#kiespeaks

[kieang]

i deserve it, i guess. the loneliness. serves me right.

[kieang]

also I watched memories of the Alhambra and it was! a ride!! like it was good!!

[kieang]

and then i do not know what to think, all over again. i was just sitting down. i was just checking the time. i was just. living. and your name flashes to life on the screen. 

the first thought isn’t even a thought. it’s the familiar surge of anxiety i didn’t know was named panic in seventh grade. it’s the relief when it released its grip on my heart with its disappearance in ninth grade. it’s the anger of having realized it is thanks to my numbness to it, the absence of that blooming fear, but not the absence of its root, in eleventh grade. it’s the dread of witnessing its return when i thought it to have been vanquished for good, now. how can something as innocent as a ping of a notification freeze me in place? worry worry worry. fear fear fear. panic panic panic. a text? is it a text? from who? not you. please not you. please don’t tell me i’ve done wrong again. please don’t accuse me again. please don’t be angry again. 

the second thought is once again a feeling. confusion? disbelief? a blank faced sob because why couldn’t we just keep the distance? and of course it’s well wishes. of course it’s a hope you’re doing okay. because, you know, pandemic and all. of course it’s a statement and not an inquiry. of course it’s good natured. of course of course of course now the only thing i can call you is a person graciously looking out even for out-of-touch once-friends, who i can’t even accuse of an ulterior motive because clearly you’re not here to strike a conversation, you’re just dropping by to show some support and i hate that i hate that i hate that. i can’t even hate you, and i knew not to hate you, but i sure as hell hated our dynamics and i hated the fact that the world isn’t made from yes or no, this or that, good or bad, black or white, because then i could either say you’re wonderful or horrible but you’re both and so is everyone else in this world but i wish it were different even though if that were the case then life would have no meaning. 

the third thought is that i cannot possibly sit in this state of what am i supposed to do forever, i have to write it all down. 

the fourth thought is oh, that means i’m not the only one who hasn’t deleted any contacts. 

the fifth thought is am i going to reply?

the sixth thought is what would i even say? 

the seventh thought is all i know for certain is that i have forgiven but i will never want to be more than acquaintances. 

the eighth thought is that even acquaintances deserve courtesy. 

the ninth thought is that i am not obligated to answer. 

the tenth thought is i’ve been ignoring all calls and have thus amassed 52 missed calls in my phone’s call log and have no intention of confirming my living status any time soon, and when i was hoping desperately not two hours ago that i’d answer without pause if one specific friend would just hit me up with some nonsensical bullshit in boredom like he used to, i think i really should’ve been more specific about who i was hoping to hear from, because i certainly was not referring to the subject of my distress right now. 

the eleventh thought is i am legitimately too scared to look at my phone’s screen again because that name strikes fear and pain into my heart. 

the twelfth thought is i don’t want to answer because if i get a response then it’ll be this train wreck of a thought process all over again. 

[kieang]

I wonder if half the things I do are actually from my personality and not automatic responses to situations that I've learned lead to the least pain and rejection / will make me seem happier than I actually am. but then again if it's automatic then is that now not part of my personality? are you telling me half my personality is a defense mechanism-