what the hell am i doing with myself.
my reaction to having a lot of things to do is to do absolutely nothing. i don't know why i do this EVERY. GODDAMN. TIME. it's not productive. i don't even enjoy myself. i just sit around worrying about how much stuff i have to do without doing ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
people keep telling me to 'just start', but it really doesn't help. i work for maybe 10 minutes before i get sidetracked and just don't do anything productive anymore. sometimes if i'm really motivated it works, but most of the time it doesn't. changing scenery doesn't help either. i went to the library to work and spent 5 hours there.... of that, i probably worked properly for at most 2 hours. and that's overestimating a lot.
i have a motion graphics project due on wednesday that i haven't even started. another one had storyboards and moodboards due on friday and i had neither done so i skipped the class. i haven't posted any of the work i've done for portfolio, nor have i arranged a calendar for it because i STILL don't know how long anything on the syllabus will take me. i'm already several days behind on my thesis schedule.
the worst part is that i don't really care.
i don't care that i'm already on track to get low grades in or even fail my core classes. (if i fail even one class i'm taking this semester i can't graduate until next spring because they're only offered once a year.) i don't care that having a shit final semester will look bad. i don't care that this is a firable work habit. i don't care that people won't want to hire me. i don't care that i'm retreating into myself. i don't care. i don't care. i don't care!!!!!!
i don't want to be a storyboard artist. i don't want to be an animator. i don't want to be a designer. i don't want to be successful. i don't want to be a leader. i don't want to be a good artist. i don't want to be a worker. i don't want to *be* anything.
but i'm not allowed to be "nothing", i guess
