Basically, Facebook is a devil spawn
It is fucking amazing to make a small change in your life and notice the result instantly. It's also amazingly horrifying to realize how much time you were spending mindlessly starting into a glass screen, reading everything, but absorbing nothing. At least nothing of substance. As it turns out, Facebook is a huge productivity drainer. I took the app off my phone so it wasn't so mindlessly accessible, and staying away from it on the actual laptop hasn't been difficult. Without allowing myself to be constantly suckling from the teat of social media, boredom set in immediately, which was closely followed by deep cleaning my apartment as a means to avoid my sudden state of consciousness, or at least take it out on something.
Not having a convenient distraction available has forced me into a state of needing to be present. Like, all the time. Is this what life was like pre-2007?! I'm not saying I'm not into it. If anything, it feels really good to increase my productivity and also catch/stop myself from allowing my thoughts to spiral into a black hole of negativity. The most recently ridiculous example being when I caught myself thinking about the reality of an apocalypse happening, and then having to kill my cats, one by one, to save them from a fate worse than death. I got as far as wondering how I would choose which cat to kill first, and the reaction of the other cats. I actually started tearing up before I caught myself. I mean, I love those little fuckers, but what the actual fuck? It makes me wonder how often my brain was doing that shit while I scrolled Facebook, running full speed into anxietyville...
Since acquiring my extra time, I'm feeling way more focused, and there's a more predictable flicker of drive that's been happening. Basically, an average day is as follows:
1) Regardless of bedtime or events of the night before, I am woken up any time between 5 and 6:30am (today it was 5:15am), to the sounds of small objects being slowly pushed off my dresser to the floor, both of which are hardwood. Objects include earrings, pens, books, and glasses of water. This is a signal to get the fuck out of bed and feed the cats.
I can usually tell how urgent it is by what they choose to fuck around with. When I see Basil staring at me while dipping his bastard paw into my weed tray, I move pretty quickly.
2) Plug in the kettle to make one bulletproof coffee (no more than one, except maybe on the weekend. This has been an issue in the past, and lead to a manic-like state. There's also no point in eating healthy and consistently if you have a river of coffee running through you. It sounds exactly as bad as it is), made with MCT oil only and half a scoop of flavour-free protein powder, but sans sugar, while simultaneously remembering to drink an organic apple cider vinegar and water mixture.
3) After choosing to start my day by drinking vinegar, I stumble back to bed, turn on my heating pad, and lay on top of it with my coffee nearby. I imagine this part of my day is comparable to Harlow's experiment in which a baby monkey was provided with a wire mother.
4) Start getting stomach pain from drinking coffee on an empty stomach and then google "coffee stomach pain". Diagnose myself with gastritis. Or possibly a stomach ulcer. I imagine an elaborate medical emergency where I die a slow and painful death, having to say goodbye to everyone I know, while obviously revelling in the spite that my death will cause those who have wronged me.
5) Take first bong toke of the day.
6) Breakfast. Its usually oatmeal and berries out of laziness, but there is always breakfast of some kind. Most important meal of the day AKA a hungry Dev is a cunty Dev. Plus, eating food is theeeeeee best.
7) Write out the order of importance of whatever responsibilities loom ahead of me that day.
8) More bong tokes.
9) Tidy the house, which on an average day is scooping cat poop and vacuuming the litter that's been scattered through the apartment like a good Samaritan might throw salt over an icy sidewalk. I'm most always listening to music while this is happening. Partly because I'm a happy morning person, and partly because no one wants that to be their reality. By now, it's usually around 7:30am, and the coffee and weed are in full effect. I can say with almost complete certainty that neighbours heading to work have caught unwilling glimpses of me aggressively rapping in the face of a perturbed cat,
all while wearing something from the drawer I have labeled, "not leaving the house". I wish I were joking. I also wish this weren't the only drawer that's spilling over. This time is also spent indulging in vanity, standing in front of my bedroom mirror and twisting myself into different poses to achieve maximum muscle tone. Et voila:
10) At some point in my day, have a protein shake with New Zealand whey, kefir, a scoop of powdered greens, ground flax, fruit, and whatever leafy greens I decided to buy that week. I also try to throw in cocoa nibs, hemp hearts, chia seeds, or extra veg, sometimes to the point of it tasting like a cold, sweet soup. Not ideal.
11) Deal with whatever life is throwing at me that day.
This is just the spine of what I've been trying to do daily. There are other things that should be obvious, but just in case some weight-loss nut stumbles across this and thinks I'm only consuming coffee and a protein shake, there are five clean meals in total, and I'm trying to drink 3L of water a day. Depending on the day, I see my therapist, go to a voice lesson, or see my trainer. I also make sure I do something physical once a day, even if it's just making sure I go for a half hour walk to get groceries or take 20 minutes to dance like a crazy person in my living room. Now you would thinking I'm doing my regular shtick of "no booze! No weed! No fun!", but this has sucked in the past. I'm trying to stick to what my trainer refers to as the 80:20 rule. Be healthy 80% of the time; slip up 20% of the time. Balance. I can deal with that.
Except for weed. Fuck that. I tried it out, and I'm not diggin it. So I cut down on my smoking in general, and I've been dosing myself nightly with edibles. That's my biggest vice, and because I've had much worse vices in the past, it stays. I'm quite content being the stereotype of a west coast island girl. Greens and green. If I could take it a step further by letting my pit hair grow free and splashing around in patchouli, but not become a social pariah, I would be in heaven.
So that's it. Keeping present and making sure I fuel my body properly. I realized as I was walking home yesterday that all my life, I've been really good at putting other people before myself. Mostly ungrateful boyfriends, but not limited to them. I've decided to try treating myself the way i would normally treat a guy; I'm putting my needs first and foremost. It felt a little selfish at first, but then I thought about how easily other people have been able to take generosity from me without giving anything back, and suddenly, it wasn't so bad anymore. Everything feels pretty delicious, actually. Except the keeping away from guys part. That feel frustrating. I crush like a 15-year-old in response, safely imagining what could be. As a consolation, a close friend pointed out to me about a crush, "oh come on! You know he's jerked off while thinking about you!" I'm not sure if the thought of that helps or hinders my situation. Times have changed since I was 15. Only slightly though, and only due to my previous naivety about men. I have since taken the blue pill, and like my neighbours seeing my bedroom dancing, there is no unseeing certain truths. For now, I will hang back and watch the games from the safety of the sidelines, providing my own TLC until further notice.