**Spoiler Alert!** Actually, wait...I’ve been quite clear that Kes and Dorian will receive a HEA in my fic, Time Past: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423880 XD It’s still a WIP, but here’s part of their in-the-works HEA :D
This beautiful piece of Kes and Dorian on their wedding day was done by the lovely @istehlurvz. She’s brought this wonderful moment to life perfectly, even down to Kestrel’s bouquet of Crystal Grace, his favorite flower <3
Weekly updates going forward until the story is finished. Find this fic in its entirety on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423880/chapters/52909252
I am sooooo bad about updating Tumblr. I’m sorry, guys! I posted this last week ^^; Commission done by the wonderful @istehlurvz which perfectly fits the wedding scene.
The next morning, Kestrel woke up alone, fingers ghosting over an empty space next to him in the bed. The sheets were cool to the touch. Dorian hadn’t been in bed for a while. With a disappointed groan, Kestrel turned over in bed to face the balcony. And Cole.
Kestrel jerked back, sitting up. Not only was Cole present, but another man stood beside him.
Kestrel clutched the sheets close to him, very aware of his nudity in front of the stranger. “Can I...help you?” he asked, embarrassed.
“He asked to see you. Given your intimate past with him, I didn’t think you would mind.”
Kestrel looked the visitor over and couldn’t deny the fact that there was something familiar about him. Between his long, dark hair with short shorn sides and gray eyes, he looked like he could be related to Dorian. And then he smiled.
Kestrel froze in horror. “You...it’s you!” He clutched the sheet to him tighter.
Cole frowned. “I thought it would be okay, but you’re not happy.”
“Of course I’m not, Cole! This….creature, he raped me.”
“We were both forced into a task we’d rather not do,” the non-Dorian said.
Swallowing hard, Kestrel forced himself to ignore the demon and continued addressing Cole. “He may be wearing a different face, but I recognize him as the demon he is.”
“He’s no longer a desire demon. Once his captor died, he was released from his shackles and returned to the Fade. There, he was able to regain his true form as a spirit of purpose.”
“Yes, which is why I wanted to see you, Kestrel. To thank you. You freed me with Master’s death. And to apologize. Being pulled from the Fade by force twists us, corrupts us. I was as much enslaved by my need to feed on your and Master’s desires as I was by the summoning itself. I regret the harm I caused you.”
Kestrel studied the spirit and judged him truthful, especially with Cole vouching for him. They’d both been slaves in that house, and the demon had never intentionally harmed him. “Alright, spirit. I...accept your apology. I’m sorry you were forced to participate in my torture. But forgiveness is not something I can offer you.”
The spirit smiled sadly. “I understand. Then I will take my leave.”
As he started to dissipate, Kestrel reached out and said, “Wait!”
Gray eyes fixed on him again, the spirit’s head tilting to the side. “Yes?”
“When you said I had no purpose except for Dorian, was that the truth?”
“Some purposes are small and others are large. They’re always changing, but they’re all important.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Making this man, this Dorian happy, would that be such a terrible purpose? You know the truth. Now, you just need to figure out how best to accomplish your purpose.”
“He’s happiest when you’re happy,” Cole said.
The other spirit nodded before popping out of existence.
“But I just want him to be happy, Cole. It doesn’t matter what I want. I’m already lucky enough that he’s accepted me back after...everything. If he wants a big wedding with lots of strangers, who am I to argue?”
“His partner. You’re his partner. You should tell him what you want.”
Kestrel sighed. “You’re right. Can you do me a favor?”
Cole smiled. “Yes.” And then he disappeared.
Kestrel took his time alone to climb out of bed and throw on one of Dorian’s robes and began pacing. What would Dorian say if he spoke his mind? When had he ever been worried about speaking his mind to Dorian, though?
“Amatus?” Dorian said with a tone that indicated that wasn’t the first time he’d spoken. “A little spirit told me you were looking for me.”
“Where were you?” Kestrel asked, unable to keep the accusatory tinge from his words.
Dorian shrugged off the tone and smiled softly. “I was catching up with Cullen, and then Bull joined us at the table for breakfast. I kept an eye out for you but never saw you come down. They’re all eager to see you again, you know.”
But would they be just as eager to be around him after seeing what he’s become? And why was he upset that Dorian was seeing their old friends instead of staying glued to his side? It was an unhealthy expectation.
“Do you know who paid me a visit while you were out?”
Dorian frowned and shook his head.
“The demon who...who…” Kestrel buried his face in his hand. Why was he even telling Dorian this? He knew it would upset him. He knew it would cause him guilt for leaving his side.
He spotted the clenching of Dorian’s fists and the darkening of his expression. The smoldering fireplace, reduced to mostly ashes, flared to life with Dorian’s rage.
Kestrel spoke before Dorian could vent his anger. “I...I’m sorry, ma vhenan. I feel like I’m falling apart and you’re the only one who’s holding me together. Even then, I feel like I don’t deserve you. Just like I don’t deserve their friendship. But I’m too selfish to give you up. Them, on the other hand, I’d rather they keep picturing me as the Inquisitor, as the Herald who wasn’t reduced to a pathetic waste after we parted ways, as the leader who wasn’t enslaved and branded. If they see me now…” Kestrel leaned against his desk, avoiding Dorian’s gaze and instead focusing on the stain glass doors closed against the cold.
“Everything in these past several months has been a whirlwind. I don’t know who I am anymore, only that I want to be with you. I’m clinging to that like a lifeline and was starting to get my footing, but here, at Skyhold, I’ve lost it again. I’m torn between who I was and who I am now. They’re very different people. Is it terrible that I only want our wedding to be us? I don’t want to focus on anyone else. If only you and I stand beneath the Creators during the bonding ceremony, you’ll have no choice but to see the person I am now and to either accept or reject that person. If there are others, you may fall into your usual facade to appease them; follow what they want for you.”
Dorian embraced him then. He wrapped his arms around Kestrel so tightly, there was a minor worry about cutting off his air. “Nothing can change the fact that I am determined to marry you, but I realize that coming here to do that wasn’t the best idea. If you want something small and intimate, I will make it happen, but that doesn’t mean that you should sequester yourself up here and avoid our friends. They’ve missed you, and I can assure you that, as your friends, they won’t judge you for what’s happened. That’s what friends are. Take me for example. I stepped into their midst as a Tevinter magister, a rogue mage from the most hated of countries, and while there was some hesitation at first, they accepted me. People warm to you in a heartbeat still, Kes. These are your friends, nothing has changed that.”
Kestrel buried his face in Dorian’s neck, breathing in his sandalwood scent to calm himself. “I...If you think it’s for the best, I suppose I can meet them again,” he murmured.
“Look, if it’s too much, too fast, let me—”
A tentative knock interrupted them.
“Dorian, did you…?”
Dorian pulled away, holding up his hands. “It’s not me, I swear.”
“You may enter,” Kestrel called out.
“Kestrel…?” asked a smaller voice.
Kestrel immediately recognized it, but there was no way…
Dalish’s head poked up from around the stairs, hesitation quickly shifting to joy as soon as their gazes connected. “Kestrel!” He cried and sprang forward, tackling Kestrel in the next moment.
Kestrel fell to the ground with a joyous laugh, hugging Dalish close. “What are you…?”
“The strangest thing happened,” another familiar voice said, and Taeven cleared the stairs.
“Tae…?” Dorian asked. “I thought you couldn’t take so much time away from running the Minrathous manor and the countryside estate.”
“The plan was to remain behind, but somehow your friend, Solas, heard about our desire to be with you, despite the time constraints, and planned travel arrangements. I’m not exactly sure how he had us travel since we were blindfolded, but it took only a day of travel to reach this place.”
“You saw him?”
“Only briefly. He had an elvhen escort us here, but he wanted to wish you a wonderful wedding. And he said, ‘Despite evidence to the contrary, I want you to be happy, Kestrel. Use what time is left to enjoy one another.’ ...He’s not the elvhen god bent on the destruction of Thedas, is he?”
Dorian frowned. “That’s the one.”
“That was Fen’harel? The Fen’harel?”
Kestrel nodded.
“I thought he felt a bit...wolfy,” Taeven said with a silly grin.
Dorian and Kestrel groaned while Dalish giggled.
“Enough of him, although we’ll happily accept his gift of having you two with us,” Kestrel said, hugging Dalish again.
Dalish returned the hug before climbing to his feet, bouncing on the balls. “Can you show me around? I’ve never seen a castle like this before.”
“What a wonderful idea! Kes, you should introduce Dalish to our friends. Since Taeven’s here, I’m going to enlist his help to shift a few plans around. That is, if he doesn’t mind.”
Taeven placed a hand on Dorian’s shoulder and squeezed. “Of course not. I’m all yours.”
“Oooo, yes! I want to meet Bull and Sera and all the people you’ve told me about! Please?” Dalish clasped his hands in front of him and put on his best pout.
Kestrel rolled his eyes at the obvious manipulation, but still grinned. “Twist my arm!” Standing up, he took Dalish’s hand in his. He knew this is exactly what Dorian wanted, to get him out of the room, but facing the Inquisition group didn’t seem as daunting with Dalish by his side.
***
Before Kestrel knew where the other days went, the day was upon them.
As was the custom, Dorian and Kestrel separated for the evening. Kestrel spent the night catching up with Dalish, listening to the tales of his first several weeks at the Circle, too anxious himself to think about sleep. Even when the boy tired and fell asleep with his head in Kestrel’s lap, his mind spun with what was to come. He ran his hand through Dalish’s hair to soothe himself.
At some point deep into the early hours of the morning, Kestrel must’ve fallen asleep for when he woke, Dalish was gone and morning light angled through the east-facing windows. He sat up when he thought he heard Dorian’s joyful laugh down the hallway, but it soon faded.
Taeven had been quite insistent that they remain apart for the night and day leading up to the ceremony, so their reunion was as special as it should be. Still, was he just supposed to wait in the tower room all day?
Growing restless, Kestrel hopped out of bed and started pacing. He had no idea what he was supposed to wear today. Each step raised his anxiety level until he was looking at the bedroom door like it was his only escape route. What if he tried the handle and it was locked like the Pavus Manor? What if his prison had only changed designs?
With a panicked whimper, he ran down the flight of stairs to the door. Just as his fingertips brushed the handle, the door swung open to reveal a happy and then suddenly startled Taeven, not expecting him to be right there.
As soon as his eyes met Kestrel’s, he must’ve seen the panic there for he quickly said, “Aneth ara. It’s okay. Calm, Kes. Breathe.” Although his hands were full of clothes, he quickly slung them over his shoulder to take Kestrel’s shoulders in hand. “What troubles you?”
His mind went to one person. “Is Dorian okay?”
“A bit nervous, as you appear to be, and grumbling about a sleepless night. Something about sharing a room with a snoring bull?” Taeven shook his head like he didn’t understand.
“And Dalish?”
“Your boy is fine, Kestrel. Last I saw, he was following your blonde-haired elf friend around.”
Kestrel winced. Hopefully, he didn’t get into too much trouble with Sera. At least, Dalish had hit it off with everyone the other night, and his presence had the added bonus of redirecting most of the attention away from Kestrel.
“Is there something else that’s worrying you? Your friends certainly seem happy to see you again,” Taeven said as he led Kestrel back up the stairs.
Yes, that was true. And no one had pressed him for details on what he’d been up to over the last few years, yet he had a sneaking suspicion by the pitying glances he sometimes caught, Dorian had told them some of what had happened. Despite that, he’d quickly reform the neglected bonds with Varric, Bull, and the rest of the gang over the last few evenings. Vivienne and Solas were the only two of the old Inquisition companions that were unable to attend. Vivienne had a prior engagement, and Solas, well…
Kestrel realized Taeven was staring at him, likely waiting for a response. He tried to give a voice to the anxiety he was feeling. “I’ve just waited for this day for so long. So long, I’d come to believe it would never happen. Now that it’s here, I’m waiting for something to stop it.”
“Kes, I want you to leave the worrying to me, okay? You’re in a safe place, surrounded by people who love you and who support you. Nothing will go wrong, and even if there is a minor hiccup, we have plenty of hands available to help out. Now, I’m having a bath and food brought up, and you’re to take as long as you’d like to relax. After that, I will return to help you get dressed. I think you’ll like the outfit Dorian had made,” Taeven said, gesturing to the clothes he’d laid out on the bed.
“And Dorian…?”
Taeven smiled. “You’ll see him soon enough. I promise.”
***
The rest of the day passed slowly and quickly. At one point Kestrel dozed in the tub and lost and hour, while after he dressed in the outfit Dorian picked for him, he waited for what felt like ages for Taeven to arrive.
He’d already paced on to the balcony, leaving the door open for the sun-warmed air to freshen his room. There was lots of noise around the Keep, happy noises, but he was too far up to spot any details. If the amount of people running around down below was any indication, Kestrel was concerned his request for a smaller ceremony had been ignored.
He took the crawling time to examine himself in the mirror. Dorian had managed to find him a traditional Dalish robe of leather dyed a beautiful ocean blue. Underneath the robe, an earthy brown set of cloth pants and tunic ensured he wouldn’t overheat, even with woven leather shin guards, a bracer, and a matching belt. Fortunately, there were no shoes to go along with the outfit, leaving Kestrel’s feet blessedly bare.
A golden collar and pendant with the same leaf design from his wedding band sat to the side. The jewelry would have to wait until he had some help, he decided. As if summoned from his thoughts, a soft knock heralded Taeven’s return.
As he cleared the stairs and caught sight of Kestrel, he froze, hand lifted to his lips to hold back a small gasp. “It’s beautiful,” he murmured. “You’re beautiful,” he quickly corrected. Tears collected in his eyes. “Dorian is going to be dumbstruck when he sees you, Kes.”
Kestrel flushed furiously under the praise. “You think so?”
Taeven nodded his head. He glided to Kestrel’s side, picking up the golden collar to secure it around Kestrel’s neck.
“How did he even know what was traditional Dalish garb for a bonding ceremony?”
Taeven grinned. “I may have had a part to play in that. Despite having to pull away from your people for their protection, I know you still honor their customs.”
The collar latched into place, and Kestrel was surprised it didn’t surface unpleasant memories. Still, he thought the decoration was odd and couldn’t hold back a question. “What about the collar? That’s definitely not Dalish.”
“It’s a Tevinter custom. Both parties wear a collar to signify their unwavering loyalty and servitude to one another in marriage.” Taeven draped the necklace around Kestrel’s neck as he spoke.
“And the pendant?” Kestrel asked, holding it up to get a better look. Two snakes entwined around each other, framing a large emerald.
“A wedding present from Dorian. You know how he loves his snake motifs.”
Kestrel smiled.
Taeven stepped back, tears fresh in his eyes again. “Well, my boy, are you ready?”
The setting sun cast a warm glow over the courtyard. Despite the chill always present in the mountains, a jungle of plants flourished under the tender touch of the resident gardener. Flowers of all hues tilted towards the fading light, filling the air with a delicate, familiar fragrance. A breeze rustled the plants and stirred the stillness, releasing a gentle tinkling that Kestrel immediately recognized.
Crystal grace draped the outer stone walls of the gazebo, their pale blue bells enchanted into a harder shell that chimed with each movement. Dorian had once presented him a bouquet similarly enchanted, and Kestrel had fallen in love with the delicate bloom. Leave it to Dorian and his steel-trap mind to never forget a detail like that.
Under the gazebo stood a sight that dwarfed all others in beauty. More wonderful than the friends gathered to witness the ceremony, more magical than the dim sunlight glimmering off the crystal flowers, and more stunning than the fact that Kestrel would be a married man in the next hour. The sight of Dorian waiting for him with a glorious grin on his face stole Kestrel’s breath away, freezing him under the overhang to the main keep.
The typical black and gold hugged Dorian’s form, but his outfit lacked the dramatism he normally wore in Tevinter. A dark robe with golden borders was tied close by a wide cloth belt embellished with embroidered peacock feathers. Golden bracers taped down billowing sleeves around his wrists, and a metal collar that matched Kestrel’s completed the look. In that moment, Kestrel desired nothing more than to sprint Dorian up to their room and slowly peel off each garment to reveal Dorian’s true beauty beneath.
“Kestrel?”
Summoned from his dirty thoughts by Dalish’s soft prompt, Kestrel flushed, shifting his gaze to the boy before him.
Dalish offered a bouquet of unenchanted crystal grace. “Dorian said they were your favorite,” he said. “They don’t like the cold, but with the gardener's help, I managed to keep them alive for today.”
The sky-colored flowers were still as perky as if they had just been picked. The magenta stamens swayed as Kestrel took them in hand and brought them to his nose. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, letting the fragrance take him back to a time before all of his trauma. He gathered his strength from back then, his bearing, his easy laughter, his naivety, and coiled them around him like an invisible shield. He could do this.
Opening his eyes, he smiled at Dalish and said, “Thank you. They’re beautiful.”
The smile he received back pumped more fuel into his strength. On a whim, Kestrel asked, “Mind walking me down the aisle, Dalish?”
“Yes! I mean, no! I mean...I would love to!” Dalish struggled to answer, but his even wider grin spoke volumes. He quickly grabbed Kestrel’s arm, linking them together. “Are you ready?”
Kestrel looked past their friends, down to the gazebo, to the man patiently waiting for him. “Yes,” he said simply.
Chest puffed with pride, Dalish began marching them down the stone path of the courtyard, following its meandering trail.
“It’s about time,” said Sera.
Right after, Bull yelled, “Made us wait forever, Boss!”
“Still, makes for an excellent tale,” said Varric.
Several people snickered in response.
Kestrel grinned, but his eyes were firmly rooted on Dorian growing ever closer.
Dorian tracked him along their path, steady gray gaze holding everything Kestrel needed to see. There was no judgment to be found, only reassurance, acceptance, forgiveness, and love. They could have ended the ceremony right there, and Kestrel would have had all that he needed, all that he longed for in his life.
As soon as Dalish passed him over to Dorian and their hands touched, the ceremony breezed by. It wasn’t important, only the way Dorian looked at him was. Kestrel remembered Divine Victoria leading the ceremony and rambling on his half of their shared vows, but he lost himself in the soothing gray of Dorian’s tearful eyes, in how warm his hands were when they exchanged rings, in the sound of is voice choked with barely restrained emotion. And then his lips were on him, celebrating with joyous tears christening the kiss.
Kestrel threw his arm around Dorian’s shoulders, bouquet still in hand, and kissed Dorian with every ounce of love he had. They were married. Nothing would keep them apart now. Not life, or death.
LOOK at this! Isn’t it gorgeous?? This is a beautiful tarot card commission from @flavoredmagpie of my Inquisitor Kestrel and his love, Dorian. The colors, the detail (see the peacock and kestrel feathers???), the EMOTION. It’s beautiful and wonderful and I’m so impressed.
I picked the Three of Swords for the heartbreak and abandonment they both feel post-Trespasser in my fic on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423880
The two of them go through so much T_T But it does have a HEA (at least it will once it’s finished - still a WIP)!
ANYway, @flavoredmagpie has been so pleasant to work with! I would definitely recommend commissioning them <3
Look at this beautiful piece of artwork from @singuminklarity! Look at my precious boy, Kes, and the man he loves! They’re perfect. I cannot rave enough about how much a love this piece! The expression they both have from that familiar scene in the game is spot-on. And the peacock feather background is glorious!
@singuminklarity was such a pleasure to work with, and you should definitely commission her if you have a chance. She is a gem, and her work speaks for itself 💖 Thank you so much for this!
Weekly updates going forward until the story is finished. Find this fic in its entirety on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423880/chapters/52317766
Time passed strangely after that. Snippets of conversation flitted through his consciousness.
“It’s been a week and there’s been no response.”
“I know that, Tae. Did you send for the boy? Dalish?”
“Yes, but it’ll likely be another week before he arrives. I sent a messenger to Atronis and Dalish as soon as we had word of their location, but that was only a few days ago.”
“Kaffas. Maybe that boy could help heal Kes more than what I’ve been able to do. I fear…” Dorian’s voice choked off.
“He’s taking fluids for now. That spell would have killed him if you hadn’t killed Aquinea when you did. Because of you, Kestrel has a fighting chance. His body just needs time to heal.”
A hand roughly grabbed Kestrel’s and lifted, pressing it against a tear-stained cheek. “Fight, Kes. I need you to fight for me, for you...Please.”
Dorian sounds like he was in so much pain, and Kestrel longed to acknowledge his touch, but no matter how hard Kestrel willed his eyes to open, they refused. The darkness soon pulled him back under.
~~~
A sickenly sweet scent stirred him from his slumber. It was the same scent from the Pavus House baths. Had his escape been a dream? He knew he was in the house that broke him down, that revealed to him the worthless, useless elf he was.
He struggled to move but couldn’t.
“So helpless, little bird.” A hand ghosted over his cheek. “No fight left in you, hmm?” The sheets were pulled down and the hand continued its path down his chest.
A second hand closed around his throat as a new voice spoke. “I should’ve killed you the first chance I had. Proceed as you see fit, Harrier.”
“With pleasure,” he purred, hand dancing lower and lower.
Kestrel’s mind screamed, but his body was useless. Unresponsive.
The hand tightened and tightened, cutting off his air supply even as Harrier fondled him.
Mercifully, unconsciousness barreled towards him, and Kestrel welcomed it this time.
~~~
Tense hands gripped Kestrel’s, a trembling thumb brushing along his knuckles. It paused at his ring, running over the warm surface. “Kes, I’m sorry I put you here. So many ‘what if’s’ run through my mind at night as I lie awake. What if I’d stayed with you instead of returning here? What if I allowed you to come with me at the start? What if I killed my mother after realizing she was the one who wanted me dead? None of this would’ve happened. You would be healthy, happy, and whole. I know I don’t deserve you after everything I’ve put you through, but I need you to keep fighting. Please. I can’t lose you again.”
Kestrel tried to squeeze his hand to let him know it was okay, that he didn’t hold any of what happened against Dorian, but his body remained frustratingly unaware to his commands.
A huge blast of air jolted Kestrel awake. He could sense something large standing over him, scaled snout sniffing. Another large exhale bathed him in the stench of decaying carrion and something more putrid.
Kestrel had no trouble remaining still, praying the beast passed him by.
A slimy tongue slide along his shoulder and up his neck, leaving a tacky trail.
His throat seized as a whimper tried to escape, heart hammering harder and harder in his chest before it stuttered to a stop.
~~~
“Kestrel!” cried a small, strained voice before a smaller body slammed into his, despite the echoing protests from the others in the room.
At first, Kestrel was worried the creature had returned, but small hands grabbed him. Those didn’t belong to any evil beast waiting to feast on him, yet he was cautious of hoping for anything better until he felt Dalish climb into bed with him and nestle close. Tears dampened his shoulder as a familiar warmth spread through the rest of Kestrel’s body, repairing the damage Dorian was unable to heal.
Unable to open his eyes, Kestrel still basked in the warmth and love from Dalish, the nightmares pushed back to the corners of his mind.
Dalish, exhausted from the magic use and his trip, and Kestrel, worn from the healing itself, slipped into a deep sleep together.
Unfortunately, the horror of his trauma could only be kept at bay for so long. The nightmares returned in force, punishing Kestrel for the short moments of respite. They plagued his every waking moment, unable to move, but able to feel every cut, every bite, every violation.
~~~
“I don’t understand. He should be awake by now. His body is healed,” Taeven muttered.
“But his mind...he has bad nightmares from when Mast--Morven hurt him.”
A strong hand clasped Kestrel’s, finger brushing over the golden band. “So what ails him may be more mental?”
“Kestrel is strong, Dorian. He’ll fight this and come back to us. I know it.” Dalish sounded confident.
Several voices agreed, offering up similar sentiments.
“Amatus, please, come back to us.”
I’m trying! Kestrel insisted, even though no one could hear him.
“Dalish?” Someone gently shook him awake, jostling Kestrel into consciousness too. “You should come to dinner.” Kestrel recognized Alvinius’ voice. It was disorienting. Had Kestrel left Tevinter or had Alvinius traveled all the way here, risking recapture?
“But Kestrel…” Dalish protested, clinging to him.
“You should let him rest, mon cher. Let’s get some dinner, and we’ll visit him again in the morning, okay?”
Dalish pressed a kiss to Kestrel’s cheek and whispered, “I’ll be back after dinner. No one can stop me.”
His departure left a cold void next to Kestrel.
“You’re trapped.” Cole’s voice spoke to him in his mind. “Your mind knows you’re back in the place of your torment. It’s trying to protect you, shield you, but if you don’t fully wake soon, you’ll die here, Inquisitor. I tried to take those painful memories away, but they resist like there’s a shield around them.”
Cole. He tried speaking with his mind, knowing if anyone could hear him, it’d be Cole. Cole. Try as hard as he might, he couldn’t get Cole to acknowledge his attempts.
“I hope this is not the last time I can visit you,” Cole said sadly before his presence disappeared.
No, he refused to die here in the house that saw him brought to his lowest, surrounded by the sickly sweet scent of bottled flowers.
~~~
Kestrel ignored Corypheus’ visit even though he whispered horrible things into his ear as he clawed at his flesh. It wasn’t real. That mantra played over and over in his mind. He needed to ignore the torment and focus on his surroundings, listening for his next visitor. He knew he’d have to put every ounce of his energy towards communicating, so he waited and conserved his strength.
Slow steps walked toward him, before they stopped. The noise of a chair being repositioned next to him and a heavy body slumping onto its padded surface followed.
A warm hand took hold of his, squeezing. “Kes,” Dorian said, sounding so very tired.
Kestrel longed to kiss Dorian’s pain away, to rub the tension from his shoulders, and curl up in bed with him, but he was trapped in his own body.
“It’s been over two weeks and you...you haven’t changed. Your body is deteriorating before my eyes, and I feel so helpless. I need some sign from you. Something, please. Anything. Open those beautiful blue eyes for me,” Dorian pleaded, tears dampening his tone.
Dorian pressed his forehead against Kestrel’s hand, and tears steadily dripped onto Kestrel’s cool skin.
Kestrel tried desperately to pry his eyes open. He focused on Dorian’s pain, using that as fuel to get his body to cooperate. He pushed, he pulled, he urged, he begged and nothing. Not even a twitch of his eyelid. Even if his eyes wouldn’t open, maybe something else would work with him.
He moved to his mouth where his tongue felt like a slab of lead, immovable. His lips remained as firmly shut as his eyes, and he couldn’t manage even a flick on his tongue.
Then surely his hand would cooperate! Dorian’s skin felt extra hot against his cool flesh. Kestrel soaked in the warmth and the tears. Just one finger twitch would be enough to convince Dorian he was there and listening. He focused so hard for so long, he was jarred from his attempt when Dorian pulled away with a sniffle.
As Kestrel’s hand fell the short distance to the bed, his finger curled, but Dorian was already out of the room. A meaningless victory.
There was no escaping his prison. After everything he’d been though, after everything he’d fought for, he was still going to die with Dorian barely out of reach.
~~~
Sunlight hit Kestrel’s face, pulling his mind to the present. It lit up his closed eyelids, filling his blocked vision with a warm pink. How long since he’d felt the sunlight on his skin? Slipping his awareness around him, Kestrel realized he was seated on a padded cushion, and by the way his body swayed, he was in a carriage.
Firm arms surrounded him, holding him tight against an equally firm chest. Dorian.
“Before you leave me, amatus, there’s a place I want to show you. As best as I can.” The sadness in his words broke Kestrel’s heart.
“He’ll know,” Dalish said nearby, probably seated across from them.
“I just…” Dorian sighed. “It’s a risk moving him, but if this is his end, I didn’t want him to die in that house. He deserves to be somewhere peaceful. It’s not quite ready, but I don’t think he’ll last long enough to see the completion.”
“He really loves you, you know,” Dalish said softly, repeating what he’d told Kestrel not long ago.
Dorian nuzzled against Kestrel’s neck, whispering, “I love him. Terribly.”
Kestrel felt so weak, so useless. He knew his body was failing him as much as Dorian said so. Consciousness came to him less and less as the days passed, and he’d given up hope of ever being able to wake up again.
Might as well allow himself this fleeting moment of alertness to bask in the warm light and Dorian’s even warmer love.
Kestrel came around again in a field of grass, the cool blades grazing his arm, legs, and neck. Songbirds chirped overhead before the shrill cry of a kestrel silenced them. And there were so many smells to pick through, flowers, manure, hay, fresh hewn wood. Was he on a farm or near a stable? He couldn’t be sure, but the grass and gentle breeze mingling the aromas together indicated he was at least outside.
Dorian laid down beside him, touching as much of their sides together as possible. “This was going to be our home. I started building it after I made my first jaunt back to Tevinter before...everything with Solas. I already knew I was going to propose and hoped you’d join me up here. And then my father died and our relationship fell apart. I had it worked on for a while, enough to get the house finished, and then forgot about it. As best as I could.
“And then you arrived in my life again, Kes. For a short time, I thought we still might be able to move here. I had the men start working on the property again, building the stable, setting up a garden, everything I knew you’d love. Even after my...mother sunk her claws into you, I knew I’d find a way to get you out of there. There was no other option. And then you died.
“I thought about coming here and setting the whole place on fire, throwing my body on the flames, but that was a bit too dramatic, even for me.” Dorian took a shuddering breath. “And then miracle of all miracles, you returned to me again. Just for me to watch you wither away.”
Dorian had built them a house and now Kestrel was going to die without ever seeing it. Rather than the usual disappointment or depression that haunted him, anger simmered in his gut, growing into an inferno of rage. He’d had everything taken away from him since a young age. He’d been forced to give and give and give. Was it too much to ask for this small gift?
“I know you’d love it, Kes. There’s a forest on the backend of the property for hunting, if you’d like. And a garden where you can grow whatever vegetables and herbs you want. The stables are for your hordes of mounts. I heard Dennet still has most of them in Skyhold, but here you can be reunited with them again.”
Dorian shifted onto his side and draped an arm over Kestrel, pulling him close. He buried his face into Kestrel neck and murmured, “I just need you to come back to me and all of this will be yours. Is it too much to ask for just one more miracle?”
Mythal was the protector but also the goddess of vengeance, and Kestrel swore that he would not allow Aquinea to win in the end by keeping him away from Dorian. The fury within Kestrel blossomed and bloomed into something fierce and torrential. It tore through his body, boiling his blood and leaving aching, tired muscles in its wake. But they were no longer frozen. For the first time in weeks, when Kestrel willed his eyes open, they responded.
Shocked, Kestrel froze, eyes wide as he stared into the blurry, sun-shielding boughs of a large tree overhead. His eyes immediately filled with tears against the brightness of his surroundings. Still, now was not the time to retreat back into his prison, it was time to burst forth.
Kestrel parted his lips, tongue heavy but responding enough for him to croak out a faint “Dorian,” voice weak with disuse.
There was a delayed response, as if Dorian didn’t quite believe what he heard after wishing for it for so long. At last, he reacted, cautiously sitting up, but once gray eyes met blue, he cupped Kestrel’s face in his hands. “Kes? Kes, is that…? Maker’s breath, you’re awake!” Still holding on, grip tight, he turned his head to the house and yelled, “He’s awake!” There was a cry of surprise in response before Dorian turned back to Kestrel and pressed his forehead against his.
“You have to stop scaring me like this, amatus, it’s not good for my heart,” Dorian blubbered through fresh tears.
Kestrel worked a weak smile to his lips and swallowed. “I love you,” he said, voice still dry and raspy.
The pattering of small feet heralded Dalish’s arrival only a moment before he dropped to his knees and threw his arms around Kestrel and Dorian. He was crying too through a big grin, overjoyed with the fact that Kestrel was awake and responsive.
Once the emotions lowered to a simmer, Dalish said into their embrace, “We should get him inside and see if we can get him to eat something.”
“Yes, yes, right you are.” Dorian scooped Kestrel up in his arms like he weighed nothing. He probably didn’t after wasting away for several weeks.
Dalish grabbed his dangling hand.
As they turned towards the beautiful house of Dorian’s creation, Kestrel could only focus on the beaming Taeven, the tearful Alvinius, and the relieved Atronis waiting at the entrance. He finally felt like he was home.
Kestrel used the last bit of his energy to squeeze Dalish’s hand and snuggle against Dorian’s chest, falling asleep to the steady thrum of his heartbeat.
***
Kestrel woke much later after night was in full swing. He found himself in another unfamiliar room, another unfamiliar bed, with someone sleeping beside him. Before full panic could set in, the warm form next to him shifted and turned over, revealing Dorian. With the sight of his sleeping face, the memories of the past few weeks came back to him. Snippets of conversation playing around him without the ability to respond. Although his eyes were open, what if his body was paralyzed? Almost too afraid to try, Kestrel focused on closing his hand into a fist. While he didn’t have the strength to lift his arm up, he could feel his fingers ball together. His body was weak but responsive. Still, he knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed on his own which left him to stare at the wooden beams in the ceiling, tracing their unfamiliar pattern with his eyes.
Dorian inched closer, sensing his disquiet. He wrapped his arm around Kestrel’s waist and kissed his shoulder.
Kestrel tensed, worried he’d ask for more, knowing he was incapable of giving him more, unsure he was worthy of more. Fortunately, his worrying was for naught. Dorian’s breath deepened as he fell back asleep, leaving Kestrel alone with his thoughts.
As the room darkened, fire in the hearth burning low, so did his thoughts.
Morven stood over him, limp dick in hand. “My, my, what would your people think of you now seeing your brought so low? Better yet, what would Pavus think, seeing you covered in my piss, kneeling obediently before me? Think he’d be awed or disgusted?”
Morven had broken him down more thoroughly than he thought possible. That was only possible because of how weak he was to begin with. How quick had he been to beg for forgiveness? How quick had he been to fall submissive by Morven’s side, letting everyone take what they wanted from him?
The demon shifted into view, leaning over Kestrel to whisper in his ear, “My my, you truly have no purpose in this life, do you? You’re driven solely by your desire to be with that one man.”
Everything Kestrel did was for Dorian. Why when such a man should want nothing to do with him? Dorian was his life, and yet he caused Dorian so much pain in the last several months. How could that be healthy for him?
Kestrel blinked as tears filled his eyes and Aquinea replaced the demon to echo his doubts. “But what do you have to offer him now, Inquisitor? What makes you think you’re even worthy of his attention? You’re nothing now. You hold an empty title. You have no land, no people. You don’t even have two arms! He’s the one with the position of power. And if he were to actually marry you? He would get nothing but ridicule and disgust. You have to know your insignificant presence is nothing but a detriment to whatever lofty goals he hopes to achieve.”
“You know, I thought about having Morven cut off your finger to remove the ring since it’s so stubbornly affixed, but then I thought, what better way to remind you what you’ll always be unworthy of?”
Aquinea was right. He had nothing to offer Dorian, and he’d only hold him back. Why did he think he could save Dorian when he’d be the one to bring him ruin in the end?
“Banish whatever dark thoughts are swirling around in your head,” Dorian said softly.
Startled, Kestrel jerked his head to the side, sending his vision swimming and tears falling.
“Oh, amatus,” Dorian murmured, lifting himself onto his elbow to brush away Kestrel’s tears. “You know, when we were discussing what you wanted for yourself in the Winter Palace, and I answered with a joke? I should’ve been serious. I should’ve told you that my home is with you. Wherever you decide to go, I will be there. Whether you choose this house or somewhere else, I will be there with you.”
The location didn’t matter, what mattered is that they couldn’t share it. He didn’t deserve to be with Dorian. Now was the time to end this.
“I don’t think we should get married, Dorian,” Kestrel said, trying to put as much strength into his words as possible.
Dorian blinked, an uneasy grin rising to lips, unsure if this was some cruel joke. “What? Why ever not?”
Kestrel pulled his face from Dorian’s hold, staring at the ceiling again. “I’m nobody. You...you’re perfect. And what you’re doing in Tevinter is amazing. ...I’m not worthy of you. I’m not worthy to stand by your side, Dorian. I’m useless...I can’t even provide for us.”
He was corrupted. Sullied. Perverted. Unworthy of Dorian. Now more than ever. He needed him to know that he had an out. He had no obligation to him.
“Amatus.”
That one word still made his heart clenched every time he heard it. He remained turned away, hoping Dorian would say it one final time before they parted.
He needed to get everything out before Dorian stopped him. “I was the reason you were tortured. I was the reason you had to kill your mother, Dorian. It’s unforgivable. Do you really want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life?”
“Kes, look at me.”
Unable to resist the pain in his voice, Kestrel turned back to Dorian.
“That wasn’t your fault. That was hers,” Dorian hissed. Fury dying down, he continued with a softer voice, “While I’m flattered you think I’m so grand, you have to stop putting me on a pedestal. I’m hardly as perfect as you claim, despite what I want others to believe. Forgetting the fact you saved all of Thedas for a moment, you’re someone to me. We both have our flaws, but you’re perfect to me. I know you’ve been through a lot, and it will take a while to put the pieces back together but know that I want to marry you as soon as you feel strong enough. All I need to know in return is this...Kestrel Lavellan, will you stand by my side?”
That was all it took to break him again, to knock down his insecurities and make room for his deep-seated selfishness when it came to Dorian. One heartfelt request.
Kestrel started crying again, too weak to refuse. This was all he ever wanted. To marry Dorian, to live in peace together; it was being offered up to him, and he didn’t have the will to refuse. “Yes,” he sobbed, and Dorian embraced him.
Find this fic in its entirety at: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423880/chapters/53360149
The journey back was a leisurely one. They had a whole caravan of Kestrel’s mounts from Skyhold to take back to Tevinter, afterall. After a tearful goodbye from Dennett, at least the harts and horses, and a light pat to the drascolisks and giant nug, they set off with Dalish and Taeven joining them. Neither knew how to access the eluvian that had brought them to Skyhold, and Dorian promised a concerned Dalish he’d help him with the studies he was missing.
The journey back was an uneventful one. Kestrel practice attuning himself to the quirks of his new arm with Taeven’s aid while Dorian and Dalish worked on his magic studies. Kestrel often found himself staring at the two of them, admiring their growing bond during the trip.
The journey back was an emotional one.
“You know, there is a path to adoption,” Taeven whispered one time when Kestrel found himself staring again with a fond smile.
Immediately, his attention was on Taeven. “There is?”
“Sure. If you have a magister sponsor the adoption, no one will even look twice. He’d take the Pavus name and become an official heir.”
“That’s wonderful news! I have to check with Dorian, but I’m sure he would agree.”
“Would I?”
Kestrel jumped and turned his attention to Dorian. Both him and Dalish were watching him with similar expressions full of love and amusement, although Dalish’s eyes sparkled with unshed tears. That could only mean one thing. “You already went through with the adoption, didn’t you?” Kestrel said, prodding Dorian in the chest with the accusation, struggling to keep his own tears in check.
“Before we left for Skyhold, I had the papers drawn up. I was going to surprise you with them once we returned home. Everyone was to keep quiet until then, but then I guess some of us are better at keeping secrets than others,” Dorian answered, looking pointedly at Taeven. “Dalish kept the secret better than you, you old man!”
Taeven grinned and shrugged. “My memory must’ve failed me.”
They all started laughing and didn’t stop until they were wiping tears from their eyes and embracing.
Kestrel had gained so much in the last month, it overshadowed everything that had been taken from him. He’d gained a husband, a son, friends, both new and old, and they all made up his family. That found family was his true happiness.
EPILOGUE:
Dorian sliced a carrot in the kitchen, preparing the vegetables for a stew while Kestrel had the less appealing task of skinning and gutting the rabbit he’d shot earlier. Summer had come and gone, and fall shed the leaves from the trees and made the ground crunch underfoot as the herald for winter. Dalish would be returning home from the circle for Satinalia in the next few weeks, and Kestrel was a restless ball of energy, waiting for his return.
They’d fallen into a healthy cycle of rest and relaxation over the past months after the house was finished and set-up as Kestrel preferred on the outside and how Dorian preferred on the inside. Sure, there were trips made into Minrathous when the Magisterium was in session, or trips around Tevinter for other Lucerni work, but their life was relatively quiet. Dorian could tell it was wearing on Kestrel who spent his days hunting to get out of the house. Their larder was full of enough meat to last them well through spring.
A knock on the door drew Dorian’s attention from his thoughts and the mangled carrot in front of him. He still wasn’t great at chopping vegetables and doubted he ever would be. Not a horrible loss in the grand scheme of things.
“Kes, if you have your hands full of more dead animals, I swear--” Dorian opened the door to find Cullen there dressed in his leather traveling armor, red cloak slung around his shoulders, but missing that distinctive fur mantle.
“Ah, Dorian,” Cullen greeted in his typical, endearing, awkward manner.
“Wonderful to see you too, Cullen. Please, come in,” Dorian said with a smirk, turning sideways to allow him past.
“You have a beautiful house here. Very peaceful,” he said, hands twisting together as he looked around the entryway.
The nervous action wasn’t missed by Dorian. “Yes, and we prefer to keep it that way. What can I do for you, Commander?”
Cullen glanced around, refusing to meet Dorian’s gaze. Straightening his shoulders, he asked, “Is the Inquisit--Kestrel around?”
“I thought you’d retired to help other retired templars, Cullen. What are you doing here?”
“We have word on his location through Leliana’s network. He never stays in one place long, so we must act.”
Dorian crossed his arms over his chest. “You can’t ask this of Kes!” he said sharply.
Cullen finally met his angry gaze. “Solas helped him when he was enslaved and let him and his kid use the eluvian network. Kestrel is the only one who might be able to get close enough to him to…”
“Cullen!” Kestrel said, coming from the kitchen. His nose and cheeks rosy with the outdoor cold, but it did nothing to dampen the bright smile offered to their visitor.
Kestrel had come so far in the last several months. It’d been at least a month since his last nightmare and longer still since his last relapse into the depths of his trauma. Dorian and Dalish had nurtured him along with their unconditional love, bringing the light and life back into those beautiful sea-blue eyes of his. He was not about to let Cullen or the shadow of their former organization he still represented take that away from Kestrel again.
Cullen smiled in response to Kestrel’s warm welcome before it faded into a concerned frown.
Dorian could only hope Cullen saw the change in Kestrel too and would think better of his request.
Kestrel linked arms with Cullen and led him deeper into the house. “Come, you must stay for dinner. So long as you don’t mind your vegetables butchered. Dorian’s the smartest man I know, yet he can’t chop a carrot to save his life.”
Laughing, the two disappeared in the back.
“Kaffas,” Dorian cursed under his breath, and it wasn’t about the insult to his culinary skills either.
He hurried after them. He cleared the doorway into the kitchen as Kestrel dropped the diced rabbit meat into the pot, along with Dorian’s poorly cut vegetables. Kestrel poured a mug of ale for Cullen from a small cask on the counter and handed it over, before pouring himself one. Leaning against the counter, he watched Cullen over his cup as the man chugged the entire contents before setting it down on the table.
Dorian joined Kestrel at his side as Kestrel said, “Now, Cullen, as much as your visit is welcomed, you’re not the type to drop in unexpectedly without something important to say. Out with it, so you can enjoy your meal without it hanging over you.”
Cullen pinkened and swallowed heavily. “I...well, we’ve tracked Solas down, but we can’t get to him. We think you might be able to.”
“Where is he?”
“In Tevinter. About a day’s ride away.”
Kestrel grabbed Dorian’s hand.
Dorian squeezed is reassurance, already knowing what words were going to come out of his mouth. He also knew there’d be no point in arguing.
“We have to be back in time for Satinalia. Our son is coming home for the holiday.”
Cullen nodded his head. “If all goes well, that should happen. We’ve planned a week.”
Dorian snorted. Since when did their plans go well?
Kestrel turned to him and said, “You can stay, ma vhenan. I know you have a big meeting with the Lucerni coming up.”
Dorian waved his comment away. “Mae can handle it. I’m never leaving your side again, amatus. If you believe this course of action is best, then I’m with you. Better together.”
Kestrel cupped Dorian’s cheek with his hand, the metal of his gold ring cool against Dorian’s skin compared to Kestrel’s palm. “Better together.”
Whatever Fen’Harel had in store for them, whatever other obstacles Thedas conjured to throw in their path, Dorian knew they’d be okay if they stayed together. He’d never let the world or his own stupidity tear them apart again.
