title : it's not you
pairing : park jongseong x gn! reader
requested : nah i brought this suffering upon myself
genres : angst af teeny tiny bit of fluff if u squint extremely hard
warnings : one use of the f-word, crying, mentions of fighting, kinda toxic relationship ngl
note : this is my first time writing in a while so i rlly hope this doesn't flop-
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my shoulders slumped involunterily as i read over the 50 text messages that i had sent to my boyfriend, jay. he hadn't replied and there was no indication that he had read them, which was frustrating since the last text i sent was over 3 hours ago. i was used to this, though. it's pretty much become a routine by now; we have one of our stupid fights, he walks out and returns 2-3 days later with an apology and a smile.
what an odd word to use for this situation. normal. absolutely nothing about this is normal. normal used to be him waking me up in the morning with a warm cup of coffee. normal used to be him sending me 'i miss you' texts whenever he was at work. normal used to be us having deep conversations late at night about our darkest secrets and childhood memories.
what an odd word to use for this situation. normal. absolutely nothing about this is normal. normal used to be him waking me up in the morning with a warm cup of coffee. normal used to be him sending me 'i miss you' texts whenever he was at work. normal used to be us having deep conversations late at night about our darkest secrets and childhood memories.
what an odd word to use for this situation. normal. absolutely nothing about this is normal. normal used to be him waking me up in the morning with a warm cup of coffee. normal used to be him sending me 'i miss you' texts whenever he was at work. normal used to be us having deep conversations late at night about our darkest secrets and childhood memories.
of course, we do have our good days. we go on cute dates, we cook our meals together and watch movies while cuddling on the couch. we generally get along really well, we laugh together and have fun. however, when things start to go badly, i mean things get really, really bad.
the stupidest little comments or statements could set either of us off. the arguments usually escalate insanely quick, our voices getting louder and louder as we fight over whatever idiotic topic had happened to be brought up.
unfortunately, after the first big fight occured, they started happening more frequently, the central focus of each of our disagreements more preposterous than the last. i remembered when we had a really big fight where he didn't come home for over a week, all over the fact that we couldn't agree on which sheets to put on the bed.
this relationship was never meant to last. i knew that. however, i just can't deny and push away the one fact that's keeping me from leaving him; i love him. i love him so, so, so much. but.... it hurt more. it hurts so much so that it feels like i've forgotten how to care. these days, when he storms out, i find a small part of myself hoping that he wouldn't come back. it sounds horrible, i know, but it would just make everything so much easier on the both of us.
jay would find someone he fits better with, someone who is calmer and sweeter and more sensitive. i would find someone else.... probably. although, there is only really one problem with this.
whoever i end up with won't be jay.
i furrowed my brows, scrolling through the messages i'd sent him. it had been 4 days since he'd left. this fight had been quite big, if i'm honest. i don't even remember how it started. although, i remember it ended with jay saying he never wanted to see my face again before slamming the door and driving away.
to be honest, i don't even know where he goes when this happens. his parents live ages away and the only friends he has are our mutual friends who have all said they don't know where he is. i try to not think about what he does when he storms off, the mere idea makes my stomach curl.
my head shot up at the sound of a car pulling into our driveway, followed by the familiar slam of the car door and the jingle of the keys. then there was a knock at the door.
that's strange, i thought as i rose from my spot on my lounge chair. jay never knocks, he always just uses his keys.
i took a quick breath, before opening the door to reveal a rather disheveled looking jay. his hair was sticking up all over his head, he had red bags under his eyes and his clothes were all messy and he smelled kind of gross.
"where have you been?" i questioned, stepping aside to let him walk in. "i've been worried! i-"
"wait!" he puts up his hands to stop me from talking anymore, resulting in me heaving a sigh before closing my mouth. "i'd like to speak first, if you don't mind."
i nodded slowly, swallowing hard as i had no idea what was to come.
"look, i've been doing a lot of thinking. about us, about our whole situation and our relationship in general," he started, visibly unable to meet my eyes as he glanced out the window. "we fight all the time, we say things that we often don't mean. even if we wish we could take back the things we've said, we can't. we hurt each other and we can't help it."
i frowned at his words, knowing exactly what he was going to say next. although i knew then what was about to happen, i couldn't help but feel a small wave of relief wash over me.
"so, y/n," he gulps before taking my hands in his and looking me straight in the eyes. "i cannot believe i'm about to say this, but..."
i forced a sad smile, mentally preparing myself for the words i was about to hear.
"will you marry me?"
i was shocked.
my eyes widened as i felt my mouth go dry. did he really just-
"did you really just say that?" i asked in utter disbelief.
"yes, i'm confused too," he chuckled and rubbed the top of my hands with his thumbs as he continued. "it's true that we fight a lot and have a hard time agreeing with each others views but we don't have to agree about everything all the time! even though our fights are, well... probably more intense than any other couples', that doesn't mean that we can't make this work! furthermore, through all of our arguments and quarrels, i have never stopped loving you, and i will never stop loving you, even if we break up later on!"
his words made my heart ache. not only did he have such a bright tone full of hope, but he had that big goofy grin plastered across his face that i usually couldn't help but mirror. today was no different. accept that this smile was paired with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
jay's face fell instantly upon seeing my reaction. i guess they didn't look like the tears of joy he was hoping for.
"i'm sorry," i choked out, hiding my face in my hands.
he took a step towards me and went to wrap his arms around my frame before i stopped him.
"please, jay, don't...." i trailed off, pushing him backwards softly as i averted his gaze, the guilty feeling bubbling in my gut proving too much to be able to look him in the eye.
"what is it?" he asked, concern seeping through his words.
"it's just.... it's too much!" i raised my voice, my emotions finally getting the better of me as i let everything out. "we fight too much! we aren't right for each other! this whole cycle, this vicious fucking cycle is an absolute joke and a complete waste of time, for the both of us! don't you see? we don't belong together! we never belonged together! the person you're meant to be with is not me! and the person who i'm meant to be with...." i took a breath, lifting my head to look at his face. "i don't know who it is, but it's not you!"
he looked at the ground, his features covered with a solemn expression that nearly had me crying all over again. he looked like a sad puppy.
after what felt like an eternity, he met my eyes with a sad smile. "i understand," he offered with a small nod. "i... i'll leave..."
i watched in silence as he turned on his heel and walked out, closing the front door softly as he went. i stood frozen in place as i listened to his car reverse down the driveway and drive down the street.
you did the right thing, i mentally kept repeating to myself. you did the right thing.
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oh lord that was intense-
uhm so requests r still open..
im like lost for words atm
i didnt mean for it to be that deep oh my god
lowkey sobbing over here pls-
ANYWAYSYDJF
reblogging would be much appreciated!! :D
have a good day / afternoon / night yall!!!
byyeeee :p