#kowalski analysis

[antarcticcrew]

[jtheplante]

if life was actually good

[mr-owen-burnett]

i cropped human!kowalski to leave only the good parts. idk why i made him so hot. he sounds sexy maybe thats why. but then most characters voiced by jeff bennett sound sexy as hell. prove me wrong

[arctixout]

The transition from NGVOT to Vem da greš

[classicbarbie]

barbie (the actress) exchanging emails with aiden in the pegasus bloopers suggests that either 1) aiden is not played by ken OR 2) eric, stefan, daniel, julian and dominic from the previous movies are not played by ken

[gorojji]

[gensdesire]

The four genders: slut, loser, princess and baby girl

[polcasan]

i am absolutely having thoughts about how karan wongkarun probably grew up his entire life feeling unseen, for all that he's always been popular and the center of attention, it has always felt like wearing a theatre mask.

everyone looks at him and sees the shell of him. "oh, what a pretty face," they all say and that's all karan is to them. even with 7 consecutive years of best employee awards, sometimes he's not sure if the other staff at the company realize that he's more than just "that good-looking guy in sales". but then again, when he goes home, he's just karan, the model son, the one who dabbles in strange interests sometimes but always returns back to the right track. so he doesn't expect much from people who aren't even his parents.

it's no surprise that he fell for achi, really. it makes sense that karan would fall, headfirst, crashing so hard that he can't make sense of the world without achi anymore, after that disastrous night with kun kem and the sales team seniors. after all, he's always ached to be seen, to be known, to be understood and achi is perhaps the first person who has ever made him feel that way, that he isn't just a vapid face breezing by comfortably in life with no direction, carried by luck and human fondness for what counts as a handsome face.

when he finds out that achi can read his mind, he's surprised achi was ever even worried in the first place. the sense of overwhelming bliss and rightness that settles in his gut is immediate. the idea that someone heard everything that was going on inside his head and didn't flinch away, but drew closer to him instead? the words asking achi to move in form faster than he can think to hold them back.

the days that come after that are a dream within a dream. achi doesn't shy away or get sick of him no matter how many times he says "i love you". there are never any requests for time alone or for karan to keep his hands to himself, so that achi can finally have some peace. the voice that karan has learnt to smother away inside his head can run free, nattering at a mile a minute and he's never told, "karan, please keep quiet" or met with a stretch of uninterested silence.

every time karan reaches out to connect to achi, he's greeted with quiet, shy pleasure. it's mind boggling. the novelty of being so wholly accepted and loved doesn't wear off.

but being loved doesn't heal all wounds. and as much as karan relishes in being loved by achi, he can't help the niggling voice at the back of his head that whispers, "no one likes a crybaby, karan. stop those tears now." especially after achi moves back into his own house, even if it was at karan's suggestion and for practical reasons. after getting a taste of achi's unconditional acceptance, karan wants to be even better. he wants to be good, the best.

when achi pushes about loy krathong and tries to touch him, karan reflexively hides. he's not mad. he really isn't. the logical part of him has all the reasons lined up inside his head, and he knows he isn't angry with achi for things beyond their control. it would be ridiculous. but that doesn't change the fact that he's sad. he feels all of four years old again, stifling his tears because "at a party, karan? you should know better." and he should. he should know better than to feel sad at the thought of parting with the one person who has ever made him feel like a human being, not a human doing. it's not even about loy krathong. karan is just incredibly sad to be apart from achi and he doesn't know how to handle it.

his ignorance costs him. achi excuses himself and leaves and a part of karan feels devastated. he wants to immediately run after achi, to grab him, and offer him unfettered access to karan's mind again. if that's what achi wants, if that's what will bring him back, karan would do it. never mind the gulf of sadness that he doesn't know how to set aside. he'll do anything to get away from the bone aching absence of achi from his life.

instead, like a dog that's been perfectly trained, karan follows his pavlovian reaction and stays quiet. he doesn't push to reconnect with achi. he doesn't reach out to apologize. all he knows how to do is give achi space. he is always too much, more than what people want of him, so he has to swallow all his words and keep them inside, and never let a single peep slip out. the only way he knows how to do that with someone who knows how to read his mind is to stay away, even if it's at odds with everything he wants to do. he knows better than to force the subject.

but achi isn't karan's parents and he's never wanted to file off karan's sharp edges. when karan confesses to his sadness, achi doesn't blink at it or frown. that sends a thrilling realization through karan that perhaps, even if he really is all of his ugly, jagged pieces of himself, achi will still love him.

it's not a cure-all miracle, but it's a start and it gives karan the confidence that there might really not be anything about himself abhorrent enough for achi to ignore until karan fixes it by hiding it away.

every little message or update that achi sends him from nakhon si thammarat reassures him that achi isn't going anywhere, that there is nothing he can do to drive his beloved away. when achi does his best to make it for their promised video calls, even when he looks absolutely exhausted, it silences the voices in karan's head. all karan has ever wanted was for his love to be seen and reciprocated, if not in full then perhaps as much as the other could do.

achi makes karan feel like his love is worth fighting for, like his love is something that motivates and strengthens, not something that needs to be controlled and moderated.

ANYWAY this got way out of hand and ended up more like a drabble than some lighthearted meta about my karan feels. i also absolutely do think that if anybody regrets achi no longer being able to read minds, its karan. not to the degree that he would sacrifice any aspect of their relationship to have it back or to not have lost it in the first place, but i do think karan will always be nostalgic for the idea of someone being able to read him so completely just by touching him and still loving him anyway :-) thank goodness achi knows him and continues to get to know him and still loves him anyway