chapter ten
m.list | sea of treasure m.list | bts m.list | ateez m.list | stray kids m.list | playlist
word count :: 3.7K
pairing(s) :: taehyung x female!reader | mingi x female!oc | hyunjin x female!oc | jimin x female!oc | jungkook x female!oc
genre :: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | idol au
summary :: “but when I'm with you, it's easy to forget all the pain"
warnings (constantly updated) :: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2025 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language | mentions of rape | childhood trauma | multiple forms of abuse | mentions of blood and injuries | toxic relationships | mentions of alcohol and drugs | r*pe | assault | graphic depictions of all the above
taglist [OPEN] :: @myork | @eunbinism | @soobmint | @jaeyunverse | @hyunjxnxee | @yesv01 | @kpopppy | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear | @mangminnie | @cana | @eridanuswave | @kodzuskook | @gongiz
You had been thinking of this moment for months.
It would play on the corners of your mind, haunt you every night before you slept, every morning when you woke. There would be moments where you found yourself rehearsing what you would say. Moments where you'd replay it over and over again so that you were sure when you finally came face to face with him, your words would not dry up and leave you speechless.
It has been all you could think about all those times you have passed him in the halls. All you had anticipated every time your eyes caught his, bursting with unspoken things you longed to say.
But now that you're finally here, not even a few feet away from his side, you find all the words you had prepared, all the rehearsals you have painstakingly endured, every scenario, every scene you could have possibly thought up in your mind, have run dry. Leaving you with nothing left to say.
It's infuriating.
Taehyung still remembers the first time he held your hand, the same day he had met you for the first time.
He remembers the way he took it without thinking, almost as an afterthought. A gesture that he must have done millions of times before, but this time, with you, felt as though it was for the first time. He remembers the feeling of electricity that exploded throughout his entire body when his fingertips first brushed past yours. He can still feel the hitch in his throat, and the harsh beating of his heart when they almost instinctively wrapped around his. He remembers the way your hand fit so perfectly between his fingers, the way it felt so natural, so complete.
Almost as though they were created for him to hold.
Back then, it was almost as easy as breathing.
Now, as he looks your way, he doesn't know how to.
He questions whether or not you would accept him if he reached across the car seats, took your hand within his fingers, and held it close. He wonders if this time it would feel as natural as it had on that first meeting, or if it would feel awkward and strange. It frustrates him that something so simple has become so complicated between you. That the distance is not as easy to cross as it was before. That even though you're closer to each other, it couldn't feel more like you were further apart.
So, instead, when he reaches his hand across the way, it is not to take yours within his own. It is to retrieve a paper bag and place it in your lap, without much of a word. He looks away before you can meet his eyes, his ears turning a bit pink at their tips.
"You looked a bit thin."
You turn to the parcel, opening it, and scoffing when you see three carefully wrapped rolls of onigiri sitting at the bottom. Shaking your head, you close the bag, the paper crumbling beneath your hands.
"Thanks for noticing."
"Shit..." Tae sighs, wincing at the sight of the bag beneath your nervous fingertips. "Look, I didn't mean it like that, I--"
"It's fine, Tae."
Catching sight of his reflection in your window, you can't help but smirk at the nervous expression on his face. You quickly hide it in the palm of your hand before he can notice.
"I just meant...are you eating enough?"
"What?" You turn to him, but he doesn't meet your gaze. He avoids it, just as he has been ever since you stepped foot in his car. This whole time, he's been unable to meet your eyes, unable to look at you straight when he speaks to you, unable and unwilling to cross the line.
It bothers you.
"I know how diets can be," He murmurs, the red at the tips of his ears, spreading down to his neck. "I don't want you to starve yourself or anything."
You smile to yourself, a bit bitterly, before turning back to the window.
You know the gesture was made out of genuine worry, and that he was trying to do something nice for you. You know it's unfair to be upset at him for caring about you, wanting to take care of you.
But after the day you've had, the impossible expectations you've found yourself put through, the months where you've had to struggle through it all on your own...it's hard to take it as anything else but criticism.
"I'm eating fine Tae, don't worry." You glance at the crumpled paper bag, contemplating whether you should still throw it out as soon as you walk into your apartment complex, like you had originally planned. "Besides, it's good that I'm losing weight. I mean, I can't very well look like this if I want to debut."
The words send painful, sharp daggers straight into Taehyung's heart. They are words that have been repeated to every idol, every trainee, ever since they signed their name on that contract. He knows them all too well, he's told them to himself, he's told them to others, he's heard them repeated back to him. That it's his duty as an idol to keep up the facade, to maintain the impossible standard, to show everyone there is no flaw behind the carefully crafted mask.
He's never found much of a problem with it before, after all, it was normal. A passing condition of the job. Just another thing he had to sacrifice if he wanted to achieve his dream. It wasn't anything different than what everyone else before him had to sacrifice.
But somehow, hearing those words repeated on your lips brings a whole new meaning to them.
"Did the company tell you that?"
Taehyung's voice is hushed, almost guttural, as though he had spoken from the back of his throat. You stare at him through the reflection in your window, a bit wary at the sight of his stone-cold expression.
"They didn't have to."
Your voice comes out smaller, more timid than you had planned it to be. Almost as though you were not ready to speak the words before they had left your lips. He clenches his jaw, his hands tightening around the steering wheel.
"Don't listen to them."
"Taehyung," You close your eyes tightly, taking a deep breath. "I don't think I have much of a choice."
"Well, I think you're perfect." Your heart jumps as soon as the words release from his tongue. You turn to him, wondering if he knows what he's saying, if he understands the turmoil his words have begun to awaken from deep within your heart. "You've always been perfect."
You shake your head, tightening your hand around the cuffs of your sleeves, hoping that will be enough to calm the rapid beating of your heart.
"Don't lie."
"I never do."
You look at him for a moment. You can see the blush growing darker at the tips of his ears, and wonder if this time he will finally raise those eyes to yours. If this time, he will find the courage to face you for the first time since you stood on that stage.
But he's too embarrassed and you're too cowardly to look at him for much longer.
So you turn away and bury your face in your sleeve once more. Hoping that perhaps it would hide the blush that rises profusely to your cheeks. Foolishly wishing that a piece of cloth would be able to somehow mask the nervous stuttering your heart does every time you find him close to you.
"If only the rest of the world agreed with you."
Taehyung smirks at the soft-spoken words, sparing a glance your way out of the corner of his eye. There's a glint in his eye, somewhat of a memory playing in the depths of his irises.
"The rest of the world is miserable. I much prefer ours."
You cannot help but laugh at the cheesy line, your sleeve doing nothing to mask the unbecoming sound. He chuckles himself, shaking his head before dropping it in his hands to mask his ever growing embarrassment.
"Hell, I'm making this all kinds of awkward huh?"
"Yes," You shrug, your eyes sparkling when you turn to him next, "But it's cute."
And if he was wondering whether or not you remembered those precious moments the two of you shared, the moments where your two worlds collided to create one you could call your own; the answer lies plain and simple on your face. He grins when he sees you smiling, your eyes reflecting the same memories, the same world he always finds himself returning to when he misses your face, your laugh, and your touch, just a little too much.
"Thanks for this." You hold up the paper sack, the crinkles unable to be smoothed down, but your grip around it notably less fierce.
He's smiling, that contagious, darling smile that always manages to melt your heart into a messy, sappy pool of love and adoration; when he nods in response. His tousled hair falls over his eyes, eyes that are warm and soft. Eyes that have always left a space for you to exist within them. As though that space has always been yours to keep.
In this moment, he is beautiful. And though he has always been beautiful in the moments when you have known him, the way he looks right now is different from every other encounter.
Maybe it is the way he looks so vulnerable, so unabashedly himself, with every wall torn down around you. Maybe it is the look in his eye, the way his world seems to have centered around you. Or maybe it is the fact that this is a side of him that not many will see, that not many have seen.
That the Taehyung before you, the kind man who brought you food simply because he was worried you hadn't eaten enough. The man who fought to be by your side, the man who remembers every precious moment spent between you and uses those memories as the foundation for the world where you exist together; is yours and only yours. That no one will ever see this side of him because it is a side to him that only exists when the two of you are together. This is the Taehyung you will remember, and keep cherished forever in your memories. It is him that will forever be remembered as the one you called "mine".
"Yen--"
And perhaps it is that fact, that unreasonable, foolish fact, that is the reason why you cannot stop the guilt from tightening deep within your stomach.
Because you have found yourself once more believing in a fantasy.
"I'm sorry."
Taehyung blinks in surprise at the sudden apology.
"For what?"
The guilt only worsens when you look at his eyes, seeing the hurt and confusion flashing across his face.
"For everything that happened."
It was his fantasy you had found yourself believing in. He invited you in, and you were so blinded by your feelings for him that you followed him willingly. And now that the consequences are catching up with the two of you, you're running away, scared.
"You mean the performance?"
You swallow hard and find that you are unable to speak. So instead, you nod meekly, hoping that the hurt hidden deep in his eyes will soon fade away.
"But why are you sorry?"
"It was my fault." The words tumble out of your mouth, quicker than you can stop them. "It was dumb and reckless and I shouldn't have done any of it. If I could take it all back I would."
You miss the way Taehyung looks at you and the subtle hints of his emotions written on the creases of his face, turning to focus on the creases of your hands instead. You know you should look at him, and show him the sincerity of your remorse, but you can't stand to see that look in his eyes for much longer.
"You would?"
"Yes."
Tae smiles a bit bitterly to himself at the quick response.
He knows it isn't fair to you.
After everything you've been through, he knows he should understand your regret about what happened that night. He knows it's his fault. That because of his recklessness, his selfishness, you've been put through unmeasurable amounts of slander and have had to face the most vile forms of hatred and loathing imaginable. He knows what that does to a person, he knows how it affects a person, how it frightens them beyond reason, beyond belief.
He's aware of it all.
But he can't help the way it breaks his heart to hear you say you would change all of it without a single thought. Because even with all the chaos his actions have caused, even with all the regret that may surround it, that night was still a night that he holds preciously in his memory.
"I wouldn't."
"W-what?" You balk, turning to him in surprise. He smiles at you, his eyes distant and sad.
"I don't regret any of it."
That night was as beautiful as it was damning. He was able to hold you, look into your eyes and see a galaxy of wonder unfold. In that one particular moment, it didn't seem to matter if he pulled you closer or if his skin was on fire by every small touch made between the two of you, because it was only the two of you dancing together amongst the stars.
For one beautiful second, the space that had always been between you had been broken. Your worlds had collided and everything was perfect.
But then that moment ended.
"You don't mean that."
You shake your head, turning away.
You know it is foolish to hang on to that night, no matter how beautiful. It doesn't change anything that happened and doesn't make any of it better. You may have been close for a minute, the space between you finally fading away, but what's the worth of holding on to a moment when it isn't reality? When it has and always will be doomed from the start?
You can't afford to believe in a fantasy.
Swallowing hard, you place your hand on the door handle, but his hand wraps around yours before you have a chance to open it.
"And what if I did?" You turn to him, but he's not looking at you. He stares at your hand, his thumb stroking your skin in small repetitive circles. It sends shivers down your spine, your heart nearly leaping out of your chest. "What if I said, if I could go back I wouldn't change any of it? That the only thing I regret was being kept from you for all those months? That if I could go back, I would've stayed by your side, just as I had promised."
The way he looks up at you sends your heart flying, your hand slipping off the door handle to rest on his chest, in an attempt to stop him, as he leans in closer. You can feel his heart beating wildly underneath your fingertips, his breath growing shallow and hot against your cheeks. You look up at him, trying to ignore the way his hand tightens around yours as he pulls you closer to him.
"Tae, stop," you murmur breathlessly, "You're being careless."
"So?" His other hand closes around the one that you keep on his chest, and you watch helplessly as he brings it to his lips and kisses your knuckles tenderly. You shiver when he speaks next, his lips brushing against your skin with every word. "Honestly, Yen, where has being careful ever gotten me?"
You shake your head, avoiding his earnest expression.
"I...I can't--"
"What?" he murmurs, pressing his forehead to yours, rendering you speechless. "What can't you do?"
"Love you."
Your words are small and quiet, almost as if you were scared to let them leave the confines of your lips. You look hopelessly into his eyes, so dark and wearing every wretched emotion on his sleeve. Begging, almost pleading with you to stay.
"But do you?"
To hold onto him just as tightly as he's holding on to you.
"Tae..." You cannot help but sigh, pathetically tearing your eyes away from his tragic gaze, unable to witness the pain you are causing him by pushing him away.
Unable to accept the pain that awakens anew within your bleeding heart.
"Do you love me?"
You know he loves you.
You can hear it on the tendrils of his voice as he speaks, see it in the desperation that clouds his eyes, feel it in the way his hands hold tight to yours, always and forever pulling you closer if only to close the distance so evidently wide between you.
But do you love him?
"You know I can’t answer that."
"Yen."
"I can't."
You know you did before, you know that was the reason you defied every manner of sense screaming at you to distance yourself from him as much as you possibly could. You know that carnal, forbidden desire, is what led to the mess you are now in. You know that the reason you couldn't stand the distance between the two of you now was because of those feelings you have carried with you from months ago.
But, is it possible to continue to fight for something so senseless, so reckless, that you would risk destroying yourself in the process? Is it truly worth it if it means the both of you would end up more hurt on the other side?
"It's not like how it was before, you know that. I can't answer your questions, I can't give you what you want."
"And what is it that I want, Yen?" He leans forward, releasing your hand and taking your chin between his fingers; angling your face up so that you're looking deep into his eyes. Your lips a mere few inches apart, so close that you find yourselves sharing the same breath. "What is it you want?"
"It doesn't matter what I want." You whisper breathlessly, your words hitching with melancholy. His eyes widen with a mixture of surprise and anguish at them, a look that you didn't expect to see.
"Don't say that." He pulls away, just the tiniest bit, but it may as well have been a chasm in comparison to how close the two of you were before. He shakes his head, distress clear and written all over his face as he looks at you in earnest. "Don't ever say that."
"Tae..." You reach towards him, hoping to calm him, but he's not listening.
"What you feel, what you want, what you need, it all matters Yen. You're human, don't ever let them take that away from you. They can take the world, they can take me, they can take your freedom, but don't ever let them destroy your humanity. Don't ever let them turn you into a mere doll.”
He pulls away another inch, and you cling to the hand that is still wrapped in yours, hoping that will keep him from pulling away.
From widening the chasm.
“You're worth much more than that."
He doesn't look at you, his hair brushing against his long lashes as he tries to turn away, but you place your hand on his cheek before he can. Gently, you coerce him to turn back to you, to meet your eyes once more. You interlock your fingers with his hand and pull him closer and closer until he is back to where he was before, where he has always belonged, mere inches away from you. You search his eyes, hoping that he sees your vulnerability the same way you see his, and wait.
"Yen..."
It is then, and only then, when he speaks your name, whispered gutturally on the tip of his tongue, that you close the distance between the two of you and press your lips tenderly against his.
The kiss is chaste and sweet. It tastes of mint toothpaste and citrus. The smell of him fills your nostrils as you breathe him in, your hand curling around the back of his neck and tugging fondly at the curls that lay there. And when he deepens the kiss, his hand securing itself on the small of your back and pulling you closer, it comes alive on your tongue. The aroma consumes your senses until you find yourself hooked on a high that is full of him.
When you pull away, you do not go far. Your lips remain on his, though they may only be brushing against each other, as your breath mixes together and turns your cheeks hot.
"You know what I want, Tae." You whisper on his lips, earning a breathless sigh from him in response. "I just can't say it out loud. That's not a luxury I have."
This time, when you pull away, the space between the two of you doesn't seem as wide as it was before. The silence is not as suffocating, and when you meet his eyes, all sadness and desperation seem to have been chased away. You chuckle at the goofy smile on his face and blow him a kiss before you exit the car, the bag of onigiri held tightly in your hand.
You don't make it far before Taehyung rolls down the window and calls after you, however. You turn to him with a bewildered expression and open your mouth to scold him for his unabashed disregard of discretion, but he speaks before you can.
"I was serious about what I said, you know." He grins, and you can't help the fond smile that grows on your face at the sight. "I'll wait for you until you're ready. I don't care how long it takes."
And as you watch him roll up the window and eventually drive away, you know what he said was the truth. You know deep inside that he would give anything to be by your side always, even if it meant his downfall.
That's how deep his love runs for you.
What you don't know, however, is why the thought makes you so sad.
CH. 11 HERE
