#kh posts personal stuff

[kanamesharisenwrites]

i'm not normally one for new year's resolutions because A) every time i've tried i've epically failed and B) realized the custom is driven by capitalism and some socially misinformed need to "fix" myself. but this year i really felt like, considering the state of my personal life, i should do something. so here goes...

heather's 2024 new year's sidequest list:

post 1 chapter of fanfic per month (even if the chapters are shorter than i'd like)

read 4 new books completed 7/13/2024

eat a piece of produce everyday completed 12/31/2024

drink at least as much water as my tea consumption completed 12/31/2021

buy myself a ring completed 7/5/2024

collect a starbuck's cup for every season completed 11/23/2024

go to a concert completed 9/9/2024

discover a new band or fandom completed 3/15/2024

go on a monthly adventure with my daughter completed 12/14/2024

take my son to the musical instrument museum

travel to another state completed 10/29/2024

buy bigger luggage

go camping

create a new education/career plan completed 4/30/2024

get a tattoo

move completed 7/25/2024

get a divorce

refinish a piece of furniture completed 10/22/2024

make a new friend completed 7/26/2024

take a selfie with everyone i love completed 10/30/2024

write a poem

send out christmas cards (not digital!)

eat a meal from a cuisine i've never tried before

finish a video game

forgive someone completed 5/27/2024

explore a national landmark completed 12/14/2024

get a passport

there's a total of 26 here - one for every year that my life was not my own

[kanamesharisenwrites]

on september 8th - a month after our 26th wedding anniversary - my husband told me that he wanted to separate

i don't know how to feel

neither of us have anywhere else we can go. our nearest respective families are over 5 hours away. the tiny rural town we live in - and all housing options - is owned by the mining company my husband works for. the restaurant i work for is only allotted 3 homes by said company, all of which are already occupied by other coworkers

so here i am, forty-something years old, living out of a guest room in what was, until 2 weeks ago, was my home. i gathered my personal belongings (most of them anyway) and turned the space into as close to a studio apartment as i could make it. 26 years and my entire life fits into a 12 foot x 14 foot room

i'm working on my exit strategy

i'm also processing a whole host of fears and insecurities and emotions i never expected to have to face

(how the hell am i supposed to just start over?)

[kanamesharisenwrites]

I woke up today to the loveliest set of emails I think I’ve ever had the privilege of receiving

Strangely enough, they were notifications from tumblr? I’ve been pretty absent since the major life changes I explained in this post, and therefore had little reason to anticipate them. But the thing is, they became the deciding factor in a battle I’ve been having with myself over the past few weeks

You see... now that I’ve started my classes now that my work schedule has stabilized now that I’ve realized I’m not too old to slay the dragon that is college algebra now that I’ve know I’m better at time management than I thought

I think... maybe?... I can do all this and finish THE FIC

(if you’ve followed me at all for the past year and a half, you know exactly what the fic is. obviously, it’s the angsty, smutty, kakasaku post-shippuuden AU that i used as a vehicle to bear my soul to the world)

So, yes, I’m going to continuing working on my current kakasaku fics, even though updates will be painfully slow

But, no, I will not be making a full-scale return to fandom. I don’t have it in me at this time to start any new stories, or join any fests/community activities. I’m not even sure I’ll have time to respond to reviews in anything resembling a timely manner - though, as always, I welcome the feedback!

With all that being said, I am proud to announce that home is no longer adopted and is officially off hiatus! antihistamine may also get updates, as inspiration strikes

If this announcement brings you joy, know that you have @ksficrec to thank. Their series of posts about my self-indulgent mess of a fic - two of which I was tagged in - tipped the scales in favor of my kind-of-return to writing

And last, but certainly not least, thank you so much @faerietell​ for being willing to step in when I thought I couldn’t finish. While I’m so happy to be able to finish this story myself, I know you would’ve done an amazing job!

[kanamesharisenwrites]

So... today's the day. In a few hours, I'll be in surgery. Good vibes, prayers, etc are much appreciated

[kanamesharisenwrites]

dear friends and followers,

i am heading into a new, exciting season of my life. i’m transitioning into a new position at work, one with more hours and responsibility. my hubby and i are travelling more, using something we both love to reconnect after years of struggling to communicate. i’ve begun work on original writing projects, something that i never thought i’d have the courage to do. and, last but not least, i’m finally - finally, finally, finally! - heading back to school to earn my teaching degree

my priorities have drastically changed over the past few months, and for the first time in a long time, i’m excited about life. opportunities that i’ve longed for are now within my reach, and i’m going to chase them down with everything i’ve got. but i’ve realized that means i have to let go of some things. things that, though i love them dearly, are a distraction i can’t afford

and so, i’ve decided to step away from fandom

i want to thank everyone who’s been a part of my life here. i love you all and i’ll always treasure the support and encouragement you gave me. i’ll probably be around off and on for the rest of the week getting my stuff in order, so feel free to message me/comment to this post if you’d like to say goodbye (or anything else!)

Again, thank you so much for all the great years! Please wish me luck!

[kanamesharisenwrites]

i had the doctor's appointment on monday. you know, the one where they tell you what's wrong with you after they've poked and prodded and tested you to kingdom come

so...

i have to get a hysterectomy

i've got a sizable cyst on one of my ovaries that's most likely benign but is probably at least partially responsible for my hormones being so out of whack. it's the lesser issue though. my real problem is that i have endometriosis and my uterus is worn out past the point of other options and i

i don't know how to feel about that

a part of me is like good riddance. i'm tired of cramps and fatigue and moods swings and diva cups

but i'm also really scared

i don't want to be out of work for 6-8 weeks, dealing with the pain of recovery while depending on my husband to take care of me. it's so, so difficult for me to be vulnerable like that with him. for the majority of our marriage, he was gripped by PTSD. it made him harsh, critical. unable to deal with the needs or expectations of others. he's never taken care of me. not when I've been sick or injured. not even after our kids were born, even though i delivered all of them by c-section. he's gone through a lot of therapy in recent years and is no longer that cold, emotionally unavailable man. but it still terrifies me, the idea of not being self-sufficient

(god, how do women do this?)

there's a backlog of people waiting for surgeries due to the pandemic, so i have at least until july (maybe august) to sort my feelings out. if anyone actually reads this crazy mess of a post, i'd appreciate any prayers/good vibes sent my way

[kanamesharisenwrites]

the first half of 2021 has been absolutely insane and heartbreaking and wonderful, and i feel like i need to write something down for posterity's sake. so here goes...

the good:

i finished my first semester of college with A's in both of my classes

i got to write a bomb-ass future-self personal exploration paper for my psych101 final that helped me fall in love with writing all over again

my immediate family (hubby, kids, parents) are all safe, healthy, and doing well

the bad:

i lost several influential women in my life, including my grandmother

grief made it impossible to tap into my creativity; just as i seemed to have a system down to balance school, work, and writing, my world was thrown off-kilter

the ugly:

my body decided it was time to embrace perimenopause full force

i'm currently on day 50 of my latest cycle, 43 days of which i was heavily menstruating

i'm anemic, my thyroid has tanked, and i'm exhausted

i waited 3 weeks for my first appointment because literally every healthcare facility i have access to is booked out to eternity

then, of course, i have to travel nearly two hours (one-way) because that's where the closest women's health specialist is

intra-vaginal ultrasounds are the most awkward thing ever

it feels like my diet consists coffee and gummy iron supplements

did i mention i'm fucking exhausted

[kanamesharisenwrites]

It's official! I'm a college student!

I just finished registering for my classes, so come mid-January I'll start working on my degree