The year has arrived and the weeks are passing by. I’ve finally settled in, made my lists and I’m ready to see what the year has in store for me, as I work towards more personal goals.
2018 served its purpose. It allowed me to find my grounding after finishing my Masters. It steadied me in the work place as I went from intern to interim and then permanent employee in 2 different companies. I learnt that my social life was never going to be half as busy as it once had been through my university days. But most importantly, that nobody had my life mapped out for me anymore. The hurdles of high school, driving tests, university, landing a job had all been ticked off - now was my time to carve out my goals and all that I wanted to achieve.
As any year will go, there were ups and downs; people came and left - but ultimately I came out stronger. I fought my battles, communicated my feelings and left with a greater insight.
2019 will see me keeping busier than I’ve ever been. Working upon personal goals as I decide to forego the opinions of others and learn to do what really satisfies my soul. Whether that be jogging in the early hours of the morning, going for random drives, making friends across the globe or taking a long walks along the coast - this year I will do it all.
I honestly wish I had taken this approach a few years back, but I guess there were still things in the pipeline I needed to learn. Here is to a year full of growth, being less self critical, family, honing in on creative skills, developing my professional career, meeting new people, doing new things, looking after my physical health and learning to relax when my body demands of it.
My brush pens may be crying out for me to start a bullet journal, however, my pursuit of perfectionism needs to be conquered first. In the mean time I have compiled a spreadsheet and made a list of both weekly and longer term goals I wish to achieve. This list is by no means exhaustive and I guarantee that December will reach with some things going unattained. This is simply a guideline to keep me in check and ensure I am doing all that I can do to be the best version of myself.
I still remember the first time I saw you. Sat in a corner with your headphones
blasting an unfamiliar genre. I was intrigued by your nature and approached you to ask a few questions. Who you were, where you were from; and why the glint in your eye was fading. The conversation ended as abruptly as it had begun, yet I could not pull myself from you. So we continued to talk. Sacrificing more than we could have ever imagined. Our mornings, afternoons and evenings spent in the presence of one another - sharing all that we possibly could. And of the way you looked at me as I departed, leaving 3927 miles between us. Yet our
conversations continued as I settled down each night to admire your
complexion through video calls and end-less hours of texting. With every
message and call came a flutter of butterflies that sent me into a spell. A bond between us that we hoped would never be broken. And of how when we were back together, did my palm fit so soothingly in yours. Of how you always crossed your right leg over your left, of how you rubbed your left ear when you were nervous and of how your soul was a welcoming home to all I had to offer. It’s been 6 years since I last saw you. 5 years since we last spoke. They tell me I should have moved on - yet I find myself searching for you in every sunrise and sunset. Longing for everything we used to be. You are lost, but will always be dear to my heart.
I have awoken to so many parts of myself that I never knew existed. I have rubbed my eyes haphazardly as I stood staring at my own reflection; for glaring back was a woman I did not recognise. A ghost, a figure, a soul lost upon the realms of this fabricated world - grasping at the fragments of reality that passed by.
Beneath what I own, beyond my achievements and hidden in the folds of cloth are words unspoken, stories buried and a fire that has been ignited one too many times. The wood has dampened in the rain, the sun has yet to rise and in the darkness do I become aware of every emotion I have concealed.
But from the cracks do I surge. From the ashes to I ascend; and from the broken pieces do I build the sacred collection of all that I have come to be. I reach out beyond my remit, challenge, sacrifice and learn. I peek out of the castle I have built and shudder as the cold air injects me with adrenaline. A motivation to be the best of myself, to do as I please; to cease the attempt to conform to societal ways.
I am beautifully broken. Riddled with faults as I strive a path to amend. I have secured a space in the middle of nowhere; and there did I find my peace.
Allow the rage to build like a fire. Allow the emotions to consume and tackle, arrest and bring down your soul.
Then let it go.
Let it pass like the waves upon the shore, like the wind through the trees and the sun as it sets.
Let it be.
Let nothing nor nobody belittle all that you have come to be. In all that you have achieved through all that you have struggled. Do not doubt your ability to create and rise. Not even for a second.
Beyond the rubble of our woes and sorrows will we unearth the greatest treasure. A might so strong that no one dare to shatter it, a longing that revives the motivation and a depth that even the biggest of calamities cannot shake.
For, I promise, there will be days where we lose the power to stand, the ability to comprehend, a loss of love, laughter and feeling. There will be moments when our speech will become a slur of words as they pour out unguarded, unwarranted and unknown.
There will be bouts of loneliness, aches of regret and a hope to change force in our ways. When pattern will drown our creativity, when even the closest of souls cannot remedy the pain.
But do not forget, like the sand piled high in the depths of the ocean, beneath all that has been, is a jewel yet to discovered. A light so precious, so delicate, so renowned. For once you have yourself - you need nothing else.
It was my first day of lectures for my Masters course today; and after we finished the lecturer called my name out as she wanted to have a ‘word’ before I left.
As you can imagine I was going into panic mode wondering what was going on!? As I approached her she reminded me of the scholarship I had applied for a while back at the institute, but had heard nothing from.
She smiled and told me that they had decided to offer me the scholarship!! I burst out into the biggest smile in the world! She congratulated me and honestly... I couldn’t have had a better start to this new chapter in my life!
