#kotu.doc

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me: im ok

my brain: u can pinpoint the exact moment that it truly hits cas that dean is sending him to his death and hes still gonna go willingly

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ok but we can all acknowledge that dean “this is cas’ room that i gave to him so that he can stay if he wants to but he never stays because he doesnt want to” and cas “this is the spare room that i am allowed to use when dean and sam have no choice but to let me stay here because they need me to do something for them” both being true is absolutely what happened here right 

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cas NEEDS to do more freaky weird shit im literally on my hands and knees begging you to realize that this man absolutely 100% walks around the bunker with earbuds constantly in his ears and when dean finally asks him what the fuck hes listening to all the time, cas hands him an earbud and its just high pitched screechy static with white noise 

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me thinking i can act normal vs dean making this face in heaven cant wait

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the thing that really gets me about cas being erased in the finale is like. so much of his development was about his self worth and how little he has. even when he started out righteous and (moderately) full of himself (side note here that all the times cas gets taken down by his own pride it was only pride via perceiving himself as useful so jot THAT down) there was always an underlying thread of self-worth issues, barely covered by the fact that he had someone (read: heaven) giving him “purpose” and he could manufacture self-worth from that. and then cas thought dedicating himself to dean, to humanity even, could replace the worth heaven had put on him. but the whole time, cas’ plots were him failing and screwing up and feeling like hes a burden on the people around him and good for nothing and lest we forget the plot thread of him slowly losing his powers, the only thing he had left that he could use to assign any semblance of worth to himself! cas based how much he mattered on what he could do for others and still he continuously got labeled as the one to fuck everything up even to the point of dean saying as much in s15 and then. and then. the writers decide “hey lets have him sacrifice himself to save the person he loves most because surely that is the one thing cas could think of himself doing that was worth anything” and in the end they didnt even make it worth anything. they killed dean off anyway and barely mentioned cas again like he didnt matter and they killed him off in a way that validated all his self hatred and guilt and honestly? im about to start biting

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me trying to be normal and not applying cas being in denial about his love for dean for years to whatever the Fuck was going on in endverse 

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i talk abt endverse cas a lot but truthfully endverse dean makes me BONKERS. theres so much to unpack there. to me cas is pretty easy to understand, hes hungry and hes desperate and hes the kind of person to give in to desire. but endverse dean is like. fuck. what happened. obviously theyre both the “bad ending” version of themselves but like endverse dean hits different. hes so cold. hes so clearly dean and yet he has nothing left that made dean dean. none of the softness, the care, the love; hes just walking around like some kind of.. husk. and i know that sam saying yes to lucifer obviously played the main role in that transformation but something else happened. something else happened to that man to make him like that. past dean is already the king of repression but holy shit when you put him next to endverse dean its like he finally figured out how to turn it all off. fuck me its like he and cas emotionally switched places and i hate it actually.

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the cas punishment thesis is so strong that in on the head of a pin cas immediately jumps to the reason angels are being murdered, if not by demons, is because his garrison specifically (including him) deserves to be punished for failing and losing the war. cas is SO DEEP in this Thing he has about punishment/deserving to be punished, this belief that has been put inside him that “i am failing/doing something wrong/etc” = “punishment” = “i deserve this because i am bad, no other reason” that he projects it onto the entire garrison and assumes this is the only logical conclusion. cas beloved please seek help i am begging y