been having just a smidge of a hard time recently. (semi-vent post under the break, if you wish to read.)
i just got done with my university semester, technically end of my sophomore year, technically start of my freshman year? its complicated, i transferred. and despite spending all of it with the lovely light of my life, i don’t think i’d ever felt so lonely in my life, perhaps save for the pandemic. it was a different kind of lonely- not some longing for love or companionship- i had that already. i just didn’t make any friends of my own- i kind of got swept into a group that was my partner’s, and not my own. i didn’t bond with these people like my partner did, and i didn’t fit in with them really either. i enjoyed spending time with them and we got along well enough, and i have a lot of happy memories and funny videos to look back on now, but every time i went to hang out with them it was similar to trying to shove a puzzle peice where it didn’t belong. i was an outsider- literally, having transferred and moved from across the country- and i wasn’t used to the region or the demeanor of people from the area. and most of my classes had this same group in them- all being from the same major, go figure- but it didn’t give me many opportunities to branch out and interact with people aside from this group.
i felt like i was kinda floating on an ice sheet with these same people, and even though i didnt really like it on this platform, branching out to another one would take swimming through the freezing water.
only one person, maybe two of the roughly 8 of us were any form of inclusive or inviting to me, to my recollection. and we got along pretty good, but it just felt like every invitation to go hang out with the group was an inconvenience. like “oh we’re gonna go hang out, i guess we should invite komo to come along.” and there were some hangouts that didnt involve me, which i was fine with. again, i was an outsider they had known for maybe a month or two when they’d all known each other for the whole semester previous. im lucky my partner doubles as my best friend and we never mind hanging out with each other, because otherwise i think i wouldve just left mid-semester and went home. i did meet a few people on my own, but because i rarely saw them and they had little interest in hanging out outside of class, their status to me has remained more of “aquaintances” or classmates than actual friends.
secondary to the friend problem, it was recently brought to my attention by my partner that i pretty much have art block or art burnout all? the time?? and have for years??? so. im not sure what that says about my rickety roller-coaster of a mental state but i know it isnt good. i just brought up how i feel like i can’t draw most of the time, or when i want to what i make isnt satisfactory or doesnt look good. at first i thought it was just a style crisis- since i tend to have those pretty frequently and change up the way i draw or try something new cause i get bored of the last thing. but every now and then its like im blessed by the art gods and i can draw exactlly what i want the way i want to. it used to happen more frequently in previous years but its become less and less frequent now, no matter how much of my time dedicate to drawing.
im trying to refresh myself by drawing on paper more often but its still incredibly difficult to come up with anything or even want to draw most days. of course i want to- i have fun with it and i like drawing and its more often than not an outlet for me. but i just feel… stuck. similar to my friends, i dont like where i am and i want to leave it but im not going to like the process to get there and i might not like the outcome. some of its my own personal anxieties, i know, but its hard to move past those.
anyways, i just remembered yesterday that its mermay and i want to make at least a few pieces for the summer season. maybe thinking of the ocean will keep me going for a little longer.
until next time, i hope everyone takes care of themselves. remember to hydrate and drink water even if its not hot outside; your body still needs it. :)
if youve read to all the way down here, thanks for hearing out the problems of a rando on the internet. i appreciate you taking the time to do that.