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[hmanithoughts]

Dec, 2014

It’s 10:30 pm. It is snowing. Looking at the window I can feel the cold as I am sitting in my warm apartment…alone. Covered in blanket, I walk outside in my balcony. It is…dark. No light but the light coming of my apartment. This light…As i look at the darkness before me…this light…like salt in a water. The darkness before me would look so satisfying…so…self-resembling without that light…too much dark…for light…to exist. I walk inside. Too warm, too much light. “go away light”. I turn off the light and walk back outside. The picture is complete now; absolute quietness, cold, darkness and absolute loneliness. Four signs of…death.

“Loneliness? What of all these souls?” “They…” “I know I know i know! They are as quiet as you are. They are also enjoying the beautiful snow. Enjoying the beautiful darkness with you” “But they can’t feel…” “What? :( are you saying they are not enjoying the beautiful snowfall? The nightfall that conquers all?” “No because they are…” “What?! They are what?” “…dead”

…Four signs of…death. Nothing quite, cold, dark and lonely like forever sleeping…dreamless…alone in a hole.

As I look of my balcony, I see graves and they are everywhere. At that moment, I was happy they were dead. They are nothing but another piece of the perfect picture I am enjoying. Yes, they are there, yet not making a sound.

“Yes, stay quiet, stay dead”

“Hey :( are they at least enjoying the their own beautiful quietness?” “Beautiful?”

This land is doomed. It has no sign of life.

Yet, there stands before me something high and mighty, unshaken by death. A tree stands despite the four signs of death around it. It is leafless, yet alive. It is leafless, is it dead?

PS: The picture is of a ground view of the cemetery that is next to where I live. It so peaceful to go out my balcony and look at the graves. It always reminds me that eventually we will end up in that hole faster than we know it.

[hmanithoughts]

Thought 5: I Am Thankful

Translation: "A message to whom it may concern. Don't complain about studying and preparing for the new school year. The people of Iraq, Yamen, Palestine and Syria are burying their children because of wars rather than preparing them for school. People of Africa are burying their children from starvation and diseases rather than preparing them the school. 'May Allah replace their condition and ease their difficulties'. Four months (summer break) spent in happiness, sleeping, fasting, praying, worshiping Allan, spending Eid, gathering with family, friends and lovers. All that spent with safe, goodness and blessing. So welcome studying as long as we are in safety and blessing. Welcome studying when we are waking up for work rather than defending our home, honor or money. Welcome studying when we wake up to the sound of alarm clock rather than the sound of an ICU devices in hospitals or bombs. Welcome studying while praising our God and thanking Allah for his blessing. Be careful!

     I wish if I could think the way she thinks. What a great message to deliver to people. Since first grade till 20th grade and I have always been complaining about school and studying. In countries where is no war, one has no right to complain about literally anything, but thank god. At the same time you should be thankful for everything you have or don't have. I am not perfect and complain a lot, but I am glad I am aware of this and I thank Allah right away. Complaining is like a part of human nature and everyone does it, but what even worse is when you complain and never be thankful to Allah. So make thanking Allah a part of your nature. I thank Allah when I see sick or homeless person or read the news about third world countries and those who are in the middle of war zones or hear the stories of the refugees. I am thankful when I'm sick because it is not deadly sickness. I thank Allan when I am hungry because I can eat whenever or whatever I want and the list goes on. So appreciate what you have or the hardship you are going through because things could way worse.

[cashmerepoison-blog]

Don’t Forget Me (1)

Thursday, 7:10 PM

Lulu yallah khal9eena sa3a na6iritich ba3ad chan glteelina sleepover oo fakaiteena?! My friend Sarah texted our group.

I laughed as I sat on Lulu's bed, careful not to ruin my black dress, while watching her compare necklaces. "Shnu a7la? Hatha ilsilver wala ilrose gold Cartier necklace?" she asked, putting both necklaces by her neck.

"Cartier," I said. I'd always loved Cartier even if I only had one necklace from it as a birthday present from Lulu and Sarah. Which I wore every single second of the day, 7alalt qeemta!

Aloooo ana mnu a7achi? ridaw!! Sarah texted. "Sarah bnmurich 3ugub five minutes" I said in my voice note.

"Bas ba76 perfume wallah!" Lulu said as she showered herself in her Prada perfume.

"Yallah?" Lulu said as she took a final look at herself in the mirror.

"Gulululooosh!" Sarah said in her voice note nearly popping my ears, and I laughed again. I just loved that girl. I loved them both.

Lulu was the talkative one. She was a bit shorter than me while I was the tallest of the two, and Sarah was the shortest. Her dark brown hair reached her shoulders and was perfectly curled all the time. She loved makeup, shopping, and gossip. Especially gossip.

Sarah was the fun one out of our group, she has the lightest color hair of us all that reached half her back and was always naturally curly. She claimed she didn't want to waste her precious time doing her hair that would get ruined the whole day. She still managed to look good every time, no idea how.

I looked at myself in the mirror, my super dark brown hair reached just under my elbows. I had on almost zero makeup besides the usual eyeliner. I never liked makeup because I didn't like to stand out, but my friends told me I stood out anyway, no idea why.

"Laikoon intay bt6awleen ba3ad?" Sarah told me as she groaned. I laughed.

"La wallah kani yaya," I say.

I followed her down the stairs.

"Ma3a ilsalama yuma," Lulu shouted to her mom who was watching TV in the living room.

"Haw lail7een ma6ala3taw?! Mu btmuroon Sarah ilsa3a 7? Al7een 7:20! Akeed minnich ya Lwailu," her mother said teasingly.

"Ma3jbatni badliti," Lulu said.

"Smilla 3alaich, ta3alimay mn Omniyah mashallah dayman 3al maw3id, mashallah," Lulu's mom told me as she chuckled. Ugh, she used my whole name.

Moms loved me. They thought I was the "perfect" teenager and always respectful. It was mostly because I was kind of shy around them and partially because I spent a lot of time with my mother that I've become one. Lulu teased her mom about adopting me instead before we said our goodbyes and head to the car.

"Singh go to Sarah house first," Lulu told her driver while she checked on her makeup.

"Makhala9tay?" I asked her with a chuckle.

"7abeebti Niyoh a3ti8id it3arfeen ilijaba," she said as she puckered her lips.

We pass Sarah, whose house was like five minutes away and she was already standing by the sidewalk, if not in the middle of the road, with her hand on her hip.

"Ayabib mara thanya ya3ni?" she said as she got in.

She looked nice in a long beige shirt and white pants, she wore a bit of lipstick and light winged eyeliner. "Agool zain ma mishaina 3anich, Singh please go to Movenpick," Lulu told her driver again.

"Akheeran 6ala3tay ma3ana intay!" she said as she hugged me.

I never really went out with them much, maybe once every three weeks. The reason was that I usually spent my weekend with my mother, who was basically my best friend and I didn't want to leave her alone, even if she did go to her parents' house or something. Takser kha6ri.

She married my dad after he divorced his first wife and then divorced her just when I was born to marry his first wife again. I only saw my dad bl3eed oo bl8a9ib since he didn't want to talk to my mom oo really he could live without me; so I haven't exactly seen him in two years.  I wanted to, but he was never "available"; he wasn't even there for me financially; it was mostly all on my mom.

Ya3ni I had to sacrifice a lot just to afford a good education. I told my mom I didn't want his money and that I had everything and more whenever she felt bad about not giving me "enough" or "designer" items that everyone else seemed to have. I told her I didn't care; and it was true. I admired them, yes, but admiration is not a need.

Also I haven't even seen my older half brother Essa (I think he's twenty-five now) in like three years. I doubt he even remembered he had a sister, half sister, that was. So yeah, it's kind of messed up but at least I have my mother and that's enough for me el7mdillah.

So that's why I hanged out with my mom a lot, she's been sad her whole life, even if she tried her best to act perfectly happy. I know her too well and I can see it in her eyes. She's just not that happy and I really didn't know how to help her.

"Ra7 itloo3 chabdi mnkum b Paris, don't worry," I told her.

"Ubai 7adi mshta6a wallah matakhayilon, already jan6iti zahba oo khamait klshay bl kabat ith6arait aba6el jan6iti 3ashan akhth jootiyi 7ag elyom," Sarah said.

"Shda3wa tara bnsafer on Sunday," Lulu reminded her while texting.

"Wallah a7is china 7ilm!" I told them.

"Hey latgabseen 3alaina bas!" Lulu said.

I still couldn't believe it. We were going to freaking Paris for our winter break trip with the school. Usually my mother would say no, she didn't even allow me to go to my friend's chalet alone or sleep overnight at their houses. Yet she told me to go and have a great time because it was "once in a lifetime".

I said no at first, because I didn't want to leave her alone for two weeks, bas 7anat 3alay and I gave up. I still felt bad that I'd be leaving her but she really wanted me to go.

We arrived at Movenpick for dinner at Chocolate Bar, which all three of us had been craving the whole week.

"Inzain widi ib caramel latte, 3adi ndakhla Chocolate Bar 9a7?" Lulu said.

She was the biggest Starbucks addict I knew.

"Hmm china widi b mocha Frappucino," I added. I texted my mom that I'd arrived at Movenpick while Singh reached the drop off-area.

"Okay 3ayal Saro roo7ay 7jzeelna 6awla b Chocolate Bar oo ana oo Niya niyeech ma3a our drinks, tabeen shay?" Lulu said as we got out of the car.

"Ee abi may," she joked. We rolled our eyes and walked to Starbucks while Sarah walked to Chocolate Bar.

"Ubai tara 7ail mshta6a 3ala Paris! Mn zmaaan mari7tlaha, kila enrou7 Nice bas malait mnha," Lulu said as she opened the door of Starbucks. Oh I wish I got bored of somewhere foreign.

"Bag3ad, jootiyi ythba7ni mn al7een, t3arfeen my order, 9a7?" she said as she took a seat.

"Tall caramel latte, three pumps caramel, extra whipped cream with chocolate syrup," I recited. She beamed at me.

I walked to the queue and picked up a bottle of water for Sarah as a joke.

The barista asked the men in front of me for their names.

"Essa," one of them said. I immediately popped up.

There weren't a lot of Essa's I bet so I wondered if that was my brother. I kind of took a quick side look at the guy and I couldn't really tell. I risked it and took an even longer look, which he didn't seem to notice.

I was almost certainly positive that he was my brother. Three years did change someone but I still remember what he looked like.

I didn't know whether to say hi or not. I mean he might think I was ignoring him or something when I truly had nothing against him. I took a step forward towards him.

"Um Ess-" I begin to say but it turns out the guy in front of him was with him, and he saw me trying to talk to Essa so he interrupted. This was not good.

"Uh chinha ga3da tkalmik?" his friend told Essa. Essa turned to me and I froze. It was him, but he looked a bit more mature now. He had a stubble, his light hair was still the same length as always. This was so awkward.

"Madri ma3arifha," Essa said as he gave me his back and turned to his friend and continued talking before getting their drinks.

I didn't know whether to be hurt, humiliated, or embarrassed or maybe a mix of all of them. I didn't know if he remembered me; I mean I did grow a lot in those three years.

I looked at Lulu who looked really confused right now.

I felt so embarrassed right now. My body was heating up from the embarrassment. I wanted to cry.

"Um, law sama7tay?" I heard someone from behind me say.

"Na3am?" I said, almost annoyed.

He pointed at the barista who was waiting to take my order.

God I wanted the earth to swallow me whole right now; just what I needed. I told the barista the order, pretty sure I messed up Lulu's order but I was pretty sure she'd forgive me once she knew the whole story.

"Order for Lulu," the barista said and I picked up my order, with Lulu's left.

The guys behind me picked up their Americano's. I nearly froze. They were all in my school if not my grade. They had seen the whole thing. Oh my God.

[cloudoflace]

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