stress I'm dealing with right now perhaps that's in order.

Reading it these days is different from reading it 30 or 60 years ago; I have a computer and internet access and I can immediately just look up whatever the hell the Elves are talking about when they thank some mythic figure; I don't recall how much of this was in the Hobbit, and of course if you read really far back you certainly didn't have the Silmarillion.

One thing I'm noticing this time, because of the preocupations of the time in which I'm reading it, is the immediate focus on Bilbo's pity for Gollum, and for that matter the pity felt by the elves and Gandalf for him as well.

Somewhere buried deep beneath it is one of the central tensions of modern Christian theology, which is that God provided us with wills of our own, and the capacity to act, in some small way, against him, and then immediately became infuriated and filled with rage when we used such things.

I'm not well familiar with the textual history of the Silmarillion, but if you read it it's hard to explain how Illuvitar and Morgoth are different; Morgoth seems merely to want Illuvitar's position.

One wonders why Illuvitar gave the Ainur the capacity to create disharmonious music in the first place.

I feel like there is something in this impulse that perhaps might be somewhat embedded in British culture, but I kind of felt it as a kid and never much liked it, which equates disharmony with wickedness. I think there's a lot of this in Chronicles of Narnia as well.

Actually, as a child I often thought the description of heaven in the Book of Revelation sounded profoundly unpleasant. Constant chanting, constant light, all aimed at satisfying the ego of a being which, quite frankly, should not need such things, no time to be alone and think your own thoughts, it just sounds unpleasant.

I guess Tolkien was a bit divided on the nature of Orcs and Trolls in his private writings? He would sort of have to be, because there is this kind of fundamental tension between the Christian belief in a universal pity and forgiveness, and the Christian belief that disharmony with God is inherently a form of wickedness.

I guess really what I kind of chafe at, and I think this is a constant tension in Lord of The Rings even in the first few chapters, is the sense that one should listen to and admire one's betters, and that to disagree with them, or resent them, or rebel against them is a sign of wickedness rather than, frankly, a fairly natural set of impulses (Particularly in the Children at whom these books are aimed!)

That's not the moral of the book, mind you. It's just one sort of overarching theme which is in some way in tension with an equally overarching theme of universal Christian compassion.

[scatteredthoughts2]

A Butterfly Without Wings.

My daughter came to visit today,

But I was locked inside my head,

Just staring out at clouds of grey

And begging God to strike me dead.

She sits beside me and talks to me,

She holds my hands; she tells me things,

But that I'm locked up, she cannot see,

I'm a butterfly, but I have no wings.

I'm talking away but she cannot hear,

I make no sound because my lips are sealed,

I want to ask her to ease my fear,

So that's what's inside me can be revealed.

She wheels me out to sit on the deck,

The clouds have lifted, the sun shines down,

Whilst inside my head, I am going berserk,

I'm so trapped inside the face of a clown.

She is leaving now, she will call next week,

And maybe the others will come to call,

But what's the point when I cannot speak,

I'll just wheel myself down this lonely hall.

@Ambrose Harte

@Scatteredhoughts

[tender-crescent]

Tea maxxing life maxxing

[enanan55]

Abosulte bop of a song (Memento Mori: the most Important Thing in the world by Will Wood.) That reminds me two much of Rui Kamishiro. I can totally see him singing this just randomly (any will wood songs actually). Also people who are more dedicated Rui fans, tell me if I did good on this analysis or it sucks and I got everything wrong. There will also be random Memento Mori quotes.

⚠️tw: suicidal ideation, a swear word, death, terminal illness mentioned, murder mentioned, hopelessness about life⚠️

Be safe everyone.

This is will focus alot on Rui's present and middle-school self. I have a lot of thoughts on this so hopefully I can actually phrase them. Firstly, I will focus on the sound progression.

Anyways, the song features piano-like and trumpet-like sounds and plastic-soft drums hit by sticks. The song starts off relaxing and jazzy and just starts getting louder and more manic on. It keeps a incredibly Romatic and Hopeful theme completely contrasting Will Wood screaming about Life Doesn't Matter and How Everything You Do Will Eventually Become Useless. Very similar how Middle-School Rui was hopeful but still incredibly certain that he would most likely die and be ultimately useless after 50 or so years. He comforts others but in his own way. The Song ends in people clapping and cheering and laughing showing how despite life being meaningless, the life you choose to live is Meaningful. You WILL find people who care, even if only for everyone to leave. Rui(now present) is aware that everyone's memories aren't enough to live but that doesn't matter as he's alive with his friends. It also ties in to the Theater Troupe Performing so a crowd is there. Rui is performing for a crowd who won't care after 5 years most likely, probably less! But they were happy in the moment, like he was.

There's also a overwhelming message that the way you died was probably determined and that there's nothing in the afterlife, but maybe there is. Rui is lucky is to be surrounded by those he love ("If your Lucky, you'll be surrounded by those you love) there's also a innate Nilhilty in the song. Tarot cards, future telling, and predictions just cause more stress. So FXCK WORRYING ABOUT DEATH AND JUST ACCEPT IT!! :D Rui doesn't care much (but still does) that what he's done is a waste. He knows that the way you died ("everything goes with the passage of time, whether it's murder, cancer, or suicideeeee") won't matter much if you stop worrying about what happens. ("YOUR LEGACY NOT YOURS TO SEE AND YOUR EULOGY EITHER") Any Impact you have, you won't even know the severity of it because your *dead*. That's why you should cherish the present, with the people you care about.

The generations after Rui won't care what he did, he could be amazing, set records, but it will disappear. His friends will see him die, peacefully or brutally, and he will see them die. But the sooner you stop worrying about that, it'll be alot better, in fact it did. Rui was bullied, suicidal, and terribly depressed. He kept alive, despite the pointlessness of everything, he made it through and Look!, His friend Mizuki lived and was accepted by her friends like he was, his friend Nene managed to get over her stage fright momentarily once and is consistly doing it, he met new friends Tsukasa and Emu whom he shares adventures with and connect to, and despite their accomplishments becoming useless in the 50 years after their deaths.

It's worth it to be alive :>

[soiwrite4you]

and when I read a heart wrenching poetry,the metaphors used to write and realise how hurt one has to be ,to write such pain and call it poetry,to live again while writing it and call it a poetry....

[curlsandknots]

I see a lot of Alastor x Readers. (Probably because I seek them out.)

A lot of them like to bring up his 7 year absence for the sake of angst. Like, "You've been here since the beginning! You were his faithful wife! He disappeared mysteriously one day!" But you're always so sad or happy to see him. I wanna be angry. I wanna be brooding at home, convinced that he ran off with that "slut" Rosie because they always seemed so close. Falling for their best friend facade so easily, and wondering why he was so cagey about her. Screaming shit like, "You're fucking her, aren't you!? You-you-(take your pick.)" at him during the months leading up to his disappearance just so he can reassure you that he would never do such a thing to you, only to fuck off without warning one day, and then pop up on TV years later, shacking up with another woman?! "Who does that skank think he is!?" You scream at the top of your lungs.

Your television set shattered without a second thought.

The very same day, the hotel gets a brand new hole in their wall (nothing new for them) as Alastor's wife, ("Wait! Alastor has a wife??" Asks literally everyone.) Storms in, demanding to know where he is.

In seconds you're chasing him down, kicking, screaming, punching, and scratching at him, not caring about how much you're disrupting everyone's day as you attempt to punish your husband for abandoning you like that, demanding from him this time, to know where he was. And though he's taking quite a few slugs from you. To be perfectly honest, if he wanted to he could probably kill you... if he wanted to. But you Are his wife for a reason, so that's not happening anytime soon. Instead, he just shadowmancies up a few tendrils to hold you at bay while he allows you to kick and scream the last few bits of your energy out... away from him. And any attempts at intervening only stand to make things messier. Especially from Charlie, as you've now deemed her "Another one of his whores!" Much to everyone's shock and/or amusement.

After that, and probably a smartassed quip from Angel, Husk, or Lucifer, he's probably had just about enough public humiliation and sinks the two of you into a shadowy portal out of the public eye, and into his radio tower where no one can see you throwing an absolute fit, (and hopefully not hear you either, though you Are being pretty loud.) and he can attempt to reason with you without giving too much away.

...Once you've calmed down, of course.