in your opinion, what is the coolest non-lethal animal, reptile or insect in Australia?
From my far-away perspective, Aus is filled with syphilitic koalas and the fucking enormous spiders and that nightmare giant bird with the eyes, and the general vibe seems to be that everything there is actively trying to kill you and I’m wondering if that’s true
The syphilis I am empathetic towards: we all make high, horny mistakes, but the general sound of them (google it) and their distraction from all the other cool shit irks me.
Quokkas are fucking adorable and we would be exporting their image more except they're endangered because they are dumb as fuck and haven't learned about humans or cars or shit. Cute as fuck though. And there's an island with no cars where you can do and meet them and their dumbfuckery means they lean into gratuitous selfies.
We have really hairy caterpillars. I rescued one today, it had crawled several meters into the building at work and I got it on a big leaf and took it outside. Some of them fucking burn though, so I never touch them. Cuties though.
I get these bastards in my yard occasionally... Like almost a foot long. Big dumb blue tongues (that's their name, actually). They're pretty placid but I only say that because I've never been bit. If you fuck with them, they do bite and their jaw strength is apparently pretty bad. My dad got bit once, and I know dogs that have lost chunks of tongues. Cute little fuckers though.
And then this fucker, the Australian magpie. I would let any other aussie animal live in my yard - snakes, spiders, dingoes - they are all safer, less fucking aggressive. I have a family of magpies roosting in my backyard and they have youngsters which is lovely for them, and I'll admit their song is nice, but these bitches swoop to kill. Like they will literally see a human in their space, especially now with babies at the start of spring, and they will gouge your fucking face off. Do not google it, there are lots of videos and actual news stories about death and maiming.
Oh and... this guy I love:
Aussie huntsman. Size of your palm. The ultimate independent house-protecting pet. I will happily welcome these fuckers into my house. I will talk to them, explain the rules: Stay out of the bedroom and the toilet, and don't position yourself above doorways or exactly where I want to sit. Otherwise: welcome. They aren't very poisonous at all, they're not aggressive, and they like living in plain view. I've had regular house guests since my teens. Plus they eat all the other spiders and bugs. Genuinely love these guys.
So, like, yeah a lot will try to kill you, but in all likelihood huntsmen and magpies will eat them first.