WingSongHalo and Jacknerdieth Present: A Collaborative Spork of "Kirasari's Legacy: The Elementress"
Hey all! So forever ago a reader of my Worst Avatar Fanfiction Of All Time series and fellow sporker jacknerdieth contacted me about doing a collaborative sporking of a fanfiction. I was hesitant because, like many people who use snark as a weapon, I work alone. But I think we managed to make it work. :) Since there's two of us, it kind of reads like a MST-type thing. Pretty hilarious if that's your bag.
I didn't post this for a long time, though, because I'm a jerk.
So without further ado...please enjoy a sporking of this little gem... http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9556401/1/Kirasari-s-Legacy-The-Elementress ...beneath the cut.
INTRO [drumroll]
WingSongHalo: Hello people. This is WingSongHalo-- Jacknerdieth: HEYO! WSH: And that is Jacknerdieth, and we have a very special fic sporking in store for you today. JN: Indeed! This Review will be a.. um… What's a clever name for team review? WSH: I dunno I kinda like Team Review. It feels inclusive. I feel like I belong. Anyway, there are a couple ways to tell whose comments you’re viewing. If we’re adding to the story, meaning you’re to read the addition as part of the sentence, my additions will be in curly brackets, while Jack’s will be in square brackets. JN: And for telling our regular comments apart, we have our initials as you have likely already noticed. Unless you’re stupid. In which case, leave. WSH: Or maybe you’re just blind. Wait, how did you find this post??? Oh, never mind that. Let’s get this show on the road! Or, y’know, whatever the internet approximation of a road is. JN: A line of code? WSH: Let’s go with that.
Chapter 1: Spirit touched {WSH: Spirit touched what, exactly? Bad feeling already.}
A mother cried out into the night sky as the lightning crashed overhead. A baby's cry could be heard ringing into the night as it entered into the world. General Katsu ran into the room to see his Water-tribe wife holding their newborn child. "Say hello to your new daughter Katsu," Shila {WSH: What kind of a name is that?} [JN: Yeah, is she trying to name a dog?] {WSH: That’s Shiloh.} told her husband with a tired look in her blue eyes. Katsu's amber eyes glowed with pride as he carefully removed his daughter from his tired wife {WSH: Wait, do you mean he literally removed her from her?? He delivered the baby??} [JN: Don’t you know? In the avatar universe, Babies are superglued onto their mother until the father thinks that the baby is ripe.] and sat beside her.
"She's perfect [JN: Didn’t see that coming.], just like her mother," he murmured softly as Shila leaned into him with a soft smile on her face. The baby yawned and opened up her eyes, revealing two violet eyes. {WSH: Oh gag.} Katsu's amber eyes widened as he took in her violet eyes and he looked over to Shila, "She has been touched by the spirits. Kirasari daughter of Katsu and Shila," {WSH: Is that phrase supposed to mean something to me?} he stated and watched as Shila smiled in approval of the name.
Their peaceful silence was broken by the sounds of running feet and the door opened to reveal their two excited sons, Kazuki and Masaru. {WSH: These names all sound awfully similar.} Their amber eyes widened [JN: Is it illegal to have anything but “amber eyes” In the fire nation?] {WSH: If so, somebody better inform Mai and Ty Lee that they are in violation of their laws.} as they saw the small bundle in their father's arms. Nine year old Kazuki stepped forward and smiled at his little sister as she took hold of his finger curiously. Masaru, emboldened by Kazuki's first move, stepped forward as well to view the violet eyes of his little sister.
The three year old looked up at his parents in confusion as he saw her violet eyes. "Who's she daddy?" he asked quizzically. {WSH: Yeah, who’s this tiny crying bitch?} Katsu smiled and gently handed Kirasari to Kazuki before kneeling in front of the little boy. "She's your sister Kirasari," he explained while Shila watched Kazuki and the baby. Masaru scrunched up his nose in confusion, "Why does she have purple eyes?" {WSH: Good question.} "Because she has been touched by the spirits [JN: Tell me on the bear where the spirit touched you.]," he calmly explained to the 2 year old.
Masaru looked up at his mother then at his sister, "Mommy spirit touch too?" {WSH: Nope. Just touched in the head.} he asked noting her blue eyes and darker skin tone. Katsu laughed, "No, you're mother is from the Water-tribe," {WSH: And “you’re” grammar is atrocious.} his amber eyes locked on his mocha skinned wife.
Six years later {WSH: That’s a really fucking random place for a timeskip} [JN:It’s better than “Water”. Get it? Like the fanfiction I review? Oh yeah, nobody knows who I am.]
Admiral Katsu [JN: Aww! Is he like a little cat lawyer?] stood with Prince Ozai, both discussing the war as they surveyed the gardens. {Their manly, warlike gardens.} Katsu's amber eyes caught sight of Kirasari walking towards the lake and calmly laying back to cloud gaze. Azula walked by and stopped to say something to his daughter before walking into the palace with a devilish glint in her amber eyes.
A loud yell erupted from the courtyard followed by an extremely mad Masaru who came running into the garden. The nine year old's amber eyes {WSH: Okay, we get that they’re fucking amber.} locked on Kirasari and he launched himself at her with an angry yell. Startled, Kirasari jumped up and barely missed becoming squashed by her brother.
"What's wrong Saru?" she asked innocently as she tried to figure out why he was attacking her. Her eyes widened [JN: Don’t you mean violet eyes?] as he sent a fireball at her and she dived to the side, before jumping up and running towards the palace.
Masaru was quicker though and quickly overtook his sister, cutting off her escape route. "Are you too scared to own up now Sari? Gonna run to Kazuki for protection like usual?" {WSH: Kazuki is always distributing free condoms and diaphragms.} he taunted before stepping towards her threateningly. "I'm confused, what did I do wrong Saru? Why are you being a bully," she asked while taking defensive steps [JN: Is that like wearing shields for shoes?] {WSH: I like to think it's more like holding up your hands while you walk and saying "Whoa whoa whoa" the whole time.} backwards and glancing around for something to help her. "Don't give me your innocent act. You know what you did and you have to own up," he ordered menacingly.
Kirasari moved quickly and ducked [JN: Quack.] underneath another fireball before kicking Masaru's legs out from under him and running for the palace entrance. Just making the threshold before being knocked to the ground by her fuming brother. Her violet eyes widened {WSH: My I-don’t-know-what-color-they-are eyes rolled.} in panic as she pleaded for him to leave her alone while struggling against his hold. She headbutted him and rolled out from under him while rubbing her throbbing head. [JN: Wait, so she was rubbing her head and headbutting him at the same time?] {WSH: That takes some serious skill.}
She jumped back to avoid getting hit by his angry fire [JN: “GRR, I’M FIRE!”] and tumbled into the water. Masaru laughed cruelly {WSH: These people are awful.} while watching his sister sputter out water and glare murderously at him. Hearing his laughter only spurred her anger more and before he knew it green flames were shooting towards his head. {WSH: Why are they green?? Did she have too much cabbage or something??} He ducked in the nick of time before glaring at his little sister who seemed baffled and was examining her hands quizzically. {WSH: “Durr, did I always have these?”} [JN: “No, silly girl. We sewed them on when you weren’t looking.”]
He shot a fireball at her to get even and she threw her hands out to protect herself [JN: Yeah! I’m sure your hands will save you!] while closing her eyes tightly. When she opened her eyes after not feeling the familiar burning sensation [from the countless times she’d been burned for miscellaneous reasons], she saw her brother suspended ten feet in the air by ice. Kirasari gaped at her brother in confusion as Kazuki came running towards them with a maid {held aloft over his head. The maid was crying out in alarm and flailing wildly}.
"What did you do?" Masaru asked as he looked down at his sister from his frozen prison. Her eyes widened, "You mean I did that?" she asked and began examining her hands before being joined by their older brother. Kazuki looked at his little sister before kneeling down in front of her, "Yes, Kirasari. Now I need you to bring our brother back down again. Can you do that?" he instructed his 6 year sister calmly. {WSH: Six-year sister? Does that mean her contract with you runs out after this year, and that afterward, she will no longer be your sister?} [JN: “I love you so much family! We’ll be together forever!” “Sorry honey. six years are up.” “But I-” “Get in the van.”]
Kirasari looked into her brother's amber eyes {WSH: Jack, I’m thinking we need to start a tally for how many times eye color is unnecessarily mentioned.} [JN: I agree.] {WSH: I just counted. We’re at 12 so far. Each character is allowed to have their eye color mentioned once per chapter before it is considered “excessive.”} before looking back at the audience that had formed at the palace entrance. She gazed up at the icy prison [JN: I bet that’s where criminals who commit crimes against iced drinks go.] and swung her arms in a half circle melting the ice and dropping her brother to the ground in a soaking heap.
The maid looked dumbfounded but hurriedly wrapped Masaru into a towel and carried him inside. Kazuki looked down at his little sister with a carefully guarded mask {WSH: I’m just imagining him wearing Majora’s Mask now.} [JN: Now THAT would be a good fanfiction.] before pulling her back to her feet up out of the water and into his arms. As he walked towards the palace entrance, he caught his father's guarded look and Ozai's calculating eyes on Kirasari before they switched to him with a smirk. Princess Azula stood at his side with an awestruck look on her face.
Kazuki heated his sister up and worked to make her stop crying. "I'm a freak Kazu," {WSH: Yes you are.} she cried as she clung to her 15 year old brother desperately. He set his sister down and knelt in front of her, slowly wiping away her tears "No Sari, you're not a freak. [You’re just VERY special. In the head.] You are a specially gifted girl who I have the pleasure of calling my little sister," {WSH: Ew, big brothers aren’t supposed to be that nice and supportive until you’re both adults or unless he's at least 7 years older than you. Take it from someone who knows.} he comforted her. She wrapped her arms around him, "Daddy hates me now, doesn't he?" [JN: “Yes, you little bastard.”] she asked quietly as he hoisted her up into his arms again. Kazuki paused and looked into her violet eyes {WSH: 13.} solemnly, "No Sari. Father still loves you and he always will," he stated as he looked back at his father and walked off to find their mother.
Could this be the Avatar? {WSH: Dear lord I hope not.}
This is my first avatar fan fiction so I hope you enjoy it {WSH: Oh we will. Just not for the reasons you’d like us to.}
please feel free to let me know what you think {WSH: You betcha. If you’re sure you want to know.}
stay tuned for the next chapter [JN: Oh, we will. We will. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!]
-----------------
Let us know what you think! And if you have a bad fanfiction you'd like me to spork or do an audio reading of, please let me know. I'd really love suggestions C: