today.
Today a new journey begins. A journey to the peace of mind I lost so long ago. As I sit here in my bed, at home once again I am taking the time to reflect on my past, my present, and what I want for my future.
Five years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Ever since then, and sometime before, I have battled with my mind... the unwanted panic attacks, sleepless nights, and the guilt of letting everyone down. I somehow made it through high school even after many absences, missed assignments, failed tests, a suicide attempt, and months in a mental health program. After a semester off, I began community college.. and with the support of my family, my psychiatrist, and my therapist I was able to graduate with a 3.9. When I made it into Rutgers, I was so proud of myself, but the first day I got there I was immediately overwhelmed. Living with three strangers, attending large and challenging classes, eating alone, and using alcohol to cope with it all I slowly began to fall apart. I tried to get help, but help didn’t come soon enough. I suffered a severe panic attack after drinking before class and found myself in the hospital. I blew it I thought. I made it so far in my fight, but I cracked under pressure. I felt like such a failure. I went home, took a bunch of Xanax and drank a bottle of wine. It helped for a short period of time like it had always done in the past, but when I woke up the next morning, the pain was still there, and I knew things had to change. I had to keep fighting.
Today was my first day in another mental health program. Although this is a giant step back, I am ready to run thousands of steps forward. I deserve to be happy; I deserve peace. School, parties, and independent living can wait, but I cannot. Although I can’t help but feel disappointed, I am also proud of myself for making the right decision.
If you are struggling with mental illness, it is important that you always put your health first. Sure you may let some people down, and it’s never fun asking for help, but your wellbeing is always more important than anyone's expectations. There is no cure for depression and anxiety, but there is always hope. Mental illness comes with many hurdles and roadblocks, but they won’t kill you. Giving up and not getting help just might. If you are worried that taking time off from school, work, or just life in general will hurt your future I promise you it won’t. You wouldn’t expect a runner to run a race with a broken leg, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to reach your full potential with faulty neurotransmitters. Get help, and you will have a bright future, and never be ashamed.
