(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOsGx25HvmI)
Sometimes I get asked why is music so important to me? Well, music is my life. Im not over stating, or under stating. Everyone has a story to share. For those close to me and who have been on my journey, you know the road hasn't been easy. Music has been there for me in the darkest of moments. Not a person, just music. Something you can relate to, something you can feel. There are a few artists who I can relate to, who’s music has been on that journey with me. There is one woman though, who completely gets me with every beat and word.
My last relationship ended about three years ago. The same time I lost my dad. That feeling and time is something I NEVER want to feel or be in again. During the healing process, when I finally peeled off the sadness my ex left me with I discovered BANKS. There was only one other female I could relate to musically and that was Amy Whinehouse. But then, here comes BANKS. The first song i heard from her was “Before I Ever Met You.” At this time I some how was on speaking terms with my ex. Strictly platonic, I had no intention of being with him again.
“Before I ever met you I never knew that my heart could love so hard, before I ever met you I never knew I would be enemies without disregard...before I ever met you I never knew I could be broken in so many ways. Everyone knows I’m right about one thing, you are my only vice”
That one song got me hooked. The lyrics, the passion, the anger and hurt were all real and true. You could tell BANKS was speaking from the heart. Her voice is so sultry and sexy, yet so powerful.
Throughout the healing process and this woman I have grown into, I’ve had BANKS there as my support. It took me a little time to make myself available to someone. It was here that I met the last one who messed me up a little too much. No, he wasn't the only guy I spoke to. There were two more, but they were nothing. I guess they were what you would call the “rebound.”
There were times I would think about my ex. We were still in contact. Constant emails about work things. We both work in the music industry. He would always ask me about new music, and what songs he could license and sync. He somehow managed to get a sync license for BANKS track “Waiting Game.”
“What if I never even see you cause we're both on a stage. Don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same. I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game..”
This song was the most powerful one and most personal to me. It still is.
“I wanna lean on your shoulder. I wish I was in love but I don’t want to cause any pain.”
The woman I was growing into met her match with this new guy. I was hesitant to letting this one in. I gave in and gave it a shot. I managed to find him on social media and told him I had a crush on him. I remember exactly how nervous I felt.
“I got this need for you forming in my beating heart. I know the meaning right away, we only yesterday were worlds apart. I think I may love you if you give me sometime, maybe you’ll love me too. I got this thing for you, if you come closer I can whisper in your ear.” - Fall Over
Every time I was around him I wanted to die. The butterflies were unreal.
“You know how I see you, we should be one. Cause I already told you baby. Last time that I tried to sing you this song. I Couldn't get the words out baby..” - Bedroom Wall
This situation didn’t end too well. I can tell you that because of him I am more closed off. It went from all butterflies, to why isn’t he texting me. He was the closest I was to someone since my ex. I don’t let anyone into my inner space. My home, my mind, my body. The on and off inconsistency of texting was too much. You can't make someone see how special or good you are. You can't beg for someones attention. Around the time I cut him off he surfaced with a new girl. I can tell you he was a great lesson, one that I very much so needed.
“But it's all the same. I could have foreseen that you would act like you are... cause every thing’s a game...” - Brain
In that same time frame I found out my ex got into a relationship. I had already started to phase him out of my life, because the girl he dated and knew wasn’t the girl I was anymore. I didn’t need someone to remind of how untainted I was. I didn’t need someone to remind me about how good I was.
“I'm the one who had to learn to build a heart made of armor. From the girl who made you soup and tied your shoes when you were hurting. You are not deserving you are not deserving..” - Drowning
This whole year I’ve been bettering myself. I tried talking to some guys, but they're usually not worth it. People assume I am out, meeting guys and sleeping with them. Im too busy working. I like my quiet time. I don't take guys seriously. I do have my moments when I look at guys and think “damn, I wanna smash.”
I hadn’t been intimate with anyone in over a year, up until two months ago. Intimacy as in someone to speak to, someone you're physical with. I won’t discuss it here today because it’s still rather fresh. I can tell you though that I am not so mad about it. I’ve learned from my past experiences with these guys that I am worth it. You can’t lose sight of yourself. So at the end of the day, its his loss. I don't ask for much. I don’t care about seeing you. Respect me, and keep in touch. Don’t treat me like a queen then disappear. I can tell you that I have completly given up on guys.
I got my little crushes though. Eye candy is better than no candy.
Here I am in this new era that I am in as a woman. Here we have BANKS with a new release. The emotion and the feeling of “Better” resonates so well with me. The video is so raw and vivid. I can feel that emotion.
“You hide in a hole, hole, hole, hole, hole. And why don’t you see? Yeah, baby try, try to see. Yeah, try.. I can love you better than she can...”
I know that I can, if I get the right guy. Being single for three years and all these lessons. I know my next one when the time is right, I will love you better than the last. I’m happy with me. I just want some one to share that with me and grow with me.
Thank you BANKS, for the music that you make. I can always throw on your record when I’m feeling a type of way. I have someone in my corner.
My readers, please enjoy the video .
You can catch BANKS in NYC next week with The Weeknd
11/16: New York, NY @ Madison Square Garden
11/18: Brooklyn, NY @ Barclays Center
