Touch: Chapter 3
Pairing: Kylo Ren x Fem!Reader
Warnings: Swearing, violence, the usual
Word count: 4.3K
Author’s note: Sorry this is taking so long! This is the most intentional I’ve ever been with a story so I want it to be done well rather than quickly. My brother sat down with me and we basically tried to rewrite the sequel trilogy with a self-insert character while keeping it true to the universe as best as we can with our very humble amount of star wars knowledge, so needless to say it’s been a task and a half. Anyways, enjoy!
(Part 1) (Part 2)
Chapter 3: Commander’s Gift
White, thick walls. Dusty floors. Tiny slits for windows. That was all the house had left, really. Other than that, it was empty. Completely empty. It wasn’t just some deserted home, it was cleaned out and abandoned. You can feel it though; that this was a home. An important one. Somehow, you just know that you’re standing in the shell of a memory.
“Dammit!” Kylo yells. You jump at the sound of his fist hitting the wall.
“What-“
“Nothing! There’s absolutely nothing!” His saber ignites. “I should’ve known,” he mutters. With a grunt, he brings his saber down on the wall, again, and again, and again. You take a couple of steps back, watching him carefully. When he stops, breathing heavily, he looks over to you. Your mind races for something to say. Anything. Just say something. His face falls. He leaves the house.
You let out a long sigh and sit down on the ground. You take a moment to look around the room. There has to be something here, right? You stand and walk over to a wall. Why? You aren’t sure. Just following a feeling. You trace your hand down the wall and crouch. You finger finds a small crack. You pause and follow the thin crack in the wall to find that it’s in an almost perfect rectangular shape. Pushing in on one side, the other end of the shape pops out, and you remove the piece of the wall, setting it on the floor. Inside is a small, ornate wooden box. You open the box and pull back the fabric draped over top to find various metal parts. It looks like it belongs to some kind of… tool? If this place had been looted, someone surely should’ve taken this. Even if it was intentionally cleaned out, it seems valuable. Why would someone leave it here? You aren’t even quite sure what it is… but you decide you need to take it with you. Maybe it’s what Kylo has been looking for. You close the box carefully and close up the hole in the wall before leaving the small house. Stepping outside, you see some scorch marks on the outer walls. Other than that, no sign of Kylo. He probably went to the ship. Taking a deep breath, mentally preparing to face angry Kylo, you head to the ship.
Before even getting inside, you can tell that Kylo isn’t there. You feel a sense of disappointment. Perhaps you’ll just have to wait.
So, that’s what you do. You wait.
And you wait.
And you wait a little longer.
And you keep waiting.
At this point, both suns are approaching the horizon as the sky begins to dim. You turn to look at the small box you’ve brought with you and decide to take a better look at it, just for something to do until Kylo comes back. You reach for a long, half-cylindrical piece. The moment your hand reaches the metal, the ship around you disappears. You hold your breath. What did I just do?
Looking up, you see an older man handing a box to a younger man. They look quite similar to each other; one with light brown hair and a greying beard, the other with long sandy blonde hair tied in a loose bun. As the younger man takes the box, he looks up to the older one.
“What am I meant to do with this?” The young man asks, concern mixing in with his obvious confusion.
“I need you to give it to Luke,” the older one replies. He seems much calmer than his counterpart.
“But-“
“Doron,” the older one insists sternly, “please. It’s important.” That name… it feels familiar to you. The younger one nods.
The ship fades back in. You let out a breath.
You put the piece back down, cover the parts with the cloth, and close the box. Whatever that is… you decide not to give it to Kylo. If it hasn’t gotten to this… Luke… yet, then it needs to. Or at least you think it needs to? It’s all just a feeling. You tuck the small box underneath your seat and get up. The suns have nearly set and there’s still no sign of Kylo. Maybe it’s time to go find him.
You grab a spare cloak from the back of the ship and walk back to the house you first went to when you had arrived. Luckily, your gut feeling once again proved to be helpful. Sitting just outside the house is Kylo Ren. Though he definitely saw you coming, he elects not to look up. He doesn’t say anything. He simply sits, looking at the ground just in front of him. You wait, watching him.
“I don’t understand,” he finally says softly.
“Well, I don’t think sitting here is going to do much to help,” you reply with a small smile. He seems unamused. You move to sit down beside him. He takes his time before speaking again.
“I’m looking for something important, and… You’re supposed to be the key to finding it.”
“Me? But… how?”
“You know where it is.”
“And how would you know that?” You wait for an answer. Nothing comes. You sigh. “Alright, fine… If… If I help you find… whatever it is you’re looking for,” Kylo finally looks up to meet your careful gaze, “do you promise to take me back home, back to Coruscant? Permanently?”
His eyes narrow as he thinks. “What about your work?”
“That village is just about gone, thanks to you. There wouldn’t be a point to going back there.”
He hums. “And your memory?”
“You said you could help me remember, right?”
He nods, and for a moment, you thought you could see a smile.
“So you help me get my memory back, I help you find your…”
“Wayfinder,” he finishes for you.
“Alright… I help you find your wayfinder, you take me back home, and then we both go on our merry way. Deal?”
Kylo pauses, thinking. “Okay.”
You take a deep breath and stand.
“Well, we’ve got a lot to do then. Shouldn’t waste any more time.” You stand
Kylo doesn’t move. He looks up at you.
“C’mon,” you whisper with a soft smile, extending your hand to him.
He takes your hand and you help him stand. This small touch feels oddly familiar, almost like you’ve lived this moment before…
When he does make it to his feet, his body is notably close to yours. You both watch each other for a moment. His hand his still holding yours.
“It’s late. We need to get back.” He abruptly lets go of your hand and hastily walks back towards the ship. After quickly gathering your bearings, you follow him, practically jogging to keep up with his pace.
When you return, neither of you speak. However, the two of you keep glancing at each other. Despite, for once, feeling at ease around Kylo, you can’t help but feel a sort of tension hanging in the air. Not too strong, but not too weak; just enough to feel it. But you won’t address it, and you have a feeling that he isn’t about to either.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
When you do arrive to the Finalizer, he lets you off first and you head straight to your quarters. When you get to the door, you see Vy standing there. Though somewhat surprised, you feel relief.
“Sehanine, welcome back.” You nod to Vy and walk to your doorway, but stop halfway through, standing for a moment. “Is… there anything I can do for you?” You shake your head.
“No, no… don’t worry about it.” You step through the doorway and stop again. You turn on your heel. “Actually… Do you have a moment?”
“All I have is time, ma’am.”
“Right, but I mean… can I vent to you?” Vy looks around before nodding and stepping into the room. You sit down on your bed and pat next to you, signaling Vy to join you.
Hesitantly, she sits beside you. In silence, she waits for you to speak.
You take a moment to collect your thoughts. “Do you think Kylo makes all of his decisions on his own?”
“How do you mean?”
“I mean… do you think someone else is calling the shots?”
“Well, if you’re referring to Snoke, then-”
“Snoke?”
“He’s the Supreme Leader of the first order.”
“So is Kylo being… coerced into it?”
“I highly doubt it.”
“Really? He just... He seems so lost. And I know, he’s done horrible things- I’ve seen them. But- there’s good in him, Vy, I can feel it.”
Vy sighs, cooing your name. She takes off her helmet, setting it beside her. An all-too familiar face looks back at you.
“… Vilya?”
“Hello, love,” she says with a smile. You immediately pull your old friend into a tight hug.
“You… you’ve been here this whole time?”
“Well,” she pulls away, her hands resting on your shoulders, “no, but I when I heard about what happened, I knew someone had to take care of you.”
“But… how?”
“I-“
“Better yet, how did you even know I was here in the first place?” Vilya laughs, her hands falling from your shoulders into her lap.
“It’s a long story, I’ll have to explain after we get you through all… this…”
“But-“
“Don’t worry about it now,” she dismisses, “let’s talk about you.”
“Okay?”
“You should start with sorting out whatever feelings you have towards Kylo.”
You feel a blush creep up your neck and flush your cheeks. “What-“
“Oh come on, don’t lie to me now.”
“My only feelings towards that man-“
“Hey, hey, alright,” she puts her hands up for a moment in surrender. “Didn’t mean to trip your trigger… I just don’t want anything to cloud your thinking. Not when you’re in such a precarious situation.”
“Vilya, I’m fine. Really. We have an agreement now.”
Vilya sighs. “Listen, you seem to have really good instinct. Almost scary good?” She pauses, letting out a long breath, “But that’s another conversation,” she waves her hand, physically dismissing the idea, “So, just, follow your instinct. But don’t let him get to close.” She puts her helmet on. “Now, I have to go back to acting like I care about this place and making sure you don’t die.”
You laugh. “Goodnight, Vilya. It’s good to see you again.”
“Right back atchya.” With that, she steps out of the room. After a while longer of sitting and contemplating your situation, you decide to go to bed.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
Over the following weeks, you and Kylo learn to tolerate each other better. You find him stopping by your quarters more often to check up on you. It’s usually small interviews and various attempts to restore more of your memory; but nothing gets you closer. He often becomes frustrated; you figure it’s just because your memory loss is complicating the search for this wayfinder. After the interviews, you find yourself carrying longer conversations with the Commander. The atmosphere feels warmer, you learn to share hesitant smiles, and you butt heads less often. However, there is still some sort of inexplicable tension that seems to tie the two of you together. It pulls you ever closer to each other; keeping him on your mind in your waking moments as if trying to maintain a constant connection. Though you were certain that he could feel it as well, neither of you dared address it.
You’re walking around med bay, restocking supplies and organizing things when he walks in.
“Commander,” you greet with a smile. By now, you feel like you didn’t have to be so formal with Kylo. It’s nice, not walking on egg shells every time he’s around. You close the cupboard you had been organizing and turn to him. You sense a bit of disappointment from Vilya, but she nods to you and steps out. Kylo removes his helmet and sits on the cot. “Don’t tell me you went off and got yourself hurt again; I’m still trying to find a place for these new supplies you shipped in.”
“No,” he watches you, his countenance cool and collected, as always. Though you found yourself feeling lighter around him, he never changed around you; at least, as far as you could tell. “I have a gift for you.”
“A… gift?” You take a couple steps closer to Kylo as he stands.
“Come with me,” he says, extending his hand to you. You stare at it for a moment. Hesitantly, you take it. You feel your heart pound and you struggle to keep your breath even. You look back up at him. He’s watching you. Can he tell? Does he know?
Without a word, without an answer, he guides you out of med bay and back to The Finalizer’s hangar. The two of you walk up to a small ship.
“I realize you might still feel trapped on this ship. I thought it might be helpful to let you stretch your legs.”
About time we leave this place for a while. You look up at Kylo with a smile. “So, where are we going?”
“We aren’t going anywhere. This is yours. You may go wherever you like.”
“Kylo, this is-“
“You can only leave for up to one solar cycle at a time. You must be here for at least 5 solar cycles in between each time you travel. Otherwise, you risk neglecting your job. Understood?”
You nod quickly. “Of course.” The two of you stand for a moment. Though you alternate from looking at Kylo to looking at the ship- your ship- his eyes remain trained on you. You finally settle on staring back at him. “May I?”
He nods.
You manage a quick thank-you before getting into your ship. Though you’ve never flown one of these before, you seem to have little to no trouble figuring out how. It almost comes naturally. You like to tell yourself that maybe one of your parents was a pilot, and you just happen to remember what they taught you.
With a deep breath, you take off.
Kylo simply stands and watches you leave.
Although you aren’t completely sure, you could’ve sworn you saw the hint of a smile on his face.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
When you took off, you didn’t really have a destination in mind, to be honest. You were too focused on the fact that you were free. You were free to fly among the stars you had been staring at for weeks on end.
And it was exhilarating.
You had never been one for flying, but after being cooped up on a ship for months, you’re certain it’s your new favorite pass-time. Fiery white speckles in an open black sea were all the more beautiful when you could float among them freely. You test the speed, spinning and twirling every which way, and eventually stop for a moment to sit and stare at the vast universe surrounding you from a new perspective. The stars are pretty, but the planets were even more so. You love the variety of color on the surface of each one, and how the lights of big cities shined out into space. There was one in particular that had a lot of lights glowing on the surface, like a cluster of fireflies sitting on a bush. In fact, the more you looked at it, the more it looked like…
Home.
You stand from your perch and hop back into the pilot’s seat, racing your ship over the planet you now knew to be Coruscant. It took you little to no time to navigate your way back to your beloved home, landing on a small platform near your even smaller house. Just one night.
You walk in to find that your home is exactly the same way it was when you left it all those years ago. A lot of dust had collected, but not as much as you expected. Vilya must’ve kept the place clean for you. You walk around each room, as if rediscovering each corner, your hand dragging along the tattered walls and curtains. Walking into your parents’ bedroom, your eyes fall on a crack between two panels on the back wall. You go to the panel and push in on one side, popping the other out of the wall, before removing it. Lifting a cloth that sat atop the items, you see two handwritten notes and a small green pyramid, exactly where you had left them. You pick it up and turn it over in your hands a few times. You remembered the green glow from within the pyramid, but you don’t remember seeing a brighter green dot glowing in the middle. Hesitant, you slip the notes in your pocket and stick the pyramid back into the panel before closing the wall again.
Leaving the room, you go to your old bedroom pick up your own bedsheets. You dust them off just outside the door and remake the bed. Laying down, you stare up at the tattered ceiling. You let out a sigh. You’re home.
But… it’s different. You shift. Why is it so different? You sit up. Maybe it’s because I can’t see the stars.
You head out to the front of your home and sit against your doorway, staring up at the sky. It’s hard to see as many of the stars on Coruscant, with all of the lights of the city.
Maybe it’s all the noise.
Or… Maybe it’s just time to get back to the finalizer.
You step into your ship and fly off.
Landing on the ship, there’s plenty of people about. You forget that everyone on the finalizer is on different sleep schedules- at least, for those that actually do sleep. You head to med bay and rummage through your medicines, looking for something that can help put you to sleep. You sift through some drawers, empty out a couple of cupboards, and check your bag, but you can’t find anything. You’d used the last of your chamomile herbs the day before, so the restock hasn’t arrived yet. With a stifled grunt, your throw the empty bottle at the wall. You hear the sound of glass hit leather as your eyes follow the projectile, only to meet the gaze of Kylo, empty bottle clutched in his gloved hand.
“You’re back?” He asks, calmly setting the bottle down.
“Kylo…” Your words stick in your throat.
His brows come together for a moment as a thin layer of concern shows itself on his face. He moves towards you.
“Yes?” He closes the gap between the two of you.
You sit down on the cot, and to your surprise, he follows suit. “I, uh,” you clear your throat, “I couldn’t sleep.”
“You were planning on spending the night at home?” He asks, watching you as he removes his gloves and places them in his pocket.
“Wait, how-?” You look to him. “How did you know I went home?”
“Security.”
You nod. Of course, I’m still not free.
Silence hangs in the air for a moment. You keep your eyes on the ground, but he continues to watch you. You take a breath, about to ask him why he’s here, but he speaks before you get the chance.
“I couldn’t fall sleep either… If that’s any comfort to you,” He adds, his voice soft.
You huff in a short, breathy laugh. “Good to know I’m not the only insomniac on this ship... If only I still had my herbs,” you add, nodding towards the empty bottle he caught earlier.
Kylo hums.
Another few moments of silence.
You can hear Vilya’s voice in your head; her disapproval. It gives you pause. Is he really here by chance? But, what would he gain by lying? And he’s so gentle.
Suddenly, you both begin to speak at once.
“I could-“
“Will you-“
The two of you stop and smile before laughter fills the air. You’ve never seen him smile like that before. It’s nice. Really nice. Maybe he really isn’t so bad after all. He watches you, the smile still sitting on his lips as he waits for you to talk. Has he always looked at me like that? You clear your throat.
“Will you sit with me?” you finally ask, “at least, until one of us is tired enough to sleep?” His posture shifts backward, and you immediately regret asking. Despite your anticipation for rejection, he doesn’t seem opposed. He stands, holding his hand out to you. You glance from his hand to his eyes, not making any effort to hide your confusion.
“We could stay here if you really wanted, but the cot isn’t very comfortable.” You nod, slowly placing your hand in his. He helps you to your feet. Instead of pulling his hand away, like you expected, he keeps his grip while guiding you through the various corridors of the ship.
While you would normally be excited to see more of the ship, your mind can only focus on his hand holding yours. You pass the soldier’s quarters, one of the main offices, and a training room, but it isn’t until Kylo leads you past your own quarters that you realize where you’re going.
As you enter one of the extra guest rooms, the storm trooper standing outside the door seems to watch you follow him in, but you try to pay no mind to it.
This room is huge compared to yours. It seems to have all of the amenities one could want in a room threefold. Even the bed is almost comically large. Kylo lets go of your hand and walks through another door, leaving you in the main area. You walk around the room, looking everything over, from the kitchen to the bed. Your fingers trace over an object or countertop every now and again. As you pass the dining table, you see a tablet out with a map open and a single point highlighted, labeled with the same ID number as your new personal ship. He’s tracking my ship? The door slides open and Kylo reenters as you look back to him, folding your hands in front of you. He’s changed into looser pants, his shirt nowhere to be found. You pointedly decide to focus on keeping your eyes on his face.
“Sorry, I was just-“
“It’s alright, feel free to make yourself at home,” he assures you, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed. He flips a switch on some kind of control panel at the top of the dresser and you jump a bit at the sound of a machine whirring. One of the walls of the room slides into the corners to reveal a window facing out to the stars. A greenish-blue planet slowly passes by in the distance. You walk to the window and watch the planet spin by.
“Why didn’t we just go to my room? Or yours?”
“Because this has more space, and it belongs to no one. So, we’re equally comfortable.”
“Or uncomfortable,” you add with a smirk, turning back to him for a moment.
“Or uncomfortable,” he confirms.
He really can be charming.
“Does that door go to your quarters, then?” You ask, pointing to the door he had just entered through.
“No,” he scoffs, “it’s just a closet.”
“Really?”
“You can take a look and help yourself, if you’d like.”
You nod, walking over to the door. It opens as you approach. Inside is a short crimson-colored corridor lined with dressers. You walk in, the door shutting behind you, and begin to sift through to find some looser clothes that would be more comfortable to sleep in, setting your day clothes in a bin by the door. You step out to find Kylo still sitting at the edge of the bed, watching the stars. You sit, leaning against the headboard on the side opposite to him.
“I’m sorry we haven’t been making any progress,” you pipe up, breaking the silence again.
“What do you mean?” He asks, keeping his back to you and his eyes on the stars.
“We haven’t gotten any closer to finding your wayfinder or restoring my memories.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“It feels like it is.”
“And if it is?”
“Well-“ You pause. “Then I’m making the situation complicated… and causing unnecessary stress.”
“You wouldn’t be the only one.” He stands up and walks around to the other side of the bed, crawling in under the comforter. He turns his back to you. A good few inches of empty space lie between the two of you.
“Maybe, now that I can fly, I can try to find some answers,” you add, hoping to lift his spirits.
“No one’s stopping you.”
You stare at him. Why does it suddenly feel like I’m talking to a wall? You wait for a couple of minutes, hoping he’ll say something, anything, but nothing comes. Your heart sinks a little. You take a deep breath and tuck yourself under the sheets, turning onto your side so that your back faces Kylo’s, and you do your best to clear your mind.
However, admittedly, having the commander in the same bed is a little distracting. Why would it be? It shouldn’t be. There’s no reason. Unless- well, of course I care about him, I care about getting your memories back. Maybe we can be friends. Maybe- Vilya’s voice begins to argue with your own in your mind; a back and forth full of doubts and hopes and wonderings and feelings and everything in between.
Kylo shifts.
Your eyes shoot open as your thoughts stop in their tracks. You feel the bed shake a little and dip behind you when suddenly a hand rests on your side. You hold your breath for a moment, glancing down at it.
“Your thoughts are loud,” Kylo whispers low, “sleep.”
You wish you knew what the hell that meant, but at this point you’re too tired to try to figure it out. Though it takes you a moment to adjust, eventually you grow comfortable- notably, somehow more comfortable than when he was on the opposite side of the bed. Your mind stills as you focus on the warmth of his hand on your side. Before you can overthink anything else, you drift off to sleep.
Despite your peaceful sleep and the hope that this means a new stage in your relationship with Kylo- and finding the good within him- you wake up to an empty bed, the room lacking any sign of the Commander’s presence.
(Part 4)