i don’t hate you || b.b.
𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 || Bucky has always hated you, since the day you met but you’ve never been able to hate him back.
𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒕 || “From the bottom of my heart… what the fuck?”
author’s note || I was supposed to finish this WAY sooner so I could start writing on series/requests but then 5 minutes of tik tok turned into 3 hours… so yeah.. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this angst! Written for @kitkatd7’s 250 Writing Challenge! Congrats on 250, love!!
warnings || angst, fluff, swearing, smut [18+], minors do not interact, asshole!bucky, physical abuse is mentioned (it’s not explicit but please read with caution)
James Buchanan Barnes hates you. Absolutely loathes you. But you can’t find it in yourself to hate him. But you should. You should hate the ground he walks on from the number of times he’s treated you like utter shit. You should throw him out of the tower for the number of names he’s called you.
But for some reason, you don’t hate the son of the bitch. You don’t hate how he tells everyone he’s ‘going to the gym’ when in fact he goes to a field to pick flowers. You don’t hate how he’ll protect the people he loves even if it gets him captured, tortured, or even killed. You don’t hate how in the morning he makes the whole team a batch of coffee without saying anything. You don’t hate how despite the pure hatred he has towards you, he still calms you down during your nightmares.
As a matter of fact, the only feeling that seems to flutter out of you when he’s around is fervor, warmth, and giddiness. And that drives you fucking insane. How can a man that has only brought you disgusted looks, snappy remarks, and exasperated arguments make you adore him?
And you don’t think you’ll ever be able to answer that question. You have absolutely zero clue why you love somebody who hates you.
However, the one thing you hate, the one thing that makes your heart fill with animosity and malice are his actions towards you. And you have no idea why! The first day that Fury introduced you to the team, everyone had been the utmost kindest towards you. They had greeted you with beaming smiles and laughter except for him. He looked at you with narrowed eyes and a flattened smile but you never chose to be mean back. Well, unless he made snappy comments or argued with you. Then you gave him hell, which only led more fuel into his weird hatred towards you.
And today was no different, the whole team was eating breakfast and you all had been just talking pleasantly until Bucky came in with a grunt and made a sly comment as the only seat left empty was next to yours.
Tony rolled his eyes and picked up his orange juice to take a sip. “So what are you gonna do today, kid?” You set your fork down, moving your attention solely onto him.
“I think I’m going to make her a bouquet of her favorite flowers.” The team all smiled and some gave you sympathetic looks. Tony offered to help, knowing much about how you’re feeling on days like these.
Bucky snarked, “For who?” You blinked, shoving around some of the scrambled eggs on your plate with a fork. “My mom.” Bucky laughed while the whole team just fell silent, shocked at Bucky’s belligerent actions. You looked at him with small tears in your eyes.
“Oh, don’t get teary-eyed on me. That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard. A homemade flower bouquet?” You quickly got out of your seat and ran to your room, slamming the door behind you. Bucky was still snickering, not grasping the light of the room until the whole team started to yell at him.
“What the fuck, Bucky?” Nat screamed at him. He looked at everyone confused by their disappointment. “What? It’s lame to-” This time Steve snapped. Normally, Steve would just sling his head down in disappointment at his best friend’s assery but today was different. Today was the one day that you didn’t deserve any shit thrown at you.
“It’s the anniversary of her mom’s death! It was real mature of you to just shove it into her face that making a bouquet for her mom’s tombstone is ‘lame’ and what did you say? Oh yeah. ‘The stupidest shit I’ve heard.’” A fuming Steve shoved his chair back and aggressively stomped out of the room, mumbling curse words at his best friend.
Bucky just cringed the whole time. He did not know it your mom’s anniversary of her death. Hell, he didn’t even know your mom was dead but he never paid any attention. God, he was so selfish. Bucky’s stomach dropped as he watched Steve softly knock on your door for comfort. He knows that should be him instead. He wants that to be him instead. But Bucky’s an asshole. He shoves away the people he loves. He convinces himself that it’s better that way but now, he’s hurt someone he loves by driving them away.
Bucky apologizes to the team and rushes towards your bedroom. Steve had clearly already left by the silence that suffocated the air. He softly knocks on your door. “Who is it?” “It’s me.” You don’t answer nor do you move. Bucky sighs. He doesn’t blame you. He’s an ass. “I’m not here to yell I just… I want to apologize.”
You slowly crack open the door, letting him in. You were sitting down on the ground, tears staining your cheeks. His gut twisted with guilt and sadness. He sat down on the ground next to you, watching your every move. “I just.. I want to say I’m sorry. I had no idea it was the anniversary of your mom’s death.” You nodded and sighed. “I know I can’t say sorry to make anything better but… what if I help you with the arrangement?” Your eyes lit up and Bucky smiled. You blinked, never seeing this side of him. Maybe you should have death anniversaries more often.
Bucky took you out of the tower to as many floral shops as you wanted to go to, picking out her favorites like calla lilies, alstroemerias, begonias, dahlias, and morning glories. You then both went to her grave and sat there while reminiscing of the good stories with your mom. You laughed and cried and Bucky did as well. You talking about your mom made him miss his.
Honestly, you could get used to this. Bucky had been the kindest you had ever seen. His eyes lit up at your laughter and his cheeks blushed as you held his hand and squeezed it.
After getting back to the tower, the two of you went ahead and relaxed for the evening. Sitting on the couch in your room, Bucky turned the TV on and you two started to watch a movie. “Hey, Buck?” He hummed, waiting a moment for his eyes flicked towards you. “Why do you hate me?” He rapidly shook his head. “I-I… I don’t hate you, y/n. I never have.” You blinked at his words. Never?
“Then why have you been acting that way?” He sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. Even though the day had ended up being one of his favorites, he was starting to not like where this conversation was going. “With all of the things that I’ve done with Hydra and being the Winter Soldier, I thought that pushing you away was the best option.”
“What? How the fuck is that pushing me away? Not talking to me is pushing away. Insulting me and arguing with me at every chance is just hatred.” Bucky’s eyes snapped towards yours, his nostrils flared
“You know what? This is why I acted that way.” You looked at him with fire in your eyes, igniting that well-known feeling you get with Bucky. “Acted what way?”
Bucky gritted his teeth. “You have everything just handed to you. You have no idea what it’s like to suffer!” Your head snaps up and you look at Bucky like he’s got three heads. “From the bottom of my heart… what the fuck?” You put your head in your hands. How the fuck can this prick say that to you? Sure, you haven’t been through anything that he has with Hydra but he hasn’t been in your shoes either.
“You think I haven’t dealt with pain? That’s absolutely ridiculous, Bucky. Just because you have suffered from something greater doesn’t mean I haven’t suffered at all.” Bucky grossed his arms and huffed, knowing you were right. “My mom couldn’t do anything about my dad beating me because her kidneys were failing. After having type one diabetes for 45 years and having a kid, her organs started to fail.” Bucky’s facade faltered as you continued. He had no idea you went through that. His fiery eyes died down to sullen ones as he listened. “I would visit her when she’d go through hours worth of dialysis and the doctors would ask if I was okay from the bruises.”
Tears started to fall freely from your eyes. “When her kidneys started to fail again during dialysis they knew this was her last run and she couldn’t qualify for a kidney transplant. Her last vision of her six-year-old daughter was me sobbing as I had a huge black eye covering my face.” You suddenly got furious, an accusing finger pointed straight at Bucky. “My so-called dad then sold me to a crime boss at the city of K’un-L’un. Even though the crime boss treated me as his own and was quite gentle, don’t tell me that I don’t feel any pain. I mean shit Bucky, did you just think I had nightmares, just ‘cause?”
Bucky sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m so sorry, y/n. I’m such an ass. I..I- As I said, I kept telling myself this was the right way so I could push you away. I will never be able to truly show you just how sorry I am. I think that I’m so fucking sick of myself that I take all of that anger and put it on you. I’m so sorry.” He paused, watching your anger die down a little. “the truth is… I’m unbelievably in love with you.” Your head snapped up and your eyes darted around to find a single lie forming on his face or to tell you that this is a joke. “Ever since I laid eyes on you I thought you were the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. You’re funny, you’re kind, you protect those you love. How could I not fall in love with you?” Wait, he didn’t hate you?
Your heart was beating a thousand miles and he nervously continued. “I thought that by pushing you away that I could save you. I know it sounds stupid but I didn’t want my past life of the winter soldier to ever affect you. I could have hurt you but I can see now that I’ve already done that.” He looks at you with a saddened expression, regret filled his stomach. He should’ve just talked to you. But he didn’t. He just wished things were different.
What he didn’t expect though was to have your lips on his, nipping and moving against one another. Bucky was too shocked at first, appreciating that feeling of your lips on his. Once he regained his thoughts, he immediately wrapped his arms around you, bodies pressed against one another. The room felt hotter each second as you gripped his head firmly, pulling at his hair as Bucky just moaned. His tongue touched yours, swift and electric, then harder and more determined, more passioned as your lips savored each other.
Bucky quickly took off your shirt, leaving peppered kisses all over your neck and messaging your breasts. He then took off his shirt as you pulled down your pants, reconnecting in the middle. His lips caressed your neck and hissed as he bit down on your sensitive skin. “Fuck.” He whispers, reaching his hand up to pinch one of your nipples between his fingers making your already sensitive skin, ache and cry. You moan his sweet name, wanting more and more from this man.
“Bucky, please.” He chuckles at your eagerness and he quickly takes off your panties. “Shit, doll, you’re already that wet for me?” You nod, biting your lip He instantly takes off his pants and boxers and wastes no time in lining himself up and pushing into you until his hips are flushed into yours. He rocked back and forth savoring the rich pleasures of your voice, whining and gasping from your bodies colliding to one.
“Fuck, you’re so good. So good to me, doll.” All you could do was moan back, too enchanted to talk. You start to buck your hips as he pushes into you faster and faster. “Fuck, y/n. I love you. Shit.” Bucky gets sloppier and sloppier as your gasps and moans turn louder and harder. You yell his name, screaming into the air as he rides you out, pushing in and out until he soon receives his own high. You both take a minute to breathe and calm down from the best possible sex you’ve ever had.
After the two of you clean yourselves up, Bucky lays in bed with you—snuggled up against your side and wrapping an arm around you. You look at him with glistening eyes and start tracing down his jaw. “I don’t want this night to end.” He looks at you, sorrow filling those blue eyes. “I don’t either. How about we just think about reality tomorrow, okay? Enjoy our moment now.” You nod and rest your head on his chest, listening to his slowed heartbeat.
You close your eyes and intertwine your hand with his on his torso, letting sleep take you over.
--
Your eyes started to flutter open at the sensation of Bucky’s fingers tracing the outlines of your body. You both stare at each other for a little while, savoring the moment you two had. However, you knew that it would soon be broken. Life and reality aren’t that easy.
You sit up, covered draped around your naked body. Bucky looks at you like he knows what’s coming. Which, by the way he’s treated you, should’ve guessed by the start.
“Look, I don’t regret what we did last night and we both know it was a huge spur of the moment.” You paused, watching as Bucky’s stature fell a little. “I know now that you have feelings for me as I do for you but Bucky you’ve treated me like shit since I got here. I thought you spat the ground I walked on, despised my whole entire existence.” Bucky cringed at your words but he knew you were right. The two of you can’t jump headfirst into a relationship after the shit he’s pulled.
“I thought that maybe we could, you know be in a relationship, but right now, that pain is stronger than my love for you.” Bucky’s heart broke in two at your words. Of course you would be affected by him pushing you away and making him think you hate him with nasty comments and looks. But he knows that there’s still a tiny sliver of hope.
Bucky nods in agreement and smiles lightly. “I’ll wait for you. However long it takes, however long you need to heal from the damage I have caused, I will wait.” He looks over at you and grasps one of your hands. “Do not rush thinking that I will be long gone by the time you’re healed. I’m not going anywhere. And even if you choose not to be with me, don’t think for a second I won’t respect your decision.” You smiled and squeezed his fingers.
This was good. Not a fresh start but the possibility of a second chance. And if Bucky was given that opportunity when you healed, he wasn’t going to fuck this one up. Not anymore.
