The Pierrot & The Hairdresser
Pairing : Kisaki Tetta / Sendo Atsushi (Akkun)
Rating : T
Words : 4366
AO3 : Here
P&H Chapter 9: High Strung
10 years later...
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“Burning the midnight oil, huh, boss?”
Flexing his hand, Kisaki popped the joints of his fingers, dropping his pen onto the table in the process. He had been almost done with reviewing this report, and yet, he had been disturbed. He would have to refocus his mind to begin grinding away again, rereading the last few pages of what he had already gone over just to make sure it all made sense before passing it on to the client.
Looking up at the man who had disturbed him, Kisaki narrowed his eyes, scowling, as he picked up his pen again. He was sure he had locked his office doors before setting down to work on this damn thing, but locks meant nothing to his dear business partner. Looks like he’d have to get the whole office rekeyed to prevent things like this happening so quickly in the future.
Again.
“Go home, Hanma.” Kisaki’s voice was terse, his frustration and exhaustion apparent. All he wanted to do was finish this damn thing so he could go home. The whole office knew that, and had been given permission to sign out for the day without checking in with him first.
Hanma just assumed he had special responsibilities or clearances that allowed him to do whatever the hell he wanted. Which wasn’t entirely untrue. Kisaki just wished Hanma would listen once when he corrected him.
Hanma waved him off, churlish grin that exposed his teeth plastered across his face. He settled himself in the plush chair across from Kisaki’s desk, leaning back with his legs crossed, making himself so comfortable to bother Kisaki for the next few minutes.
“Come on, Tetta. Don’t be like that. Let’s go get some drinks, you can finish that tomorrow.”
“No.” Kisaki returned his gaze towards his paperwork, flipping back to the page he needed to review for a second time, turning his head in a way that let Hanma know he was no longer being listened to. As if Kisaki put much stock in his words before.
“You’re so boring,” Hanma whined, his head lolling back as he pouted. “I swear, you need to get yourself laid. Learn to live a little. You can’t be a work-a-holic and actually enjoy life.”
Kisaki’s brows furrowed in frustration, not appreciating such language in his office.
“We are not the same,” Kisaki stated, underlining each word he read with the tip of his pen. “Not all of us need to gather some grand satisfaction from life by sleeping around with anyone who will open his legs.”
“No need to be so bitter, Tetta. We can find you something cute. Didn’t you like that blonde from a few months ago?” Hanma teased, his voice grinding on Kisaki’s ears as he tried to focus.
“No.” Kisaki looked up, angry frown pulling his lips into a downward arch. Hanma continued to grin at him, grinding his gears until there was barely any friction left to stop them from spinning out of control. “He was annoying and whiny. Truly only good for one thing.”
Kisaki rolled his eyes as Hanma laughed, fully amused by Kisaki’s sporadic and tragically eventful failures at love. Kisaki isn’t sure why he agreed to dates that were set up by Hanma when he knew that the only kind of men Hanma surrounded himself with were shallow, airheaded, and absolutely and completely vapid.
But as he said.
“Only good for one thing, huh?” Hanma chuckled, wiping a fake tear from beneath his glasses. “Well, Tetta, what are you looking for then? I’m sure I can find someone a bit more suited to your standards.”
Kisaki shook his head, diverting his gaze from Hanma again. The words on his document started to swim, no longer making any type of coherent sense. He sighed, placing the pen on his desk and closing the report, face covered with his hands, and fingers rubbing at his sore eyelids.
“Lets start with hair color…blonde doesn’t seem to be it. Black maybe? Brown?” Hanma counted off on his fingers, as if listing off colors was the same as addition. “Oh, I know. Red?”
Kisaki sighed, feeling the back of his neck begging to burn at the pointied, specific question.
“No.”
An answer so definitive, Hanma almost believed him.
“No?”
“No. Now go home. I’m leaving.”
Pushing away his rolling desk chair, Kisaki strode to the back of his office where his coat hung on a hook, hiding his keys within the pockets. He heard Hanma start to rouse behind him, following him, not speaking another word until they had both donned their coats, and were alone in the elevator down to the parking garage. The office was empty, everyone having already left from their jobs for the evening. Kisaki looked around, observed the dark interior of their office, before arming the security system and stepping into the elevator.
Hanma pressed the button to go downstairs, swiping a keycard to get the thing moving. Kisaki could practically feel the question burning inside of Hanma, so he did not even look at him, in a hope to avoid engagement. But that was much too simple of a diversion tactic to work on someone like Hanma.
“I bet I could find him for you again, you know. Your pretty little boyfriend.”
Feeling the hairs stand on the back of his neck, Kisaki grimaced, observing his own deformed reflection in the metallic walls of the elevator. He inhaled deeply through his nose, letting his lungs fill with air until the buttons of his shirt felt too tight, before exhaling, all of the breath in his body hissing out between his teeth as he tried to show as little response as possible.
“Do you always have to bring that up?”
Hanma laughed at his discomfort, knowing how much Kisaki hated to think about that.
The elevator door pinged, opening up to the parking garage. Kisaki hit the lock button on his keys, the horn honking twice as he approached his car, Hanma still following him too closely for his comfort.
“Hey, boss, I’m just here to make sure you get everything you want out of life, right?” Hanma leaned on the trunk of his car, not even caring any longer that Kisaki was not responding to him. “Whatever you want, so your perfect little reputation doesn’t get tarnished. Loose men, drugs, alcohol. Little redheads named, Atsumu…”
“Atsushi.” Kisaki responded curtly, his teeth grinding together as he opened the driver’s door. Hanma stepped away as he sat down and turned the vehicle on, the revving engine echoing in the cement of the parking garage.
Hanma held his hands up in surrender as Kisaki slammed the door, his last words slipping through before the radio and engine drowned him out. “Right right, I knew you would remember, Tetta.”
Speeding out of the garage, only slightly careful to not commit manslaughter this evening by not running over Hanma, Kisaki headed towards home. . Even if every fiber of his being told him to floor it when Hanma walked in front of his car to reach his own. He switched the radio station that he had been listening to on his way to work off, old men blathering about the economy and politics not really doing it for him as he tried to silence his mind.
But that was impossible.
He drowned himself in work for a reason.
It was the only way to forget.
But even then, Hanma seemed dead set on getting under his skin. Reminding Kisaki of him at every chance he could.
It was almost as if Hanma knew something he did not. His wicked, evil grins let Kisaki know that he had a secret, one he would share… if only Kisaki asked.
But Kisaki would never ask.
He didn’t want to know. He was fine. He was fine just like this.
Skidding to a stop in his designated parking place, Kisaki undid his seatbelt before taking a deep breath, clearing his lungs of the negativity that was threatening to overcome his mind yet again. Deep breathing, just like his secretary had instructed him to do when he was being a bit too “high strung” in the office. She said it helped him, and he was able to be a bit “nicer” to the employees.
Sometimes Kisaki just wondered if high strung was just another term for “I don’t do my job well enough so my boss gets mad at me, so I want to blame it on him instead.” At least, that was partially true. He wouldn’t be so tense at work if people just did what they were supposed to.
But, the deep breathing thing worked. At least part of the time. It helped calm himself down when the bad thoughts were knocking. At least…part of the time.
But not this time. There was just something about Hanma’s pestering that had gotten under his skin that night. Maybe it was because he was already exhausted and tense from reviewing the report that he had left half done, sitting on his desk. That itself would be a thorn in his side all evening as he fretted over it not being complete….
That small task didn’t even measure up to the mountain of stress Hanma had dumped on his plate by bringing him up again, though.
Him.
Atsushi.
The one who still invaded his dreams at night even though the mere mention of him made Kisaki’s skin crawl.
Entering his apartment, Kisaki observed the quiet, dark room that spread out before him. Lavish. Plush. Everything that he had worked so hard for.
But…for what purpose?
A giant flat screen TV that he barely used. A fluffy, comfy sofa that sat five but only ever held him. He never brought his “dates” back to his own house to protect himself and his privacy from the low life moochers Hanma liked to drop on his doorstep. A professional kitchen that only saw a lick of use because Kisaki barely ate at home, and when he did, it was a premade muffin or pastry from the bakery near his office with his morning coffee.
All useless. All for him.
What a waste of a life.
Loosening his tie, Kisaki stepped out of his shoes, striding off to his home office, right to the liquor cabinet that sat parallel to his desk. A few cubes of ice from the fridge, and a generous pour of scotch, and Kisaki found himself reclining on the couch built for more than him, eyes closed, face heavy with disappointment and regret.
Sometimes, he wonders in highsight if this was really all worth it.
But then he mentally slaps himself for even asking such a thing because yes. This was exactly what he wanted.
By all measures, he was a success. He owned his own company. He had enough money to keep him alive until he was old and rotten and gray. He had cars, and people coming to his side when he merely snapped.
This…this was exactly what he wanted. It was exactly what he had asked for.
Yet it felt so empty.
Tonight, it felt emptier than normal, because Hanma had just sent his mind into a spiral once again.
Atsushi. Kisaki thought about him more than he should.
It had been a while since he saw him in person. Ten years? Maybe. At least getting close to it. Atsushi would be turning 29 soon, if the calendar on the wall was anything to go by. Maybe Atsushi’s birthday had already passed, and he had forgotten to change the calendar from November to December. Maybe it was creeping up on his own birthday.
Too bad the one thing he wanted was out of his reach.
Kisaki sighed, reveling in the sound of the lack of anything, the faint ticking of his own watch pairing with the sound of ice on glass as he worked through his drink. He wondered, in the way one wonders when they want to mentally scar themselves further, what Atsushi might be doing on a night like tonight.
Once, a year after he had graduated from graduate school and established his own company, Kisaki had found himself in the woes of another Hanma related relationship. All of the boys Hanma kept trying to set him up with just…didn’t fit, and didn’t feel right. And each one felt more empty and hollow than the last.
That’s when Hanma said it for the first time.
“What about Atsushi?”
“What about him?”Kisaki had asked, his tone cruel and mean and nothing like Atsushi actually deserved. Kisaki had just done his best to avoid thinking about him. He had done his best to avoid missing him.
After all, Atsushi had broken his heart. Kisaki still did not understand why. What could he have done so wrong that necessitated Atsushi treating him the way he did towards the end? How could Atsushi leave him in the dark for so long?
Maybe he could have done something to fix whatever it was that was wrong.
Maybe…Atsushi thought that whatever was wrong couldn’t be fixed.
Kisaki still remembered the day that Atsushi told him he was returning to Tokyo. He had been upset, yes, but he hadn’t realized that this was Atsushi’s way of ending things with him. He just assumed Atsushi was homesick…or that he missed his friends. Not that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him anymore.
It was around his birthday that it finally sunk in that things might actually be over with Atsushi. His grades suffered at the beginning of that semester as he mulled over their entire relationship, wondering when things had changed. He couldn’t focus on anything besides losing Atsushi, and everything began to break down around him.
Atsushi…his first relationship. His first love. He had a hard time wrapping his head around that then, and he knows it must have disappointed Atsushi when he didn’t return the sentiment verbally when they were together. But hindsight…well, everyone knows what they say about that. He didn’t understand how deep his feelings for Atsushi ran until he lost him.
Atsushi was also always so comfortable with himself. He was the reason that Kisaki realized he may be interested in other men as opposed to women… and the reason he could never find himself satisfied when he went on dates with women after him. Kisaki had gone on a date or two in college with a couple of female classmates, but Kisaki always found himself comparing them to Atsushi.
He was more attractive. He had nicer hair and a nicer smile. His jokes were funnier, and he wasn’t as shy and timid.
Kisaki missed him, so he ultimately decided that…things weren’t right for them then.
So he spent the next few years of his life focusing on making that fact change. He got his first degree. And then his second. He opened up his own company and made it powerful. He built a life that could provide Atsushi with everything he wanted, even starting his business in their home city of Tokyo so that Atsushi would always be close to his friends and family.
And yet…when Kisaki finally felt confident enough to reach out to him… He discovered it was much too late. Social media tells a person’s life in pictures, and Atsushi’s social media was unlocked and available for him to see.
He wasn’t single. And he was happy.
Kisaki had stared at the pictures for hours, trying to wrap his head around what he saw.
It didn’t last forever though, but by the time Atsushi and his boyfriend broke up, Kisaki’s confidence had waned, and he realized.
He still wasn’t what Atsushi wanted.
The man in the pictures was taller and broader and more handsome than him. He made Atsushi smile so brightly. He had done things for Atsushi that Kisaki was never able to…he was sure… and Kisaki stopped looking.
He did not go to view Atsushi’s social media any longer, but it couldn’t get his brain to stop thinking.
Just like tonight.
Kisaki finished his drink, sitting it on the ground beside him. Removing his glasses, he covered his eyes with his arm.
Where was Atsushi?
What was he doing?
Was he happy?
Kisaki wanted to know. But he didn’t know how to find the answer.
Rolling now onto his side, Kisaki pillowed his head against his arm, allowing sleep to take him on the couch.
He just wanted to be numb to it all.
To go through the rest of his life without worrying about anything. Not Atsushi. Not relationships.
He would go to work, come home, and repeat until he died.
The numbness made getting up to go to work in the morning easy, even if his bones ached and his head hurt from sleeping on the couch. He woke up early, probably due to the discomfort, and arrived to work early, finishing the report before Hanma or his secretary even arrived. By 10 am, he had finished everything he needed to do by 1 pm, and Hanma insisted he take a break before the gears inside of his brain broke.
“Get some coffee. This place is far enough away that you can take a nice little drive and by the time you get back, you’ll be feeling refreshed!” Hanma pressed a gift card into his hand for an unclear amount, but Kisaki shrugged, pulling his winter coat over his suit. It wasn’t a bad idea, but he wouldn’t admit that to Hanma.
Driving through the city at this hour wasn’t terrible, though the drive took him into a more quiet and residential area of the city than he was used to perusing. Kisaki wondered what took Hanma to this part of town often enough that he would enjoy the place so much that he would actually buy Kisaki a gift card from there.
Kisaki dismissed the thought, finding a place down the street to park. It was a quiet part of town. Businesses and cars lined the street, though very few people seemed to actually be around. It was a bit more lively, and much more warm inside the cafe, with the polite chatter of the clients merging with the piano music playing over the speakers creating a pleasant din. It was calm. Peaceful.
Perusing the menu, Kisaki quickly made a decision so other clientele could order. The clerk handed him the pastry he ordered, and Kisaki stepped to the side, checking his phone for any missed messages from the office while he waited for his drink. A pair of people stepped up to the counter behind him, and Kisaki almost dropped his phone, swearing he had just seen a ghost.
Standing in the waiting area, croissant slipped into the pocket of his winter coat, Kisaki’s breath caught in his throat. He paused in the process of putting on his gloves once more, and he wondered if smoke was coming out of his brain as it tried to process what he was seeing.
Atsushi. There, at the counter. A soft smile on his face as he conversed with the barista, his face so joyful and happy as he laughed at whatever the barista had just said to him. He paid for his order in cash, laughing again as the barista said that she didn’t need his name. She knew who he was.
Atsushi’s cheeks were flushed pink from the cold, and he greeted the baker behind the counter with a wave while he stuffed his change back into his wallet. He didn’t notice Kisaki there at first, standing against the wall near one of the taller tables, preferring to converse with the young woman at his side while they waited.
Kisaki couldn’t help but notice how good he looked….Older surely, but he knew he did too. But still young and beautiful and vibrant, exactly like Tetta remembered him. His hair he styled into a loose pompadour, a style that always suited Atsushi, but Kisaki knew he didn’t appreciate it at the time. He was also a bit taller…just slightly, and his shoulders had filled out in a way that let Kisaki know that this was not the same old boy he knew back then.
No, Atsushi had grown into a handsome young man. One that still took Kisaki’s breath away, and made him feel like an absolutely weak and powerless fool.
Kisaki dipped his head down, considering just leaving without the coffee, before his name was called and the world stopped spinning for a moment. Kisaki looked up, knowing that he had finally been noticed. Atsushi stood there, mouth agape in shock and surprise, the normal bright and beautiful look on his face replaced with something akin to confusion, but only a few steps away from disgust.
Kisaki steadied his shoulders as he walked forward, awkwardly accepting the coffee from the clerk, before turning away to attempt to make his escape. He hoped…prayed, even if he didn’t believe in god and found the whole notion of praying and everything that came with it quite a scam… that Atsushi wouldn’t knock out of his shock quickly enough to say anything to him.
But of course, neither of them were that lucky. Atsushi recovered, and stopped him with an arm to his bicep, his fingers digging into the fabric of his outer coat so tightly that Kisaki could not move forward without risking spilling his drink.
And dammit, if this drink ruined his day, he wanted to at least enjoy it.
“Tetta-, sorry. Kisaki. Hi.” Atsushi sounded out of breath, even though he only had to rush from one side of a ten foot wide waiting area to the other to catch him. But even so, his voice was such an unfamiliar gift, that Kisaki wanted to close his eyes and revel in the sound of something he hadn’t heard in years.
“Atsushi…hi.” Kisaki could actually kick himself if his legs were a bit longer. Hi? After all this time, all he could think of to say was “hi?” It wasn’t as if he hadn’t replayed this exact scenario in his mind a million times, wondering what it would be like if Atsushi ever returned to him. He had such a large stock of what he would say…what he would do… And all he could manage was a damn “hi.”
“How are you?” Atsushi smiled, his voice soft, as if he were trying to keep those near them from hearing, and sad. Which didn’t make any sense to Kisaki. “You really look like you’re doing well. Like the suit.”
“Just heading back to the office, actually.” Kisaki faked looking at his watch, the glimpse he got of the clock face when he turned his arm up barely enough to register that there was a watch, much less read the time. “They’ll be expecting me back soon…meetings and all.”
“Oh, okay of course. Big business man, just like we planned.” Atsushi’s smile turned into a grimace, holding back more feelings that leaked out of his eyes. Frustration and disappointment namely. “Well, I guess -”
“Hey, Sendo! Got our drinks!” The young woman from earlier approached them, handing Atsushi a cup, before turning to Kisaki and blushing, realizing she had interrupted…something.
“Thanks…Can you give me a moment? I’m almost done.”
The woman nodded, thankful to be excused from the situation, and shuffled over to stand near the front door of the cafe with her drink. Atsushi turned back to Kisaki, an apologetic look on his face.
“Sorry…she’s one of my new stylists. I thought I’d treat her to celebrate her first month at the salon.”
“So you finally made it…” Kisaki mused, gloved fingers holding tightly to the cup of coffee as he looked Atsushi up and down. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks….I guess we both got what we wanted in the end, huh?” Atsushi smiled before taking a step back, moving out of Kisaki’s range, and out of Kisaki’s life once again. “It was nice to see you, Kisaki. Maybe I’ll see you around some time.”
Kisaki nodded, letting Atsushi go, along with his chance at apologizing for whatever he had done all those years ago that made Atsushi leave. But it was so hard to say, when he looked so uncomfortably tense…. His shoulders tightening and voice strained while talking with Kisaki. When he returned to his employee…he returned to the Atsushi Kisaki remembered. The one he missed.
Loose, carefree and beautiful. How he wanted that back.
“Atsushi -” The name tumbled from his lips before he could stop himself. Kisaki panicked, wondering what he would say. Maybe ask for his number, or if they could go out to dinner, or…if Atsushi missed him too.
Atsushi paused, turning back towards him as his employee headed outside. He held his drink close to his body with both hands, guarded, before nodding at Kisaki to continue.
“I….It…It was nice to see you too.”
Atsushi smiled in acceptance, raising a hand slightly as a parting greeting before stepping outside and walking away. Down the street, back to his hair salon.
Kisaki cursed himself, following the same path, but turning the opposite direction when he arrived outside so he could get back in his car, warm air blasting his face as he closed his eyes. Frustration washed through him, and he smacked the steering wheel with his open palm, hissing at the sting of his skin hitting something hard.
Atsushi was there…and he was perfect. He was everything Kisaki remembered, but time had passed, so of course Atsushi couldn’t be his. Not so easily. And not with so little effort.
But he wanted him. And he wasn’t used to not getting the things that he wanted.
Inhaling deeply through his nose, Kisaki tried to reason with himself.
This Atsushi wasn’t his Atsushi. He wasn’t the same person he was when they had stopped seeing each other in college. He’s grown, and had life experiences that Kisaki can’t even fathom. He….had everything. He looked happy. Genuinely happy and not faked and full of lies like Kisaki’s own happiness.
He couldn’t ruin that. He didn’t want to ruin that.
But…he wanted Atsushi.