Abdulrahman Al-Z.

Past memories. Present thoughts. DDS 17’ -Kuwait 91'

[hmanithoughts]

Dec, 2014

It’s 10:30 pm. It is snowing. Looking at the window I can feel the cold as I am sitting in my warm apartment…alone. Covered in blanket, I walk outside in my balcony. It is…dark. No light but the light coming of my apartment. This light…As i look at the darkness before me…this light…like salt in a water. The darkness before me would look so satisfying…so…self-resembling without that light…too much dark…for light…to exist. I walk inside. Too warm, too much light. “go away light”. I turn off the light and walk back outside. The picture is complete now; absolute quietness, cold, darkness and absolute loneliness. Four signs of…death.

“Loneliness? What of all these souls?” “They…” “I know I know i know! They are as quiet as you are. They are also enjoying the beautiful snow. Enjoying the beautiful darkness with you” “But they can’t feel…” “What? :( are you saying they are not enjoying the beautiful snowfall? The nightfall that conquers all?” “No because they are…” “What?! They are what?” “…dead”

…Four signs of…death. Nothing quite, cold, dark and lonely like forever sleeping…dreamless…alone in a hole.

As I look of my balcony, I see graves and they are everywhere. At that moment, I was happy they were dead. They are nothing but another piece of the perfect picture I am enjoying. Yes, they are there, yet not making a sound.

“Yes, stay quiet, stay dead”

“Hey :( are they at least enjoying the their own beautiful quietness?” “Beautiful?”

This land is doomed. It has no sign of life.

Yet, there stands before me something high and mighty, unshaken by death. A tree stands despite the four signs of death around it. It is leafless, yet alive. It is leafless, is it dead?

PS: The picture is of a ground view of the cemetery that is next to where I live. It so peaceful to go out my balcony and look at the graves. It always reminds me that eventually we will end up in that hole faster than we know it.

[hmanithoughts]

Thought 5: I Am Thankful

Translation: "A message to whom it may concern. Don't complain about studying and preparing for the new school year. The people of Iraq, Yamen, Palestine and Syria are burying their children because of wars rather than preparing them for school. People of Africa are burying their children from starvation and diseases rather than preparing them the school. 'May Allah replace their condition and ease their difficulties'. Four months (summer break) spent in happiness, sleeping, fasting, praying, worshiping Allan, spending Eid, gathering with family, friends and lovers. All that spent with safe, goodness and blessing. So welcome studying as long as we are in safety and blessing. Welcome studying when we are waking up for work rather than defending our home, honor or money. Welcome studying when we wake up to the sound of alarm clock rather than the sound of an ICU devices in hospitals or bombs. Welcome studying while praising our God and thanking Allah for his blessing. Be careful!

     I wish if I could think the way she thinks. What a great message to deliver to people. Since first grade till 20th grade and I have always been complaining about school and studying. In countries where is no war, one has no right to complain about literally anything, but thank god. At the same time you should be thankful for everything you have or don't have. I am not perfect and complain a lot, but I am glad I am aware of this and I thank Allah right away. Complaining is like a part of human nature and everyone does it, but what even worse is when you complain and never be thankful to Allah. So make thanking Allah a part of your nature. I thank Allah when I see sick or homeless person or read the news about third world countries and those who are in the middle of war zones or hear the stories of the refugees. I am thankful when I'm sick because it is not deadly sickness. I thank Allan when I am hungry because I can eat whenever or whatever I want and the list goes on. So appreciate what you have or the hardship you are going through because things could way worse.

[hmanithoughts]

Memory/thought 4: Rahmah Nov. 2014. I was having a breakfast at a cafe across where a live called The Filling Station. I was having a cinnamon roll and a cappuccino. I was only eating and drinking them because I have been ordering the same thing since I was a kid, thanks to my oldest sister who told me to try them when I asked her “what’s good?” while we were at a Starbucks years ago. I tend to stick to the things I like or enjoy, whether they are people, food or stuff and I don't really like to let go. It is a huge part of my personality and it is a good and a bad thing. Btw, I am not a coffee person, but sometimes I drink it…in the morning…before I sleep…cuz it has no effect on me whatsoever! So, If you lived in the midwest of the U.S before, you would know how cold can it get at this time of the year. It was 7C° (44F°) on that day, which is the lowest temperature I can handle while sitting outside. I don’t like cold! Thank god for Kuwait (reason #263 why kuwait > US). It was not only me who was enjoying the weather, but also the birds. It was sunny and not windy and birds were “tweeting”. It was a good day. Birds usually get scared when you come near them, but this one came to me. It is something I don't encounter everyday, which was amazing. So I was like “please, have a seat” and it did ._. Over the years I became found of animals and pets, specially cats, I don’t know why. The bird came to me for the food and I knew it was hungry. I couldn’t help but feed it. As I was feeding it, I saw how a good feeling it is a to be merciful and to give without thinking of receiving. This is only a human act; to be human and have humanity within you is to be merciful. Yet, looking at what the world has become, some humans have lost this human part of their soul that they no more can differentiate between a human, an animal or mere soulless object. No more they have mercy Which brings me to one of William Shakespeare’s greatest speeches in one of his plays called The Merchant of Venice. This speech is called The Quality of Mercy and I was able to find a translation to it. Enjoy.

"No one shows mercy because he has to. It just happens, the way gentle rain drops on the ground. Mercy is a double blessing. It blesses the one who gives it and the one who receives it. It’s strongest in the strongest people. It looks better in a king than his own crown looks on him. The king’s scepter represents his earthly power, the symbol of majesty, the focus of royal authority. But mercy is higher than the scepter. It’s enthroned in the hearts of kings, a quality of God himself. Kingly power seems most like God’s power when the king mixes mercy with justice"

Original speech: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/368338-the-quality-of-mercy-is-not-strained-it-droppeth-as"

[hmanithoughts]

Memory/thought 3: Summer 2006. Back when me and siblings were young, we used to travel with parents in the summer to Europe. We saw too much nature, from caves to rivers to water falls to mountains, thanks to mom. It was boring, but sometimes mother nature amazes me. It was summer 2006 when we went to Austria and Germany. We were hiking up a mountain when we came across a tiny water fall and a river. We sat on the rocks by the river. They were big and get smaller as you get near the river. I remember it was quiet out there. We also stayed in a hotel up a mountain, not top. There were two sounds, the sound of waterfall next to the hotel and the bells that are around the cows’ neck. It was so extremely quiet that i heard the sound of quietness…whatever that means. Anyways, as i was sitting and looking at the calm water current, i noticed that heart shaped rock. It was between many rocks but i decided to pick that one and look at it. Of course there was no crack on the rock. I drew that with a pencil because obviously I was such a drama queen. I am not into rocks and don’t usually pick up rocks, but it was a beautiful coincidence. I was also innocent. The rock is in my bedroom in Kuwait, unless my mom threw it away thinking it is just a rock…i hope she didn’t. Is it still in bedroom, mom?

The prophesy says that the owner of this rock will pass the rock to the one worthy lady of his first life.

P.S: prophesy has been rephrased because the original was inappropriate.

Happy ❤️ day!

[hmanithoughts]

Memory/thought 2: I wish if i could go back... Age: 4 Picture taken at the syndicate Of Kuwait Airways.* The way i was smiling in the picture was because of my black & white teeth that looked like it was eaten by rats. I guess i was embarrassed to show them. My dad used to take me and my bro, , there with him. The mirinda (crash) and pizza pastry, which i used to crave, were for me and the pepsi was for my father. Dad taught me playing pool, snooker, baby foot and dominoes when i was that young. I used to challenge my dad in pool. I don't think i was able to win, except once...maybe. I wish if I had kept practicing, though i still have my touch ;p There was a ninja turtle pinball that I ENJOYED playing so much, but never understood how to play it; just hit the ball randomly. There were even sometimes the game gave me more tries to play for something i scored during the game and had no idea what. Fozi was an Indian "servant" there and he was one of my favorite childhood friends. He used to make the best milk with tea ever (chi7leb) and i used to eat it with baqsam. "Shayeb!" That's actually what elderly people mostly eat in Kuwait. God! i want to eat this so bad right now!! Unfortunately, this place doesn't exist anymore since they moved to another place and it is not the same anymore. I wish if i could relive one these days again. *It was like a place rented by the Kuwait Airways where workers of kuwait airways hang out, play cards and pool. There were offices as well in the upper floor.

[hmanithoughts]

Memory/Thought 1: Point Change

April, 07"

It started in 10th grade. I used to get so bored in the class, so I used to draw a lot on my hand and arm. I felt like my body absorbed so much ink. My dad got mad when he saw this coloring. I still don’t know why he got mad, but it was scary. I have always wanted to get a tattoo to look “badazz and shi”, but I can’t; it is against my religion. One of the main reasons for that is that the tattoo hinders the water from reaching the skin. One of the requirements for a accepted prayer is to wash some parts of the body (arms, hands, face, hair, ear and feet), called Wudhu, and tattoo won’t allow that.

In 10th grade, I met two close friends that “indirectly” influenced me and my life in a good and bad way. By indirectly, i mean that they weren’t the reason that led my life to they way it is now, but having simple things in common, such as music, did so. They were only the beginning of a long long long chain of events that led to this moment. And every chain of events has a unique beginning. Knowing my friends was one big ass coincidence. If hadn’t decided to go out on that specific day and walked inside the mall at that specific moment with that specific friend, I would be a completely different person of a completely different life. A different chain of events would have been created of a life in another dimension; I probably wouldn’t be in dental school…that how much my life would have been different. I always remember these moments in my life in which simple decisions I made created this path my life has taken. Just curious…to know how myself and my life would look like, if I went right instead of left…8 years ago.

The question is: Did I really have control on my decisions and life or were they already predetermined by what’s called fate and destiny?