chapter 9; you don't deserve to hate yourself
currently queued: double take - dhruv
yn was sat at his desk, a complete mess—as a matter of fact, his entire room was a complete mess. outfits and clothes laid out everywhere, the exact outfit he wore to chaewon’s party laid out on his couch, stacks of books all over the floor. his desk was somehow worse—packets of classwork and homework all over the desk, pages in them with sporadic writings in pencil and red pen, his calculator sitting on top of the mess of papers that somehow spat out the wrong answer three times in a row.
a playlist of soppy-love songs that yn definitely did not relate to were blasting from his phone, turning what should be an intense lock-in session into a half-productive study session with a bit of karaoke and spilled emotions that nobody asked for.
yn was probably on the verge of tears—half because of his extreme obsession with being academically smart was slowly dwindling at the fact that he was also slowly becoming a failure and half because of the music bringing back all of the memories from that weekend. studying was like a release from yn’s general pains: parental issues, poor social life, tiredness, anything. however, now, studying for this test only served as a reminder of the impending doom he would feel when he walked into calc the next day and sat next to the one person he doesn’t want to see right now.
it’s funny, though, does yn really not want to see juyeon? of course, that wasn’t true. more than anything, yn wanted to see juyeon—god knows he wanted to do so much more than just see him. but, regardless, he didn’t want to see juyeon or be in his presence to begin with because he knew it’d be awkward. the only reason juyeon and yn weren’t talking to begin with was because yn specifically told him to—yn knew that stupid phrase was a mistake and should’ve never been said. he knew that more than anything he wanted to make things up with juyeon. but, of course, like any other insane loser, yn was never gonna admit that he was wrong or that he shouldn’t have said something. instead, yn chose to wait—wait for something that would never happen, and leave what could have possibly been between yn and juyeon a blissful ignora—
yn turned around to his window, a soft couple of knocks scaring the shit out of him.
yn’s phone buzzed—several times, in fact.
“what the fuck?” yn began, slightly confused, slightly scared, and ever so slightly annoyed. why? who knows.
“yn,” a muffled voice spoke from behind the glass and curtains. “yn are you there?”
thank god yn lived alone. lord knows if elihu didn’t have dorms and yn had been living with his parents—yn and juyeon both would be dead that night. at least yn would’ve been buried with him maybe, just like he wanted.
anyways—yn was frozen in fear. he was still sat at his desk, looking completely fucked up at 10 at night in glasses, an elihu hoodie, and thin elihu embroidered sleeping pants. repping the school at all times might not have been intentional or beneficial here.
yn slowly pushed himself up from his desk, slowly approaching the window. he placed a hand on each side of the curtain, breathed in shakily, and drew back the curtains.
juyeon, completely soaked from the rain, had his head maybe inches away from the glass, his hand connecting his forehead to the glass to stop his eyes from filling with rain. “yn please,” juyeon said, probably because he was actively getting stormed on.
yn’s eyes dilated even further, off-put by the sight. but, like the people-pleaser he is, he quickly unlocked the locks on the window-sill, pulling it up and grabbing juyeon by his shoulder and pulling him inside. yn closed the window, re-locking it as a little bit of water began to settle on the window sill.
juyeon stood there behind yn awkwardly, slightly shivering from the cold. he looked down at yn, his eyebrows slightly furrowed in nervousness as he knew what was to come. his right arm hugged his left shoulder.
“let me get you a towel,” yn said, running into his bathroom and pulling out a red bath towel from the cabinet under the sink.
yn unfolded it, holding it horizontally as he wrapped it around juyeon’s.
juyeon held onto the ends of the towel, still shaking. “thank you, yn.” juyeon stood still, not knowing what to say or what to do despite making this bold move to basically break into his future-boyfriend’s dorm in the middle of a storming night. yet, all of that awkwardness aside, juyeon felt cared for still, even though from his perspective, yn wanted nothing to do with him. obviously, while a guy like juyeon had been with girls before, he never experienced being the one cared for—it was usually him on the giving end of these types of gestures.
“so,” yn began, slowly. “why did you come here?”
“i couldn’t just not talk to you, yn. i know you said you didn’t want to talk to me again and i’m sorry i came here, i just couldn’t think… i didn’t… i didn’t think i could just not speak to you again.” juyeon shook, unwrapping the towel and trying to dry himself off just so he could stop getting water all over the floor. really it was just to not make eye contact with yn.
“what do you need me for?”
“i’m sure you know by now but everyone kind of is bullying the shit out of me—”
“yn please, let me finish—”
“i don’t know, juyeon, it kinda seems like you finished already.”
“yn please. i don’t know how much renjun told you already but i swear, i did not want to kiss that guy. i’m not here to get pity out of you because people are making fun of me. that i don’t really care about. but between that, the football team finding out, and this fuck ass test tomorrow i don’t know if they’re gonna keep me on the football team.”
although it definitely sounded like yn was kind of being used a bit right now, he did technically have to tutor juyeon at the request of his own teacher. and besides, there was a little bit of benefit for yn. if he doesn’t help juyeon, then how would he ever see him play football ever again?
“juyeon,” yn began, choking up. “i don’t trust you.
no matter what yn said, he knew he couldn’t make any more mistakes. he wouldn’t want something like this to ever happen again. and even though he really wanted to say it, he knew he could never bring himself to say that he hated juyeon or didn’t like him. in fact, he still did have feelings for juyeon. feelings that just wouldn’t go away.
“yn,” juyeon moved towards a crying yn, pulling him into a hug.
while juyeon was still damp, it felt comforting to yn, knowing that somebody still cared for him. despite all of yn’s attempts to convince himself he was a strong person that could be as mad as he wanted to and could hold a grudge, he knew deep down that he couldn’t.
“yn, its okay. i’m sorry for everything. you don’t have to trust me right now. you don’t have to ever trust me. but i know that i care for you still. and i don’t want that to ever change.”
yn continued to sob in his arms, unmoving. juyeon didn’t pull away.
“i wish i could, juyeon. i really hate myself for this. i hate everything about this and everything i told you—everything i said about you, i didn’t mean it i swear,” yn said, admitting everything.
“yn stop it,” juyeon said sternly, pulling away slightly to look yn in the eyes. “don’t say that. i know you didn’t mean it, you don’t have to apologize. don’t say you hate yourself, yn. how could you hate yourself? do you see yourself? do you see who you are and what you’ve become? yn i barely know you but i’m so proud of you. whether you believe me or not is up to you, but please know that people care about you. you don’t deserve to hate yourself—nobody does. tell me you know that, yn.”
yn stared into juyeon’s eyes, the words he spoke still processing slowly. yn’s breathing was still sharp, a paralyzing feeling that he couldn’t shake. “juyeon i…”
without thinking, yn reached for juyeon’s face, holding and pulling him in.
juyeon’s eyes widened for a second, realizing what yn just did. but, after a moment, his eyelids fell heavy and the entire world seemed to stop. the music continued to play through their kiss, the rain pitter-pattering on the window non-stop.
yn pulled away softly, opening his eyes and looking back at juyeon. “let me help you—”
as yn nervously scrambled away to dig through his piles of papers on his desk and textbooks scattered across the room to work through with juyeon, juyeon finally felt like he could feel peace. even though he knew that the rest of the school was probably going to be at his throat the next day and that yn still didn’t completely trust him, he at least knew that he had a chance to redeem himself with yn.
and just then, somehow, all of the other problems that juyeon had seemed to dwindle away.
synopsis ⊹ ࣪ ˖ academic weapon lee yn picks up his phone mid study session late one night to a message from football player lee juyeon, elihu international’s current wide receiver. juyeon says he’s at yn’s window, mere seconds before yn hears a light knocking. like the absolute genius he is, yn lets juyeon in; little do either of them know it wouldn’t be the last time.
(open) current taglist! @pedifero @bbibbiiu @unintentionalbee @naelvze @academiq @haoeffect
author's note! holy crap this chapter made me want to just end it with the way juyeon treated yn oh my god my heart hurts 💔 im so excited to write more of this trust me it'll get better and better (and then come crashing down) BUT IT'LL BE OKAY
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