#kitchennatural

[soft-pine]

spn20rewatch: 4.02 are you there god? it's me, dean winchester

cn discussion of SA

oops i spent my whole 4.01 post being terribly sappily fond of dean. and well, I'M NOT DONE!!! i love him so goddamn much. however this one's gonna have a bit more analysis.

like, okay, so we open to a conversation between sam, bobby, and dean about cas' claim at the end of last ep that he's an angel. dean is skeptical. and he phrases it this way, "Look, all I know is I was not groped by an angel." which is interesting, given that the mark on dean is on his shoulder - not that there's only certain parts of the body that can be violated! but it's worth diving into his word choice. because taken with his reaction to pamela's touching his thigh last episode ("Whoa. Well, he didn't touch me there!"), we get the impression that dean is being particularly reactive about touch and violation.

and ow. okay.

but although dean is concerned about the motivations behind his rescue, sam's fully on board.

SAM: Dean, this is good news. DEAN: How? SAM: Because for once, this isn't just another round of demon crap. I mean, maybe you were saved by one of the good guys, you know?

it makes sense dean is so deeply worried about what who saved him might want from him. because, of course, there's a pattern of things saving him from death but the consequences being awful (1.12, 2.01 etc). and though he doesn't know yet, that's what's happening here. they saved him so they could destroy the world. :(

in fact dean is so agitated about what it actually was that saved him -and why - that he doesn't even eat the pizza :( (and later, he doesn't even get his pie! he's been back from hell for two eps and he's tried to get pie each ep and been prevented. absolutely devastating actually).

this episode is full of many small moments that show a contrast between dean before hell and hint at what kinds of things he suffered there and how much he's struggling now. we get the hints at sexual assault noted above. we get dean's fairly placid reaction to finding olivia's corpse. whereas bobby and sam are both somewhat shaken, dean is not nearly as reactive about her gutted open and ripped out stomach. which also works well in contrast to his reaction to the corpses of the family in 3.01 - where he makes a face at the awful smell. we also see a contrast in his relationship to sleep. in both 4.01 and 4.02, some of the only times we see dean sleep are when he seems to have fallen asleep in the middle of something. in 4.01, he falls asleep mid-research on the motel bed. in 4.02, he falls asleep in the car. so sleep is something he's avoiding - even though he's exhausted enough not to be able to escape it.

another theme that appears here is dean's instinct to look for danger within the house. in 3.10, when they search for bobby in his nightmare, sam searches outside and dean stays to search the house. the same pattern repeats here. though bobby is outside this time, something is inside the house - meg.

meg's whole speech to dean is heartbreaking. that whole scene is heartbreaking. as soon as dean knows who she is, his first instinct is to apologize. but she doesn't want his apologies. she just wants to wail on him. and he takes it.

MEG: You think you're some kind of hero? DEAN: No, I don't.

MEG: That blood is on your hands, Dean! DEAN: You're right.

the line she says, "Do you have any idea what it's like to be ridden for months by pure evil... while your family has no idea what happened to you?" haunts me... that specific phrasing tying into the themes discussed above.

meg's spirit isn't the only one dean encounters. he also sees ronald and henriksen. and i'm reminded, again, of how fond dean is of both of them. bobby even chastises dean for talking to ronald rather than just shooting him. but dean is (as my partner who was watching with me described) "deeply interpersonal." he knows the spirits have beef with them and his reaction is "let's talk it out." i'm sickeningly fond of him. (this also contrasts well with sam just immediately shooting meg upon seeing her ghost).

there is something very endearing to me about this exchange after henriksen attacks dean:

SAM: You all right? DEAN: No.

dean's intonation here is so precious to me.

this episode really digs into dean's atheism. from him talking about how much it "creeps [him] out" to think about a god that "gives a crap about [him] personally." which is really amazing and also devastating to think about given everything that is to come.

but his mistrust of god comes from such a profoundly loving place. this was touched on in 2.13 as well. back then he says,

DEAN: There's no higher power, there's no God. I mean, there's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that - that comes out of nowhere and rips you to shreds.

in 4.02, it's

DEAN: See, this is why I can't get behind God....If he doesn't exist, fine. Bad crap happens to good people. That's how it is. There's no rhyme or reason -- just random, horrible, evil -- I get it, okay. I can roll with that. But if he is out there, what's wrong with him? Where the hell is he while all these decent people are getting torn to shreds? How does he live with himself? You know, why doesn't he help?

he literally cares SO FUCKING MUCH!!! my beloved atheist. he holds those with power to such an account, and i FUCKING LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he care so much that he shoulders all the responsibility for the whole world that should be god's concern and even then, he doesn't think he's special or more important then anyone else.

DEAN: But why do I deserve to get saved? I'm just a regular guy.

as mentioned above, he tells meg's ghost that he doesn't think he's a hero. (but you are, babygirl, you love the world more than god, so jot that down).

and this of course brings us to THEE kitchen scene. (which i first have to premise with why is dean sleeping on the floor!? i mean i know he insisted but WHY IS HE SLEEPING ON THE FLOORR????? he just got back from hell? NO COUCH FOR DEAN??? jail jail for sammy etc)

DEAN: I'm not convinced. 'Cause if there's a God, what the hell is he waiting for, huh? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth? The freaking apocalypse? At what point does he lift a damn finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here? CASTIEL: The Lord works... DEAN: If you say "mysterious ways," so help me, I will kick your ass.

i love him as ferociously and completely as i have ever loved anything. "if you say 'mysterious ways,' i will kick your ass" has bewitched me body and soul. i don't have words. i remember the feeling i had watching that scene for the first time and knowing it was him forever and there would never be anything that could match that feeling.

his little face after he says that like holy shit that was wild of me to say what if he kills me. i will love him for the rest of my life.

[fruitmixtape]

dancing in the kitchen. right in front of my salad <3

[soft-pine]

spn20rewatch 4.04: metamorphosis

ow ouch owie. this episode is so rough.

dean immediately and understandably attacks ruby and she starts strangling him.

one of the last things she said to him was:

RUBY: Oh, oh you – so you're just too stupid to live, is that it? Then fine! You deserve hell! I wish I could be there, Dean. I wish I could smell the flesh sizzle off your bones! I WISH I COULD BE THERE TO HEAR YOU SCREAM!!

(reminder that "I'm sorry, Dean I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy" was actually lilith pretending to be ruby.)

ruby here has every incentive to actually kill Dean. the first seal is broken; if they get lucifer out and michael's down for the count all the better.

and it really makes sense, given everything that happened, that sam didn't want to tell dean about ruby. especially since, as sam says in 4.01, "it was practically [dean's] dying wish" for sam not to continue trying to use his powers. and especially since that's one of the first things that dean (fresh out of 40 years of demon torture and manipulation) asks sam about. of course sam was hesitant to tell him.

but also, of course, dean is totally spun out about it.

dean's initial instinct is to get space; he starts frantically throwing his stuff in a bag and heads for the door.

but sam doesn't want him to go so he grabs dean's arm as he tries to leave the room. dean punches him twice.

i think this scene is often used by sam stans to argue that dean is 1. angry and controlling and 2. so judgmental of sam being "different" that he gets violent about it.

but neither of those things are really happening. for one, dean was actually trying to do something that he often tries to do when he's upset - which is get space to calm down. he doesn't come into the motel room after finding out sam was lying to him about ruby and start a fight or start yelling at sam. he's just trying to get out of there.

it's sam trying to control dean's actions (get him to stay) that finally fully sets dean off.

and is it any wonder that after his time in hell, dean would be so scared and so angry about sam working with a demon. like ruby literally did just actually nearly kill him. and dean is deeply concerned about her motivations (and he's right). it's not about sam simply "having powers."

and while i think punching someone you're angry with is not a very healthy response, it is important to remember that this is something both brothers do with a pretty even dispersal. and that all evidence suggests that the life of violence they were both forced into and the person who raised them are to blame.

sam's response is to plead with dean to try and see his perspective and to trust him. but, as dean points out, what reason does he have to believe sam?

in fact, sam is also lying to ruby it seems. when he first exorcises the demon, he says he's not getting headaches anymore. but when travis calls, sam is clearly experiencing a pretty intense headache. and given that dean heard that exchange, he's probably able to clock that lie as well.

i can't help but be saddened by sam's "I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year." something about that is such a knife twist (like i'm not really blaming sam for saying it just saying it must hurt dean a lot). dean's whole life has been dedicated to saving people and, though sam doesn't know it, he's dealing with tremendous guilt for his last ten years in hell. that has got to hurt.

anyway, interestingly, dean's next appeal to get sam to stop relies on what cas said at the end of the last episode.

DEAN: Why did an angel tell me to stop you? SAM: What? DEAN: Cas said that if I don't stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?

dean goes on a journey about his faith and trust in god and the angels over the course of season 4. but i actually don't think he's quite on board with their whole schtick yet. i think he's actually appealing to sam's beliefs from 4.02, when he insisted cas really was an angel and was "one of the good guys" and said god wanted dean to "strap on your party hat." sam has long been the more christian of the two (see 1.07, 2.13, 4.02). and it's interesting to see how dean tries to use this to convince sam, despite dean's less than enthusiastic belief in god.

but okay, enough about the first like 5 minutes, let's talk about some stuff from the rest of the episode.

while driving to meet with travis, dean tells sam about his time in the past. (and finds out sam concealed what azazel showed him in 2.21) but importantly, let's look at how dean talks about mary:

SAM: How'd she look? I mean... was she happy? DEAN: Yeah, she was awesome. Funny and smart. So hopeful.

she's a whole person and he sees it and he knows it; "she was awesome."

i don't have a ton to say about the case they work. i fucking hate travis. and it's always interesting to look at the character of hunters john knew and didn't have a falling out with. travis (refuses to believe monsters are capable of choosing not to kill), martin (willing to kill and innocent woman because he can't believe a vampire wouldn't be a killer), fred jones (gave both dean and sam beer before they were ten), caleb, and pastor jim (but we have a little less information about them, i guess). but it's a pattern that i always feel is informative. john would have had to have hunters friends who wouldn't judge him too harshly for how involved dean (and later sam) were in hunting.

anyway. when travis describes how they'll have to kill the rougarou by burning it alive. dean says:

DEAN: Well, that's gonna be... horrible

i don't know, i just find voice here so cute. (and also the layer that he probably has very intense sense memory of what exactly that would feel and be like... so sad...)

speaking of sad things. this line of dialogue never ceases to haunt me.

TRAVIS: Are you kidding me? You ever been really hungry? I mean, haven't-eaten-in-days hungry? DEAN: Yeah.

the way he says "yeah" with so much emphasis. the way sam doesn't say anything. oh.

anyway, later dean is laid out unconscious on the table and he's nearly the meal. but what else is new.

and i know we talk a lot about dean "i'm not angry, i'm worried" winchester. but here he is:

DEAN: Sam, I wanna tell you I'm sorry. I've been kind of hard on you lately. SAM: Don't worry about it, Dean. DEAN: It's just that your, uh, your psychic thing, it scares the crap out of me.

[soft-pine]

spn20rewatch: 3.10 dream a little dream of me // cn mentions of abuse

this episode is so full! where to start?

how about with the contrast between where dean and sam look for danger once they make it into bobby's mind. sam, heads for the door, looking for a threat attacking the house from the outside. meanwhile, dean stays inside, looking for both the threat and bobby inside.

dean is both more in search of the simple, mundane, and domestic, and also more wary of threats at work in that sphere. in 1.09 his role is to ward the kitchen; in 12.21, dean searches the kitchen for the BMoL bugs. in 4.02, much like 3.10, when bobby's in danger, dean stays in the house to search, while sam goes to search through the junkyard. and then later in that episode, dean is attacked on his errand to the kitchen.

i think kitchens work as a good metaphor for dean's heart. while he doesn't have one he's chosen, it's not getting attacked but he doesn't have a place to cook (or i.e. maybe be free to feel his full emotions?)

DEAN: Ugh. You know, one day I'd love to just sit down and eat something I didn't have to microwave at a minimart.

but if he chooses a kitchen, a place to "nest" (8.14), it's at risk:

CROWLEY: I haven't the foggiest. Had to send her off on a merry chase before she could melt me. Told her you boys kept the keys in the kitchen. You do have a kitchen in this crap hole, don't you? DEAN: Damn it, I just cleaned in here.

in this interpretation it is of note that cas chooses the bunker's kitchen as a safe haven when he's possessed by lucifer (11.18):

CROWLEY: Is this the Winchesters' kitchen? CASTIEL: Sort of. I come here in my mind to pass the time. For some reason, it has excellent reception.

the word reception makes me think of something else cas has said (10.10):

CASTIEL: Well, it doesn’t have to be a formal prayer. I could pick up on a – a longing… 

dean's heart as the place with the best reception for longing or something...

but jesus i am getting away from myself!

so let's talk about john / bobby parallels and contrasts! this is the episode we find out bobby's hunting back story. and it's very similar to john's - a demon attacks his wife (in bobby's case, possess her) and she dies (in bobby's case he has to kill her).

i wonder how much finding out that bobby's history was so similar to john's, yet, they seem to have handled it very differently - specifically as it relates to how they treated sam and dean as kids (7.10) does for dean? dean's beautiful and terrible speech at the end of the episode carries so much resentment for everything john put on him as a kid.

did realizing there was so much that was similar about bobby ("you're like a father to me") contributed to that devastation and anger? that there could have been a version who didn't put all that on him.

dream dean berating dean for his low self-esteem, while at the same time reinforcing that that assessment of him is correct. that he is noting beyond "Daddy's blunt little instrument." which is, i think, the most insane line of dialogue in the whole show? nothing... NOTHING gets me like that.

but there's a beautiful moment in and amongst all the soul-tearing sorrow; dream dean is throwing out all the ways dean isn't his own person and he says, "I mean, your car? That's Dad's." but it's not! not really! dean picked it out for him (4.03) though he doesn't know yet that that happened! but i love this little hint at the way dean has always been rattling the bars on the cage.

it's interesting that in this episode that deals explicitly with john's abuse, there's another abusive father stalking the perimeter. it always unsettles me the way sam's solution is to manifest jeremey's dad inside his dream; he kills him. it reminds me of 4.06 where sam's solution is once again to destroy the threat by attacking it with what it fears the most. it's definitely effective. but it's sad. jeremey's dad hurt and abused him and ultimately set him up to die....

and, well,

DREAM DEAN: Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you? DEAN: Son of a bitch! My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me, about protecting Sam! That was his crap. He's the one who couldn't protect his family. He- He's the one who let Mom die – who wasn't there for Sam. I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me. And I don't deserve to go to Hell!

but he's already been set up to die....

[soft-pine]

spn20rewatch: 3.16 no rest for the wicked

there is something so raw and animalistic about this episode opening with dean running frantically through the woods trying to escape the hellhounds. he is being hunted - not by demons with a plan but by dogs. he's prey. he's food.

i mentioned that 1.18 feels like an episode that helps organize all the characterization and narrative that has come before or will come after. that's how I feel about 3.16 as well. it contains so many little moments of patterns and themes which trace their fingers throughout spn.

not to belabor the point but again again dean is right about ruby. and he's so sure he's right he's willing to risk his own death to keep sam safe from her manipulation. there is something so soft about the way dean is begging both sam and bobby not to go off unprepared on this risky plan just to save him.

DEAN: What's the problem? Come on, where do I begin? I mean, first of all, we don't even know if Lilith holds my deal. We're going off of Bela's intel? Now when that bitch breathes, the air comes out crooked. Okay. Second, even if we could get to Lilith, we have no way to gank her. And third, isn't this the same Lilith that wants your giant head on a pike? Should I continue? BOBBY: Ain't you just bringing down the room. DEAN: Yeah, well, it's a gift. SAM: I'm sorry, so then what are we supposed to do, Dean? DEAN: Just 'cause I gotta die doesn't mean you have to, okay. Either we go in smart or we don't go in at all.

Dean's focus for a lot of this episode is trying to find a way to break the deal-making cycle he feels his family is trapped in. like my god. the layers to that. and the fact that he's fine with his death being what ends it. that that would be worth it.

DEAN: Don't you see a pattern here? Dad's deal, my deal, now this? I mean every time one of us is – is – is up the creek the other is begging to sell their soul. That's all this is, man. Ruby's just jerking your chain down the road. You know what it's paved with and you know where it's going.

i'm not claiming that dean never angrily raises his voice throughout this episode when sam and bobby are doing or suggesting things that scare him. but for the most part, his tone is soft. is pleading. he knows he's a pawn being moved on the board and he's desperately begging the people around him not to play the game.

if he has to die, so be it. but he wants it to end there. he wants his family's ensnarement in violence and revenge and sacrifice to end there. (a fascinating theme to think about for the upcoming seasons).

DEAN: Oh, bite me. I totally rehearsed that speech, too.

(*through wailing blubbers that make the words nearly unintelligible* he... rehearsed... the... speech.)

another example of repeat patterns is dean once again dealing with the corpses. sure he, sam, and bobby all conceal the cop's car and presumably corpse. but in the demon cul-de-sac, it's dean we see dragging a demon's body off into the bushes. less than an hour from his own death and he's the designated mortician. jesus.

he's also the designated bait. both when they're trying to infiltrate the town. and earlier when he intentionally provokes ruby into beating him up so he can lure her under a devil's trap and steal the demon knife.

before the hellhounds even get him, his face is still all cut up from her wailing on him.

RUBY: Oh, oh you – so you're just too stupid to live, is that it? Then fine! You deserve hell! I wish I could be there, Dean. I wish I could smell the flesh sizzle off your bones! I WISH I COULD BE THERE TO HEAR YOU SCREAM!! DEAN: And I wish you'd shut your pie hole, but we don't always get what we want.

we don't always get what we want. :(

of course the similarity between dean singing along to bon jovi in 3.16 just long enough to get sam to look away and start singing along so dean can let the fear slip back onto his face is so like dean practicing a smile in 7.11. what these private expressions reveal about the performance. the way the forced smiles slip off his face. the quaking lip. so so so much of dean is missed if you only look at how he is when he's "got his game face on" (2.03).

i'm sure folks who are more adept at symbolism could do a very interesting analysis about the impala's broken headlight at the end of the pilot versus it's broken taillight here. to me, it feels like the difference between heading into the future, a little worse for wear but still moving forward, and the moment where the past catches up to you.

and well, that's what this is.

SAM: Don't, Dean! I'm not gonna let you go to hell, Dean! DEAN: Yes, you are! ... Yes, you are.

his voice here actually ACTUALLY destroys me. he wants it to be over. he is trying to end the cycle as best as he can. and then, the next kicker, the next pattern; he apologizes:

DEAN: I'm sorry. I mean this is all my fault, I know that.

like to be crystal fucking clear. he's apologizing for the fact that he sold his soul to save sam's life and now he's going to hell. dean is apologizing to sam for that fact that dean is going to hell. i mean he's apologizing because sam is sad about it. but like you cannot in all seriousness claim dean doesn't take accountability for his actions or other people's emotions. he is both going to hell to save sam AND apologizing to sam about it.

and speaking of sam, lilith starts to assault him and immediately dean is needling her to try and move attention off sam (we see this also in 3.08 - dean's pattern of even when they're cornered trying to get the focus off sam and onto himself, usually by mouthing off).

DEAN: So, is this your big plan, huh? Drag me to hell. Kill Sam. And then what? Become queen bitch?

lilith replies, "I don't have to answer to puppy chow."

and so we circle back to dean as prey. he's splayed across the dining room table. he's food. the dogs catch him and. he's dinner.

dean screaming for help, strung up in hell gets me in the gut every time. and brings us to the the last pattern. dean dies wearing three layers on top - t-shirt, flannel, jacket. but he wakes up in hell in just the t-shirt. stripped down to just one, nearly torn to shreds.

in 2.14 meg describes the situation that led to bill harvelle's death like this:

That's just like John. Oh, I'll bet he dangled Bill like meat on a hook.

[soft-pine]

Perhaps the World Ends Here

By Joy Harjo // Supernatural

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the corners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that

on what it means to be human.

At this table we gossip,

as they put their arms around our children.

They laugh with us

has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.

We have given birth on this table,

At this table we sing with joy,

We pray of suffering and remorse.

These are just snippets of the entire poem that I made for @deangloriam, @danger-and-diatribes, and @pinkmarshmelo which you can read here!

Full poem below

The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what, we must eat to live.

The gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the table. So it has been since creation, and it will go on.

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the corners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that children are given instructions on what it means to be human. We make men at it, we make women.

At this table we gossip, recall enemies and the ghosts of lovers.

Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms around our children. They laugh with us at our poor falling-down selves and as we put ourselves back together once again at the table.

This table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.

Wars have begun and ended at this table. It is a place to hide in the shadow of terror. A place to celebrate the terrible victory.

We have given birth on this table, and have prepared our parents for burial here.

At this table we sing with joy, with sorrow. We pray of suffering and remorse. We give thanks.

Perhaps the world will end at the kitchen table, while we are laughing and crying, eating of the last sweet bite.