man, wanderstop looks so gorgeous on normal settings. nintendo switch only shows some pixelated crap. it's pretty but not breathtaking. i want to play on breathtaking settings one day😞
my biggest tangible wish is to get a computer, like, a reeeally good computer. i already found the parts I want though by the time I finally get enough money to get them all, there will most likely be newer and better options. i genuinely can't wait to be very overwhelmed by the amount of games available for me (my steam collection keeps growing..)!! i feel like this is something so important. my own awesome computer. that i'd build on my own.
and I feel like I'd have to plan on what to do before I could actually use it. to some extent it's fun... figuring out how to optimize everything and what programs to download and all that stuff. but it's also scary because I'd be able to work in more art mediums. plus these games. and all the other stuff. I'm going to feel like I have to do everything immediately and get the hang of it fast. i know it's stupid. I just feel like time's running out. and the energy is running out. what if by the time I get to something i wanted to try I won't be interested in it anymore??
i don't want to be like a regular iphone user. i want to understand everything my device has to offer and I want to mold it into the best version, something that feels like a part of me. does this make sense? I'm talking organization and personalization. and getting rid of annoying stuff.
I'd have to maintain it. software, hardware.... simple clean ups or something more convoluted. it's not just a computer, it's an Investment
oh wait the post was about wanderstop! yeah uh I kind of wish the playing hours would show up on steam, so I could say like.... yes. i have played this game. i like it. i deserve to say that i like it. i played for 20+ hours, see? that's how you know that I'm a fan. if I just leave a positive review on steam it just wouldn't feel meaningful enough. it's weird. it's something the game is trying to confront me about, I'm aware. I get that it's LITERALLY THE MAIN POINT i just can't accept it yet. i can't. I'm glad that the game exists though. i feel seen and acknowledged and supported, but it's not enough. maybe I should get into more media like that to finally start to believe that my own experience is enough on it's own, that i don't have to prove anything, that I'm enough as I am. I have this problem even when it comes to the smallest things. i don't understand why I'm like this, I can't pinpoint this on anything specific. a part of me wants to be told by someone who's important to me, who i admire, who has a higher status in my eyes than I have, i want them to tell me that I'm good, because maybe then I'll finally believe them. but I know it won't fix anything. it'd be a very nice bandaid though. on a broken arm
validation from someone who's cooler than me feels super addictive. yet when I think about it for long enough i realize that this person doesn't really know me so their opinion doesn't matter That much. I know I'd feel very, very good for once, but it's because of the validation, not because my problem got fixed. if anything it might even make it worse, i don't know. it's shallow. god I hope that if someone who's like, super cool, reads this, I hope that they wouldn't hold back the validation because of it. i know that nobody's gonna read this at all, so I'm not actually communicating anything directly, but like, it's just more of a explanation of how i think, for someone who's curious. I'm trying to not be this person, I'm trying to be helpful and kind. read this as a character analysis piece, please.
ok so here's a question, is my desire to understand why I'm like this comes from genuine desire to understand and help myself, or is it just something that I want to use as an intellectualization tactic so I could feel like at least I've got Some stuff under control? it's probably the latter. the longer I'm writing this the longer I'm starting to think that all these problems are really cliche and boring and I'm just trying to make myself look smart by talking about them for so long. i feel like everything I say is weird and wrong no matter what it is, and if someone says otherwise, they must be lying about it to make me feel good, or maybe, and I know it's going to sound very rude, maybe they themselves are as dumb or are as dumber as me if they think that this is something worth paying attention to. i felt this way very badly after that twitter controversy that I started. i feel like everyone who'd support me were just stupid and couldn't see the whole picture. i could only trust the negative opinions. for some reason people who say something bad about me, especially when they're confident, and they usually are, feels like a non-negotiable truth. this is the only thing that I've always felt throughout my entire life. so even if there are millions of people that say that I'm a good person who deserves kindness, I'd rather call them all idiots and would trust the only person who'd call me a bad and pathetic person. i don't try to show it, because, again, it's very rude. i don't want to upset anyone, especially when my opinion is super warped and harmful and hurtful. so I just keep it to myself. i wonder for how much longer I can pretend that I'm someone I'm not. the more i think about myself the more i feel like there are just way way way too many problems with me or maybe it's just one big problem that grows roots into everything I think, and I hate this, it's suffocating, the more i think the more it feels like I'm being choked alive. i wish i could remove this root off myself, but I don't even think there's a way to do it! sometimes, very rarely, i would be surrounded by nice people, and nice situations, and I would feel like I don't have to think about all this, because why would I, the problem isn't there, I'm good and I'm enough and it's a fact. but then, once the joy ends, once I'm on my own for too long, i realize that the problem hasn't disappeared, I just turned a blind eye on it, I feel like it was a moment of nativity and stupidity, of course the chain is still there, it's my default state, and I can't keep running from the truth forever. god I'm so cringe and my problems are shallow anyway wanderstop graphics suck on nswitch ew ew ew. still, it's miles better than nothing and it runs fast. i wouldn't be able to play the game otherwise. for a brief moment I was actually considering switching to a playthrough, oh how I'm glad that i decided to stick around, oh how I'm glad.
