#kinkysiren

[kinkysirenmacabre]

I call this greengasm. You're welcome

[kinkysirenmacabre]

Finally, it's November. Chilly, frosty, gloomy and misty month. The month I feel most comfortable and safe in. When I can go for a stroll, hiding in a fog, feel the freshly rained-on streets, cold wind blowing against my face like a crushing wave. I stand in the street or in the forest, just listening to the sounds of this month, the rain, the wind, the crispy grass, frosty sun and wetness on fingers after touching cold windows.

And when I come home from work, I go to bed, followed by my cat, we curl up together and I read, sometimes out loud, sometimes I cry, sometimes I have an anxiety attack, sometimes I just sing songs in different languages and sometimes I only wish for death. But I always feel safe, always feel like November is there for me, November has my back whatever happens, November is always there to take me into the icy hands of autumn and winter together and take me home.

[kinkysirenmacabre]

Years ago I was bullied at primary school.

Dressed in clothes I didn't like but was forced to wear I walked from classroom to classroom, collecting books nobody wanted, taking care of them, reading them. I tried to tell everyone what they're missing, Aztec gods, Irish fairies, spirits and practices of First Nations and Inuits, Slavic dragons. They don't know that with thunder and storm, Thor is working hard with his dwarf-made hammer, they didn't know, you should leave pieces of bread or a cake in a corner of your home for Domovoj and his wife Kikimora. They didn't know and didn't even want to know about the past that made nations, that created and still creates reality for many. I was bullied for believing in things, practices and faith they didn't dare to read about.

Years ago I was bullied at secondary grammar school.

Dressed in clothes I love, as dark as night, I walked from classroom to classroom, sharing knowledge about history, culture, art, deities and practices, herbs and magic. I was called delusional, filthy and crazy heathen, lunatic.

Years later I am walking from classroom to classroom, teaching about everything I was bullied for and so much more. I am bullied no more. I am drawn next to dragons, or being in the forest with animals, I am hanging Mabon wreaths and talking about Odin.

I am singing old songs about those who Christians and those in power wanted us to forget, erase and leave for ever. And I am keeping them alive along with many others.

[kinkysirenmacabre]

I don't know about you all, but the obsession with creating a perfect autumn aesthetic photo just to enjoy the magic of it instead of doing actual things doesn't really do it for me. I do love autumn and I enjoy looking at pictures of leaves or a mug of coffee next to a pile of books. However, the amount of it everywhere kind of makes me want to unfollow all hashtags related to autumn.

Don't people do anything else just that? Waiting for rain to go for a walk, take a pic and write a deep post? For half an hour trying to set candles, coffee and books they hardly ever read? Cooking soups they don't even eat?

On the other hand, it's Internet... we don't scroll through pictures to see reality, but rather something stimulating, entertaining, something that would help us believe in things.

I wish to see more diverse realness and authenticity. What is autumn like today for you? How do you feel? We all know leaves and coffee shops and a certain autumn wardrobe, but how do you percieve that? What does it mean for you? What is autumn for you this year?

For me it's going out with my close ones, sit outside, chat about theatre, fun facts, astrology, work, sex, history. Then go home, fuck till I pass out with my partner while it gets colder and wind blows. Wake up, wrap a blanket around me and watch crispy-cold sunrise while my partner makes coffee. Then fuck again, talk about stupid shit, be quiet and sip coffee, laugh at memes. That's what is autumn like for me this year. Connection, wind, coffee, long calming nights and understanding.

[kinkysirenmacabre]

Uhh, one can be so damn pissed, disappointed and angry with oneself, just because one treated the others the best and most loving way possible and you get like 15% of it in return and you should be thankful for that.

Bitch, I am done. I am fucking done with giving my fragile, damaged, shattered loving self that is trying to heal so I can be a better person for people around, to people who treats me nothing like I really deserve. Why is this so hard, why the fuck is this shit to treat the others like you want to be treated so hard? Seriously... fuck.

I am hurt. Like really, I am devastated. It's not that I would be really mad at those people, they do them, but, sheit, I am furious because I was stupid enough to let them close, to let them see what I was protecting not to get it destroyed again, and that was myself. And here we go fucking again.

Honestly, fuck you all, I am moving to the woods with my cat. I am gonna befriend all the animals there, worship the old gods as I am used to and die in peace.

Period.

Bye.

[kinkysirenmacabre]

It's January 28th... and I see people with fresh faces and almost endless-looking energy selves facing 2023, with their plans, decisions, goals and desires...

And I am still tired. As I was last year, and years before. The exhaustion of trying to navigate myself in a society that is so alienating and purposely deaf and blind to what's really important and what really matters is taking lots of my will to even try to pretend I care they celebrated new year.

I am trying to keep my small habits and my peace, but at work it's impossible, everywhere there are triggers and I turn into an annoyed dragon. Despite that, I am trying to be gentle.. I think we all need gallons of gentleness, tons of good old freedom and sprinkle of gothic view of the world which acknowledges oneself as they are.

[kinkysirenmacabre]

Recently a few well-known people who were in different industries die£ and then there is one of the stupidest trends ever, "shocking" people with a deat£ of somebody famous that from the tiktok platform, which I don't have, stormed to Instagram too.

Why are people doing this? Why are they so "shocked" by famous people's deat£s. Fucking people aren't so shocked by so many innocent people ki£%ed every day by governments, oppr3ssors, abuse4s, people starved in the streets, in shelters. Why isn't that a "trend"? And now everybody is posting shit and stories how this famous person or that passed away.

What the actual fuck?

What's so monumental about that? Yes, they did a great job in a certain area, but why do have to make a big deal out of the fact that somebody's time is up just because they were famous and well-known. It's truly hypocritical and sad.

..we d3e, rich too, famous people too, innocent too, poor too, everybody does. That's what we do. We are born, we live, we di3, and there we go again.

[kinkysirenmacabre]

I haven't posted in a long time... I couldn't. I feel trapped, frustrated, lost and at the same time I am trying to somehow hang in there.

I feel like a fairy whose light is slowly fading and I can barely breathe.

There is too much going on, world horrors from each direction, tragedies and hatred in my country, tons of work, arrogance and selfish attitude of people around and honestly, therapy has been a pain in the ass recently (though it has to be done, otherwise I won't be able to move on) and I lack support, warmth and acceptance and explanation of human behaviour.

And with all of this going, I just cannot continue on a mechanical mode anymore. I lack stimulation, comfort, safety and protection of bounsaries.

I am autistic.. and despite I look "tough" as people say, I am very fragile and sensitive, and for me, this world is exhausting... and I don't know how to keep myself going on anymore.

I am putting here this picture, I don't know the owner, unfortunately, if you do, please, tag them here. It's such a soothing and warm picture, full of gentleness, kindness, care and softness. That's what I love about it and that's why it calms me down. Hope it helps somebody who is struggling here too.

Fellow strugglers, you're not alone.