NOTES : you go on a date for the first time since dex showed up, he is against it in each and everyway. he shows you how much better he is then any other guys when you come back home.
the earrings were the final touch. you turned in front of the mirror, smoothing down the front of your slinky, red dress, and decided it was good enough. better than good enough, actually. you looked nice.
behind you, in the reflection, dex leaned in the doorway of your bedroom. he'd been there for six minutes, you'd been counting. his sharp and unblinking green eyes track your every movement with the particular focus of a cat watching something it had already decided belonged to it — hadn't moved from you once. his tail was doing that thing where it went completely, unnaturally still, which was somehow worse than when it lashed.
"you're not going," he said.
wame voice he'd used when he introduced himself on your doorstep — smooth, slightly accented, the kind of voice that felt like it was curling around you. except right now it had an edge underneath it that he was working very hard to keep buried.
"dex." you kept your eyes on the mirror. "we talked about this."
"you talked." he pushed off the doorframe, padding into your room on bare feet — silent, the way he always was, the way that still caught you off guard sometimes. "i was present for a conversation i didn't agree to participate in."
"that's not—"
"he's wrong for you."
you turned around. he was closer than he'd looked in the reflection, hovering just inside your space, and the expression on his face made your chest do something complicated. his black ears were flat. not the playful flat he did when he was whining about dinner, or the soft flat when he had his head in your lap on the couch. this was different. tighter. the ears of something genuinely distressed.
"you've never met him," you said.
"i know everything i need to." his tail flicked once, sharp. "he's taking you somewhere that isn't here. that's enough."
"dex—"
"am i not enough?"
the question came out raw — rawer than he'd meant it to, you could tell by the way his jaw went tight immediately after, like he was angry at himself for letting it out that way. his green eyes had gone wide. that particular wide that made your heart do terrible things.
"that's not what this is about," you said carefully.
"then what is it about." not a question. his hands had found the hem of his t-shirt, a nervous gesture he'd never fully shed — fingers worrying at the fabric, claws just barely catching. "i'm here. i do everything. i make your dinners and i fold your clothes and i—" a muscle in his jaw jumped. "i know you. better than some stranger with a nice face could ever—"
"dex." you stepped toward him. "stop."
he stopped. mouth closing. ears still flat.
"come here."
he didn't move for a moment — stubborn, wounded pride warring visibly with the thing he couldn't help being — and then he crossed the remaining distance between you in two steps and sat on the edge of your bed, heavily, like his legs had just decided they were done with the performance.
he put his head in his hands.
"you'll forget about me," he said, muffled. miserable. absolutely wretched in the way only dex could manage, all that sharp feline composure dissolving into something devastatingly soft. "if you find someone. you'll move him in, or you'll move out, and i'll just be — i'll just—"
"dex." you sat beside him. "look at me."
he didn't.
"dex."
slowly, like it cost him, he lifted his head.
you reached up and found the spot — the one just behind his left ear, at the base, where the fur was softest and where absolutely nothing in the world could stop his body from betraying him. you scratched, slow and deliberate.
he went completely still.
the breath left him in a long, shuddering exhale. his ear pressed into your palm, involuntary, helpless, the way it always did no matter how much dignity he was trying to maintain. his tail, which had been rigid, uncurled slightly.
"you are not going to lose me," you said quietly. "one date does not change what you are to me. you understand? this is still your home. you are still my dex."
a long silence. his eyes had closed. the crease between his brows softened.
"...i don't like him," he muttered.
"you don't know him."
"i don't like that you want to." his ear twitched under your fingers. "i don't like the way you said his name when you told me about him. you smiled. you do a specific smile when you're excited about something and you did it about him and i—" he stopped. swallowed. "i didn't like it."
something in your chest ached quietly.
"dex," you said.
"don't." he turned his face away. "don't say it like that."
"i'm not saying anything."
"you're thinking it." he could always tell. it was deeply inconvenient. "you're thinking that i'm being — that it's not my place to—" his tail curled in against his leg. "i know what i am. i know what this arrangement is. i just." a pause. very small. "i don't want him to have what's mine."
the room was quiet.
you kept scratching, slow circles, until the last of the tension drained from him — until his shoulders dropped and his breathing evened and he was just sitting there beside you, warm and sullen and real, radiating reluctant calm.
"fine," he said at last. the word of a man surrendering a battle he'd already lost. he stood abruptly, turning away, and smoothed his shirt down with great dignity. "go. have your date." the word landed like something slightly spoiled. "i'll be here. suffering."
"i know you will."
"i want you to think about that."
"i'll think about it the whole time."
he glanced back at you over his shoulder — green eyes catching the light, sharp and soft at once — and then he walked out. you heard the couch receive him. heard the pointed, performative silence of a creature making absolutely certain you understood the scale of his sacrifice.
you picked up your bag.
you went on your date.
the door clicks shut behind you and you just — stand there for a moment.
shoes still on. bag still slung heavy over your shoulder. the particular exhaustion of an evening spent performing okayness weighs across your shoulders like lead, pulling at every muscle. you'd known it within the first twenty minutes — his laugh cutting sharp over your words, dismissing them before they could land. that 'joke' about women and ambition, eyes flicking to yours with a challenge masked as charm, waiting for you to bristle or bite back. the endless grind of smiling through it all, nodding at stories that looped back to him, giving chances you'd already burned through because you'd slipped into that slinky red dress, earrings glinting just so, hoping — god, just once — for easy connection.
for someone to see you without the performance. it wasn't easy. far from it.
then the end: his face flattening into petulance when you sidestepped his lean-in, lips pursing like a child denied a toy. eyes turning cold, confirming the knot in your gut had been right all along — two hours of red flags waving in your face.
you sigh. long and hollow, dragging up from deep in your chest, rattling loose the tension knotted there. you bend to wrestle off your heels — and dex is there. soundless as always on bare feet padding from the hallway, lean frame materializing like shadow given form. his sharp green eyes sweep your face, unblinking, that feline intensity reading every micro-twitch, every sag in your posture. those soft black ears twitch forward slowly from his messy dark hair, tail stilling mid-sway behind him. he reads you now, deep as bone.
"what happened," he says, voice low and smooth with that faint accent curling the edges, not 'how was it' or 'home early' — straight to the hurt, because his therapy companion instincts sniff it out like blood in water.
"i'm fine," you murmur, the automatic lie slipping out, throat tight around it. dex crosses the room in three fluid strides, tail tip flicking once before coiling loose. he reaches first for your bag, lifting the strap from your shoulder, easing the weight without rush, setting it precise by the door. then he crouches, long fingers wrapping your ankle steady, sliding off one heel, then the other. he handles them with that obsessive care — thumbs brushing faint dirt from the soles, lining them neat beside the bag like artifacts.
standing tall again, his green gaze locks back on yours, ears perking hopeful yet wary. "what happened," quieter now, laced with that whiny edge he gets when worry gnaws him. something lodges sharp in your throat.
"he was—" you falter, swallow hard. "it was boring at first. then worse. talked over me, made these... comments. like testing if i'd snap. and at the end, when i didn't kiss him goodbye, he just—" your hand gestures vague, limp, capturing the pettiness without voicing it. "i'm fine. just tired. emotionally wrung out."
his ears flatten a fraction, tail lashing once sharp before he reins it. jaw sets firm, that underlying predator gleam flashing in his eyes — the part beyond the whines and nuzzles, the reminder he's built for protection too.
"come here," he murmurs, arms opening wide. you don't hesitate. step into him, folding against his lean chest, and dex envelops you completely — one arm banding solid across your back, the other cradling your head to tuck your face into his shirt. no gradual testing tonight, no playful encroachment; just total, immediate surround. his heart thuds steady under your cheek, tail curling possessive around the back of your knee, furred tip stroking soothing circles.
"i know," he whispers into your hair, breath warm, voice cracking soft. a beat of quiet. "i folded all the laundry while you were gone. all of it. even the fitted sheet."
"the fitted sheet," you echo, muffled against him, a faint huff escaping. "perfectly. first try." his tail tightens playful at your knee. "i'm very impressive when i'm anxious. paced the place, ears pinned back, tail thrashing holes in the rug almost. but it's done. everything crisp, scents mixed with mine now — so you smell me everywhere. safe."
the laugh bubbles up real this time, small and ragged, cracking the exhaustion. it shifts the weight — doesn't vanish it, but spreads it thin across his hold, making it bearable. dex rumbles then, low in his chest: that involuntary purr kicking to life, vibrating through you like a engine warming slow. he catches himself sometimes, ears flicking embarrassed, but tonight? he lets it roll free, deep and steady, chasing your tension away.
you melt deeper into him, fingers threading his messy hair, scratching light behind those sensitive ears. he keens soft — a whiny hitch in his throat — body trembling faint as he nuzzles your temple, claws tipping out just enough to knead gentle rhythms down your spine through the dress. "no one gets to make you perform," he murmurs, lips brushing your ear, voice dropping husky. "not like that. you're mine to care for. mine to make feel good."
his hands slide lower, palms cupping your ass firm, kneading the flesh as he grinds slow against you — cock hardening thick through his pants, pressing insistent into your belly. the purr deepens, tail snaking up to tease under your skirt, fur tickling inner thighs. "let me erase him," dex breathes, teeth grazing your neck light, not marking yet but promising. "fuck the tired out of you. fill you till you only feel me."
he spins you gently, backs you to the wall without breaking hold, mouth claiming yours in a deep, languid kiss — tongue stroking slow, tasting your weariness away. claws hook your dress straps, tugging them down to bare your tits, cool air pebbling nipples before his palms cover them, thumbs circling firm. you arch, whimpering into his mouth, and he whines back — needy, obsessive — free hand dipping between thighs to stroke your cunt through panties, fingers pressing soaked fabric right where you ache.
"wet already," he groans, tail thrashing excited. "for me. always." he yanks panties aside, two fingers sliding deep into your cunt, curling precise to stroke that inner spot, thumb rolling your clit steady. his mouth drops to your neck.
"you smell like him," he whines, voice cracking with raw need, his mouth latches on, sucking hard, teeth grazing as he pulls deep purple hickeys into your skin—marks that scream ownership. one after another, from your pulse point to your collarbone, blooming like violent flowers. his lips roam everywhere, kissing your jaw, your throat, your shoulders, sloppy and frantic. "never leave again. Please.. you're mine. only mine."
"am i better?" he pleads, lifting his head, eyes wild and vulnerable. "tell me i'm better than that fucker." he couldnt handle his anxious, pretty owner liking someone better than him.
you meet his gaze, the exhaustion melting under his intensity. “you’re better in every way dex, no one compares to you. you’d never be annoyed if i didn’t kiss you goodnight."
dex's ears twitch, a scowl twisting his face, low growl rumbling. 'how dare that fucker. annoyed you wouldn't kiss him? he doesn't deserve to breathe your air. i’ll kill him.’
you sigh into his mouth, lips parting, and kiss him deep—tongue tangling with his. he yips in bliss, tail uncurling to lash wildly, but dominance surges. he’s gentle as he takes your dress over, slipping it over your head as he lifts your bra up to latch fangs on your nipple, sucking hard enough to bruise. 'good girl. only kiss me. only me.'
he drops to his knees suddenly, claws shredding panties aside with a riiiip, face burying between thighs. tongue laps flat over your clit, then plunges into your cunt alongside fingers — lapping your taste like he was starved, faint stubble rubbing against your skin, nose bumping your clit as he whines, "so wet for me. taste so fucking good. better than anything." his tail coils your leg high, holding you open as he sucks your clit hard, teeth grazing light, humming purrs vibrating straight through. his tongue plunges sloppily into your pussy—lapping broad, messy strokes, fangs grazing folds, slurping your arousal like starving.
"dex— fuck—" you gasp, hips bucking, hands fisting his hair in your grip.
"cum on my tongue," he begs muffled, slurping louder, face soaked glistening. "drown me. show me you need this." fingers pump faster, scissoring stretch, tongue flicking clit rapid. you shatter — thighs quake clamping his head, cunt pulsing floods over his mouth. dex drinks it down, groaning whiny, not stopping till you sag limp.
then he's up, pants shoved down, cock springing free — long, thick, veined, tip glistening. he lifts you easy, legs wrapping his waist, large, warm hands supporting your ass as he notches and thrusts home slow, stretching your spasming walls inch by inch.
"fuck," he hisses, bottoming deep, forehead to yours. hips roll languid at first, grinding deep circles, letting you adjust, feel every ridge drag your insides. his mouth finds your tits — sucking one nipple deep, teeth nipping, tongue flicking — while claws prick harmless your hips, holding steady. then his hips are snapping sharp, plap-plap-plap echoing. he growls, spinning to the couch, sitting heavy with you straddling face-to-face. hands bruising your hips, guiding each bounce, cock spearing up ruthlessly.
you ride hard, grinding down, clit rubbing his base grind-grind. "harder," he pleads whiny, hands spanking your ass. "fuck yourself on my cock. tell me i'm better. beg for my cum."
"better— so much— please, dex, fill me," you whimper, walls clenching vise.
he snarls, thrusting up savage, one hand slapping so hard he leaves a red handprint. you cum again, screaming, cunt spasming floods around him. he doesn't stop — flips you prone on the couch suddenly, mounting from behind, his knees spread wide, cock plunging deeper with each thwack, a pleasant burn created by his balls smacking your clit.
"mine," he whines broken, pounding relentlessly, fingers drawing messy, sloppy circles on your clit. "cum again. again. forget him." round after round — you shatter a third time, fourth, body wrecked shaking, overstimulated sobs mixing moans. dex bites down on your nape, all possessive as he whines and cries soft sobs into your ear.
you’re too far gone to hear a word.
"gonna breed you," he begs, hips stuttering. "fill this cunt full. leak me days. never want another." hot jets erupt deep — pulsing, grinding to push every rope in. cum squelches out a squirt with each thrust, but he keeps fucking through it, chasing your fifth orgasm, sixth — till vision whites, mind going soft and blank with the heavy weight of dex pressed into your back, his cum filling you up.
spent and boneless, you slump, legs and cunt twitching, breaths ragged. you can vaguely feel dex petting your hair softly, kissing your temple as he grinds to push every pulse in. he trembles, purring broken through his release, nuzzling your marked neck as cum starts leaking slow down your thighs, once both of your heartrates settle, his cock slips free.
he lets out soft purrs at how relaxed and comfortable you are now, all marked up inside and out with him, and waits till your breaths are even, then ghosts silent — tail still, ears perked. hours blur in your fucked-out haze before he curls back possessive, blood-flecked but clean, purring low. "all better now. no one takes you from me."
002 . PROJECT ── BENJAMIN / DESPERATE TO PLEASE, EAGER TO KEEP
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NOTES : your therapy animal contract needs a renewal, and dex got to it before you did, hiding it away in the kitchen just to stay a little longer.
WARNINGS :demi-humans, kitty!dex, dex is bullseye, possession, fingering, scenting, female oral, domesticity, purring, soft!dex, cat ears and tail, domestic, needy behaviour, whining, raw sex, creampie, tail wagging, unestablished relationship, nipple pinching, couch sex, devotion kink, begging, hiding important documents, desperate man, overstimulation, praise kink, good boy used.
CONFIDENTIAL MATERIAL ── 18+ ONLY.
you find the letter on the kitchen counter.
you almost miss it — it's tucked under the fruit bowl, official letterhead face-down, the way dex had clearly placed it hoping you wouldn't notice for as long as possible. the companion agency's logo in the corner. your name typed neatly.
review period concluding. renewal or contract termination to be confirmed by—
you look up.
dex is standing in the hallway.
he's been there a while, you think. watching you read it. his green eyes fixed on your face with that unblinking intensity, tracking every microexpression, and his ears are doing the flat-but-trying-not-to-look-flat thing that means he's been anxious about this for longer than he's let on.
"when did this arrive," you say.
"four days ago." no hesitation. no apology.
"dex—"
"i wasn't ready for you to see it." his tail curls tight against his leg. "i needed more time before you—" he stops. jaw working. "before you decided."
the word decided sits in the room between you.
"come sit down," you say.
"i'd rather stand."
"dex."
he comes and sits. perches, really, on the very edge of the couch cushion, spine straight, hands braced on his knees. every line of him wound tight. this is the least comfortable you have ever seen him in this apartment — in the space he'd claimed as his with such absolute certainty — and something about that makes your chest ache badly.
"it's a formality," you start. "the renewal is just—"
"don't." his voice is very controlled. "don't tell me it's a formality before you've told me what you're going to do. i can't—" a breath. "don't be kind before. it'll make it worse."
you look at him properly.
his eyes are too bright. his ears completely flat. he's holding himself very still the way he does when he's trying hard not to do something his body wants to — nuzzle into you, or press his face to your neck and just breathe until the world makes sense again.
"what are you afraid of," you ask softly.
something cracks, slightly, in his composure.
"they'll reassign me," he says. "that's what happens if you don't renew. they'll send someone to collect my bag and put me with someone else and i'll have to learn a different apartment and different routines and—" his hands press harder into his knees. "they won't be you. and i won't know where you are."
"dex—"
"i folded your laundry," he says, and the non-sequitur lands like something desperate. "i know how you take your tea and i know which mug you want on bad days and i know you need ten minutes alone when you get home before you're ready to talk and i know—" his voice drops. "i know the sound you make when you're finally relaxed. i've been learning you. every single day. and you can't—" he exhales hard. "you can't just send that somewhere else."
the room is very quiet.
"i'm not sending anything anywhere," you say.
he looks up.
"i'm renewing. i was always going to renew, dex. i just hadn't gotten around to—"
he's across the room before you finish the sentence.
not graceful about it — nothing like his usual fluid deliberate movement. just suddenly there, on his knees in front of the couch, face buried in your lap, arms wrapped around your waist with the desperation of someone who has spent four days holding a fear at arm's length and has just been allowed to put it down.
his ears come all the way up.
you put your hand in his hair, find the spot behind his ear, and scratch slowly.
the purr that comes out of him is immediate and completely involuntary and very, very relieved.
"you should have shown me the letter," you say.
"i know." muffled. utterly unbothered by the undignified position he's currently in.
"four days, dex."
"i was catastrophising. i do that." a pause. "you knew that when you kept me."
when you kept me. like he's something you chose. something you'd do again.
"yeah," you say quietly. "i did."
his arms tighten. the purring deepens.
outside, ordinary saturday sounds. inside, just this — dex slowly unknotting himself from four days of private terror, and you holding the back of his head, and the enormous simple relief of a creature who has just learned he gets to stay.
"i'm not going anywhere," he mumbles into your lap.
"i know."
"i mean it. i'll be very difficult to get rid of."
"i'm aware."
"i'll hide my bag."
"dex."
"i'll learn to forge your signature on the non-renewal form."
"dex."
he tilts his head up. green eyes, bright and warm and terrifyingly fond, looking up at you from your lap like you are the only fixed point in his entire world.
"thank you," he says. simply. quietly. the most unguarded you've ever heard him.
you look down at him — this ridiculous, needy, fiercely devoted creature who knows your bad-day mug and has spent four days quietly panicking rather than just ask you — and feel something in your chest settle into place with the finality of something that was always going to end up here.
"you're welcome," you say. "now get up off the floor."
"in a minute."
he stays there for considerably longer than a minute.
his breath warms your thighs through your pants, steady now but laced with soft whines that vibrate against your core. the purring rumbles deeper, a constant hum as his nose nudges higher, inhaling your scent like it's his lifeline. fingers clutch your hips, pulling you closer, his tongue darting out to lick tentatively at the fabric over your pussy.
you shift, parting your legs wider, and he takes it as permission—desperate, eager. 'let me taste you,' he whimpers, voice muffled, green eyes pleading up at you. his hands tremble as they unbutton your pants, yanking them down with your underwear in one frantic tug, exposing your slick folds. cool air hits your wetness, but his hot mouth follows instantly, lips sealing around your clit, sucking with starving pulls.
a sharp moan escapes you, hand fisting his hair tighter, scratching that spot behind his ear. he keens, high and needy, the sound turning into a growl as his tongue plunges deep into your pussy, lapping at your juices like he's dying of thirst. slurping noises fill the room, wet and obscene, mixed with his whines—'please, need this, need you'—gasped between long licks that drag from your entrance to your swollen nub.
his ears flick forward, tail thumping against the floor in rhythm with his bobbing head. he devours you, nose grinding your clit while his tongue fucks in and out, curling to hit that ridge inside. your thighs quake, clamping his head, but he pushes deeper, fingers spreading your ass cheeks to lick lower, rimming your hole with filthy swipes before sucking your pussy lips into his mouth.
'good boy,' you murmur, and he shudders violently, purring so hard it buzzes your clit. precum leaks from his cock, tenting his pants, but he ignores it, focused only on your pleasure. two fingers thrust inside you, thick and curling, pumping fast while his lips lock on your clit, teeth grazing just enough to spark fire. squelching sounds echo as he fingerfucks you, your arousal dripping down his chin, soaking his shirt.
you buck against his face, chasing the build, and he whines louder, desperate slurps turning frantic. 'cum on my tongue, please, i'll do anything,' he begs, voice breaking, eyes locked on yours—pure devotion shining through tears of effort. the pressure snaps, orgasm crashing over you, pussy clenching his fingers as you flood his mouth. he drinks it all, moaning like it's nectar, tongue scooping every drop while you ride out the waves on his face.
panting, you pull him up by the hair, his lips glistening, green eyes wild with want. 'now fuck me,' you command, and he scrambles to obey, shedding clothes in a blur. his cock springs free—thick, veined, tip weeping—slapping against his belly. you straddle him, grinding your wet pussy along his length, slick folds coating him as he bucks up, moaning your name. 'fuck me like you own me,' he begs, fingers digging into your hips. you sink down, impaling yourself on his cock, walls stretching tight around his girth. he thrusts up hard, pounding deep, balls slapping your ass with every brutal drive.
you both cry out, his whine pitching high as your walls grip him tight. he pounds into you on the couch, hips snapping with bruising force, balls smacking your ass. his mouth latches onto your nipple, sucking hard, teeth grazing the peak while his hand slides between you, thumb circling your clit. pleasure spikes, your juices dripping down his shaft as you ride him faster, breasts bouncing.
the couch creaks under you, skin slapping loud, his purrs mixing with guttural grunts and your gasps. sweat beads on his forehead, ears pinned back in ecstasy now. you rake nails down his back, and he yelps, thrusting wilder, chasing your pleasure over his own. 'make me cum again,' you demand, and he angles his hips, grinding your clit with his pelvis while his cock batters deep.
'you're mine,' you gasp, clenching around him, milking his cock. he flips you onto your back, pinning your wrists above your head, slamming in deeper, cockhead battering your cervix.
'yours, always yours,' he sobs, leaning down to kiss you messily, sharing your taste. his hand finds your breast, pinching the nipple hard, twisting as he ruts deeper, cock dragging your g-spot with every plunge.
second orgasm builds fast, his whines frantic—'yes, yes, take it'—as you shatter, milking him ruthlessly. he follows seconds later, roaring your name, hot cum erupting in thick ropes, painting your insides white. he keeps pumping through it, oversensitive thrusts drawing whimpers from him, until he's spent, collapsing half on you, cock softening inside.
he collapses onto you, cock still twitching inside, both panting. 'renewal or not, i'll always be yours,' he whispers, kissing your neck softly now, devotion etched in every touch.
000 . PROJECT ── BENJAMIN / THE CURE FOR A PANIC ATTACK .
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NOTES : you sign up for a therapy animal, a grown ass man with ears and a tail shows up at your door instead. he's okay you guess.. he helps out around the house and he's pretty too. but then you have an anxiety attack and he gets creative!
you'd heard about therapy animals changing lives, but nothing prepared you for the day the adoption agency delivered your new companion. the doorbell rang on a rainy afternoon, and there he was—not a fluffy kitten in a carrier, but a tall, lean man with subtle feline features: soft black ears twitching atop his messy dark hair, a long tail swishing behind him, and sharp green eyes that locked onto yours with an intensity that made your stomach flip.
'benjamin poindexter,' he introduced himself in a smooth, slightly accented voice, his tail curling around his leg as he stepped inside, carrying a small duffel bag. 'but call me dex. i'm here to help with your anxiety. think of me as your personal therapy companion—grown-up edition.'
at first, it was surreal. dex adapted quickly to your apartment, his demi-human nature blending domestic helpfulness with an endearing whininess. he'd pad around on bare feet, ears perking up at every sound, insisting on folding your laundry with meticulous care. 'let me do that for you,' he'd purr, his tail brushing your calf as he took the basket from your hands, his lithe muscles flexing under his simple t-shirt. when you cooked, he'd hover in the kitchen, chopping vegetables with surprising precision—'i don't want you stressing over dinner,' he'd whine softly if you tried to help, his ears flattening in plea. evenings found him curled on the couch beside you, head resting on your lap, purring vibrations rumbling through his chest to soothe your frayed nerves after a long day.
but dex's desperation to please went deeper, a needy edge to his affection that made your pulse quicken. he'd nuzzle your neck during movie nights, his warm breath tickling your skin, whispering, 'am i doing good? tell me i'm helping.' his hands would linger on your thighs, claws retracted but fingertips tracing light patterns that sent shivers up your spine. you noticed how his pants tented sometimes when he was close, his cock straining against the fabric, but he'd always pull back with a whine, ears drooping. 'sorry, i just... i want to make you feel better. all the way.'
the first real test came a week in, during one of your worst anxiety attacks. work had piled up, deadlines looming like storm clouds, and suddenly you were hyperventilating on the bedroom floor, chest tight, vision blurring. dex appeared instantly, his tail lashing in concern as he knelt beside you.
'hey, hey, breathe with me,' he cooed, his voice a soft whine laced with urgency. he gathered you into his arms, strong yet gentle, his purr starting low and building until it vibrated against your back. but when the panic didn't ebb, he shifted, his ears twitching as he pressed closer, one hand stroking your hair while the other rested on your hip.
'this always works for my kind,' dex murmured, his green eyes wide and pleading. 'when we get overwhelmed, we... we connect deeply. physically. it grounds us, releases the tension.' you blinked through tears, confusion mixing with the fog in your mind. he nuzzled your ear, tail wrapping around your waist. 'please, let me show you. just sit on me—cockwarm me. feel me inside you, warm and still. it'll calm the storm in your head, i promise.' his whine turned desperate, body trembling against yours. 'i need to help you. let me be useful.'
hesitant but desperate for relief, you nodded, and dex's face lit up, ears perking straight. he guided you to the bed, stripping off his shirt to reveal a toned chest dusted with faint dark hair, his tail flicking excitedly. 'i'll take care of everything,' he assured, unbuttoning your jeans with careful claws, sliding them down your legs along with your panties. cool air hit your exposed cunt, already slick from the intimacy of his touch, and dex inhaled sharply, his cock twitching visibly in his pants. he shimmied out of them next, his thick length springing free—veined and curved slightly, the tip already beading with pre-cum.
'lie back,' he whined, positioning himself on the mattress, cock standing rigid against his stomach. you straddled him slowly, heart still racing but curiosity overriding fear. dex gripped your hips, guiding you down until the head of his cock nudged your entrance. 'easy, just sink onto me,' he breathed, his voice breaking into a needy mewl as you lowered yourself. inch by inch, he filled you, stretching your walls with his girth, the heat of him pulsing inside your cunt. you gasped at the fullness, bottoming out with his cock buried to the hilt, your clit grinding against his base.
'oh fuck, yes,' dex groaned, tail thrashing wildly, but he held still as promised, hands roaming your sides in soothing strokes. 'feel that? i'm all yours. warm, deep—holding your anxiety away.' his purr intensified, a deep rumble that traveled through his cock into your core, making your inner muscles clench around him involuntarily. the sensation was electric, a grounding pressure that slowly unraveled the knot in your chest. you rocked experimentally, not thrusting, just settling deeper, and dex whimpered, claws lightly pricking your skin without breaking it. 'don't move too much yet... i wanna stay like this, pleasing you.'
minutes stretched into what felt like hours, your breathing syncing with his purrs. the panic faded, replaced by a hazy warmth spreading from where you were joined. dex's desperation shone in his eyes, whiny pleas slipping out: 'am i helping? tell me it's working—your cunt feels so good gripping me.' emboldened, you began to shift, grinding your hips in slow circles, his cock dragging against your sensitive spots. he bucked once, a whine escaping, but reined himself in, letting you control the pace. 'use me, please. i'm your therapy—fuck, you're soaking me.'
as the anxiety dissolved into arousal, you rode him harder, lifting and dropping onto his shaft, the wet sounds of your cunt swallowing his cock filling the room. dex's tail coiled around your thigh, pulling you closer, his ears flattening in ecstasy. 'harder, let it all out on me,' he begged, thrusting up to meet you now, balls slapping against your ass with each plunge. you clenched around him, chasing the building orgasm, and he cried out as his control snapped. 'gonna fill you, mark you as mine to calm you anytime.'
he came with a shudder, hot spurts of cum flooding your cunt, the sensation tipping you over the edge. you cried out, walls milking him dry as waves of release crashed through you, anxiety utterly vanquished. dex held you close afterward, still buried inside, purring contentedly. 'see? i told you. anytime you need it, just cockwarm me—or more. i'm here to please, to fuck the worry away.'
from then on, dex's role evolved. mornings started with him waking you by lapping at your cunt with his rough tongue, whining until you came on his face. he'd clean the house naked, tail high, cock half-hard and ready if you so much as sighed in stress. evenings were for deeper sessions: he'd tie his tail around your wrist like a leash, begging to bend you over the counter and pound your cunt while you folded clothes, his whines turning to growls of possession. 'let me fill you up my love—it's better than any pill.' he'd hilt himself in your cunt, thrusting slow and deep, claws digging into your hips as he filled you with cum, leaving you plugged with him purring in afterglow.
one night, after a particularly brutal day, dex sensed your building tension from across the room. 'come here, let me fix it,' he whined, dropping to his knees and crawling to you, ears low in submission. he nuzzled your thighs apart, burying his face in your cunt, tongue delving into your folds to suckle your clit. 'taste so sweet when you're stressed—gonna eat this cunt until you forget everything.' his mouth worked relentlessly, fangs grazing your clit as he finger-fucked you, curling his fingers to hit that spot until you squirted on his chin, his tail wagging like a pleased dog's.
but cockwarming became your ritual. during panic spirals, he'd strip you gently, positioning you in his lap on the couch, sliding his throbbing cock into your cunt—whichever way you craved the intimacy. 'just sit, feel me throb inside,' he'd murmur, hands massaging your breasts, pinching nipples until you moaned. sometimes he'd stay soft at first, growing hard within your heat, the slow swell adding to the intimacy. other times, he'd beg to move: 'please, ride me—use my cock to chase the bad thoughts away.' you'd bounce on him, mewling with soft moans while his whines spurred you on until he came, pumping load after load as your orgasms synced.
dex's helpfulness extended to every kink you discovered. he'd beg to be your footstool while you worked, cock leaking pre-cum onto the floor, whining for a reward fuck. or he'd pin you playfully, tail tickling your sides, before flipping you to eat your cunt, tongue delving deep while his fingers plunged alongside. 'i live to serve you—let me make you cum so hard you sleep like a kitten.' his desperation never waned; if you ignored him, he'd paw at your door, mewling until you let him in to worship your body.
dex wasn't just therapy, he was an addiction. a whiny, tail-wagging demi-human who turned every anxious moment into erotic release, his cock the ultimate anchor. and as he curled around you each night, still dripping from your shared climaxes, you knew you'd never go back to a normal life.
003 . PROJECT ── POINDEXTER AND MURDOCK / SIT, STAY, BARK LIKE A BITCH
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NOTES : you are going to foster a blind puppy called matty, dex doesnt like the idea of this. but he hates the fact you want to keep matt murdock even more.
WARNINGS : demi-humans, kitty!dex, dog! matt, possession, fingering, scenting, female oral, domesticity, purring, dog/cat ears and tail, jealousy, dex is bullseye, matt is daredevil, raw sex, creampie, mating press, voyeurism, exhibitionism, unestablished relationship, hair pulling, marking, biting, body worship, overstimulation, good girl used, competition, no sharing in this one.
CONFIDENTIAL MATERIAL ── 18+ ONLY.
dex finds out the same way he finds out about everything he doesn't want to know — you tell him casually, without preamble, without any of the softening that the information genuinely warrants, like it isn't going to detonate quietly in the middle of an otherwise perfectly acceptable monday afternoon.
"the agency called," you say, not looking up from your phone, thumb scrolling through something with complete serenity. "apparently there's a companion who hasn't been placed. blind. they said he's been waiting a while and nobody's come forward and i just thought—"
"no," says dex.
"i haven't finished."
"you don't need to." he sets down the fitted sheet he'd been folding — sets it down with rather more force than linen requires, smoothing it once with his palm in a way that is not entirely about the sheet — and turns to look at you with his arms crossed over his chest and his tail already doing the low, slow sweep that means the situation has been assessed and found wanting. "the answer is no. whatever comes after i just thought — no."
"dex, he has nowhere to go."
"then the agency will find him somewhere. that is, presumably, what the agency is for." he says it reasonably, which is to say he says it in the voice he uses when he wants credit for being reasonable while also being completely immovable. "this apartment is not a shelter."
"he has nowhere to go," you say again, softer this time, setting your phone down and giving him the full weight of your attention, which is exactly the thing he'd been hoping you wouldn't do. "he's been in the facility for months. nobody's come forward because of the disability and i just — i couldn't see the listing and do nothing, it didn't feel right."
dex looks at you. you look back at him. his tail does one long, deliberate arc and settles.
"it's a trial," you say carefully. "just to see if it works. a few weeks, completely low pressure, and if it doesn't work then we reassess. that's all."
"a trial," he repeats, tasting the word like it's something he's not sure he wants to swallow. "so not even a decision, it's a process — a process you've already set in motion, that i'm finding out about now, this afternoon, while i'm doing the laundry." he picks the sheet back up because his hands need something and the sheet is there and he folds it with the focused, meticulous care of a man who is being very grown up about everything and would appreciate if someone noted that. "how long has this been happening."
"it wasn't really a plan, it was more — i saw the listing last week and i enquired just to get more information and then they called back and things moved a bit faster than i expected and—" you stop. you do the face. he has a whole internal catalogue of your expressions and this one — open, a little sheepish, softly certain — is the one that has preceded every argument he has ever lost. "he's a puppy, dex. just a little blind dog. he's been in that facility since he was born and nobody wanted him because they took one look at the disability and decided it was too much trouble and i just — his name is matty." you say the name like it's a closing argument, like something called matty is simply impossible to refuse, like you know exactly what you're doing and you do. "i couldn't leave him there."
dex stands in the middle of the living room with the fitted sheet in his hands and says nothing for a long moment. his jaw is set. his broad shoulders, already carrying the particular tension of a man who had been having a perfectly fine afternoon, draw back slightly like he's bracing himself against something he can already feel the shape of. "matty," he says.
"matty."
"a blind puppy called matty who is going to live here."
"just for the trial—"
"and this is the first i'm hearing of it." he doesn't shout. dex never shouts, he considers it beneath him, but the careful flatness of his voice communicates the shout perfectly well without it. he takes the sheet to the bedroom because the laundry needs finishing and also because he needs a different room, and you follow him, which he expected, materialising in the doorway while he opens the wardrobe with perhaps slightly more force than necessary and begins stacking things inside with architectural precision.
"baby," you say, and he feels his ears move toward the word before he can stop them, a small involuntary tilt that he corrects immediately and hopes you didn't notice. you noticed. "talk to me."
"i'm talking." he smooths a pillowcase flat against the shelf. "i'm saying that i think it would have been reasonable to be included in this decision before it became a fact. that's all. i'm not making a scene." he closes the wardrobe, picks up the empty basket, moves past you into the hallway and then into the bathroom because there is always something to be done in the bathroom and right now he needs a task more than he needs to be right. the bathroom is already clean — he cleaned it thursday, he cleans it every thursday — but the mirror could be polished and he finds the cloth under the sink and starts on it, working in slow, firm circles, his reflection watching him from behind the smear he's clearing away.
you appear in the doorway behind him, arms folded, shoulder against the frame. "your tail is doing the thing," you say.
"my tail is fine."
"dex, it hasn't stopped since i put my phone down."
he glances at it in the mirror. it is, in fairness, still doing the low, measured sweep of something working through feelings it hasn't fully processed yet. he makes a conscious effort and it stills, mostly. "i simply feel," he says, returning to the mirror with great dignity, "that a decision involving a living creature coming into our home — a dog, specifically, a dog that will require things and make noise and take up space — might have warranted more than a conversation that started with apparently and gave me no opportunity to respond before it was already decided." he polishes a section of mirror that is already perfectly clear. his reflection looks back at him, jaw tight, the muscles in his shoulders shifting under his shirt as he works. "that's a reasonable thing to feel."
"it is," you say, which throws him slightly because he'd been braced for an argument. "it's completely reasonable and i should have told you sooner. i know that."
he keeps polishing the mirror. there is nothing left to polish. he polishes it anyway. "how much stuff has already arrived," he says.
the small pause that follows tells him everything before you even speak. "just the essentials," you say carefully.
he puts the cloth down and goes to the hall cupboard and opens it, and stands there in the hallway taking in the evidence of a decision made without him. two ceramic bowls, pale blue, paw prints printed on the side in white — two of them, sitting on a mat shaped unmistakably like a bone, which he finds completely unnecessary as a design choice. behind the bowls, folded with some care, a round dog bed in a soft cloud print that is frankly more thoughtfully chosen than anything dex owns, thick and cushioned in a way that suggests someone spent real time in the shop deciding. he stands there with one hand on the cupboard door and the other braced against the frame, the breadth of his shoulders filling the hallway, and he looks at it all for a long, quiet moment.
"the mat is shaped like a bone," he says.
"it's cute."
"the bowls have paw prints on them." he reaches out and picks one up, turns it over in his hands, sets it back down exactly where it was. "there are two of them."
"water and food, that's just standard—"
"i know what two bowls means," he says, and there is something in his voice that is not quite anger anymore, something lower and more complicated than that, and he closes the cupboard and walks to the kitchen and turns on the tap. he rolls his sleeves up to his elbows and begins doing the dishes. the dishes that are done. he did every one of them this morning, washed and dried and stacked with his usual care, but he runs the hot water and picks up the sponge and starts again from the beginning, working through the glasses first, then the mugs, then a plate that absolutely does not need attention, his broad back to you and the line of his shoulders rigid and deliberate, every movement controlled in the way that means the control is doing a lot of work right now.
you come and stand behind him. you don't say anything for a moment, just exist at his shoulder, close enough that he can feel the warmth of you, and he scrubs a mug that was already clean with the focused energy of a man who has redirected everything into limescale that does not exist.
"dex," you say softly.
he scrubs the mug.
"baby," you say, softer, and you reach up — and he knows what you're going to do and he almost moves away, almost, but your fingers find the base of his left ear and scratch, slow and deliberate, right at the spot where the fur is softest and where every single thing he's been holding tightly in his chest simply — loosens, without his permission, without any input from him whatsoever, his body making unilateral decisions as it always does when you do that. the long breath that leaves him is embarrassingly involuntary. his shoulders, which had been up around his ears, drop a full inch. his hands slow in the water.
"that's not fair," he says, but the edges have gone out of it.
"i know," you say, still scratching, working slow circles, and he stands at the sink with his wet hands and his eyes half closed and his tail doing one long, reluctant, settling sweep behind him like it's giving up on being angry independently of him. you step closer and he feels you rise up and then your lips press to his cheek — warm and unhurried, a proper kiss, not a peck — and something in the last of his resistance simply folds.
"he's just a puppy," you murmur, your cheek against his. "i promise you, dex. just a little blind puppy who needed somewhere to go, that's all this is."
he stares at the water in the sink for a moment. then he says, "saturday," in a voice that has mostly just accepted the situation.
"saturday," you confirm, gently.
"fine." he picks the sponge back up, and you stay at his side a moment longer, your hand trailing from his ear to his shoulder and then away, and he listens to you pad back down the hallway and stands in the kitchen and finishes the dishes, all of them, slowly and with great thoroughness, until the water goes cold and the rack is full and there is absolutely nothing left to clean.
saturday comes the way saturdays do when you've been dreading them all week — suddenly, with too much light coming through the curtains and no amount of willpower sufficient to make it not be saturday.
dex is up before you. you find him in the kitchen at half past eight, already dressed in dark trousers and a clean shirt with the sleeves rolled to his forearms, already making tea, already occupying the space with the specific energy of a man who has decided that today is going to be completely fine and has been up since seven constructing that decision. the flat is immaculate in a way it wasn't when you went to bed. he has reorganised the kitchen cupboards — you can tell because the mugs are alphabetical now, which they have never been — and the surfaces have the particular gleam of someone who has been cleaning since before sunrise. you decide not to mention any of this.
"morning," you say, and your voice is still soft with sleep.
"morning." he doesn't look up from the kettle immediately, but when he turns to hand you your mug — the right one, the wide one with the slightly chipped handle that you always want on saturdays, without being asked, without any discussion, just handed to you because he knows — his green eyes move over your face in that careful, cataloguing way and then settle into something neutral. his ears are doing the barely-there low tilt at the tips, the almost-imperceptible flatness that only happens when he's managing something internally and doesn't want you to see the effort it's taking. "what time are you leaving," he says.
"around ten. i want to get there early so he has time to settle before the journey back." you wrap both hands around the mug and lean against the opposite counter and watch him. he has his own tea but he's not drinking it, just holding it, thumb moving in a slow absent arc against the ceramic. "you could still come," you say.
"i'm busy," he says, with the pleasantness of someone who has prepared this answer.
"dex, it's half eight on a saturday."
"i have things i want to get done." he says it in a way that is perfectly calm and perfectly final and leaves no opening, and you look at him for a moment — at the pressed shirt and the alphabetical mugs and the too-still tail and the ears he can't quite convince to sit right — and you make the decision not to push it. he's here. he's making your tea. he reorganised the cupboards at some point in the small hours because he needed to do something with all of it, and that is, in its own dex way, a form of acceptance.
"okay," you say simply, and he blinks, just slightly, like he'd been braced for more resistance and isn't entirely sure what to do with the absence of it. you finish your tea and go to get dressed, and when you come back through he's moved to the couch with a book open across his knees, legs stretched out, reading with the focused attention of a man who is absolutely not counting down the minutes.
you gather your bag and your keys and your jacket and you stop in front of the couch and look down at him, and after a moment he looks up. his green eyes meet yours and stay there, and for a second all the composure and the careful neutrality goes very quiet and it's just him looking at you, all that complicated warmth he carries around and never quite says out loud sitting right at the surface.
you reach down and scratch behind his ear, slow and proper, the way that works, and his eyes close before he can decide not to let them. you lean down and press a kiss to his cheek, hold it there for a moment, your hand still in his hair.
"i'll be back by noon," you murmur. "he is just a puppy, baby. i promise you. just a puppy."
"go on," he says quietly, after a beat. "you'll be late."
you straighten up and go, and the door clicks shut behind you, and the flat settles into a quiet that feels slightly different from the usual saturday morning quiet — fuller, somehow, or perhaps just heavier. dex sits on the couch with the book open to a page he stopped actually reading some time ago, and one hand raised almost to the cheek you kissed, hovering there for a moment before he registers what he's doing and sets it back down on the cushion. his tail moves once, slowly, and then is still. outside the window the city is doing its ordinary saturday activities.
the drive over is fine. perfectly fine. you have the address pulled up on your phone, the windows cracked just enough to let in the cool of the morning, and a bag of supplies sitting on the back seat that you'd packed the night before with the careful optimism of someone who has done their research. treats, a soft blanket, a little collar tag with your address on it that you'd had engraved at the pet shop on the high street while the man behind the counter made small appreciative noises about what a responsible owner you were. you'd felt good about that. you'd felt prepared. you'd spent the whole week reading about blind dogs — about scent mapping and sound cues and the importance of consistency, about never rearranging furniture without warning, about how they were just as capable and loving and full of personality as any sighted dog, just navigating the world differently. you felt ready. you felt, if anything, slightly over-ready, which was the most comfortable place to be.
it's only when you pull into the car park and cut the engine and look up at the building that the ready feeling starts doing something odd and complicated in your chest.
you sit there for a moment with your hands still on the wheel, looking at the logo above the entrance. the clean lettering, the small emblem beside it. you know that emblem. you know it the way you know your own address or the sound of your own front door — intimately, without having to think about it, because you have been looking at it on paperwork for a month now. it's on the welcome pack in your kitchen drawer. it's on dex's placement forms, filed neatly in the folder you keep on the second shelf. it's on every piece of correspondence the agency has ever sent you, always in the top left corner, always the same.
it is the same agency.
you sit with this. your very reasonable brain offers a very reasonable explanation — companions come from agencies, matty is a companion, this is the agency, and that is simply what logistics means and there is nothing strange about it whatsoever. they probably have an entirely separate department for animals. a different floor, different staff, a completely distinct operation that happens to share a building and a logo because that is how large organisations work. you are here to pick up a blind puppy and take him home and everything is going to be completely straightforward. you pick up your bag and get out of the car.
the receptionist is the same woman who processed dex's paperwork a month ago, sitting at the same desk with the same efficient warmth, and she looks up when you push through the glass doors into the cool hush of the reception and her face does the immediate, genuine thing of recognition, which is both nice and faintly destabilising.
"hi," you say, with the confidence of someone who has done this before, shifting your bag onto your shoulder and crossing to the desk. "i'm here for the foster pickup — matthew. matty. we spoke on the phone last week."
her whole face softens with the particular relief of someone for whom matthew has been a prolonged source of collective office concern. "of course, yes," she says, typing quickly. "we're so glad someone came forward, he's been with us for a while now." she glances toward the corridor that runs behind the desk and then back at you with a warm, faintly amused expression that you don't yet have the context to interpret correctly. "he was in one of the prep rooms this morning — last i saw him he was just getting his suit on. he's very punctual, so he shouldn't be long at all."
you look at her.
"his suit," you say.
"mm." she says it with the total ease of someone stating a simple and unremarkable fact about matthew, the way you might say he prefers the window seat or he takes his coffee black. "he always dresses properly for first meetings. very particular about first impressions."
you stand at the desk and feel the bottom of something drop out, quietly and then completely, like a lift whose cable has given way. the word suit is sitting in the air in front of you and the receptionist is looking at you with a pleasant open expression and giving no indication whatsoever that a dog wearing a suit is an unusual thing to have said. the listing, you think suddenly. the listing had no photograph. no age. just the sparse careful language of it — companion, blind, long wait, no current placement — nothing that would have told you anything concrete about who was actually behind it. you had filled in the blanks yourself, helpfully, with the image of something small and warm and four-legged, and the listing had let you.
you are about to say something — the question is fully formed and pressing urgently at the back of your throat — when you hear footsteps in the corridor behind the desk.
they are even and unhurried, with the particular intentional quality of someone who knows precisely where everything is and is moving through the space with quiet confidence, each step placed deliberately. underneath the footsteps, a soft rhythmic tap against the floor. and then the door at the end of the corridor opens, and matthew murdock walks in, and every version of this morning that you'd imagined evaporates completely and simultaneously.
he is tall. considerably taller than anything you'd been picturing, and broad through the shoulders in a way that his very well-fitted charcoal suit does nothing to conceal. his hair is dark and neatly kept, and sitting on top of it, rising to sharp alert points, are a pair of german shepherd ears — black tipped, the inner fur a warm tan, angled forward with immediate attentive precision as he steps through the door, scanning the room the way ears do when they are doing all the work that eyes usually do. his tail, the same black and tan colouring, sweeps in a single slow arc behind him as he enters — not the frantic uncontrolled wag of excitement but the careful measured movement of someone whose tail is registering feelings that the rest of him is doing its best to manage professionally. he has a white cane in his right hand, the tip sweeping a short practised arc across the floor in front of him, and he is wearing a white shirt with a deep red tie knotted cleanly at his throat, and over his nose sit a pair of black sunglasses, dark and opaque, giving nothing away. his face beneath them is open and calm, angled in your direction with the careful attentiveness of someone who is listening to the room rather than looking at it. his eyes, just barely visible above the frame of the sunglasses when he tilts his head, are a warm brown, and completely, perfectly still.
he smiles. it is an easy smile, genuinely warm, with a self-deprecating quality at the edges that suggests he has walked into rooms and produced this specific reaction in people many times and has built his entire approach around making it as painless as possible for everyone involved. "hi," he says, and his voice is low and warm with a new york cadence underneath it that sounds pleasantly incongruous in the grey london morning. "you must be the foster placement." his cane hand stills. he extends his other hand toward you — toward the exact location of you, with an accuracy that prickles the back of your neck in a way you can't quite account for — and his tail does one more careful, hopeful arc. "matt murdock. really glad to meet you."
you look at his hand. you look at the ears, tall and pointed and swivelled precisely toward the sound of you. you look at the tail. you look at the sunglasses. you look at the suit, which is, objectively, extremely well fitted, and you think about the bag in your car with the treats and the blanket and the little engraved collar tag from the pet shop on the high street that says matty in a cheerful rounded font with your home address underneath it.
you shake his hand. "hi," you say. your voice sounds surprisingly normal. "it's really good to meet you."
his ears angle forward a fraction and something shifts in the quality of his attention — sharpens, imperceptibly — and you have the sudden uncomfortable feeling that your heartbeat is currently providing him with a great deal more information than you are consciously offering. "the agency mentioned you've already got a companion at home," he says pleasantly, his tail settling into its slow sway. "that's a real relief to hear. the settling-in period is so much easier when the placement already understands how things work."
"yes," you say. "dex. he's been with me about a month." something moves across matt's face at the name — very quick, very small, smoothed back into pleasantness before you can name it. his ears shift, a fractional backward tilt before they correct themselves forward again, and he nods in the easy way of someone filing information carefully away.
"great," he says, and moves on without making anything of it.
the receptionist slides the paperwork across the desk with the expression of someone who considers what has just occurred to be entirely above her pay grade to comment on. you sign everything. your hand moves through the boxes on autopilot while your brain performs rapid and not particularly successful calculations about the journey home and what comes after it. matt stands a polite distance away, cane in hand, ears making their small constant adjustments to the sounds of the building around him, tail doing its patient measured sway, and you look at him — the suit, the sunglasses, the german shepherd ears — and think about the bone-shaped mat in your hall cupboard, and sign the last box, and pick up your bag.
"ready?" you say.
"been ready," he says, and smiles, and reaches down for his duffel bag with the clean immediate confidence of someone who has never needed to search for anything in their life.
the car is very quiet for the first thirty seconds.
matt is in the passenger seat with his duffel at his feet and his cane resting between his knees and his hands folded in his lap, doing the thing you will come to recognise as distinctly matt — head slightly tilted, those tall pointed ears angled forward, taking in the sounds and smells of new york through the cracked window with the focused patience of someone building a picture of it carefully from scratch. his ears track the sound of the indicator as you pull out of the lot. they shift sharply toward a cab that leans on its horn two lanes over, then settle again. he is quiet but not uncomfortably so. it is the quiet of someone paying very close attention rather than someone who has run out of things to say.
you make it to the end of the block before you say, "so," and he turns his face toward you and smiles, and his tail — curled carefully around the base of the seat, doing its best to be considerate about the limited space — does a small warm movement.
"so," he agrees, in that low new york cadence that is somehow both completely at home in this city and entirely new to you.
"i feel like i should apologise again about the bowls," you say.
"please don't," he says, with complete sincerity. "it means you care. that's honestly the part that matters." he says it simply, without any hint of condescension, and somehow that makes it worse and better simultaneously. his ears swivel slightly toward the road ahead — some quiet monitoring function running underneath the conversation — and then return to you. "can i ask what made you reach out? the listing said you weren't actively looking."
"i wasn't," you say. "i saw it on the agency's website and i couldn't stop thinking about it. it said he'd been waiting a while and nobody had come forward and i just kept coming back to it every time i picked up my phone." you check your mirror, switching lanes. "it didn't feel right to scroll past and do nothing."
something in matt's expression shifts, softens quite considerably, and he turns his face forward. his tail does a slow genuine sweep against the side of the seat. "that's kind," he says quietly, in a way that sounds like he means it as something larger than a pleasantry. "that's genuinely kind."
"i also now own a bone-shaped mat that serves no conceivable purpose," you say, and he laughs — a real one, low and sudden, his head ducking in a way that makes both ears tilt forward charmingly. you find yourself smiling before you've decided to.
"i'll try to find a use for it," he says, and the laugh settles into something easier. he shifts in the seat, the careful prep-room formality loosening noticeably, and a comfortable silence sits between you for a moment, easy and unforced, the sounds of the city filling the gaps. and then he says, quite casually, "there's already someone at home."
"dex, yeah," you say. "about a month."
matt nods, and there is something in the quality of the nod — unhurried, unsurprised, considered — that makes you glance at him sideways. "feline," he says. not a question.
"how did you—"
"i could smell him on you," matt says, with the complete matter-of-factness of someone reporting a simple observable fact, the way another person might mention noticing a colour. "from the moment you walked into the reception." he says it without any particular weight, like something he has been holding in his pocket since you shook his hand and saw no reason not to mention now that it's come up naturally. "cat, definitely. been around you long enough to be well settled into your clothes, your hair." the corner of his mouth moves slightly. "whoever he is, he was pretty thorough about it this morning."
you think about dex pressing his face to your hair before you left, the slow deliberate way he'd rubbed his cheek against yours, the arm that had stayed around your waist a beat longer than necessary, the low satisfied sound he'd made when he'd finally stepped back. you think about him at the kitchen sink the week before saying i'm fixing it with total seriousness, working his scent methodically back into your skin after the date. "that's — yes," you say. "that's one word for it."
matt's ears angle forward with the quality they get when he finds something interesting and is being carefully diplomatic about the extent of his interest. he doesn't push. "how's he settling?" he asks instead. "with you, i mean. a month is still early days."
"he's good," you say, and find you mean it in a way that's considerably bigger than the word. "he's very much at home. possibly more at home than i am, honestly. he reorganised my kitchen in the first week. alphabetically." you pause. "i found out this morning he'd done it again sometime before seven."
matt is quiet for a moment. "he was anxious," he says simply. "about today."
"you got all that from alphabetical cupboards?"
"i got all that from four layers of him on you and the fact that the most recent one was very fresh," matt says, with absolute calm, and your hands tighten slightly on the wheel. "he was thorough. and recent. and—" he adds, with the careful precision of someone choosing exactly how much to share, "stressed. felines do that when they're worried about something leaving." he leaves it there, and you have the impression he is being quite selective about the full extent of what his nose has been telling him since you walked through that reception door, and that you should probably be grateful for the restraint.
you think about dex on the couch with the upside-down book. about the alphabetised mugs. about the way he'd held your face for just a moment before you left, like he was making sure he had it right.
"right," you say.
"i want to be upfront," matt says, shifting slightly to angle himself toward you, hands easy in his lap, "that i have every intention of being respectful of that. i knew there was already a companion in place when i read your profile and i still wanted to come because—" he pauses, considers. "i thought i could be useful. and i thought i'd like to know you." he says it plainly, without dressing it up or walking it back. "but i'm not going to make his life difficult."
"he might make yours a little difficult," you say honestly.
"i've handled worse," matt says, with the quiet certainty of someone whose definition of worse would probably genuinely alarm you, and his tail does one slow arc against the seat. they fall into easier conversation after that — you talk about the neighbourhood, about the building, about how long you've been in the city — and somewhere in the natural back and forth of it you say, "the agency didn't tell me much about you. the listing was pretty sparse."
"mm," matt says, in the tone of someone who is aware of this and finds it reasonable.
"no photo," you say.
"no."
"no age."
"no."
"very convenient," you say.
"very practical," he corrects, mildly, and his tail does one slow unrepentant arc. "i find people make better decisions when they're not working around assumptions." he says it with the measured ease of a man who has thought carefully about this and landed on phrasing that is both honest and strategically incomplete. you are beginning to understand that this is simply how he operates.
"so what should i know about you?" you say. "that wasn't on the listing."
"i'm a lawyer," he says, and says it the way he says everything — simply, without any performance of it. "criminal defence. i have a practice here in the city." he shifts the cane slightly between his knees. "the companion work is separate. i do it through the agency voluntarily, when there's a placement i think i can genuinely help with. i review profiles and reach out directly if i think there's a good fit. i don't do it often."
you look at him — the suit, the cane, the sunglasses catching the midmorning light, the tall sharp ears swivelling almost imperceptibly toward the sound of a siren a few blocks over. "you're a criminal defence lawyer," you say, "who does therapy companion work in his spare time. voluntarily."
"when you say it like that—"
"i'm building the picture," you say. "i'm not criticising."
the corner of his mouth lifts. "i find it useful," he says, more quietly. "the legal work gets heavy. spending time with someone who just needs a calm presence — no case, no argument, no outcome to fight for — it straightens me out. probably helps me as much as it helps them, if i'm honest." a pause. "you could argue it's selfish."
"i wouldn't," you say, and he smiles, and his tail does a small warm movement.
"i read your profile," he says then, the conversation turning naturally, "and i thought i'd like to meet you. so i flagged my interest with the agency and asked them to reach out. i wanted to see if you'd feel the same way in person." a beat. "i hope that's not too forward."
"you're already in my car," you point out.
"fair," he agrees.
"i should say," you tell him, "that i wasn't looking. i want to be clear about that. i saw the listing and i felt for him — for matty—" you say, and hear the name land differently now, carrying new and complicated weight, "and i acted on it. but i wasn't in the market for another companion."
"i know," he says. "it said so on the listing." a small pause, and then, with the calm of someone who considered this outcome and came anyway: "i came anyway."
you look at the road. "that's a very lawyer thing to do," you say.
"probably," he agrees, pleasantly, and says nothing else about it.
the conversation drifts after that, comfortable and unhurried, moving through easy territory — the city, the neighbourhood, the particular character of hell's kitchen where he grew up, which he describes with the particular affection of someone who has a complicated relationship with a place and has made peace with the complexity. his ears are a constant quiet presence, tracking and adjusting, occasionally pricking sharply at something in the street before settling. he is easy to talk to in a way that sneaks up on you, the kind of easy that doesn't announce itself.
and then, somewhere in the middle of it, your brain does the thing it's been quietly constructing toward for the last several miles, and offers you, without warning, the image of dex. not the dex of this morning, performing unbotheredness at the kitchen counter with his reorganised cupboards and his upside-down book. an earlier one. the dex who had turned up at your door a month ago in the rain with a duffel bag and introduced himself with that smooth certain formality and said think of me as your personal therapy companion — grown-up edition, who had made himself so completely and immediately part of the fabric of your days that you had never once stopped to look at the seam.
you think: dex must have had a job.
the thought, once arrived, won't leave. of course he did. of course he had something before your door — a practice, a career, a whole professional existence he'd either set aside or simply walked away from to come and live in your apartment and fold your laundry and hover in your kitchen insisting you weren't to stress about dinner. matt is a lawyer with a practice, who does this in the gaps of a whole full life, who made a deliberate choice and still has everything he had before. and dex had shown up with a duffel bag and stayed, and you had taken it entirely for granted, the way you take for granted all the things that are simply always there.
you wonder, for the first time, what he left at the door.
"what does he do?" matt asks then, conversationally, as though he has been following the shape of your silence and has decided to hand it back to you. "dex. does he work, or—"
"i don't know," you say, and the admission sits in the car between you and feels considerably heavier than it should. "he hasn't mentioned it. i've never asked."
matt is quiet. he is very good at being quiet in a way that isn't empty.
"he's just always there," you say, and you hear it as you say it — the shape of it, what it holds and what it leaves out — and something quiet and unexpected opens up in your chest. not guilt exactly. something gentler than guilt and more complicated, a small retroactive ache for a version of dex you'd never thought to look for, sitting right alongside the warmth that's always there when you think about him, and you don't quite know what to do with the combination.
"you could ask him," matt says gently.
"yeah," you say.
"might be a good conversation to have."
"yeah," you say again, quieter, and stare at the road, and think about dex in the apartment at the end of it.
you are so far inside your own head by the time you park that you barely register the walk from the car to the building. matt follows you — easily, unhurriedly, his cane sweeping the familiar rhythm, his ears tracking the sounds of the street and the lobby with the quiet focus of someone building a new map — and you hold the door and he thanks you and you cross the lobby and hit the elevator button and stand there in the kind of silence that happens when someone is thinking very loudly.
matt stands beside you. he doesn't say anything. his ears are angled forward, attentive, and his tail does one slow patient arc behind him.
the elevator opens. you get in. you hit your floor on autopilot. the doors close.
"you've gone quiet," matt says, in the elevator.
"i'm fine," you say.
"your heart's been doing something interesting since about twelve blocks back," he says, not unkindly.
"that's a very personal observation."
"sorry," he says, and sounds mostly like he means it. "habit."
the elevator opens on your floor and you walk — still mostly on autopilot, keys already in your hand, the particular muscle memory of coming home engaged and operating independently of your higher functions — down the hallway toward your door. you are thinking about dex. you are thinking about what you're going to say when the door opens. you are thinking about the bone-shaped mat. you are thinking about what dex did before your door, and whether you should have asked sooner, and what matt is going to make of the paw-print bowls in the cold light of your actual kitchen, and whether dex is going to smell matt before you've even got the key in the lock, and whether —
"hey," matt says, from just behind you.
you stop.
you turn around. he's a pace back from you, cane stilled, head tilted very slightly. his ears are pricked high and sharp and forward, angled toward your door with an attention that is not casual. his nose has lifted, just fractionally, and the expression on his face is unreadable behind the sunglasses but his tail has gone very still.
"he's right on the other side of that door," matt says, quietly.
you look at your door. you look back at matt.
"i can smell him," matt says, in the same quiet, even tone. "clearly. he's close." a small pause, and then, with the careful delivery of someone choosing their words: "and he already knows we're here."
you stare at your door. behind it, the apartment is silent. perfectly, completely silent, in the way that is not the same as empty — the particular held quality of a silence that is listening.
you think about dex's nose. about what he's been doing since you left this morning, about the fresh air coming under the door, about whatever his extraordinary senses are telling him right now about the person standing in the hallway next to you.
you grip your keys.
"okay," you say, mostly to yourself.
"take your time," matt says, with the easy patience of someone who has genuinely got all day and would like you to know it.
you take a breath.
before you can even get the key in the lock the door swings open from the inside, and dex fills the frame.
he must have heard the elevator. or smelled you coming down the hallway. probably both — you've learned over the past month that very little happens within a reasonable radius of dex without dex knowing about it, and right now every one of those senses is working overtime. his green eyes go to you first, quick and assessing, and for one single second there is naked relief in them — you're home, you're back, you're here — and then they slide to matt, standing just behind your shoulder, and everything changes.
his whole body changes.
the relief closes off like a door swinging shut. his shoulders, already broad, seem to draw back and widen simultaneously. his ears, which had been tilted forward toward you, flatten at the tips in a way that has nothing to do with sadness and everything to do with something considerably more territorial. his tail stops moving entirely. he goes very, very still in the specific way of a cat who has assessed a situation and found it wanting, and his green eyes move over matt with a slow, deliberate attention that takes in everything — the height, the shoulders, the suit, the cane, and the ears, especially the ears, those tall sharp german shepherd ears that are angled with calm and alert interest back in dex's direction — and his jaw tightens.
you watch dex's nostrils flare, very slightly.
you watch something flicker in his expression that you can't entirely name — recognition, almost, the particular quality of someone who has encountered a scent before in a different context, a scent that is pulling at the edges of a memory he hasn't filed under this — and then it's gone, smoothed over by the much more immediate and pressing business of the stranger standing in his hallway.
matt, for his part, has gone quite still. not tense — nothing about matt reads as tense exactly — but still, in the considered way of someone who has just clocked something and is being thoughtful about his next move. his ears are forward. his tail has stilled to a slow, careful sway. his face is politely, serenely unreadable behind the sunglasses. he is angling himself very slightly away from dex in the manner of someone who understands body language and is doing their best to communicate that they are not a threat, which is either instinct or training and possibly both.
the two of them exist in the hallway for approximately three seconds of complete silence.
then dex reaches out, gets one hand around your arm with the easy proprietary certainty of someone who has never once questioned their right to do this, and pulls you firmly past the threshold and into his chest, wrapping an arm around your shoulders in a way that is warm and is also very clearly a statement of position. his chin comes to rest on the top of your head. his green eyes, over your hair, stay fixed on matt.
"who," dex says, in a voice that is extremely pleasant in the way that a warning can be pleasant, "is this."
you are pressed against dex's chest listening to his heart beat at a slightly elevated rate and staring at matt in the hallway and you are trying very hard to locate the right words in the correct order.
"and," dex continues, in the same pleasant and deeply dangerous tone, "where is the puppy."
matt's ears do a very small forward tilt. his tail, briefly, wags once. he schools it immediately.
you close your eyes for one single moment.
"benny," you say.
"don't call me that," dex says, automatic, tightening his arm.
"dex," you say. you feel him look down at you. you look up at him. his green eyes are doing the full complicated thing — possessive and worried and already deeply, instinctively suspicious of the man in the hallway — and you hold his gaze and say, as clearly and calmly as you can manage, "this is the puppy."
a pause.
"this," dex says, "is not a puppy."
"the listing said—"
"the listing," dex says, with a quiet and focused intensity, "said puppy."
"the listing said companion," matt offers, helpfully, from the hallway, in his low new york cadence, and dex's eyes cut to him with the speed and precision of something very well aimed.
"i don't remember asking you," dex says.
"dex—"
"his name is matthew," you say, pressing on before this can develop further, "matthew murdock, he's a demi-human, the listing — there was no photograph, there was no age, i didn't know, i genuinely did not know, and i know that this is—" you gesture between the three of you, which encompasses a significant amount of situation, "not what either of us were expecting but he had nowhere to go and i'd already signed the paperwork and—"
"you signed the paperwork," dex says.
"before i knew—"
"you signed paperwork for a man," dex says, with great precision, "to live in our apartment."
"it's a foster placement—"
"and brought him home," dex continues, looking back at matt with the expression of someone building a case, "in your car, on a saturday morning, without telling me that this was—" he stops. something moves across his face. he looks down at you again, then back at matt, then back at you, and his nostrils do the thing again, that brief barely-there flare, and his eyes narrow very slightly at the edges. "you smell like him," he says, quietly. "you've been in a car with him for — how long have you been in a car with him."
"twenty minutes," you say.
dex makes a sound that is not quite a growl and not quite a word and is somewhere between the two.
matt clears his throat, very gently. "i could wait in the hall," he offers.
"you could go back where you came from," dex says pleasantly.
"dex," you say.
"i'm just saying—"
"you're being rude."
"i'm being accurate," dex says, and looks down at you with his arm still firm across your shoulders and his tail still completely motionless and his green eyes doing the wide, slightly wounded thing underneath all the territorial posturing, and you can see it — the thing underneath — the same thing that had been there all week in the alphabetised mugs and the pre-dawn cleaning, the four layers of himself he'd worked into your hair and your clothes this morning before you left. he hadn't been preparing the apartment. he'd been bracing himself. "you said a puppy," he says, quieter, just to you. "you said a small blind puppy called matty."
"i know," you say.
"that," he says, with a slight incline of his head toward matt, "is not a small blind puppy called matty."
"no," you agree. "he's a tall blind lawyer called matthew."
dex stares at you.
"murdock," matt supplies, from the hallway, in the tone of someone who has decided that being helpful is the correct strategy and is committed to it. "matt's fine."
dex closes his eyes briefly. he opens them. he looks at matt standing in the hallway with his cane and his suit and his german shepherd ears angled with patient and attentive calm in dex's direction, tail doing its careful measured sway, and something moves through his expression that is deeply complex and ultimately lands somewhere that looks a great deal like a man confronting a situation he cannot fold or reorganise or clean into a manageable shape.
his arm stays around your shoulders. it tightens, fractionally.
"come in then," he says, in the voice of a man making the worst of a situation with as much dignity as he can locate, and steps back from the door, taking you with him.
matt steps inside.
his ears are high and forward, building the apartment in the quiet way he does everything, and his tail is doing its careful hopeful sway, and dex watches every inch of it with the focused green-eyed attention of a cat who has just been told, against all reasonable expectation, that the dog is staying.
you stand in the middle of your apartment between a criminal defence lawyer with german shepherd ears and a therapy cat who has been alphabetising things since before dawn, and you think about the paw-print bowls in the kitchen cupboard, and the bone-shaped mat, and the little engraved collar tag that says matty in a cheerful rounded font.
"so," you say brightly, to no one in particular.
neither of them says anything.
"so," you say again, into the silence, and then decide that standing in the middle of the apartment achieving nothing is not a viable long term strategy. "let me show you around, matt. it's not a big place but i want you to know where everything is."
matt smiles, easy and grateful, and shifts his cane. "i'd actually — if it's okay, it helps me more if someone walks me through it directly. holds my hand, shows me the space. builds the picture faster than the cane alone." he extends his free hand toward you, open, palm up, the simple uncomplicated gesture of someone making a practical request.
you take it. it's a perfectly natural thing to do. you do it without thinking about it.
the sound dex makes is very quiet and completely involuntary and communicates an enormous amount of information.
you look at him. he is standing with his arms folded across his chest and his tail doing a single sharp disciplined flick, and his green eyes are fixed on your hand in matt's with the focused intensity of someone doing advanced mathematics about something that is making them furious. his expression is pleasant. it is the pleasantness of a man who has decided to be civilised about this if it kills him, and it may kill him.
"kitchen's this way," you say, and lead matt forward.
the kitchen is small and well-organised — alphabetically, currently, in a way that matt obviously cannot see but dex clearly feels deserves acknowledgment. matt runs his free hand along the counter as you walk him through it, light and methodical, cataloguing edges and surfaces and distances with the quiet efficiency of someone for whom this is simply how you learn a space. he asks a few questions — where the mugs are, which way the tap turns — and you answer them and it is all perfectly practical and entirely reasonable.
"our kitchen," dex says, from the doorway, conversationally. "mine and hers. we have a system."
"it's alphabetical," you say, to matt.
"i didn't do it alphabetically," dex says. "i did it logically. the alphabet is logical."
matt makes a small sound that might be the beginning of a smile, very quickly retired. "makes sense," he says pleasantly.
"yes," dex says. "it does."
you show matt the bathroom next, walking him through the layout, his hand still in yours, and dex materialises in the hallway just outside the door with the air of someone on a self-appointed supervision detail. "bathroom," he says, before you can. "one bathroom. we share it."
"is there a schedule?" matt asks.
"there's an understanding," dex says.
"what's the understanding?"
"that it's our bathroom," dex says, with great clarity. "mine and hers. it works the way it works because there are two of us and we know each other's routines and adding a third—" he gestures, briefly, at the general concept of matt. "it's a small bathroom."
"i don't take long," matt says pleasantly.
"wonderful," dex says.
the living room goes similarly. you walk matt through it — the couch, the coffee table, the layout, the window and which direction it faces — and dex stations himself by the bookshelf and watches with his arms folded and his ears at the particular angle that means he is performing casual observation while actually cataloguing every single detail with absolute precision. his eyes track matt's free hand as it moves along the edge of the coffee table, along the back of the couch, building the room by touch, and something in dex's expression tightens in a way that isn't quite jealousy and isn't quite suspicion and is uncomfortably close to both.
"nice space," matt says, turning his head slowly, ears doing their quiet sweeping work.
"we think so," dex says. "it took time to get right. we've arranged it the way it works for us."
matt nods as though this is useful practical information. his tail does one brief controlled wag that he shuts down immediately, and you are fairly certain that underneath the sunglasses something is happening that dex would find deeply provoking.
you lead matt toward the bedroom and dex is ahead of you somehow — you genuinely did not see him move, he is profoundly unsettling when he chooses to be — standing in the doorway with his shoulder against the frame, looking for all the world like he just happened to end up there.
"and this," you say, "is the bedroom."
"our bedroom," dex says, immediately, with the emphasis of a man who prepared this and has been waiting to deploy it. "mine and hers." he pauses, and something shifts in his face — something that doesn't quite make it all the way to the surface — and he adds, quieter and with considerably less performance in it: "i don't always sleep in here. sometimes i'm on the couch. when it's — when i need the quiet. but it's still our room. that's not — it doesn't change the arrangement."
you look at him. he doesn't look back at you. his jaw is set and he's looking at a point somewhere past matt's shoulder, and you know better than to say anything about it, so you don't.
matt, for his part, has gone very still in the way he does when he's received a piece of information he's choosing to handle carefully. his ears have stilled. "i understand," he says, and says it simply, without any weight on it, which is exactly the right thing to say and you notice that he knew that.
"good," dex says, and the word comes out slightly less sharp than he intended.
you walk matt back to the living room and he settles on the far end of the couch, naturally and without fuss, cane leaning against the cushion beside him, hands in his lap. his tail curves around the base of the couch in a way that is polite about the territory it occupies. he takes up space comfortably without apology, and dex watches all of it from across the room with the focused, calculating attention of a cat who has decided something is wrong and cannot yet prove it.
"you can put your things somewhere if you like," you say to matt, looking at the duffel at his feet. "i can help you unpack, get you settled—" you reach for the zip and matt's hand closes over yours, very gently and very quickly, before you get there.
"no," he says, and then, immediately, recovering the ease: "no, thank you. i have a system for how things are packed. it helps me find things. easier if i do it myself." he smiles, warm and open, and settles the bag back against the side of the couch with a naturalness that is just slightly too practiced. just slightly too considered. "i really appreciate it though."
you straighten up. "of course," you say.
there is a small silence.
dex, from his position by the bookshelf, is looking at the duffel bag. not glancing at it — looking at it, with the fixed, narrow-eyed attention of someone who has noticed something and is deciding what to do about having noticed it. his tail is completely still. his head is tilted at the precise angle of someone running a very fast and very quiet calculation.
"system," he says, after a moment.
"sorry?" matt says.
"you have a system," dex says, pleasantly. "for how your bag is packed. that's interesting."
"i'm blind," matt says, equally pleasantly. "systems help."
"of course," dex says. "of course they do." a beat. "what's in it."
"dex," you say.
"friendly question," dex says, without looking at you. "we're getting to know each other. what's in the bag, matthew."
matt smiles. it is an excellent smile — open, easy, giving nothing whatsoever away. "clothes," he says. "toiletries. a couple of work files in braille." he tilts his head very slightly. "and a snickers, if anyone wants one."
"we're fine," dex says.
"i'll have one," you say, mostly to be contrary.
dex looks at you. you look back at him. matt produces a snickers from a front pocket of the bag — not the main compartment, you notice, the front pocket — and holds it out in your direction with the accuracy that still catches you slightly off guard, and you take it, and dex watches this transaction with an expression that has moved beyond territorial into something more focused and considerably more dangerous underneath the pleasantness.
the room settles into a silence that has a great deal of texture to it. you look between the two of them — matt, composed and unhurried on the far end of the couch, the duffel bag sitting against his calf with his hand resting on top of it with the ease of something positioned rather than placed — and dex, arms folded, green eyes doing their sharp and unrelenting work, ears just slightly forward in the way they go when he's listening very carefully while pretending to do something else entirely.
something is happening in this room that you don't have the frequency for.
you'd seen it in the hallway — the flicker in dex's expression when he'd first clocked matt, that quarter-second of something beneath the territorial displeasure. and matt, who had been calm and easy and open in the car for twenty minutes, had gone fractionally too still in the doorway when dex appeared. just for a moment. just long enough.
two people meeting for the first time who react like people who are remembering something.
you don't know what to do with that so you don't do anything with it.
"i'll put the kettle on," you say, into the silence.
"great," dex says, not looking at you.
matt's hand stays resting lightly on top of the duffel bag, and dex's eyes stay on the bag, and the room hums with something quiet and unresolved, and you go to put the kettle on and decide that however this afternoon goes, you are going to need the tea.
you come back from the kitchen with two mugs of tea and a glass of water for matt — you'd remembered, from the car, that he hadn't said anything about tea and you weren't sure — and set them on the coffee table and distribute them and the whole thing takes maybe forty-five seconds during which dex has apparently been busy.
"the bowls are in the kitchen," dex is saying, when you tune back in, in the pleasant conversational tone that means he is being absolutely deliberate about every word. "ceramic ones. pale blue. paw prints on the side." he pauses. "she picked them out herself. spent time on it."
matt has his hands around the glass of water and his expression is serene. "that was kind of her," he says.
"there's a bed as well," dex continues. "in the hall cupboard. cloud print. orthopedic." another pause, weighted and precise. "for a puppy. which is what she was expecting." he lets that sit for a moment like a stone dropped into still water. "there's also a mat."
"dex," you say.
"shaped like a bone," dex says.
"i'm aware of the mat," matt says pleasantly.
"just making sure you had the full picture," dex says. "given that you can't—" he gestures, vaguely and insufferably, at matt's sunglasses.
the silence that follows is very brief and very pointed.
"dex," you say, in a different voice this time. the voice that means you are not asking.
dex looks at you with the expression of a man who feels entirely justified and is choosing not to say so out loud, which somehow communicates it more clearly than if he had. his tail flicks once. his ears stay at their carefully neutral angle.
"i'm being informative," he says.
"you're being rude," you say. "again. stop."
something moves across his face — not quite chastened, not quite apologetic, something more complicated than either — and he looks away, jaw shifting, and does the thing where he picks up a mug that was already exactly where he wanted it and puts it somewhere slightly different for no reason, just to have something to do with his hands.
matt, for his part, takes a sip of water and says nothing, which is either very mature or very strategic and possibly both.
the trouble is that dex's idea of stopping is relative.
he doesn't mention the bowls again. what he does instead is migrate, gradually and with apparent casualness, from the bookshelf to the armchair to, eventually, the couch — not the far end where matt is, but the middle cushion, which puts him considerably closer to you than he started, and he sits there with his tea and his carefully neutral expression and his tail doing its slow sway, and every few minutes he does something small and deliberate. his arm along the back of the couch behind your shoulders. his knee pressing lightly into yours. his fingers finding your elbow when you reach for your mug, a brief touch that has no practical purpose and is entirely about the fact that matt's nose is approximately fifteen feet away and fully operational.
"you've been in the city long?" matt asks, at some point, of both of you, the way someone does when they're navigating a conversation with more than one person and being polite about the navigation.
"she has," dex says, before you can answer. "i've been here a month." a beat. "we've been here a month. together. it's been good. we have routines." he says routines the way someone else might say roots. the way someone might say mine.
"dex makes dinner," you say, in the spirit of contributing something normal to the conversation.
"every night," dex confirms, immediately. "i know what she likes. i know what she needs." he looks at matt with the open pleasant expression that is doing the most work of anything in the room. "she has anxiety. that's why i'm here. i know her tells. i know when she needs space and when she doesn't and i know—" he pauses, and something shifts in it, something that is less performance and more just true, "— i know how to help. it took time to learn that. it's not something you can just—" another pause. "it's not transferable."
matt turns his glass between his palms. his ears are forward. his tail has stilled. "nobody's trying to transfer anything," he says, gently.
"i know that," dex says.
"do you?" matt says, and says it without any edge at all, which makes it land considerably harder than if he'd sharpened it.
dex looks at him. it is a long look, and a complicated one, and for a moment the pleasantness drops away entirely and they are just two people regarding each other across a coffee table with the focused attention of two people who are each, in their own way, very good at reading rooms and finding them wanting.
you sit between them and eat your snickers.
"i'm just saying," dex says, eventually, and picks up his tea.
"i know," matt says.
and then dex's hand finds yours on the couch cushion between you — not dramatically, not as a statement, just quietly, his fingers closing over yours with the easy certainty of someone who has done this a hundred times and will do it a hundred more — and he holds on, and looks at matt, and matt cannot see the gesture but his nose tells him everything the gesture contains and his ears do one small, almost imperceptible tilt.
his tail wags, once, very gently.
"you have a nice home," matt says, to you specifically, his voice warm and genuine and directed with that unnerving accuracy at the place where you're sitting. "i mean that. it feels like somewhere that's been taken care of."
you look around the apartment — the alphabetised kitchen, the gleaming surfaces, the carefully arranged living room — and then down at dex's hand over yours, and you feel something sit warmly and sadly and complicatedly in your chest all at once.
"yeah," you say quietly. "it has been."
dex's fingers tighten, very slightly, around yours.
he doesn't say anything.
for approximately forty-five seconds, nothing in the room is performing anything.
and then matt sets his water glass down and his ears do their small adjusting sweep and he says, conversationally, "so. the bone-shaped mat. where exactly did you end up putting it?"
"hall cupboard," dex says immediately, with tremendous feeling, and the room cracks open with something that is almost, almost, the beginning of a normal afternoon.
the first few days are fine. mostly fine. the kind of fine that requires some active maintenance but holds together reasonably well on the surface.
matt is easy to have around in the practical sense — he's tidy, he's quiet, he doesn't take up more space than he needs to, and he has the particular self-sufficiency of someone who has been navigating the world alone for a long time and is very good at it. he learns the apartment quickly, the way he'd learned the car, building it in layers — the distances between furniture, the sounds the pipes make, the exact number of steps from the couch to the kitchen doorway. within two days he's moving through the space with a confidence that makes you forget, occasionally, and then remember, and feel briefly guilty for forgetting.
dex watches all of this with the focused, unblinking attention of a cat who has decided something is wrong and is waiting patiently for the evidence to present itself.
they are polite to each other. elaborately, architecturally polite, the kind of politeness that takes considerable effort to construct and maintain and communicates, underneath, a great deal of information that neither of them is saying out loud. matt asks dex about dinner with genuine interest and dex answers him with genuine pleasantness and you sit between them at the kitchen table and eat and think about how a room can be completely quiet and completely full of noise at exactly the same time.
it's on the third night that it starts.
you're most of the way asleep when you hear it — the soft, careful sound of the front door, opened slowly and closed with the deliberate quiet of someone who doesn't want to be heard doing it. you lie there for a moment, blinking at the ceiling, processing. you think about getting up. you decide it's probably nothing — matt going for air, maybe, or dex taking himself to the couch when the noise in his head gets too loud. you've learned not to ask about the couch. it's not your question to push.
you go back to sleep.
the second night, you hear voices.
not loud — never loud, nothing that would wake a normal person, but you're a light sleeper and the apartment isn't big and at two in the morning the quality of silence is different enough that even the suggestion of sound registers. two voices, very low, with the particular compressed tension of people who are arguing while trying not to argue. you can't make out words. you lie there and listen to the shape of it — the rhythm of it, the way it rises slightly and then pulls back, controlled, and then rises again — and then it stops, completely, and the apartment is silent.
you get up.
the living room is empty. the kitchen is empty. the hallway is empty. dex's blanket is on the couch in the particular arrangement that means he's been lying there, but he isn't there now. matt's door — you'd given him the small room you used for storage, cleared out in an afternoon while dex supervised with the expression of someone watching something he disapproves of and is being mature about — is closed. no light under it.
you stand in the hallway in the dark and listen.
nothing.
you go back to bed and lie there for a while looking at the ceiling.
the third night is the glass.
you hear it clearly — the sharp, distinct sound of something breaking, glass on a hard floor, and you're up and out of bed before you're fully awake, pulling the door open, padding barefoot into the hallway with your heart doing something quick and unpleasant in your chest.
the kitchen light is off. the living room is empty. you turn on the kitchen light and stand in the doorway and look at the floor.
nothing. not a shard, not a glint, not a single piece of anything that shouldn't be there. every glass in the kitchen is exactly where it was, sitting in its alphabetically organised cupboard — the door is slightly open, you can see them — whole and undisturbed.
you stand there for a long moment.
you check the hallway. you check the bathroom. you stand outside matt's door and listen and hear nothing and then stand outside the living room and look at the couch and dex's blanket is there but dex isn't, and every surface in the apartment is exactly as it was, nothing moved, nothing broken, nothing out of place.
you go back to bed.
in the morning dex makes breakfast with the focused pleasantness of someone who slept perfectly well and has nothing to report, and matt sits at the kitchen table with his hands around a mug of coffee and his ears in their neutral forward position and his tail doing its careful sway, and neither of them says a word, and you sit between them and eat your toast and decide, for now, not to ask.
you glance at the clock, figuring matt's out for his lawyer business—door clicked shut ten minutes back, his ears perked like always before he bolts into the street. apartment sits quiet now, empty vibe settling in until dex's soft steps trail you toward the bedroom. those vivid green eyes lock on yours, his grin splitting wide, teeth glinting as his tail sways in lazy arcs—pure pleasure lighting his face at the chance to finally touch you without interruption.
he steps close as you turn, body heat radiating, and you meet him halfway. lips brush soft at first, a gentle press that deepens quick—your tongue slips past his teeth, tasting the warm salt of him, drawing a low rumble from his chest. his hands slide up your sides, palms warm and careful, thumbs tracing slow circles over your ribs through fabric. 'been dying for this,' he murmurs against your mouth, voice gravel-thick with want, nipping your lower lip before sucking it tender.
you melt into the kiss, fingers threading through his hair, tugging light to angle his head better. dex groans soft, a needy whine threading the sound, his body pressing flush—chest to chest, hips aligning so you feel his cock hardening against your stomach. soft touches turn insistent but still gentle; his fingers dip under your shirt hem, skimming bare skin, sending shivers racing. he breaks the kiss to trail his lips down your jaw, sucking marks into your neck—wet pops and sighs filling the air as he marks you slow, deliberate.
'more,' you breathe, hands shoving his shirt up and off, exposing the hard planes of his chest. dex's hands cup your face, pulling you back for another kiss, tongues tangling sloppy now, saliva slicking chins. he walks you backward to the bed, easing you down gently, body following to hover above.
his lips wander lower, kissing a path down your throat, collarbone, then latching onto your chest. teeth scrape over the swell of one tit, tugging your shirt aside to bare skin—sucking hard enough to bruise, tongue swirling the pebbled nipple in lazy circles. 'so perfect,' he whispers, voice muffled as he switches sides, marking up your chest with blooming purple bites, hickeys dotting the curves. each suck pulls a gasp from you, your fingers clenching in his hair, hips rocking up instinctive.
dex's grin flashes again, green eyes dark with hunger as he peels your pants down slow, kissing every inch of exposed thigh. 'gonna taste you proper,' he promises, settling between your legs, shoulders nudging thighs wide. his breath ghosts hot over your cunt, folds already slick and swollen, and he dives in soft—tongue flat and broad, lapping from entrance to clit in one unhurried stroke. the wet drag pulls a whine from your throat, body trembling as he settles into a slow rhythm.
he eats you out like it's worship—tongue circling your clit gently, dipping inside to curl against walls, tasting your arousal with deep hums that vibrate straight through you. fingers join soft, one thick digit sliding in easy, pumping languid while his mouth suctions light on the nub. obscene slurps fill the room, mixed with your breathy mewls and his pleased growls—'fuck, you taste so good, dripping for me.' he adds a second finger, scissoring slow, tongue flicking endless as your hips buck, chasing the build.
front door creaks open down the hall—matt's back too soon, boots thudding heavy on the floor, nose likely twitching at the thick scent of sex wafting out. dex pauses a beat, ears flicking, but his grin only widens against your thigh. 'don't stop,' you whine, hands pushing his head back down, and he obeys eager—tongue plunging deeper, fingers curling to hit that spot relentlessly but soft, drawing out your pleasure in waves.
matt's steps falter near the bedroom door, low growl rumbling through the wood, his huff audible as he scents everything—the musk of your pussy, dex's precum-heavy arousal. his back is pressed against the bedroom wall, tail a low thump as he listen to the slick sounds that he is coaxing out of you, but dex ignores it all, lost in you. his free hand strokes your inner thigh softly, thumb rubbing soothing circles while his mouth works magic—sucking your clit slow, tongue lashing tender until you're mewling loud, thighs quivering around his head.
your orgasm builds lazy under his patient assault, cresting soft and shattering—your cry pitches high, walls clenching his fingers as you gush over his tongue. dex laps it all, humming approval, not stopping until you're twitching oversensitive. 'good girl,' he purrs, kissing your pussy gently before crawling up, lips shiny with your juices. another deep kiss shares the taste, his cock—thick, and pretty, with veins pulsing along the shaft. you stroke it firm, thumb circling the head, and he bucks up with a strangled whine, hips jerking, tail thrashing against the mattress.
you pull him closer, soft touches roaming his back, nails dragging light as lips meet again—kissing messy, full of tongue and teeth. dex's hands roam your marked chest, pinching nipples tender, drawing gasps into his mouth. 'need you now,' he whines, voice breaking needy, green eyes pleading. you nod, legs wrapping his waist, and he shifts—hands gripping your thighs, folding you into the mating press, knees pinned to your chest, pussy splayed wide and dripping.
his cockhead teases your folds, before he thrusts in slow—inch by stretching inch burying deep, bottoming out with a wet squelch. you both moan loud—your mewl high and broken, his growl feral rumbling through his chest.
'fuck, so tight,' dex sobs, forehead to yours, green eyes locked intense as hips piston relentless. each plunge batters your cervix, cock dragging against your g-spot ruthless, pussy gushing around him—splattering juices on his thighs with lewd slaps. your whines fill the apartment, mewls pitching desperate—'dex, yes, harder!'—nails raking his shoulders, urging deeper. he marks your chest more, teeth sinking into soft flesh above your heart, sucking bruises while pounding frantic.
matt's stinks of arousal, taking deep smells of your scent, head tilted to listen to every cry and whine you let out, his hand squeezing his cock to each thrust of dex’s hips—sick fucking freak.
'mine, gonna fill you,' he groans, voice cracking with devotion, leaning in for a sloppy kiss—tongues battling wet as an orgasm rips through you. walls spasm wild, milking him as you wail, body locked in the press shaking.
he lets out a cry as hot cum erupts in thick ropes, flooding your tight cunt, cum squirting with each sloppy thrust of dex's hips. dex collapses half onto you, panting ragged into your neck, soft kisses peppering sweat-slick skin. 'staying forever,' he murmurs tenderly, hands stroking your sides gently, even knotted deep.
matt slips away, walking to the front door to slam it, acting as if he just came inside, announcing himself with a shout, “i’m back!”
dex just nuzzles closer, grin pleased and sated, utterly unrepentant as you panic underneath him.
it's about a week in when it happens.
you're on the couch with your feet tucked under you, phone in hand, and matt is at the kitchen table with a pile of papers in braille that he's been working through for the past hour, fingers moving across the pages with a speed that you find quietly extraordinary every time you notice it. dex is in the kitchen making something that smells like it's going to be very good, and the apartment has settled into the particular comfortable rhythm of a saturday afternoon that has nowhere to be.
"matty," you say, without looking up from your phone, "do you want tea?"
the kitchen goes very quiet.
not the quiet of nothing happening. the quiet of something stopping.
you look up. matt has gone still at the kitchen table, papers under his fingers, head tilted very slightly, and there is something in the corner of his mouth that is not quite a smile but is adjacent to one. his ears have done a small involuntary forward tilt.
from the kitchen, nothing. and then the sound of a spoon being set down on the counter with a care that is very deliberate and very controlled.
dex appears in the kitchen doorway.
he looks at matt. he looks at you. he looks back at matt, at the almost-smile at the corner of matt's mouth, at the ears that are still slightly more forward than they were thirty seconds ago, and something happens in dex's expression that moves through several stages very quickly — confusion, recognition, displeasure, and then something beneath all of those that is considerably more complicated and considerably less nameable.
"what did you call him," dex says.
"matty," you say, and then hear it, hear the way it sounds out loud in the apartment, and look at matt, who is now fully and helplessly smiling at the papers in front of him in a way he is doing his absolute best to contain. "it's — i just said it, i didn't—"
"matty," dex repeats, and the word comes out like he's tasting something he didn't order and finding it deeply offensive.
"it just came out," you say.
"you call me benny," dex says, "and i hate it. i have told you repeatedly that i hate it." he points at matt, briefly, with one precise finger. "you've called him matty inside of a week."
"benny is—"
"i hate benny," dex says.
"you always come when i say it," you point out.
"that is a reflexive response and does not indicate—" he stops. his ears are doing the flat-tipped thing. his tail has gone to its slow ominous sway. he looks at matt again, who has composed himself back to neutral with some effort and is sitting with his hands flat on the papers and his face arranged into an expression of peaceful non-involvement. "you think that's funny," dex says.
"i'm not laughing," matt says.
"you were," dex says.
"i was smiling," matt says. "there's a distinction."
"there really isn't," dex says.
you set your phone down and pull your feet off the cushion and sit up properly and look at dex in the kitchen doorway — the flat ears, the still tail, the green eyes doing their complicated work — and you know, because you have been learning him for a month, that the thing underneath the territorial performance is not actually about the name. it is about the way a name sounds when someone says it without thinking. the way matty had come out of your mouth the same way dex does — easy, automatic, already fitted into the shape of your daily life without you noticing it get there.
dex has noticed.
"dex," you say, gently.
"i'm fine," he says.
"come sit down," you say.
"i'm making dinner."
"it's three in the afternoon," you say.
"i'm preparing dinner," he says, with dignity, and turns back to the kitchen, and you listen to him pick the spoon back up and resume whatever he'd been doing, and the rhythm of it is just slightly more forceful than it was before.
matt turns his face toward you from across the room, and his ears are forward and his expression is gentle and he doesn't say anything, which is the correct response, which he knew without being told.
"matty," you say, quietly, just to him.
his tail wags. he can't help it. it does one full, warm, involuntary arc.
from the kitchen, dex says nothing, which means he heard everything, which means he heard the tail too.
you pick your phone back up.
the apartment settles back into its saturday afternoon quiet, and from the kitchen comes the sound of dinner being prepared at three in the afternoon with great feeling, and you sit on the couch and think about odd sounds in the night and broken glass that wasn't there and two people who are elaborately, architecturally polite in the way of people who already know each other, and you look at the ceiling, and you think.
it's late afternoon by the time dex decides he's done being in the kitchen.
you hear him finish — the particular sequence of sounds that means everything is covered and the stove is off and the kitchen has been left in the precise condition he requires — and then his footsteps in the hallway, and then he appears in the bedroom doorway and looks at you on the bed with your book and says nothing, just takes in the scene with his green eyes and his slightly less stormy expression, and then crosses the room and gets on the bed behind you with the easy certainty of someone who has decided this is happening.
he's done this before. it's become, without any formal discussion, a thing that happens — you reading, dex arranging himself behind you, long legs on either side of yours, your back against his chest, his chin finding the top of your head or the curve of your shoulder depending on his mood. he runs warm. he always has. and he reads over your shoulder with a focus that would be slightly unnerving if you weren't used to it, occasionally making small sounds of opinion about whatever you're reading that you've never asked for and have come to find quietly indispensable.
he settles around you now — one arm across your waist, the other braced against the headboard — and his tail finds its comfortable place and his chin drops to your shoulder and you feel the tension of the afternoon begin to drain out of him by degrees, slow and reluctant, the way it always does when you're close enough.
"better?" you say.
"i was fine before," he says.
"mm," you say, and turn a page.
he reads over your shoulder. you can feel the movement of his eyes, the occasional almost-imperceptible shift of his chin when he reaches the bottom of a page before you do. he'd never admit to that either. the music you'd put on earlier is still going — something soft, something with a low easy melody that fills the room without demanding anything — and the late afternoon light is coming through the curtains at the particular golden angle that makes the apartment feel like somewhere outside of time, and for a few minutes everything is genuinely, quietly fine.
and then matt appears in the doorway.
he doesn't knock — he'd heard you, presumably, or smelled the room, or both, and had come down the hall and stopped in the open doorway with his cane and his careful face and his ears angled forward in the direction of the music. "sorry," he says, immediately, accurately locating both of you with the ease that still catches you slightly off guard. "i heard the music. i can leave."
"you don't have to—" you start.
dex's arm across your waist tightens. not dramatically. just enough.
"there's a living room," dex says, pleasantly.
"the speaker's in here," you say, to matt. "you can come in if you want. it's fine."
matt considers this for a moment — you watch his ears do their small assessing work — and then he comes in, which is the correct call because it is his home too, at least temporarily, and dex knows that, and the slight sound dex makes communicates that he knows that and finds it deeply inconvenient.
matt leaves his cane by the bedroom door.
you notice because it's the first time you've seen him without it since he arrived, and there's something different about him without it — not lesser, nothing like that, just different, more settled somehow, like a tell he's put down because he doesn't need it in a space he's already mapped completely. he moves to his spot by the window without any hesitation whatsoever, not a fingertip on the wall, not a pause to orient himself, just crosses the room and sits down with the fluid unhurried ease of someone who knows exactly where everything is and has done for days.
dex notices too.
you feel it — the slight shift in his chest against your back, the quality of his attention changing, sharpening, the way it does when something has confirmed a thought he'd already been having. his tail, which had been doing its slow claiming sway, stills for just a moment and then resumes, more deliberately.
matt settles against the wall and tilts his head back toward the music and his ears go soft and forward and his tail does its content slow sweep and he looks, to all appearances, like a man who is simply enjoying a quiet saturday afternoon.
dex puts his lips to your neck.
it's soft. unhurried. just a press of his mouth to the curve where your neck meets your shoulder, warm and deliberate, and his arm pulls you closer into his chest at the same time, a seamless simultaneous movement that has the practiced quality of something that knows exactly what it's doing. his tail shifts, finding your ankle, curling around it with a gentle and absolute certainty.
you keep your eyes on your book.
you are not fooled for a single second.
you know exactly what he's doing — the same thing he'd done after the date, working his presence back into your skin with methodical patience, except that this time there's an audience and he knows there's an audience and the audience has a nose that is, if anything, more sophisticated than dex's own. dex knows that too. that's rather the point.
he presses another kiss to your neck, slightly higher. his arm adjusts around your waist, drawing you more firmly into him. his chin comes to rest against your temple and he exhales slowly, warm and content, the picture of a creature entirely at home.
across the room, matt's ear twitches.
just the one. just slightly. and then it returns to its forward position and his face stays exactly as it was — peaceful, tilted toward the music, giving nothing — except that the very corner of his mouth has done the thing, the barely-there thing, the suggestion of something he has decided not to let become anything.
"you're doing it again," you say to dex, quietly.
"i'm not doing anything," he says, against your temple.
"dex."
"i'm comfortable," he says. "i'm allowed to be comfortable."
"you're comfortable very loudly," you say.
his tail tightens fractionally around your ankle. he says nothing. he turns your page — the right page this time, you were done — and resettles his chin and presses one more soft, unhurried kiss just below your ear with the absolute serenity of someone who has no agenda whatsoever.
on the floor by the window, matt clears his throat very gently.
dex's arm tightens around your waist.
"something wrong, matthew?" dex says, pleasantly, into your hair.
"not a thing," matt says, with equal pleasantness, his eyes — behind the sunglasses, toward the ceiling — utterly, serenely unbothered. his tail does one slow easy arc. "great music."
"she has good taste," dex says.
"she does," matt agrees.
you sit between them with your book open and dex wrapped around you like a very determined proof of ownership and matt on your floor being extraordinarily calm about the entire situation, and you think about saying something — about addressing it, naming it, pointing out that you are a person and not a territory and that both of them are being faintly ridiculous — and then dex's lips find your neck again, soft and warm and completely without shame, and his tail pulls your ankle gently toward him, and you decide that the book is very good actually and you're going to keep reading it.
matt's ear twitches again.
he says nothing. he is a lawyer. he is very good at saying nothing and meaning a great deal by it.
dex knows this. his mouth curves against your neck, and it isn't quite a smile and it isn't quite a warning and it is very specifically meant for an audience of one who can't technically see it and absolutely knows it's there.
you turn a page.
the music plays.
the light goes golden through the curtains and the afternoon goes nowhere in particular, and the room holds all three of you in its complicated equilibrium, and nobody says anything about any of it, and that is somehow the loudest the apartment has ever been.
004 . PROJECT ── POINDEXTER AND MURDOCK / MEN FIGHTING LIKE CATS AND DOGS
← PREV · NEXT→
NOTES : you wake up to bullseye and daredevil fighting in your apartment with— ears and tails?
WARNINGS : demi-humans, kitty!dex, dog! matt, possession, scenting, oral, domesticity, purring, dog/cat ears and tail, jealousy, raw sex, creampie, unestablished relationship, marking, biting, body worship, overstimulation, good girl, competition, threesome, praise, degrading, 'kiss and make up,' crying, overstimulation, multiple rounds, no protection, whining, riding.
CONFIDENTIAL MATERIAL ── 18+ ONLY.
you wake up because something breaks.
not glass this time — something heavier than that, something that shudders through the wall and pulls you up out of sleep with your heart already going before your brain has caught up with why. you lie there for two seconds in the dark, blinking at the ceiling, and then you hear the voices and you're up.
dex isn't beside you.
you register the cold empty space on the other side of the bed the same moment you register the voices in the living room — not the low compressed arguing of the past few nights, nothing like that, this is different, this is raised and jagged and punctuated by sounds that have no business being in your apartment at three in the morning — and you're out of the bedroom and into the hallway before you've made a conscious decision to move. the floor is cold under your bare feet and the hallway is dark and the sounds are getting clearer the closer you get, more specific, more awful — impacts with real weight behind them, breath forced out hard through teeth, and underneath all of it the low continuous quality of pain being pushed through rather than stopped for, the sounds of a fight between people who are very good at it and are not holding back for anything.
you stop in the living room doorway.
there are two people in your living room who are not the two people you thought you knew.
the one closest to the window is in red — deep matte red armour, close-fitted and clearly constructed for someone who does this regularly and needs the protection to hold up over time. a helmet with two short horns at the forehead, the chest plate reinforced and bearing the specific worn quality of equipment that has been through this before and come back. the window behind him is open, cold night air moving the curtains, which explains at least some of the sounds you've been filing under probably nothing for the past several weeks. and there is blood at his temple tracking dark and considerable down the line of his jaw, and he's holding his weight fractionally off his left side in the way of someone managing an injury they've decided not to stop for.
the one with his back to you is in dark blue and black.
the suit sits on him the way a second skin sits, the chest plate is matte black over dark blue panelling and across his hips and thighs a utility belt sits with the careful deliberate arrangement of long practice — compartments holding things that catch the apartment light when he shifts his weight, shurikens and kunai fitted with the easy precision of someone who has reached for them in the dark ten thousand times. and on the forehead of the mask, in white, a bullseye.
you know that symbol.
you know it the way everyone in this city who pays attention to its darker geography knows it — from news coverage and the particular hushed way people talk about certain names when they're being honest about what moves through the gaps between what's official and what's real. bullseye. precise, lethal, never misses. the name that comes with words like assassin and untraceable attached so consistently they've stopped being descriptions and become simply part of the definition. you look at the bullseye on the mask and the utility belt full of things with edges, and then you look at the coffee table that has been broken and the crack in the wall that is new and the blood on your floor, and you feel the ground move under you in a way that has nothing to do with the building.
and then you look at the red suit and you do it again.
daredevil. you know that name too, differently, from headlines and arguments about vigilante justice and the specific divided quality of opinion that attaches to someone who operates in the space the law can't reach. the devil of hell's kitchen. and right now both of them are in your living room at three in the morning and neither of them has noticed you yet because they are too busy trying to destroy each other and everything you own in the process.
they haven't noticed you.
"you need to leave," bullseye says, with ful conviction and muscles full of tension, "you have no jurisdiction here. the treaty—"
"the treaty," daredevil says, and his voice is the same too, the new york cadence sitting underneath it exactly as it had been reported by witnesses, something that belongs in a courtroom or a fight and is equally at home in both, "covers registered companions in active placement. which is exactly what i am. you want to argue treaty law with a lawyer. we can do that all night, but i'd think very carefully about whether this is the hill—"
"you're not here as a companion," bullseye says, and the control in his voice has a quality like a wire pulled too tight, vibrating with the effort of staying level. "you have never been here as a companion. you came into my home—"
"—with a bag full of gear and a cover story and you have been building a case from the inside since the moment you walked through that door, and you will not stand there in her living room and tell me that any part of this was ever about her anxiety—"
"don't," daredevil says, and his voice drops, and something in it sharpens to a point, "tell me what i'm here about." he takes one step forward, he crosses the room with his staff already in motion and bullseye takes the hit across the arm — the crack of it is loud and dense and bullseye doesn't make a sound, just absorbs it and uses the momentum to spin and get inside the reach of the staff and drive an elbow into daredevil's ribs with a force that you feel in your own chest. daredevil makes a sound that is low and involuntary, the sound of something that hurts and has been hurting for a while, and bullseye grabs him by the chest plate and slams him into the wall.
the wall shudders. plaster dust. the framed print you bought at a market two summers ago falls and the glass cracks against the floor.
daredevil gets his legs up between them and kicks bullseye back across the room and bullseye hits the overturned chair — when did the chair get overturned, you didn't see it happen — and rights himself with the reflexive balance of a cat landing on its feet, already moving again before he's fully upright. his hand finds the side table as he passes it and he grabs the cup of pens without looking and he throws one and the speed of it is genuinely, viscerally frightening. it crosses the room before you've fully tracked the motion and embeds itself in daredevil's shoulder and daredevil makes the bitten-off sound of someone who has been hurt and has decided not to stop for it, his staff arm jerking, and bullseye is already reaching for another.
a pencil. daredevil twists and it catches him at the side of the neck — not deep, but the sound it makes when it hits and stays is wrong, it's deeply wrong, and daredevil's hand goes to it for half a second before discipline overrides and he brings the staff up. another pen follows, and another, and daredevil is moving, deflecting what he can, his jaw set and the blood from his temple mixing now with fresh blood from his neck, tracking down into the collar of the red suit.
bullseye picks up your lamp.
the one from the corner, the one with the slightly bent shade, the one that has been on your list of things to replace for eight months and that you've never quite gotten around to because it works and it's familiar and it's the one that dex always adjusts when he walks past, the lamp that matt runs his fingers over, and he picks it up with one hand and he throws it at daredevil like it weighs nothing and daredevil gets the staff up and deflects it sideways and it hits the wall and shatters, the bulb going with a sharp crack that drops the room into the dimmer light of just the hallway behind you.
in the half-dark daredevil lunges.
it's a full body tackle, no elegance in it, just mass and commitment, and bullseye goes down and they hit your couch on the way — the couch goes over, both of them rolling off it, and they land together in the clear space between the couch and the coffee table and the impact is enormous, the floor vibrating under your bare feet, and they're both on their feet again faster than should be possible for people who have been doing this long enough to be bleeding this much. daredevil gets bullseye by the arm and wrenches it behind him and the sound bullseye makes is involuntary and short.
bullseye drives his head back into daredevil's face.
daredevil's grip breaks. his head snaps back and there is a fresh sound of pain from him, and bullseye turns and gets both hands on the chest plate and shoves daredevil with everything he has and daredevil goes backward and hits the coffee table —
the dark wood one. the one that you had picked out when you moved in. it doesn't survive the impact. the sound it makes is final and complete, the sound of something becoming permanently past tense, and there is a half second of absolute silence after it in which neither of them moves.
and that is the half second in which you make a sound.
not a word. not a scream. just a sound, involuntary and small, the sound of someone watching something they cared about become wreckage, and it comes out of you before you can stop it and it lands in the room and everything changes.
bullseye's head snaps toward you.
the green eyes behind the mask find you in the doorway.
and you watch the fight leave him.
not gradually. not in stages. all at once, like a switch, like a door closing, like the moment a tide turns — and the person standing in the wreckage of your coffee table is not the flat-voiced stripped-down thing that had been throwing your pens at daredevil's neck thirty seconds ago. he is something else now. he is something that is looking at you and at the coffee table and at the mop you've picked up from beside the doorframe without noticing you'd done it, and the something that crosses his face behind the mask is large and complicated and does not have a name.
daredevil has gone still too.
you hold the mop out with both hands. it is a mop. it is entirely inadequate. your hands are shaking and you are in your pyjamas and there are two vigilantes in your living room and the darker wood coffee table is in pieces on your floor.
"where are they," you say, and your voice comes out louder than you expected, steadier than you have any right to, tight with something that is fear and anger and hasn't chosen between them yet. you look at bullseye, at the bullseye on the mask, you look at daredevil, at the blood on his jaw and the pens still in his shoulder. "where are dex and matt. what did you do to them. what did you do to them and how did you get into my apartment and why is there blood on my—" your voice does the thing, the thin unsteady thing, and you stop it. "that was my favourite coffee table!"
bullseye takes a step toward you.
you take a step back and your free hand finds your phone in your pyjama pocket and you pull it out and you start pressing buttons and you don't look down because you know where the emergency dial is, you've always known, you've lived alone in this city long enough to know without looking.
daredevil's head turns sharply at the sound of the buttons.
"hey," bullseye says, and his voice — and you are not going to think about his voice right now, about what it's doing, about the register it has shifted into, the register that belongs to early mornings and the right mug already set out and i've got you said into your hair. "hey, wait, just — wait. put the phone down. put the mop down. please. baby, please, just look at me—"
"don't," you say, and your thumb is over the dial. "don't call me that. i don't know who you are. i don't know how you got in here and i don't know what you did to dex and matt but i am calling—"
"please don't call the police." and the voice has shifted again, further, the flatness entirely gone now, replaced by something that is almost desperate, that has an edge in it you've never heard before, something unguarded and genuinely panicked underneath all the armour. "please. i know what this looks like, i know, but you need to put the phone down and look at me and let me — just let me explain. please."
your thumb is on the button.
"please," he says again, quieter, and he looks down at the coffee table, at the pieces of it scattered across your floor, and the look that crosses the green eyes behind the bullseye mask is — it is — you have no word for it. it is the look of someone seeing something they broke that they cannot unbreak and knowing it and having to keep standing in the room with the knowledge of it. "i know," he says, to the coffee table, and the two words carry everything that doesn't fit in them. "i know."
behind him, daredevil has not moved. he is standing very still with his staff at his side and the pens in his shoulder and the blood on his jaw, and he looks like someone standing in a room waiting for a verdict he has already decided he deserves.
you look at both of them.
you look at your phone.
you look at the coffee table.
your hands are shaking. both of them. the one with the mop and the one with the phone, a fine continuous tremor that is not cold and is not going to stop until you have dealt with all of this, which is going to be a very long time from now.
"take the masks off," you say.
nothing.
"right now," you say. "both of you. masks off. and if either of you moves toward me before i tell you to i will press this button and i will not feel bad about it."
a pause.
"now," you say, in the voice that doesn't invite a response.
dex pulls the mask off. he looks exactly like dex beneath it — tired and wary and like a person who has been waiting for this specific moment for a long time and is not finding the reality of it any easier than the anticipation. there is a cut above his eyebrow that has been bleeding considerably more than it currently appears to be. matt removes the helmet, the sunglasses coming with it, and he sits there with his dark hair damp with sweat and the blood tracking steadily down the side of his face and his brown eyes open and directed at your face and his ears making their small careful adjustments to the sounds of the room.
your anxiety companion is bullseye.
your foster dog is daredevil.
they have been fighting in your living room at three in the morning and there is blood on your floor and a crack in your wall and the coffee table is broken and you are wearing your pyjamas and your hands are very steady, which you know from experience means you are considerably further past okay than you currently feel.
they sit. dex at one end of the couch, upright, the utility belt still at his hips. matt at the other end with the staff laid across his knees and his weight fractionally off that left side.
you go to the bathroom. you come back with the first aid kit. you sit down beside the broken coffee table in front of them and you open it and you let your hands do something useful while your head works through the rest of it.
"i know who you are," you say, to both of them, not looking up from the kit. "i know what both of those names mean. i know what comes with them." you find the antiseptic, the gauze, the butterfly strips, and you set them out in a row on the broken table and you take a breath and you look at dex. he looks back at you. his green eyes are doing every complicated thing they know how to do, layered over each other, none of them resolving into anything simple, and underneath all of them something that is just — dex, just the version of him that exists when nothing is being performed, tired and present and waiting for whatever you're going to say next with the patience of someone who has already decided to take it. "i know what bullseye does," you say. "i've read the things they say. i know the words that come with your name." you stop. you breathe. "and i know that you have been in this apartment for a month and you have made my tea every morning and you have folded my laundry and you have never—" your voice does the thing, the slight unsteadiness at the edges that you can't stop, and you stop talking for a moment and press the gauze carefully to the cut above his eyebrow. he goes completely still. "hold that," you say.
he raises his hand and holds it.
"and you," you say, turning to matt, and you begin cleaning the wound at his temple with the same careful focus, and he stays still in the considered way he has, the stillness of someone who has decided how to receive this and will not deviate from it. "you came here with a bag full of gear and a cover story. you sat on my floor. you had a snickers." your voice does the thing again and you stop it. "the whole time."
"i should have—" matt starts.
"i'm not done," you say, and he closes his mouth.
you work in silence for a moment. the apartment is very quiet around all three of you. outside the open window new york does its indifferent three in the morning thing, sirens somewhere distant, the city continuing entirely without reference to what is happening in your living room.
"dex," you say.
"i can explain," he says, immediately, and the words come out with the particular quality of something that has been ready and waiting for a long time. "i know how it — i know what it looks like and i know i should have—" he stops. starts again. his free hand is pressed to his knee, flat, the way he holds himself when he's managing something. "i didn't plan to keep it from you. in the beginning i told myself it was separate — that what i was out there had nothing to do with what i was here, with you. and then it stopped being something i was telling myself and became just — true, somehow, in a way i couldn't account for. you made it true." he says it simply, without dressing it up, and his green eyes are on your face with an intensity that has nothing tactical in it. "i didn't know how to tell you and then the longer i didn't tell you the more impossible it became to find the moment to—" he stops again. his jaw works. "i was trying to protect you. from knowing. because the knowing puts you at risk and i couldn't—"
you hold up one finger.
it's not dramatic. it's barely anything — just your hand, one finger raised between you, your arm slightly unsteady in a way you can't stop, and dex stops mid-sentence like you've cut a wire. he looks at your hand. he looks at your face. he looks at your hand again.
your hand is shaking.
not much. just slightly, just enough to be visible in the low light of the apartment, the small fine tremor of someone who has been holding something very tightly for the last ten minutes and is becoming aware of the effort it's taking. you look at it yourself for a moment, almost clinically, and then you lower it and press it flat against your knee and breathe.
dex's eyes track the movement. something moves through his expression that is large and quiet and does not have a clean name — not guilt exactly, not quite grief, something that sits between them and is heavier than either. his ears, which had been doing their complicated flat-almost-flat thing, settle all the way down. his tail is completely motionless.
"okay," you say, very quietly. to yourself, mostly. just to have said something, just to have put a word in the air that belongs to you. "okay."
matt is very still on the other end of the couch. he has not moved or spoken since you raised your hand and he is not going to until you invite him to, which is either very good instinct or very good discipline, and sitting here in the wrecked living room at three in the morning you find you can't tell the difference between the two and aren't sure it matters.
you pick the antiseptic back up. you go back to dex's eyebrow — methodical, careful, something to do with your hands — and dex sits there and takes it and lets you, and doesn't say anything else, and the apartment holds all three of you in the particular quality of silence that only exists after something has broken open and before anything has been decided about what comes next.
your hand is still shaking, very slightly, when you reach for the butterfly strips.
you put them on anyway.
matt is quiet for a long time after your hand stops shaking.
he sits at the other end of the couch with his staff across his knees and the cleaned wound at his temple and his brown eyes directed at the middle distance with the stillness of someone who is thinking very carefully about what he's going to say and how he's going to say it and whether he has the right to say it at all. his ears are forward and soft, doing their quiet continuous work — tracking your breathing, you've come to understand, tracking the small physiological tells that you can't control and can't hide from him and probably never could. he's been reading you since you walked through the agency door. you understand that now. you understand quite a lot of things now that you didn't an hour ago and the understanding sits heavy and complicated in your chest alongside everything else.
"i owe you an explanation," he says, finally, and his voice is back to the voice you know — the warm low new york cadence, the careful honesty underneath it — except that it carries something tonight that you haven't heard in it before. something that sounds, if you had to name it, like the particular weight of a person reckoning with something they did that they can't make smaller than it was. "not the treaty. not the legal framework. you deserve more than that and i'm not going to insult you with it."
you look at him. you don't say anything.
"i knew who dex was before i came here," matt says, and says it plainly, looking in your direction with those open still eyes that see nothing and miss nothing. "i've known about bullseye for a long time. i knew he'd been placed with you. and i knew that the companion protection statute meant that as long as i was in active placement in this apartment, he couldn't — that it created a situation where i could observe and build a case without him being able to act on it." he pauses. his hands shift on the staff, a small restless movement, the most uncomfortable you've ever seen him. "that was the plan when i flagged your profile. that was the reason i chose you."
the words land in the room and sit there.
dex makes a sound that is not quite a word and is not quite anything else, something low and controlled, and his hand on his knee presses flat and stays flat.
"but," matt says, and the word carries something that the rest of the sentence is going to have to work to justify, "i want to be honest with you about what happened after. because you deserve that and i've — i haven't given you enough of it." he stops. his ears shift slightly, some internal adjustment, and when he starts again his voice is quieter. "i read your profile because it was tactically useful. and then i kept reading it because you sounded like someone i wanted to know. and i told myself those two things could coexist without one of them compromising the other." his jaw tightens. "i was wrong about that. i know that. i knew it probably somewhere around day three and i kept going because the case mattered and because i told myself the case was the point and that everything else was—" he stops again. "i was wrong," he says, simply. no dressing it up, no legal framing, just the plain shape of it. "i used your home and your trust and your good faith to do something that had nothing to do with your good faith, and i'm sorry. i'm genuinely sorry."
the apartment is very quiet.
you look at matt — at the cleaned wound and the battered red suit and the german shepherd ears sitting soft and low in a way that is nothing like their combat position and nothing like their happy position, something entirely in between, something that looks, if you had to name it, like contrition — and you think about him on your floor listening to your music and asking for your hand so he could learn your apartment and bringing a snickers in his bag like some kind of peace offering delivered in advance of a situation he'd already mapped out. you think about the car ride, the easy conversation, the way he'd said i thought i'd like to know you and meant it and also meant something else at the same time, and you think about how both of those things can be true simultaneously and how that doesn't make either of them simple.
"did you—" you start, and stop, and try again. "was any of it real. the floor. the music. the—" you gesture, slightly helplessly, at the general shape of the past week. "any of it."
matt's ears come forward, fully, immediately, the way they do when something matters. "yes," he says, and the word is very clean and very certain. "all of it. that's — that's the part i can't unknot from the rest of it. i came here for one reason and i stayed for something else and they got tangled together in a way i didn't plan for and couldn't separate cleanly, and i handled that badly." a pause. his tail, which has been still, does one slow and genuine arc. "the music was real. the snickers was real." the corner of his mouth moves. "the mat was real."
despite everything — despite the broken coffee table and the blood and the three in the morning and the suits and the entire revealed architecture of the last week — something in your chest does an involuntary thing.
you look away from him. you look at the wall. you look at the crack in the wall that is new and that is going to need to be explained to the building super in a way that is going to require significant creativity.
"the wall," you say.
"i'll fix the wall," dex says, immediately.
"and the coffee table," you say.
"i'll replace it," matt says.
"it was alphabetical," dex says, to matt.
"the mugs?" matt says.
"the table," dex says.
"there wasn't a system for the table—"
"there was absolutely a—"
"both of you," you say, and they both stop.
the apartment settles back into its quiet. dex's mouth closes. matt's ears do a small careful adjustment. you look between them — at the suits, at the blood, at the general comprehensive state of both of them — and you make a decision.
"suits off," you say.
a pause.
"i'm not asking," you say. "they need to be washed. god only knows the last time either of you cleaned them properly and there is blood on both of them which is going to set if we don't deal with it tonight, so. off."
dex looks at matt. matt's ears tilt forward.
"now," you say, in the voice.
they take the suits off.
it's a practical exercise and you treat it practically, turning to gather the first aid kit back together while they work, giving them the dignity of not watching the process even though you've seen both of them in various states of damage over the past month and there is nothing here you haven't already dealt with at close range. you hear the particular sounds of armour being removed — the fastenings, the shift of material, the quiet grunts of people working around injuries they've been ignoring for the past however long this has been going on — and when you turn back dex is sitting in a t-shirt and dark trousers with his utility belt folded neatly on top of the dark blue chest plate like he can't quite bring himself to just leave it anywhere, and matt is in considerably less because the pens are still in his shoulder and you can't get the suit off properly around them.
"i'll deal with those first," you say, and you mean the pens, and matt nods, and you sit in front of him on the piece of coffee table that is still level and you do what needs to be done with the focused efficiency of someone who has been doing this for months and has stopped being shocked by the practical realities of it. matt stays very still throughout, the way he always does, and makes the sounds he makes when something hurts and he's decided not to make a thing of it, small and controlled and honest, and his ears stay at their uncertain low angle and his tail doesn't move.
"sorry," you say, when the second one comes out, because you mean it.
"don't be," he says, quietly.
"i'm going to be," you say. "i can do both at once."
the corner of his mouth moves despite everything. "fair enough," he says.
you finish with the shoulder, clean and dress it properly, and then matt gets the rest of the suit off and you add it to the pile with dex's, and the pile sits on the floor of your wrecked living room looking very much like what it is — two people's secret lives, folded and set aside.
"the washing machine takes delicates on thirty," you say, to no one in particular, picking both suits up. "which is probably as hot as i'd go with whatever these are made of. if they shrink you can take it up with me in the morning."
"they're kevlar-reinforced—" dex starts.
"thirty degrees," you say, and take them to the machine.
you come back and finish the stitching. dex first — the eyebrow, the jaw, the shoulder that is worse than tuesday and tuesday was apparently much worse than he told you — and he sits there and takes all of it and lets you work and doesn't perform anything, just watches your face while you watch what you're doing and the apartment is very quiet around both of you. his green eyes track your hands. his ears stay low. his tail stays still. he doesn't say he's sorry again, because you told him not to, but the shape of it is there in everything he doesn't do.
"okay," you say, when you're done.
"okay," he says.
you turn to matt. he needs more work than dex — the neck, the temple, the shoulder — and you do it all in the same methodical order, and matt stays still in his particular considered way and his ears come up incrementally as you work, degree by degree, like they're recovering from something alongside the rest of him. by the time you're taping the last of it they're almost at their normal forward angle, and his tail has done one slow, careful arc.
"thank you," he says, quietly, when you sit back.
"you can thank me by never doing this in my living room again," you say.
"agreed," matt says.
"agreed," dex says, immediately, which makes matt's ears do the forward tilt and dex's tail do the sharp flick and you watch them almost make eye contact about it and decide not to, which is, you think, probably progress.
you close the first aid kit. you look at both of them — at the stitches you've put in them and the bruising that is going to be considerably worse in the morning and the general exhausted damaged state of two people who have been fighting each other and probably other people and the full combined weight of a very complicated situation for longer than you've fully understood. you look at the wrecked living room. you look at the washing machine that is now running on thirty degrees with two vigilante suits in it and making a sound that suggests it has opinions about this.
"come to bed," you say.
dex looks at you.
matt's ears come all the way up.
"both of you," you say, before either of them can say anything, or decide not to say anything, or have whatever conversation they'd have about it if you gave them the space. "i'm not leaving either of you out here and i'm not staying out here with you and i'm not going to sleep in there alone after all of this, so." you stand up. you pick up the first aid kit. "come to bed."
a pause. a long one.
dex stands up first. he does it carefully, with the weight distribution of someone managing three separate things, and he crosses the room to you and his hand finds your face for a moment — just his palm against your cheek, brief and warm and very still — and then he goes toward the bedroom.
matt stands. he does it the way he does everything, with the considered economy of someone who has made a decision and is following it through, and his tail does one warm arc and his ears are forward and he follows dex without looking at him, which is probably safest for everyone.
you take one last look at your living room.
the couch on its side. the crack in the wall. the pens in the plaster. the coffee table in pieces. the lamp in pieces. the washing machine running in the kitchen with its cargo of kevlar and secrets.
you turn the light off.
you go to bed.
dex is already in his place — behind you, the arrangement that has never required discussion, his arm coming around your waist as you settle with the ease of something practiced down past reflex into pure instinct. his chin finds your shoulder. his tail finds its place. the long slow exhale of him against the back of your neck, all the weight of the night leaving him in one breath.
matt takes the other side.
it's new, the other side. he does it carefully, conscious of the space and what it means, and he settles with his characteristic stillness and his ears in their forward position and his tail doing its slow quiet sway, and for a moment nobody says anything and the bedroom is very dark and the city outside is doing what it always does.
his hand finds yours on the blanket. just his fingers over yours, light and warm and asking nothing.
you turn yours over and hold on.
dex's arm tightens around your waist. just slightly. just enough.
"the suits will be done by morning," you say, to the ceiling.
"i can hang them to dry," dex says.
"they'll drip," matt says.
"i'll put a towel down," dex says.
"they're kevlar-reinforced," matt says. "they'll be heavy."
"i'm aware of how heavy they are," dex says.
"both of you," you say.
they stop.
the apartment settles around all three of you. outside the window new york does its indifferent four in the morning thing, sirens somewhere far away, the city continuing entirely without reference to the three people lying in a bed in hell's kitchen with their stitches and their washing machine and their very complicated arrangement and all the things that haven't been resolved yet and will still be there in the morning.
matt's fingers are warm over yours.
dex's breath is steady against your neck.
you close your eyes.
you sleep.
it's been a month since the night of the broken coffee table, and things are different now.
not easier, exactly. not simpler. but different in the way that things become different when the pretending stops and everyone has to figure out what the truth looks like as a daily arrangement. the suits come and go openly now — dex's dark blue and black folded on the chair in the bedroom when he's back, matt's red hung on the back of his door with a practicality that still catches you slightly off guard when you walk past it in the hallway. the bag that matt had guarded so carefully in those first days sits open on his shelf, and you don't look inside it, and he doesn't offer, and that is an understanding you've arrived at without discussing it, which is how most of the understandings in this apartment seem to work.
you've learned to read them differently now. that's the thing nobody tells you about learning the truth about people — it doesn't just change what you know about them, it changes how you see everything that came before, retroactively, the whole month reassembling itself in your memory into something that makes a different and more complete kind of sense.
you notice things now that you didn't let yourself notice before, or didn't have the framework to name.
you notice when dex has a limp. it's subtle — he's good at managing it, good at distributing his weight so the tell is minimal, but you know his walk now the way you know the sound of his particular footsteps in the hallway, and when the rhythm is off by even a fraction you clock it. you notice when his left shoulder doesn't move the way the right one does, when he reaches for something and there's a hitch in it, a small careful compensation that speaks to something that happened the night before and that he came home and didn't say anything about because he'd decided it wasn't bad enough to mention. you notice the bruising at his jaw that he doesn't quite cover and the way he holds himself differently for a day or two after a bad night, and you don't always say anything, but you notice.
matt is harder to read in the traditional sense — he hides it differently, with the stillness that can mean contentment or management in equal measure, and you can't always tell which. but you've learned his tells too, in the month since everything came out into the open. the way his ears sit slightly lower than usual when he's in pain, not the combat-flat but something subtler, a degree or two below his normal forward angle that he probably doesn't know he does. the way his tail slows its sway when something hurts, going from its usual easy rhythm to something more deliberate, more controlled, like he's rationing the movement. the way he'll find a wall to put his back against and stay there quietly for longer than usual, not mapping the room but resting, in the way of something that has learned to rest in increments.
you've started keeping the first aid kit on the coffee table. the new one, which matt did replace, dark wood and slightly nicer than the original, which dex had observed with the expression of someone who finds this personally offensive but cannot articulate why without sounding unreasonable. the kit sits on it now like a fixture, like the mugs and the coasters and the books that accumulate and never quite make it back to the shelf, just part of the landscape of how the apartment works now.
they come home on a tuesday — both of them, which happens sometimes, the nights when whatever they're each separately doing in the dark of the city happens to intersect in ways they don't fully explain to you. you hear the door, and then the particular quality of the silence that follows it, which is not the silence of one person trying to be quiet but two people managing something together, and you come out of the bedroom with the kit already in your hand.
dex is shrugging off the tactical jacket one-handed, which tells you immediately about the shoulder, and matt is sitting on the new coffee table with his helmet already off and a cut above his brow that has bled through the small amount of gauze he'd apparently applied at some point and not told you about. they both look up when you come in — dex with his green eyes doing their complicated evening calculation, matt with his ears turning toward you with the immediate attention they always give you — and neither of them says anything, because after a month of this you've developed a version of the routine that doesn't require much narration.
"sit," you say to dex, in the same tone you'd used the first night, and he sits, and doesn't argue about it, which is a thing that has changed.
you deal with matt first because the cut is open and because dex's shoulder is something he's going to argue about regardless of the order you approach it in, so you may as well get the uncontested one out of the way. matt stays still in his practised way while you work and his tail does its slow sway and he says, after a moment, in the conversational tone of someone who has decided to attempt normalcy, "there was a deli on the way back that was still open."
"it's two in the morning," you say.
"they had good bagels," he says.
"did you get one?"
"i got three," he says. "they're in the kitchen."
you become aware, without looking, of dex's ears pricking forward slightly. "what kind," he says, from the other end of the couch.
"everything," matt says. "and one plain."
"the plain one is mine," dex says.
"i know," matt says.
you look between them — matt with the gauze at his brow and his german shepherd ears forward and his tail doing its warm easy arc, and dex with his tactical jacket half off his shoulders and his green eyes on matt with the expression he gets when matt has done something he approves of and is not going to say so out loud — and you feel something sit in your chest that is warm and complicated and has been growing in a quiet and unannounced way for a month, deposited in small increments like the books that accumulate on the coffee table without anyone deciding to put them there.
"hold that," you say, pressing the gauze to matt's brow, and he raises his hand and holds it, and you move to dex.
the shoulder is, as you suspected, worse than he intended to present it. you find the damage with careful fingers and he goes still under your hands in the particular way of someone trying not to react, and you work through it methodically and he lets you, which is the thing that has changed most and that you think about sometimes — the way he used to perform unbothered and now just sits there and lets you see the reality of it, lets you work on it without the architecture of pretending it's nothing.
"the wall is fixed," he says, while you work, out of nowhere.
"i know," you say. "you fixed it three weeks ago."
"i just wanted to note that it's fixed," he says. "it looks good."
"it looks exactly like the rest of the wall," you say.
"that's what good looks like," he says, with dignity.
from the coffee table, matt makes the sound. the one that is the beginning of a smile, quickly revised into something more neutral. dex cuts him a look. matt's ears tilt forward with complete innocence.
you tape dex's shoulder and sit back and look at both of them in the low light of the living room at two in the morning — both battered, both cleaned up, both present in the complicated layered way they're always present, which is several people at once and none of them simple — and you think about a month ago when the word companion meant something entirely different and about how much of what you thought you knew has been replaced by something realer and considerably more inconvenient.
"bagels," matt says, into the quiet.
"bagels," you confirm.
you all go to the kitchen.
matt gets touchier gradually, the way he does everything — unhurried, testing the edges of what the room will hold, retreating when it won't hold it and trying again later when it might. it starts small. a hand on your shoulder when he passes you in the kitchen. sitting closer on the couch than he used to, the distance between you closing by increments so slow you don't notice until one afternoon you realise his arm is along the back of the cushion behind you and you can't remember when it got there.
dex notices every single increment.
he doesn't make scenes about it the way he would have in the first week — the running commentary on room ownership is mostly gone, the elaborate territorial positioning has quieted into something more occasional and less performed. but you feel it in other ways. the arm around your waist that pulls you slightly back when matt's hand finds your shoulder. the chin that drops to the top of your head with a deliberateness that has nothing to do with comfort and everything to do with the fact that matt's nose is operational and dex is aware of this. small, constant, present — the language of someone who has accepted a situation and is still, quietly, negotiating its terms.
the first time matt kisses you happens on a wednesday evening when dex is in the kitchen making something that requires his full attention and you and matt are on the couch with the television on and neither of you watching it. it happens slowly, the way things happen when they've been building for long enough that the moment itself is almost quiet — his hand finding yours on the cushion, the turn of his head toward you, the slight forward movement that he pauses before completing, giving you the space to move away, and you don't move away, and he closes the distance and kisses you soft and slow and careful, the way matt does everything when he's decided to be honest about something.
you hear dex in the doorway before you see him.
you pull back and look, and he's standing there with a dish towel in his hand and his green eyes on both of you, and his expression does the complicated thing — layered and unresolved, moving through several things too quickly to name — and then he crosses the room, and he doesn't say anything, and he presses his lips to your neck, warm and deliberate and very present, and then he goes back to the kitchen.
not comfortable. not easy. but not the end of anything either.
matt doesn't kiss you again for a while after that. he doesn't retreat entirely — the hand on your shoulder, the closeness on the couch, the way he angles toward you when you're talking — but he doesn't push past what the room showed him it could hold that wednesday, and you understand, without it being said, that he's giving the situation time to settle around what happened before he asks it to hold anything more.
it's dex who shifts it, in the end, without meaning to.
it's a sunday afternoon, one of the slow shapeless ones that the apartment does well, late light through the curtains and nothing anywhere to be. you're on the bed with dex behind you in the arrangement that has become so habitual it happens without discussion — his legs on either side of yours, your back against his chest, his chin finding your shoulder with the ease of something practiced down to reflex. he's reading over your shoulder and his tail is doing its slow content sway and his arm is across your waist and the whole thing has the quality of something completely at rest.
matt had started on the floor, the way he always used to. but somewhere over the past several weeks the floor had become the edge of the bed, and the edge of the bed had become sitting against the footboard, and today — today he's on the bed properly, cross-legged at first and then shifting, over the course of the afternoon, to sitting on his knees at the foot of it, closer than he's been before, his head tilted toward the music playing from your phone and his ears soft and forward and his tail doing its warm easy arc.
dex had tracked every inch of the migration without commenting on any of it, which is its own kind of progress.
it's a sunday afternoon, one of the slow shapeless ones that the apartment does well, the kind that arrives without announcement and stays until the light goes golden and then grey through the curtains. your phone is playing something soft from the nightstand and the city outside is doing its quiet weekend thing and nobody has anywhere to be.
dex is behind you in the arrangement that has long since stopped requiring any decision — his legs on either side of yours, your back against the warmth of his chest, his chin finding the curve of your shoulder with the ease of something practiced into pure reflex. his arm lies across your waist, heavy and settled, and his tail moves in its slow content arc somewhere near your knee, and he's been reading over your shoulder for the better part of an hour, turning your pages at the exact moment you finish them in the way that still makes you feel slightly known in a way you don't have a clean word for.
matt had started on the floor. he always starts on the floor, or he used to — it had been his place from the beginning, the spot by the wall where he'd sit with his head tilted toward whatever music was playing, building the afternoon the way he builds every room, in layers, through sound and scent and the particular focused patience of someone who takes the world in differently and has made something complete out of it. but the floor had become the edge of the bed, somewhere in october, and the edge had become the footboard, and today he is on the bed properly, close, sitting back on his knees at the foot of it with his hands loose in his lap and his german shepherd ears angled soft and forward toward the music and his tail doing its warm unhurried sway.
dex had noted every inch of the migration. he hadn't said anything about any of it, which is its own kind of distance traveled.
the afternoon goes long and warm and quiet. dex turns your pages. matt listens to the music with his face tipped slightly up, the way he does when something is reaching him, the black sunglasses catching the late light. you exist between them in the way that has become the natural state of things in this apartment — completely, and without remainder — and for a while nothing is required of any of you except to be in the same room at the same time, which sounds small and is not small at all.
and then matt shifts.
it's gradual, the way his movements always are — a small rearrangement of his weight on his knees, a turn of his body toward you that is not quite the angle it was a moment ago. his ears have moved, you notice, from their music-soft position to something more directed, angled toward you with the quiet focused quality they get when he's decided something and is moving toward it in his own time. his tail has slowed its sway to something more deliberate.
he leans forward.
slowly, the way he does everything when it matters — giving the space between you time to decide what it is before he closes it. his hand comes up and finds your jaw with the accuracy that you have never quite stopped catching your breath at, fingertips resting light and warm against your cheek, thumb at the corner of your jaw, and he pauses there, close enough that you can feel the warmth of him, close enough that his ears have angled fully toward the sound of your breathing, and he waits, the way he always waits, giving you the space to be the one who decides.
you don't move away.
he closes the last of the distance and kisses you, soft and unhurried and deliberate, his thumb moving in one slow arc against your jaw. it's careful the way matt is careful — not tentative, nothing like tentative, but considered, the kiss of someone who has thought about what he wants to say and has chosen this as the way to say it. his other hand finds yours on the blanket, covers it loosely, and the music plays on from the nightstand and the late light comes through the curtains and the city outside continues its indifferent sunday and for a moment the afternoon is very still and very full.
behind you, dex goes still.
not the combat stillness, not the tense wire-tight stillness of the early weeks. something different — the stillness of someone setting something down, deliberately, choosing to let it rest instead of picking it up. his arm across your waist stays exactly where it is. his chin stays on your shoulder. you feel the long slow breath he takes, feel it in his chest against your back, feel the deliberate way he releases it, and his tail, after a moment, resumes its sway. one slow arc. then another.
you pull back gently from matt and he stays where he is, close, unhurried, his hand sliding from your jaw to rest at the side of your neck for just a moment before dropping to the blanket. his ears are forward and warm and the corner of his mouth has done the thing — the soft thing, the real one, the smile that has no strategy in it at all.
the room is very quiet.
dex presses his lips to your temple. not rushed — warm and deliberate and held there for a breath longer than a passing thing, his nose in your hair, and you feel the exhale that follows move through his whole chest against your back, slow and real and large.
"still on the same page," he says, eventually, into your hair.
"i know," you say.
as you lie there, sandwiched between them, the air grows thick with heat and the scent of arousal.
you feel their hunger, the way they both want to claim you, but you make the rules. you shift your gaze between them, a playful, demanding smirk on your lips. "if you two want to touch me," you murmur, your voice low and teasing, "you have to kiss and make up first. show me you can play nice."
dex’s expression sours instantly. he lets out a sharp, irritated huff, his lip curling in a grimace of pure disgust at the idea of showing affection to matt, who gives one wag of his tail before he raises an eyebrow at dex. dex rolls his eyes so hard it’s practically a theatrical performance, pulling his head back with a dramatic shudder, ears dropping. but the desire for you outweighs his pride. with a frustrated groan, he leans over and presses a quick, begrudging peck to matt’s bottom lip—barely touching, a mere formality to satisfy your demand, matt is petty and decides to bite down on dex’s lip, almost a punishment for his dramatic behaviour
the moment the requirement is met, dex is on you like a predator. he crashes his lips against yours, his tongue invading your mouth with a fierce, competitive hunger. he wants you to feel how much better he is, how much more intense his passion is. you moan loudly into the kiss, your head tossing back against dex’s shoulder. the lingering taste of matt on dex’s lips, his blood against your tongue—and the scent of both of them surrounding you—sends a jolt of electricity through your core, making your cunt leak a heavy, slick stream of arousal.
"look at you," dex sneers against your mouth, his voice dripping with a mix of praise and degradation. "so fucking wet just because we played a little game."
matt, ever the contrast, moves in slowly. while dex is all fire and aggression for once, clearly spurred on by matt’s presence, matt is a steady, overwhelming tide. he begins marking you, his lips pressing firm, lingering kisses along your jaw, your neck, and your collarbone. he doesn't rush; he savors every inch of your skin, leaving damp, hot marks that claim you as his.
"you're so beautiful," matt whispers, his voice a sweet rumble that vibrates against your skin, even as his hands grip your hips with a strength that borders on bruising.
they quickly strip, the sound of fabric sliding off skin filling the air. dex is the fastest, practically peeling his clothes off in his haste to get started, his black tail lashing with excitement. matt is more methodical, though his wagging tail betrays his eagerness as he tosses his clothes aside before they both start to peel yours off of you, kissing each inch of skin thats revealed to their greedy gazes.
now naked and flushed, they move in for the kill. matt leans forward, his soft gaze locking onto yours before he dives between your legs. he starts with slow, swirling licks, his tongue broad and warm, tasting you with a gentle precision that makes your toes curl.
"oh god, matt..." you moan, but dex isn't about to let him win.
dex crawls forward, his chest pressing against your back, his arms wrapping around you to pull you closer. he can't stand the attention being solely on matt. he reaches around, his fingers fluttering against your thighs before he manages to get a grip on your clit from the side, his movements slow, almost teasing as he does the exact pressure u need.
the sensation is overwhelming. matt is working his tongue in deep, rhythmic laps, sucking your clit into his mouth with a soft, vacuum-like pressure that sends sparks shooting through your hips. meanwhile, dex’s fingers work in a fast, fluttering motion that complements matt's suction.
"awh look at her, baby is so close, hm?" his voice is mean and taunting in your ear, "i feel etter don’t i sweetheart? he doesn’t do it like i do."
you are caught in a crossfire of pleasure. matt’s soft, steady devotion and dex’s desperation to be better than matt makes a perfect storm. as you feel the first wave of an orgasm building, dex lets out a needy sound, his tail curling tightly around your leg.
"i'm definitely fucking winning" he groans, his pleasure from yours making him rock hard against the curve of your ass, his movements becoming harder, his fingers vibrating against you.
"just enjoy it, sweetheart," matt murmurs against your skin, his tongue giving one final, powerful flick that sends you spiraling.
you scream into the quiet room, your body arching as a violent orgasm crashes over you. you are shaking, muscles twitching in total sensory overload. matt just smiles softly, his german shepherd tail wagging happily as he licks a stray drop of moisture from your thigh, completely content to let dex have his victory as long as you are satisfied.
the arrangement shifts quickly. matt lies flat on his back, pulling you down so you are draped over him, your middle acting as the bridge between them. dex moves up, positioning himself perfectly. he doesn't wait for an invitationl he slides his thick, rigid cock into your mouth.
your gasp is muffled, your throat tightening around him. dex grunts, his hips thrusting forward to seat himself deep in your throat. he uses his hand to guide your head, forcing you to take more of him, his eyes locked on yours with a mean, triumphant glint. he wants you focused on him, overwhelmed by his size and the way he dominates your breathing.
while you are occupied with dex, matt reaches up, his large hands guiding your dripping pussy over his own erection. he slides in with a slow, deliberate push that fills you completely. for a moment, it's gentle, but as the rhythm picks up, matt’s nature changes. the sweetness remains in his eyes, but his thrusts become punishing. he slams into you with a heavy, rhythmic force, each hit bottoming out deep inside your cunt.
the sensation is an onslaught. between the fullness of dex in your mouth and the brutal, deep pounding of matt beneath you, you are completely overstimulated. your toes curl, and a high, broken keen escapes your throat, muffled by dex’s cock.
"that's it, take it all," dex growls, his voice sounding distorted as he thrusts his hips, hitting the back of your throat. "feel how much better i am. feel how much you need this."
matt’s pace increases, his breath coming in heavy pants. he isn't just fucking youl he's marking you from the inside. every hard slam is a claim. "good girl," matt murmurs, the praise contrasting sharply with the way he's nearly bruising your insides with his power. "such a good, treated us so good."
the sounds fill the room—the wet, slapping noise of skin hitting skin, the guttural grunts of the two men, and the sloppy, rhythmic sounds of you sucking on dex. you are caught in a crossfire of pleasure and degradation, your mind blurring as the friction builds.
dex decides he wants more. he pulls out of your mouth with a wet pop, leaving you gasping for air, and immediately shifts his position. telling matt to stop as he slides himself into your cunt alongside.
the feeling of two cocks stretching you open is almost too much. you let out a loud, sobbing moan as they both fill you, their girths rubbing against each other inside your walls. they begin to work in tandem, a coordinated assault on your senses. dex is fast and shallow, teasing you as his hand presses down on the curve of your ass, forcing you to stay still while matt continues those deep, punishing drives that shake your entire frame.
"look at her," dex pants, glancing down at where they both disappear into you. "stretched wide open for both of us. you love us dont you, sweetheart?"
"so perfect," matt adds, his voice strained as he pushes even harder, his hips snapping forward.
you are shaking, your muscles twitching in a state of total sensory overload. the combination of the marking, the praise, the mean words, and the sheer physical intensity of being double-penetrated pushes you over the edge. you scream into the quiet sunday afternoon, your orgasm crashing over you in violent waves as you feel them both pulsing deep inside you, filling you with their heat.
the aftershocks of the first orgasm are still rippling through your muscles, leaving you limp and trembling in the middle of the bed. you are a mess of slick fluids and flushed skin, trapped between the two of them. for a few minutes, the only sounds are the heavy, synchronized panting of dex and matt and the distant, indifferent hum of the city outside the curtains.
but the peace is short-lived. dex isn't satisfied with a shared victory. he shifts, his body sliding against yours with a wet, suctioning sound as he pulls out of your cunt. he doesn't move far, hovering over you, his eyes dark and predatory. he looks down at your swollen, leaking pussy, then up at your dazed expression.
he reaches down, his fingers digging into your thigh to pull you closer to the edge of the bed. "you're still dripping, you want more baby?"
matt, still lying beneath you, lets out a soft, rumbling huff. he doesn't fight dex's aggressionl instead, he leans up, his lips finding the sensitive skin of your neck.
"he's right," matt murmurs against your skin, his voice sweet but possessing an underlying edge of hunger. "you're so responsive. i can feel your heart racing."
the contrast is immediate and overwhelming. while matt is worshiping you with his tongue, dex is reclaiming your mouth. he doesn't askl he simply grabs your chin and forces your lips open, sliding his cock back in with a slow, soft thrust. a needy whine escaping his throat, he shuts his eyes at the sensation as he pumps into your throat, forcing you to swallow him over and over.
you moan around dex's girth, your hands clutching at the sheets, your back arching as matt’s tongue finds the exact spot that sends sparks shooting through your nerves and your cunt clenching around matt’s cock.
matt decides he's had enough of the soft kisses and marking of your neck. he shifts, pulling himself out of you, making a needy little whine escape your throat and vibrate around dex. matt rolls out from underneath you and presses you onto your stomach with a firm, effortless strength. he doesn't give you time to adjust before he's behind you, his large hands gripping your waist and pulling your ass high into the air. he enters you in one singular, devastating drive.
"you love this, don't you?" dex whispers, his voice dripping with adoration. "being hammered from behind while i hold your mouth shut. love your companions, hm?"
the overstimulation is peaking. between matt’s brutal, deep pounding and dex’s dirty praise makes your mind begins to fracture. you can't tell where one ends and the other beginsl you are simply a vessel for their desire. the sounds are visceral—the wet squelch of matt’s cock sliding in and out of your drenched cunt, the frantic gasps for air, and the low, possessive growls from both men.
"good girl," matt groans, his voice strained as he increases the pace, his thrusts becoming almost violent in their intensity. "take it all. take every inch."
as the second climax builds, it's more violent than the first. your cunt clamps down on matt's cock in tight, rhythmic spasms. you feel dex's hand tighten on your jaw, his own breath hitching.
"cum for us, been so good for us" dex commands.
you shatter. your orgasm hits like a tidal wave, your entire body shaking as you cry around dex’s cock. at the same moment, matt lets out a guttural groan, his body stiffening as he pumps his cum deep into your cunt, filling you to the brim with a squelch. dex follows suit, pumping into your mouth with a fierce, competitive energy, grinning when you swallow with a hum.
you collapse into the bed, completely spent, leaking from every orifice, the scent of sex and sweat heavy in the air. as they both slide out of you, leaving you open and trembling, dex leans down to press a final, sweet kiss to your lips, his tail wagging behind him.
dex slides into bed beside you, shuffling so your head rested under his bicep while matt grabbed a warm cloth, wiping you down with soft words to shush your whines as you cling to dex. once matt and dex have cleaned themselves off, matt climbs behind you, hands gripping your waist as his nose buries itself into your hair, not caring for the scent of sex and sweat that takes up the bedroom. they both agree that the smell of you is the best thing to have graced their noses.
its silent for a second.
“i think i won.”
the last sound you heard is your hand connecting with dex’s chest and matt’s laughter in your hair.
HAII HAII!! I absolutely love all you writing and the hybrid stuff :3 super duper amazing dude seriously!! I just wanted to pop in and suggest a little something perhaps dex with a reader who is a puppy hybrid, how would he treat them or pamper them? υ˶˃ ﻌ ˂˶υ it could be born again dex fbi dex really either works!! Please don’t feel pressured or obligated to fulfill this request though!! ૮ ◜ ‧̫ ◝ ა
005 . INTAKE FORM ── BENJAMIN / WHAT IF?
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WARNING : no smut, fluff, vague description of reader, demi-humans, vague threats of violence, fbi!dex, north star.
CONFIDENTIAL MATERIAL ── 18+ ONLY.
the letter arrives on a thursday and dex reads it standing at his kitchen counter still in his work clothes, jacket on, gun still holstered, and he reads it twice and then puts it down and stands there with his hands flat on the counter and breathes through his nose for a moment in the way of someone who is being very controlled about something.
he picks it up and reads it a third time.
following your most recent psychological evaluation, it says, and in accordance with the terms of your continued employment and the recommendations of the bureau’s occupational health division, you are required to engage with the approved companion programme for a minimum trial period of ninety days. non-compliance will be noted in your file and may result in suspension from active field duty pending further review. your companion has been selected following compatibility assessment and will arrive at your residence on saturday between the hours of ten and twelve. please ensure you are home to receive them.
dex puts the letter down.
he thinks about ramirez. about her office and the soft lighting and the two hours of careful questions about sleep and interpersonal relationships and emotional regulation and about his answers, which had been accurate, which had apparently been the wrong choice. specifically he thinks about the question she’d asked near the end — do you have people, benjamin. people you’d call if something went wrong — and about the silence that had followed it, the silence that he had eventually filled with i have colleagues and that ramirez had written something about in her notes with the particular quality of someone writing something significant.
companion programme. ninety days.
the problem — the problem that he hasn’t looked at directly, that he’s been keeping in his peripheral vision since the letter arrived — is that part of him, a small and poorly-lit part that he would not acknowledge under interrogation, had read the line your companion has been selected and felt something that was not entirely objection.
he has north stars. he knows what it is to orient yourself toward something outside yourself, to need the fixed point of another person’s existence to keep the noise from getting too loud. he knows what it is to function best when someone is there, specifically there, present in the way that presence organises everything around it.
he has never had that in a way that was sanctioned. in a way that was just for him, arranged and designated and his.
he puts the letter in the kitchen drawer.
he doesn’t call his handler.
saturday arrives.
he’s been up since six. he runs. he comes back. he showers. he makes coffee and sits at the kitchen table with case files he’s not supposed to have at home and works through them with the focused efficiency of someone for whom this is simply what mornings are, and he does not think about ten o’clock, and at nine forty-five he puts the files away and makes another coffee he doesn’t need and stands in the kitchen and is not waiting.
at ten oh four, someone knocks.
the walk to the door is even and unhurried. he opens it with the flat neutral expression he wears for most things.
there is an agency representative with a clipboard and, standing slightly behind her with a duffel bag over one shoulder and her head tilted at an angle that suggests she has already been listening through the door for at least the past minute, is someone he was not expecting.
the ears register first — warm golden-brown, soft, tipped darker, swivelling immediately and completely toward him the moment the door opens with the focused attention of something that has identified the primary point of interest in the room and is not pretending otherwise. below them, dark eyes find his face with a directness that is not aggressive and is not deferential and is not anything except genuinely interested. she has a tail, the same colouring, curled warmly and already doing a slow involuntary wag that she does not appear to be policing. she is wearing a soft sweater and she has a duffel bag over one shoulder and she looks, standing in his hallway in the rain-grey light of a saturday morning, like someone who has already decided she is going to like it here.
she smiles at him.
it is a large and entirely unguarded smile and it lands somewhere in dex’s chest in a way that he immediately identifies and immediately dislikes identifying.
“hi,” she says.
dex looks at her. he looks at the agency representative. he looks back at her. he looks at the smile. “you’re the companion,” he says.
“that’s me,” she says, and her tail wags more decidedly, and she shifts the duffel bag on her shoulder. “sorry about the — i know it can be a lot when you open the door and there’s a person. i’ve been told the adjustment period varies.” her ears tip forward. “you’re benjamin poindexter.”
“dex,” he says. he doesn’t know why he says it. he always says it, it’s simply what he goes by, but there is a specific quality to saying it now that he notices and does not examine.
something in her expression does the warm thing. “dex,” she says, trying it, and her tail does an arc and her ears stay forward and she looks at him like she’s adding the information to something she’s building. “okay. i like that.”
he is not going to think about the fact that she likes it. that is not relevant information.
the agency representative talks. dex signs. the representative leaves. the hallway goes quiet.
she stands in his doorway with her duffel bag and her forward ears and her tail in its slow warm arc and she is looking at his apartment with the peripheral focused attention of someone building a picture, and he is looking at her, and the thing in the poorly-lit part of his chest is doing something he is going to need it to stop doing.
“you can come in,” he says. it comes out flatter than he intended, which is usually how things come out and is usually an asset and right now feels like it might not be.
she comes in.
she steps through the door and stops and takes the apartment in properly — the ears doing their continuous adjusting work, the nose making its subtle assessments, her eyes moving across the clean organised space with the systematic quality of someone who is actually processing what they’re seeing. she turns in a slow half circle and her tail is still doing its warm wag and she looks at the kitchen and the window and the complete absence of anything without a designated place, and she receives it all without judgment, which he notices, which he was not expecting to notice.
“very clean,” she says.
“i like order,” he says, from the doorway, because he hasn’t decided where to be yet in this situation and the doorway is at least a defined position.
“i noticed,” she says, without any edge to it, just a fact received and acknowledged, and she sets her duffel bag down against the wall by the door with a precision that he clocks immediately — out of every walkway, against the wall, minimum footprint — and turns to look at him properly.
she looks at him the way people look at things they are genuinely trying to understand, openly and with patience, and dex looks back at her with the flat observational attention of someone who has been doing this professionally for years, and neither of them looks away, and the apartment is very quiet.
“the spices are alphabetical,” she says. “cardamom, cinnamon, cumin. left to right.” her ears tip forward. “is that the whole kitchen?”
he looks at the spice rack. he looks at her. “how did you know that.”
she taps the side of her nose, matter-of-fact. “good nose. occupational thing.” a small pause, and her tail does a warm arc. “the whole kitchen?”
“yes,” he says.
“good,” she says, with the simple satisfaction of someone who has received information they were hoping for, and dex looks at the satisfaction and looks away from it because he is not going to stand in his own kitchen being affected by the fact that she approves of his organisational system. he is a federal agent. he has been in rooms with people who wanted to kill him and maintained appropriate professional detachment. he is going to manage this.
“i know this wasn’t your idea,” she says.
the directness of it catches him. not unkind, not pointed, just stated plainly and left there, clearing the air of the thing that would otherwise sit in it and get complicated.
“no,” he says.
“that’s fine,” she says. “i’m not here to make you do anything. i’m not going to ask you to talk about your feelings or sit in a circle or whatever ramirez had in mind.” she says the name easily, which means she’s read his file, which he files under noted and which should probably bother him and doesn’t particularly. “i’m just here.” her ears are forward and her tail is doing its slow warm sway and she looks at him with the expression of someone who means exactly what they say and is aware that this is unusual. “that’s all. i’m just here.”
i’m just here.
the thing in the poorly-lit part of dex’s chest does something significant that he is going to need considerable time and privacy to deal with. a fixed point. a designated, sanctioned, just for him fixed point, standing in his apartment in a soft sweater with golden-brown ears and a tail that wags without her permission and looking at him like his presence in the room is a fact she finds straightforwardly good.
he thinks about the north stars. about needing the fixed point to keep the noise level. about what it is to function best when something is there.
he thinks about how much he wants her to like his apartment.
the thought arrives fully formed and he dislikes it immediately, the wanting, the specific shape of it — not just the ninety days, not just the programme requirement, but the particular small desperate quality of i want her to think this is a good place, i want her to be comfortable here, i want her to stay. four minutes and he wants her to stay. he is aware of how this reflects on him and he is not going to let it show.
“you’ll need somewhere to sleep,” he says, because he needs to say something practical and this is practical.
“couch is fine,” she says.
“there’s a room,” he says. “with a bed. you can use it.”
she does the warm thing again with her expression, the open unguarded thing, and he looks away from it at the middle distance. “thank you,” she says, simply.
“don’t touch the files on the desk,” he says. “the kitchen closes at ten. i’m up at six.”
“i’m up at six too,” she says.
he looks at her.
“morning person,” she says, and her ears tip forward and her tail does its arc and she is looking at him with the expression of someone who is enjoying this conversation, who is finding him, specifically, interesting, and dex stands in his kitchen doorway and looks back at her and thinks about north stars and about the letter in the drawer and about ramirez’s question — do you have people, benjamin — and about the silence that had followed it.
he turns and goes back to the kitchen.
he gets a second mug out of the cupboard before she’s asked.
he is aware of doing it. he is aware of the significance of doing it without being asked. he puts the mug down next to the coffee maker and he does not turn around and he does not say anything, and he hears her come into the kitchen behind him, quiet and warm and present, and he hears the small satisfied sound she makes when she sees the second mug, and he stares at the coffee maker and thinks ninety days and knows, with the flat honest certainty of someone who is very good at assessing situations accurately, that ninety days is not going to be the problem.
the problem is going to be everything after.
“is it good coffee?” she asks, settling at his kitchen table like she’s been there before, her tail curling around the chair leg, her ears in their forward position, her dark eyes on him with their warm direct interest.
“yes,” he says.
“great,” she says, and she sounds like she means it, and dex pours the coffee and does not think about how much he wants her to mean it, and outside the window new york does its saturday thing, entirely indifferent, and the apartment is warm and quiet and no longer, for the first time in a long time, empty.
it happens gradually, the opening up. or it doesn’t happen, exactly — nothing so deliberate as a door being unlocked — it’s more that she is simply there, consistently and warmly there, and dex finds the edges of himself softening around the fact of her the way ice softens around something warm, slowly and without announcement.
the first week he is precise and professional about it. he makes coffee in the morning, two mugs, says good morning in the flat way he says most things, and she says good morning back with her ears forward and her tail doing its slow arc and her dark eyes bright with the morning in a way that he finds unreasonably difficult to look at directly before eight am. he tells her the schedule — when he leaves, when he returns, what she can and cannot touch — and she listens with the focused attention of someone who is actually going to remember all of it, which she does, which he notices.
she stays out of his files. she keeps the kitchen the way he keeps it. she puts things back exactly where she found them.
he notices all of it. he doesn’t say so.
what he does, without deciding to, is learn her. the way she takes her coffee — more milk than is strictly necessary, he thinks, but he doesn’t say this. the way her ears go soft and low when she’s tired, tipping toward him in the early evenings on the couch in a way that is not quite asking for anything and somehow communicates everything. the way she smells — something clean and warm and sweet that is simply her, that he has catalogued without meaning to and that his brain now uses as a reference point for safe, settled, good. he is aware of doing this and he does it anyway.
she asks him things. not the things ramirez would ask, not the careful clinical excavations of a professional, just — things. what he thinks about the case she can see him turning over in his head. whether he prefers the window open or closed when he sleeps. what he liked as a kid, which is a question he answers more than he expected to, which surprises him, which she receives without making anything of it.
she tells him things back. easy, unguarded things, the way she does everything — what she thinks about, what she likes, what she finds funny. she has opinions about a surprising number of subjects and delivers them with the cheerful confidence of someone who has never been particularly afraid of being wrong. her tail wags when she’s enthusiastic, which is often, and she never seems to notice it doing it.
he notices. every time.
the shopping trip is her idea, which is to say she mentions, with complete casualness, that she noticed his towels are starting to go thin and she’s been looking at some things online and she could do with some bits herself and they could go together if he wanted, and dex says he doesn’t need new towels, and she says okay with the equanimity of someone who has made a note of something and is not in a hurry, and three days later he says fine, saturday, without her having mentioned it again, and she smiles the smile and her ears come all the way up and her tail does the full warm arc and dex looks at the wall.
saturday comes and she is ready at nine, which he respects, wearing a soft cream sweater that has the texture of something very comfortable and her hair doing its usual thing and her ears in their relaxed forward position. she looks — she looks like a saturday morning. like something specifically designed for the concept. dex puts his jacket on and tells himself this is an errand and they leave.
she takes his hand on the stairs.
not dramatically. not as a statement. she takes it the way you take someone’s arm on icy ground, practical and warm, and she says the third step’s loose, watch it, and her hand is in his and they’re at the bottom of the stairs before he’s finished processing it and she hasn’t let go and he doesn’t say anything about it.
he doesn’t let go either.
the city is doing its saturday thing — loud and grey and indifferent — and she moves through it with the easy comfort of someone who has always lived in cities, her ears tracking the sounds, her nose doing its subtle work, and she keeps hold of his hand with the simple uncomplicated warmth of someone who has decided this is where her hand is going to be and has no complicated feelings about it whatsoever.
dex has complicated feelings about it.
they are not bad complicated feelings, which is the complicated part.
she stops at a shop window. looks at something. moves on. he clocks it — a display of throws, soft and thick, in the kind of colours she tends to wear. he files it. they keep walking.
the home goods store is large and warm and she moves through it with her ears forward and her tail doing its slow appreciative sway and dex follows her and learns things. she picks things up to feel them — runs her fingers across fabric samples, turns things over in her hands — and the things she lingers on are soft things, warm things, things with a quality of comfort to them that he is beginning to understand is a consistent preference. she holds up a set of sheets in a deep warm cream colour and her tail wags, just once, genuinely, and she puts them back on the shelf with the expression of someone being reasonable about something.
“do you need sheets?” dex says.
“mine are fine,” she says.
he picks the sheets up.
she turns around. “dex—”
“what else,” he says.
she looks at him. he looks back at her with the flat expression that gives nothing away except that the decision has already been made, which she is learning to read, because she is learning all of him with the same focused patience she brought to his spice rack on the first day.
“you don’t have to—”
“what else,” he says again.
a pause. her tail does the arc. her ears come forward. and then she turns back to the shelves with the expression of someone who has decided not to argue about this, and dex follows her through the store and learns that she likes weighted things and soft things and things in warm colours, and that she has a specific opinion about pillow density that she explains to him in more detail than he expected, and that her tail wags at a particular candle that smells of something warm and she picks it up and puts it back down twice before he takes it out of her hands and puts it in the basket without comment.
she looks up at him when he does it.
he looks at the candle.
“keep moving,” he says.
she keeps moving. but he catches the smile before she turns away, the real one, the open one, and something in his chest does the thing that he has stopped trying to prevent it from doing.
the towels are thick and soft and she holds one against her cheek to test it in the way that should be embarrassing to witness and somehow isn’t, and her ears do the satisfied low tilt of something that is very comfortable, and dex takes four of them and puts them in the basket, and she says dex, four is— and he says cold apartment, cold mornings, which is not a reason, and she looks at him with the warm direct eyes and doesn’t push it, which he appreciates, and they keep going.
they go back past the window on the way home.
dex stops.
“the throw,” he says.
she looks at the window. looks at him. “i don’t need a throw.”
“you sit on the couch every evening and pull the blanket off the back of it,” he says. “you’ve done it every day for two weeks.”
she opens her mouth. closes it. her ears have gone to the soft forward position that means she’s been caught out by something she wasn’t expecting. her tail does a slow, involuntary, entirely honest arc.
“it’s fine,” she says. “the blanket is—”
“which colour,” he says, looking at the display.
a pause that is long enough to be its own answer.
“the dark green one,” she says quietly. “but dex, you don’t—”
he goes into the shop. he comes back out three minutes later with the dark green throw in a bag and he hands it to her and she stands on the pavement holding it and looking at him with an expression that is doing several things and none of them are the warm simple openness she usually leads with — this is something more careful, more surprised, something that goes somewhere deeper and is less sure what to do with what it finds there.
“thank you,” she says, and her voice does something on it that he doesn’t look at too directly.
“you were cold,” he says.
she looks at him for a moment.
“yeah,” she says, softly. “okay.”
they walk back with her hand in his and the bag bumping against her leg and the city doing its loud indifferent thing around them, and dex is carrying everything else — the sheets and the towels and the candle and the three other small soft things he’d put in the basket at various points without announcing he was doing it — and he is looking at the pavement ahead of them and he is not thinking about the smile she’d made or the way her tail had wagged at the sheets or the specific quality of warmth that has been building in the poorly-lit part of his chest since the first morning he put the second mug out without being asked.
he is not thinking about any of it.
they get back to the apartment and she puts the throw over her lap on the couch that evening and her ears go to their soft comfortable low angle and she tucks herself into the corner with her coffee and the throw pulled up to her waist and she looks, in his apartment, in his living room, in the low lamp light of a saturday evening, like something that belongs there.
dex sits at the other end of the couch with his own coffee and his case notes and he reads the same page four times.
he doesn’t say anything.
neither does she.
the apartment is warm and quiet and outside the window new york does what it always does, and the throw is the dark green one, and the candle is burning on the coffee table and it smells exactly like it smelled in the shop, and dex looks at his case notes and does not think about north stars or fixed points or the specific and considerable giddiness of watching someone’s tail wag at a set of sheets he bought for her.
he does not think about any of it.
he turns the page.
she is, it turns out, very clingy.
not in a way that demands anything — she doesn’t ask for it, doesn’t make a production of it, it’s simply that she gravitates toward him the way warm things gravitate toward warmth, naturally and without apparent self-consciousness, and dex finds himself being gravitated toward at a frequency that he had not anticipated and is not handling as professionally as he’d like.
she sits close on the couch. closer than necessary given the available square footage. she appears at his elbow in the kitchen in the mornings in the way of something that has located the warmest point in the room and decided to be near it. she falls asleep sometimes in the evenings with her legs tucked up and her head tipped toward his shoulder in a way that hasn’t quite made contact yet but has clearly considered it, and dex sits very still on those evenings and reads the same page of his notes approximately fourteen times.
her tail, he has noticed, wags more when he’s nearby. she hasn’t noticed this about herself. he’s not going to tell her.
the food market is her idea. she mentions it on a thursday with her ears forward and her tail doing the enthusiastic arc of something that has already decided this is happening and is extending the courtesy of informing him. there’s a good one, she says, saturday mornings, not far, they have the good bread she likes and she wants to get ingredients for the thing she’s been planning to make, and dex says he doesn’t need anything, and she looks at him with her dark eyes and says i know, but i’d like you to come with the simple directness she applies to most things, and he goes.
saturday. the market is loud and crowded and smells of fifty things at once and dex assesses the crowd density in the first thirty seconds and identifies four potential exit routes and settles into the particular low-grade vigilance that crowds require of him, the noise doing its thing at the back of his skull, and she is beside him with her basket and her soft sweater and her ears doing their continuous tracking work and she is looking at everything with the delight of someone for whom markets are fundamentally good and correct places to be.
she stops at the bread stall. talks to the man behind it with the easy warmth she brings to every human interaction, her tail doing a slow arc, and she comes back with a sourdough under her arm and finds dex precisely where she left him and looks at his face and her expression changes.
“hey,” she says.
“i’m fine,” he says.
“you’re doing the jaw thing,” she says.
he is, apparently, doing the jaw thing. he stops doing the jaw thing. “the jaw thing,” he says.
“when the noise gets too much,” she says, matter-of-factly, filing it away alongside everything else she has been quietly collecting about him since she arrived. “your jaw goes tight and you start clocking exits.” she says it without pity and without making it into anything, just a thing she has noticed and is acknowledging. “there are four,” she adds. “i already checked.”
he looks at her.
“come on,” she says, and she takes his hand.
not like on the stairs, the casual practical warmth of that first time. this is deliberate — her fingers finding his properly, her hand warm and unhurried, and she pulls him forward into the crowd with the confidence of someone who has decided where they’re going and has brought him along, and he follows, because she has his hand and because the noise does do something slightly different when she’s got hold of him, something that he is not going to examine in the middle of a saturday market.
she stops at a produce stall and she does not let go of his hand, she just turns to look at something on the stall and keeps his hand in hers and her tail is doing its warm sway and she is examining tomatoes with the serious focus she brings to things she cares about. dex stands beside her and looks at the crowd and does not clock the exits again because he is looking at her instead, which is better.
“these are good,” she tells him, holding up a tomato with great conviction.
“i don’t doubt it,” he says.
she grins at him. the full one, the open one, the one that does the thing to the poorly lit part of his chest, and then she pulls him toward the next stall, and they go through the market like this — her hand in his, her pulling him gently wherever she wants to go, her tail waving the whole time, her ears forward and bright and interested in everything.
at the olive stall she stops and turns and tilts her head up at him — because he has several inches on her and she is apparently done conducting this conversation at a height that requires her to look up — and she puts her free hand on his arm and pulls him down toward her level, not all the way, just enough that they are no longer conducting a conversation between two different altitude zones, and she says, animatedly, at close range, that these are the ones she wanted, the ones with the herbs, and he needs to try one, and she holds one up and looks at him with her ears forward and her tail wagging with the enthusiasm of someone who has found exactly what they came for.
he eats the olive.
“well?” she says, watching his face with great interest.
“it’s an olive,” he says.
“it’s a good olive,” she says, with great feeling, and her tail does a full arc, and she turns back to the stall with his hand still in hers, and dex stands there and thinks about the olive and about her and about the warm pressure of her hand in his and about the fact that she had pulled him down to her level like it was the most natural thing in the world, like he was something she had access to, like he was hers to reach for.
the thought sits in his chest and he lets it.
then he notices the people.
there are two of them, a couple, standing a few feet back and looking at him and her with the specific quality of looking that people do when they have clocked the ears and the tail and are having a reaction to them that they feel entitled to display openly. the man says something to the woman, low, and the woman does the small smile of someone who agrees with what has been said, and they keep looking.
dex looks at them.
they don’t stop looking.
he puts his hands on her waist.
it’s not a dramatic gesture — not a scene, not an announcement, just his hands finding her waist and drawing her back into him, out of the eyeline of the people staring, out of the immediate radius of the crowd that has been pressing in from the other side. she comes easily, still holding her olives, still mid-sentence about the herb combination, and her back meets his chest and she pauses in what she’s saying for just a moment, and he feels rather than hears the small sound she makes, something warm and settled.
she keeps talking. but her tail, which had been its usual forward sway, wraps slightly toward him, and her ears turn back just fractionally in his direction, and she keeps hold of his hand with hers and gestures with the other one about the olives.
he keeps his hands where they are.
she is talking about the olive oil she wants to find next, and he is watching the people over the top of her head, and the people are still looking, and dex looks at them with the flat unblinking patience of someone who has all day and whose hands are on a person he has decided he is going to be territorial about, and they look away.
but she has noticed too. he can tell by the slight set of her shoulders, the quality of her stillness underneath the continued talking, the way her eyes have tracked briefly to the side and then back. she continues talking about the olive oil. her tail is doing a slow, very controlled sway.
they are sitting in a ceramic pot on the counter of the stall beside it, long and thin and evenly weighted, and dex looks at them with the automatic professional assessment of someone who has been calculating range and trajectory since before it was his job, and then he looks at the couple four stalls down who have been watching her since they walked in, the particular quality of their looking, and then he looks at the bamboo skewers again.
he knows exactly where they would land.
he knows because he knows where everything lands. every time. without exception.
“dex,” she says, from beside him.
“i’m not doing anything,” he says.
“you’re looking at those skewers like you’re measuring them,” she says.
“i’m looking at the olives,” he says.
she looks at the olives too. she looks at the skewers. she looks at the couple four stalls down. she looks back at him. “dex,” she says.
“they keep looking,” he says.
“i know,” she says.
“it’s been ten minutes,” he says.
“i know,” she says, and her hand tightens in his slightly. “don’t.”
“i wasn’t going to,” he says, and he was absolutely calculating it, and she knows, and he knows she knows, and neither of them says so.
his eyes move to the cocktail forks on the counter. he does the calculation involuntarily. he always does. she follows his gaze and makes a sound that is very fond and very exasperated in equal measure and steps closer to him, her shoulder into his arm, her tail doing the slow controlled sway of someone being reasonable against their strong preference.
“come on,” she says, and steers him firmly toward the olive oils, and he goes, and he does not throw anything, and the couple four stalls down remain unharmed, which is a choice he makes consciously and which costs him more than it should.
his hands are still on her waist and she is still warm against his chest and she smells like the clean sweet thing she always smells like and the market is loud and bright around both of them and the people have looked away and she is still holding his hand.
“the olive oil is two stalls down,” she says, returning to the previous topic with the ease of someone changing channels.
“lead the way,” he says.
she leads the way. his hands drop from her waist but she doesn’t let go of his hand, she just turns and walks and brings him with her, her tail back to its warm sway, her ears forward, her basket over her arm, and dex follows and looks at the crowd over her head and thinks about north stars and fixed points and the particular and considerable problem of having found one that does not know it is one and that pulls him through saturday markets by the hand and gets annoyed on his behalf at strangers and eyes up cocktail forks in his defence.
at the olive oil stall she turns and holds a bottle up with both hands — which requires letting go of him, briefly, and she does it and then takes his hand back immediately when she’s done, without looking, without thinking about it, just the automatic returning to where her hand wants to be — and says smell that, dex, smell that and tell me that isn’t the best thing you’ve ever—
he smells it.
“it’s good,” he says.
“it’s the best,” she says, and her tail wags, and her ears come all the way up, and she looks at him with her dark eyes bright and her smile at full width and her hand warm in his, and dex stands at a market stall holding olive oil on a saturday morning and feels, in the specific and poorly-lit part of his chest that he has been managing carefully for weeks, something that is large and warm and has run out of room to be contained.
“we’ll take two,” he tells the man behind the stall.
she makes a sound beside him that is very close to a squeak and is immediately converted into something more dignified. her tail does a full warm arc. he does not look at it.
“dex,” she says.
“one for cooking,” he says. “one for the bread.”
“that’s—” she stops. “okay,” she says quietly.
“is there anything else?” he says.
she looks around the market with her ears forward and her tail swaying and the expression of someone who is going to need a moment before she trusts her voice fully. “the cheese stall,” she says finally. “at the end.”
“right,” he says.
they go to the cheese stall.
she holds his hand the whole way, and at the cheese stall, and at the bread stall again because she wants a second one, and all the way home through the grey saturday city, and dex lets her and looks at the pavement ahead of them and thinks about nothing in particular and everything at once, and the market bag is heavy in his other hand and she is warm at his side and outside his apartment building she stops and tilts her head up at him with her ears soft and her eyes warm and she says, simply and without any performance of it:
“thank you for today.”
“it was a market,” he says.
“i know,” she says, and smiles, and her tail does the arc, and she goes inside.
dex stands on the pavement for a moment.
then he follows her in.
it happens so gradually that dex doesn’t notice he’s doing it until he’s already done it, and by then it’s too late to pretend it isn’t happening.
the first sign, if he’d been paying attention to signs, is the grocery shopping.
he has always bought for one. efficient, precise, nothing wasted — he knows exactly what he needs for the week and he buys exactly that and the system has worked perfectly well for years. the first week she’s there he buys for one and then remembers and adds her things, separate, deliberate, a conscious addition. by the third week he is buying for two without thinking about it, and by the fifth week he has stopped thinking of it as buying for two at all. he just buys what they need, and what they need includes the specific yoghurt she likes and the bread that makes her ears do the satisfied tilt and the particular tea she drinks in the evenings, and he does not notice that his mental category of what we need has expanded to include another person until he is standing in the cereal aisle one tuesday morning reaching for the one she mentioned in passing two weeks ago that she used to have as a kid, and he holds the box and looks at it and puts it in the basket, and that is the moment he notices, and he puts it in the basket anyway.
by the second month his entire day has quietly restructured itself around her without his authorisation.
he wakes up and his first thought is whether she’s up yet. he makes two coffees — her mug is the wide one, more milk than is necessary, he has her order memorised in the way he memorises things that matter — and the sound of her coming down the hallway in the mornings, the soft footfall and the small sounds she makes when she’s not fully awake yet, her tail doing its slow morning sway, has become something his body orients toward the way it orients toward an exit point. not because of threat assessment. because it is the best part of the morning.
he notices when she’s cold before she says so. he turns the heating up. he notices when she’s tired before she notices, the way her ears tip toward him and her movements get slower and her tail slows its arc, and he turns the television down or says go to bed in the flat voice and she always does, and he sits in the quiet after and is not sure what to do with the fullness of it.
he is aware of all of this. he catalogues it with the same honest precision he applies to everything and he does not lie to himself about what it is. it is what it is and he is going to have to deal with it and in the meantime he is going to turn the heating up when she’s cold.
the couch is where it happens, mostly. the couch is where the walls come down in the incremental way of walls that have been standing a long time and are coming down slowly enough that you can almost pretend they’re not.
she has claimed the left side. this was not discussed. it happened organically in the first week and has not changed. the dark green throw lives there now, folded over the armrest when she’s not using it and across her lap when she is, and dex sits on the right side with his case notes or his coffee or the book he’s nominally reading, and the lamp makes the room warm and the city outside does its thing.
the distance between left side and right side has been decreasing by increments so small that dex has not called attention to any of them.
it starts with her feet tucked up under her on the cushion, taking up more space than the left side technically requires. then the throw spreading slightly further than her lap. then her shoulder finding his arm at some point in the evenings, a warmth that he stops registering as a surprise somewhere in the third week and starts registering as simply where she is. then her head, tipping slowly toward him over the course of an evening until it finds his shoulder and stays there, and he keeps reading and does not move, and her breathing evens out and her ears go soft and her tail stills, and he sits there in the lamplight and turns pages he isn’t reading.
on a friday in the sixth week she falls asleep properly, fully, her head on his shoulder and the throw pulled up and her tail doing the slow rhythm of something deeply and genuinely at rest, and dex sits there for a long time and then, with the careful deliberateness of a decision being made, raises his hand and scratches behind her ear.
she makes a sound in her sleep that is the best sound he has ever heard.
her ear twitches under his fingers. she doesn’t wake up. he keeps going, slow and gentle, the base of the ear where the fur is softest, and her whole face relaxes in a way it doesn’t quite manage when she’s awake, and her tail does one slow, deeply contented arc, and dex sits in his apartment at eleven o’clock on a friday night and scratches behind the ear of his therapy companion who has become his north star without asking permission, and the lamp is warm and the throw is the dark green one he bought for her and outside the window new york is entirely indifferent.
he doesn’t stop until she stirs.
she blinks up at him, not quite awake, her ears soft and her eyes unfocused and her expression unguarded in the particular way of someone caught between sleep and waking where they haven’t put anything on yet, and she looks at him and she smiles, the slow warm real one.
“hi,” she says, sleepy.
“go to bed,” he says.
“mm,” she says, and does not move for another several minutes, and he lets her, and his hand stays where it is.
the nose thing he doesn’t plan at all.
she is sitting at the kitchen table on a wednesday morning with her coffee and her hair doing its thing and her ears in their soft forward morning position, reading something on her phone with the focused interest she brings to everything, and he brings her coffee — refill, she hadn’t asked, he’d noticed the mug was nearly empty — and she looks up at him with the warm eyes and the smile, and he is close because he’s putting the mug down, and she looks up at him and he looks down at her and something in the poorly-lit part of his chest makes a unilateral decision and he presses a kiss to her nose.
brief. warm. entirely unplanned.
he straightens up and goes back to the kitchen.
there is a silence behind him.
“dex,” she says.
“the coffee was getting cold,” he says, which is not a response to anything she said but is the only thing available to him right now.
another silence.
“okay,” she says, softly, and he hears the smile in it, and her tail does a single warm arc that he can feel in the room without looking at it, and she goes back to her phone.
he makes himself another coffee he doesn’t need and leans against the counter and stares at the spice rack and thinks about north stars and about the considerable problem of having found one and about how the problem has, at some point in the past six weeks, stopped feeling like a problem.
he does it again the next morning. and the morning after that. brief, warm, unremarked upon. she tilts her face up for it after the first week, the small automatic adjustment of someone who has incorporated a thing into their morning without deciding to. her ears always do the soft forward tilt when he does it. he always looks away after.
the throw is on the couch and the olive oil is in the cupboard and the cereal she liked as a kid is on the second shelf and her mug is the wide one and he turns the heating up when she’s cold, and dex stands in his kitchen on an ordinary wednesday morning and looks at the spice rack and understands, with the flat honest precision of someone who does not lie to himself about assessed situations, that he has built his entire life around a person who wags her tail at good olive oil and eyes up bamboo skewers in his defence and falls asleep on his shoulder and tilts her face up in the mornings, and that he would not, given the opportunity, change a single thing about it.
he makes the coffee.
he brings her the mug.
she looks up at him.
he presses a kiss to her nose.
she smiles.
her tail wags.
outside the window, new york is indifferent and vast, and the apartment is warm, and that is, more than anything else dex has ever had, enough.