The first shot rings out and they all duck. Joel does not move until he sees Ellie and has a hand on her back to guide her to cover behind the car. And he keeps it there until they’re fully behind it and he checks to see where the shots are coming from.
“Stay here.” “What?”
Immediate fear. Some guys trying to snipe them and she doesn’t know from where, and Joel has the audacity to say ‘stay here’. She knows exactly what he’s thinking. That he is going after him. But Ellie fears for him, as capable as he is. She cares about him. She doesn’t want to lose him. Not in a setting like this. And just like their night out in the woods and after they crashed, he reassures her. He’s so good at that, isn’t he?
He faces her directly. He holsters his gun, turns completely around, puts his hands out in a ‘listen to me. I’m sure of this’ fashion, looks her dead in the eye, and speaks to her gently. Firmly, determined, but gentle.
“If you don’t move, he’s not gonna hit you.” Again, this same reassurance <3 she’s expressed fear over him more than anything, and he reassures her that she will be okay if she doesn’t move. Nothing about his safety, only hers and how to maintain it.
And he tells her his plan. He’s not hiding what he’s trying to do from her. He does this so she knows his mindset, where he’s going, and how he’s doing. Trying to calm her down the ways he knows how.
“But if you go out there, he’s gonna kill you.” I LOVE MUTUAL CONCERN. But she just says it outright. Expresses that fear and care outright.
“It’s dark and he has shit aim, nobody’s gonna kill me” what a roast. But true. He was an old man with a death wish.
“Then he’s gonna kill us!” She’s trying to keep him with her. She’s trying to give him a reason to stay down there with them. With her. So that he can stay down there and be by her side to protect her like they’ve become so adept at doing. And he thinks about this for a second. He doesn’t want to lose them, especially Ellie. But in the end, he knows better. He’s the one out of the four of them who can do this. And unless he runs out of ammo, they’re stuck there. And Joel wouldn’t willingly send any of them into possible fire if he can help it.
“Do you trust me?” She has no reason not to. He’s proven time and time again that he is trustworthy. From killing that first QZ soldier to the ambush to now. She has seen him protect her without a second thought. He has gained her trust through every encounter with infected or people. He’s gained it through their nights and days. He’s been honest in everything he’s told her. There’s very little room left to not trust him.
And eventually she nods, as reluctant as it is. If she says yes, he does it. If she says no, he does it anyway. As much as she wants him down there with her, she does trust him to protect her. To protect them.
And she watches him go until he’s completely out of sight [bonus- the very light and almost off screen hand on her arm as he’s walking away :’)]. Because she fears for him. Because she’s scared of him getting hurt. Of losing him. She cares about him, more than she knows what to deal with, and way more than he’s comfortable with. And to know he still tries to get rid of her next episode 🤣
And then Joel gets in the house and kills the old man, a shot goes off and Ellie immediately shoots up from behind the car. Because, for a moment, she thinks it’s him. But there wasn’t a struggle. Not multiple shots or any signs of them fighting. Just one shot, and it was his revolver, so she knows it was him. Besides, he promised her no one was going to kill him. And she trusts him
Remembering how Joel purposefully tugged on Ellie’s (little) gun (that’s for you z love you) when he was teaching her how to handle it correctly. How Ellie had to shoot a kid (a failure on Joel’s part—so he blames himself because he, as we all well know, was ‘too slow and too fuckin’ deaf to hear him comin’) and Joel saw how it affected her and, maybe in a way, knew how it was getting to him, too. To do it for his own peace of mind. To make her smile after she had to shoot someone and then have the conversation they just did.
He didn’t have to tug on it. He could’ve said, ‘look it’ and tugged it once to show her that her grip on it was good and that would be that. He did it another time, exaggerated it even, just to get that reaction out of her.
A way of saying, “I’m not mad,” I think. A way to show he was sorry she had to do that. A way to show that he was sorry for not being able to protect her enough that it reached the point that she had to protect him.
She’s knows his violent and protective side. The guy she’s seen tell her to get to safety while he stands in the line of fire to protect her. Who brutally beat a man right in front of her because he would’ve shot him them. Who sniped infected from a building to keep her safe and to clear her a path. Who pulled a clicker off of her, even though she’s the immune one, to protect her and kill it. Perhaps the biggest one, torturing and brutally killing men in order to find her.
But she also knows his gentle and caretaking side. The side that cares about her well-being, safety, and the things she’s exposed to, despite it being the apocalypse. She knows the side of him that draped his coat overtop of her while she was sleeping so she wouldn’t get too cold. Who tossed the remainder of his jerky to her. The side of him that stopped her on the road to keep her from seeing the pile of skeletons. The man who giggled with her over a stupid diarrhea joke in the dead of night. Who buckled her seatbelt for her when he really didn’t have to. The man who shielded her from a clicker by holding her behind him. Who held her hands so gently when showing her how to hold her gun. Who held onto her pack and guided her behind a car and didn’t let go until she was safely ducked behind it. Who taught her how to shoot their rifle with a smile on his face and a hand on her back. Who held her hand so tightly, despite the pain he was in and effort it took.
That’s who she knows. And when he finally finds her in winter and holds her face and tells her “it’s me,” and she recognizes herself that “it’s Joel,” she knows. She knows he’ll hold her.
these two moments. this moment (which I don’t think I ever analyzed or posted WHOOPS maybe some day). this whole snippet of Joel taking his coat off and Ellie’s hand lingering on his arm and the way she looks at him. How she stares at him in this fashion of unbelief and thankfulness and love. She put a knife in his hands and told her to kill anyone who made it down there. He did. She told him to wake up. He did. And he found her just when she needed him. She’s not expecting it because he’s supposed to be in that basement, but he’s here.
And she takes him in as fully as she can. Staring at him, the whole time. Never blinking, not once. Her hand stays on his arm til he shuffles his coat off, afraid he’ll somehow disappear if she cannot immediately feel him under her fingertips. She watches him, the ghost of a smile on her lips because he’s there. He’s alive and he’s found her. Her comforting presence is right in front of her, alive and breathing. Her adrenaline still pumping from what transpired in that restaurant. Her eyes have a glimmer of light and love in them watching him.
And he watches her just as intently, studying what exactly she looks like. Never blinking, scanning her face of the blood and and her sweater, a mix of confusion, anger, and concern. How much has he missed? What happened? Why does she have blood on her face? Why did she cling to me in such a way? Why is she crying so hard? There’s so many questions, but they don’t have the time to talk. Joel knows she can’t, and he doesn’t push. He simply gives her the clothes off his back to keep her warm.
And then this.
Her expression, mainly. Void of… anything. She’s exhausted. She’s traumatized. She’s processing, or trying to. She is fighting for her life. Her mind is running rampant of everything, trying to catch up with the last few weeks.
And I think what goes along with that is that she’s with Joel now. She can finally, finally, let herself feel. She can stop fighting for her life for a second.
She’s not just near him or walking next to him. She’s held against him. The man she’s found plenty of protection and care in from a distance up until this point is holding her against his side, helping her walk. He’s wrapped her up in his coat and is trying to pull it around her more. His head is against hers, no indication of letting her go. His warmth and heartbeat and breath are right beside her, letting her know he’s there. That she’s safe now.
And she lets it all happen. She really can’t protest or make an effort to try anything else because she’s exhausted. She’s so tired and she’s hurt and confused and broken.
And that all catches up to her now. But it catches up to her in the safety of his hold. Bundled up in the warmth of his coat and held in the unparalleled safety of his embrace. She is able to feel, now, because he’s there.
Analyzing time?? This one’s really long and it is 5am, forgive me
he was doing the nervous hand rub thing before they started talking :/
“It was Marlene. She hired us to smuggle her to some Fireflies. It went bad. Tess got bit. She made me swear to take the kid.” voice cracks :/ though it’s for Tess. Mans cannot process grief and is still struggling. I want to hug him so bad. “It was her dying wish, what the hell was I supposed to do?”
“We made it as far as K.C., and then, y’now, she saved my life there from another kid. Five years ago I would’ve destroyed him. But that had to shoot him to save me. Fourteen years old.” Second voice crack. Because she’s 14. Because she shouldn’t have to do that, like he told her in that store. She’s just a kid. A, supposed to be innocent and happy, kid.
“Because I was too slow and too fucking deaf to hear him comin’. And I saw…I saw a man kill his own brother to save her life while I just watched.”
Something he couldn’t move. Something he wanted to stop. And when he did find his feet and felt like he was able to do more than watch, he was stopped. He was prevented from getting to her. To protecting her. To cleansing that fear that was eating away at every muscle in his body. To grab her and check her and make sure she wasn’t hurt. How he couldn’t stop her from seeing Henry do that. Or how he couldn’t have stopped Sam from turning.
“And today, I thought that dog was gonna tear her apart because it smelled somethin’ on her. And all I did was stand there. I couldn’t…move.” And his voice is so shaky. Because the fear is too much for him. It’s been too much for him mentally, and now it’s even too much for him physically. Showing itself outwardly and coming out in little nervous ticks of anxiety, as well as panic attacks.
“I couldn’t think of anything, is- I just…I was so afraid.”
Now, let’s hope I can write out the thoughts my brain likes to tease me with but ultimately keeps a secret. It’s not just “I was afraid” or “I was scared” or whatever. It’s “I was so afraid.” I was petrified. He is so wracked with a constant overwhelming, debilitating, and exhausting fear over her and her safety. The thought of a dog smelling any infection in her and tearing her to shreds. Of how they were surrounded and Joel wouldn’t be able to take all of them. How they’d shoot her on site and she’d fall behind him while panic, fear, and anger rise in him as he bends beside her dead body. How he has a panic attack, right here, because he’s staring at this man with his rifle pointed right at Ellie, waiting for that dog to bark so he can fire. How Joel’s hearing goes out. How it’s all muffled and and morphed. How he thinks ‘this could be it, again’. How he knows this dog could smell it and that there’s no way, just like all the people before, to prevent it. But what brings him out of those rampaging thoughts and that panic is her laughing. Her. Those thoughts are calmed and taken under control when that wonderful, wonderful sound hits his ears. That sound he’s fallen asleep to. The sound that calms him down. Down enough to bring him out of a panic attack and enough to lull him to sleep.
“You think I can still handle things, but…I’m not who i was. I’m weak.” Joel miller, stoic man, who wholeheartedly believes emotions are a weakness. It’s what he’s built up against the last twenty years. And when Ellie comes and tears that down and makes him feel again, it’s so much. He used to be strong, ruthless. Now he’s vulnerable and weak. For caring about his little girl.
“Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up out of nowhere and…and my heart feels like it’s stopped.”
Oh to love someone so incredibly much that thinking about them and their safety and how you need to protect them sends you into a panic attack. As terrible as it is, that seems pretty profound to me.
“And I have dreams every night. (What kind of dreams?) I don’t know. I can’t remember. But I just know that, when I wake up, I’ve lost somethin’.
‘Somethin’ used to be Sarah, and now it’s Ellie, at least a few times. Maybe they take each others spots. Maybe Ellie dies the way Sarah does. Maybe Sarah gets torn apart by that dog. Maybe it’s their faces morphing back and forth in that grass as she cries and grips at him, costing his arm and neck in her blood. Maybe it’s Ellie calling him dad. Maybe it’s Sarah under that runners thrashing arms and teeth.
“I’m failin’ in my sleep.” WHAT THE HELL CRAIG. “It’s all I do. All I’ve ever done.”
It’s all he ever does. He’s a walking failure. He cannot be right, no matter how hard he tries. Even before the apocalypse, he forgot to buy pancake mix so that Sarah could make them birthday pancakes, and he forgot their cake. He never even got to get their cake. And he swore on his life he would. Another fail. Every person he’s ever murdered, especially the innocent. Every failed attempt at protecting someone. Tess, Henry, Sam, Tommy. All failures. It’s all he’s ever done.
“Is fail her. Again and again and again.”
‘Fail her’. Disappointment in his face at himself, almost. Because that’s who Joel Miller is. A failure and inevitably disappointed at himself for not being able to stop it. Stop Sarah, Tess, bill and Frank, or Henry and Sam. And now, stop Ellie. How, when the time comes, because it always does, he won’t be able to stop it. Because he’s cursed and all he can do, without a shadow of a doubt, is fail. And how her is turning into both of them. It’s a gray area. She’s a gray area. He’s having nightmares of both. He’s failing both. But we can barely tell the difference anymore. But it’s his kid. And a parent should never feel like they failed their child. And yet he does, a million times over
“I’m gonna get her killed, I know it. I know it. I have to leave her.”
‘Just like I killed Sarah’. And he can’t do it. He can’t stomach that. He can’t face that. He can’t look his other daughter in the eyes as she dies, too. Because he knows it’ll happen. He knows. He’s positive of her fate, and he has to leave.
“…You have to take her. You can’t tell anyone, not even Maria. Tommy, you’re the only one I trust. If anyone else sees those bites on her, what’s under her skin…they’ll shoot her. It’s the last thing I’ll ever ask of you. I swear.”
He cannot stop talking about how much he fears. Even once’s she’ll be gone and away from being his responsibility any longer, he still worries. That if anyone finds out before the Fireflies, they’ll shoot her. How even though Tommy would be the one with her, he still has to say it. Still has to make an effort to tell Tommy how fucking much she means to Joel. And no matter where he’d go, she’d still be with him. What happened to her would still follow him. If she was okay would still follow him. She’d follow him to the ends of the earth. Her jokes, her laughing, her attempts at whistling and her incessant questioning. It’d follow him everywhere.
“I’ll take her out at dawn.”
And he exhales like he’d held his breath their whole journey there. Tommy agrees, thank goodness. She’s not his responsibility. Mere hours from now he’ll be let go of that job. Of that kid. Of that little fly buzzing in his ear. He’ll be able to go wherever: back to Boston, a house in Jackson, maybe the little sheep farm he talked about. But she’ll be gone. That’s what matters.
But as relieved as that sigh sounds, it’s not complete relief. He doesn’t want to do this. “Do you give a shit about me or not?” “Of course I do.” How could she ask that? He doesn’t want to let her go. He wants to hold her into his side and let his heart feel what she’s so graciously opened up for him to feel. To have her and keep going together. To be a ‘we’. To have his second chance at fatherhood and to let it hit him with all the force of a tsunami. But it all ties back to failure. He will fail her. “I made this decision for your own good” because I’ll get you killed. Because I’ll fail. It’s what I’m good at. Because it’s all I know how to do. It’s the one thing I can do, perfectly. I’ll fail at protecting you. You’ll die, just like the rest of them. Just like her. And I cannot handle that. So I’m leaving you. Because I love you way too much to put you through that.
who could’ve guessed. me. skoulsons. talking about the hand hold again.
anyway. these four-ish seconds.
she grabs his hand in the first two and squeezes. She then readjusts her grip to a more interlaced grip (really only with her first finger) with his.
But he???? Really tries to squeeze back??? You SEE that. His fingers are close together by the time she pulls away and you can SEE the difference in grip in the third and fourth pics. How his fingers are a much tighter hold in the fourth because, when their fingers are interlaced like this, he can hold on better with the little strength he has. And hold on he does.
And by the fifth pic, his hand is an almost-fist, his fingers all tightly together and were actively closing as Ellie squeezed and then pulled away.
And even AFTER she lets go and moves to his wound, before he starts to lift it, his grip relaxes when her hand is no longer there. He has no reason to hold on tight anymore because her hand isn’t in his.
And when he does eventually lift it, he’s not looking for something to stabilize himself. At that moment, he’s not going for her jacket or her arm or something to hold to keep his pain somewhat bearable, as he does a few shots from this point. He’s doing it because he’s reaching for her. Her hand, her face, wherever, to hold her a little bit longer
Hopefully I’m not grasping at straws, but this has been making my brain melt out of my ears for weeks. Maybe it’ll just be a hc if I’m wrong and everyone disagrees <3
Baylan’s stance. In almost all of his scenes, he stands (or walks, on the rare occasion) with his right hand resting on his saber.
The first example of this is in episode 1 when he sends Shin to Lothal. Baylan doesn’t have his hand resting on it when he’s standing near Morgan when he and Marrok return, but when Morgan leaves and Shin stands beside him, he does. And when Shin leaves, the shot is wider and we see Baylan standing in this way as Shin walks away.
Then, at the beginning of episode 2 when he and Shin bring the map to Seatos, he has his hand there as they walk up.
He continues to keep it rested there throughout the scene. As Morgan plays around with the star map and shows Peridea, his hand is always resting on his saber.
This shot was a specific kind that I was looking for when it came to making this post. While you can kind of see his arm here, the main thing is that his arm position is drastic enough to change how his cloak sits around him. He doesn’t keep his arm close to his side when he stands like this. His elbow juts out enough that it makes a difference in his cloak.
BUT, before I talk about my original plan, a few more things.
This is the only scene he has in episode 3, and it’s at the very end. Obviously, he’s not standing like he usually is.
And, you guessed it, his hand is rested there in all their scenes in episode 4 as well, even when they talk to Morgan on the Eye of Sion through the weird hologram thing.
And I think, personally, this comes down to primarily Shin. I think he stands how he does out of protection for her. So for that ^ scene? He’s just standing, waiting. No one to protect.
Then this scene. They’re not around anyone. We see Morgan’s ship flying away and I guess, til Thrawn got there, the Great Mothers just dipped for a while?? Either way, they’re alone. They’re comfortable. Shin’s tone is borderline teasing sometimes. They both smile and have a good conversation. And still, in the comfort of each other, his hand is still there. A scene where he could drop his guard and relax a little bit, he still doesn’t. Comfortable stance? Sure. They’re on a strange, dangerous planet with people they both don’t really trust? Also true. She’s his padawan and we’ve seen before how protective he is over her? Yep, that too.
She’s been with him for a long time. He’s protected her for a long time. He’s cared about her for a long time. He’s trained her for a long time. He’s been her father (figure) for a long time. It’s a habit that’s been created through their time together.
And I don’t think he does it because it’s the most comfortable way for him to stand. If it were, I don’t think he’d ever bother standing with his arms out in front of him.
Now, I did say primarily Shin. There are some scenes (really just one lmao) where he does it with Morgan when Shin is not around.
Though, in the second one here, he does immediately take his hand off and hold them out in front of him because Morgan is leaving and he’s staying to wait for Ahsoka. No one to protect.
Do I think he stands like this to have his saber ready in an instant if Shin is in trouble? Absolutely. Do I also think that, in the scenes where he stands like this with Morgan, it is also used to protect Morgan (albeit maybe a little selfishly) because Peridea is Baylan’s goal and she is needed to make sure that he gets there? Yea, probably.
So. A day or two after watching the finale, I was thinking about Baylan’s last scene (as you do). I didn’t have the scene pulled up, but I remember thinking, “Wait, did he have his hand resting on his saber?” For a few days. I didn’t open my computer to even check (brain and life ynow the vibes) whether he did or not, so I just kind of daydreamed in ignorance thinking that his hand wasn’t resting on it.
For those few days, that thought had me going. If that was a habit he’d built up for years because I won’t lose another padawan (dphc willing), then. mmm yea that had me a bit sad. A habit he built up to protect Shin at all costs. To not risk anything for her life. To keep yet another dead child from haunting every decision he makes. To just not lose someone else. Furthermore, a habit like that is going to be difficult to break. If the jump from Ahsoka and Sabine settling down with the Noti was a few weeks from Baylan standing on the Father’s hand, I could maybe see him losing the habit. Shin isn’t there with him, so what’s there to protect?
But if the scenes are only a matter of a few days apart, then I’d think he’d still have that habit.
And whether it was a few days or a few weeks, he still does it.
As he walks up, which isn’t always the case with scenes where he walks (the scenes where he does walk with his hand on his saber are around Shin), his arm is at his side.
This shot, you can see the hint of metal at the top of his saber. Usually, if his hand were there, you would see all of his fingers by now.
But then, there’s his final shot. Much like the third screenshot in this post, his cloak is covering his arms and it’s slightly hard to tell. And even with his new and gorgeously improved cloak with what I can only imagine is Howler skin, you can still see how the position of his arm affects how his cloak sits around it. Even easier than that, you can see the crook of his elbow and just the fact that his arm is bent.
That means the habit is still there. He’s still doing it without thinking. Whether it took him three days or three weeks to find the statues of the Ones, the habit is still there. That need, that part of him that spent year after year after year protecting Shin is still prominent, even with her gone. Even though they’ve parted. Even though he put distance between them, that need, that inclination to protect is still there.
Maybe it’s because it’s a dangerous planet. Maybe it’s because he’s had to kill a lot of things to get there. Maybe it comes from his determination to stay alive and to find the beginning he so desperately wants.
But… I honestly think it is the part of him that is still holding on to Shin with a vice, white-knuckle grip.
First part is here since I pick up right where i left off :)
Again, if I repeat smth, i apologize since I wrote this very out of order
“Yeah, I reckon you do.”
“So, time heals all wounds, I guess.”
He does know she knows. Surface level, he knows she does. But, personally, I think he wants to hold her (maybe im projecting a smidge, maybe not shh). To tell it to her over and over and repeat it until his throat runs dry. So she really knows. So she feels how much he wants her to know. To feel how much he loves her. How much he cares and wants to carry it all for her. How he wishes she’d just tell him so he can do more than attempt to cheer her up during the day. He can’t solve it, of course not, but to be of more use. To be able to do something more for her. To give every ounce of what he has to her.
“So, time heals all wounds I guess.” Personally, just based on the time I’ve spent on the analysis, that is how I see it. He has opened up to her about this part of him. The same Joel Miller who told her “we keep our histories to ourselves,” is the same Joel Miller sitting here beside her telling a big part of his history. She mentions time. That time is what has allowed him to open up to her. That time has healed enough to talk openly about Sarah, or openly at all. That time is what has made him smile more. She doesn’t view herself as that important to Joel. She loves him (will cover in their roof analysis but who knows when that’ll happen), but she does not think that he loves her the same. She downplays her importance to him. She doesn’t believe she’s played any role in healing him. She doesn’t think he looks at her and sees the person he loves most in his life like how she looks at him. But we, as viewers, know that is so far from the truth. I mean, ten minutes prior to the giraffes? During the giraffes? I know that man's face was sore watching her smile and giggle. I thought he was gonna pass out from smiling as big as he was. But Ellie doesn’t see those types of looks. She doesn’t see him stay up all night to watch over her. She does underestimate what she is to him. Who she is to him.
He, again, does not look at her for a moment. He knows it was her and not time, and very accurate to their relationship, finds a way to beat around the bush of ‘being direct with your words’ when it comes to their more heartfelt and emotional conversations. He fidgets with his mouth again, showing his anxiety in what he’s about to see and the hope that she understands the weight of just how heavy and meaningful it is.
“It wasn’t time that did it.”
My! Funeral! IT’S SO PROFOUND. This is EXACTLY like their porch conversation. Okay, maybe not exactly for obvious reasons, but it’s very similar. I mean that in the similarity of, “If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment, I would do it all over again.” In an anon ask earlier, I (and that anon) mentioned how the first game and their game relationship in general is more work-based love as opposed to a more spoken or verbal love, which is more the theme of the show. But that line in tlou2 is very much a spoken “I love you,” from Joel, much like Future Days also was. But for this line to happen in season 1 and it being so similar to tlou2 game Joel and how he says “I love you” to her struck me as being comparable.
I mentioned how Ellie has downplayed her importance to Joel. She does not hold an understanding of what she means to him like what he means to her. She believes he cares, sure, but she doesn’t know exactly the weight of what they are. What she is to him. Who she is to him, and how that someone, that family, that daughter, the role in his life that has been left barren for the past twenty years is now sealed again with her.
He has been fidgeting this whole scene. Fidgeting with his feet, hands, biting his cheek/lips and messing with his jaw. It’s the anxiety and being open and vulnerable. But the second he says this, he’s still. He doesn’t move or fidget in the slightest because he is so sure of what he’s just told her. There’s no room for anxiety because he doesn’t feel anxious saying it. There are no nerves attached to it. He has believed it for so long and so strongly that, once it’s out there, there is no fear. He is so sure of it.
The way he looks at her. The tears in his eyes. Sure, he’s been thinking about Sarah, her death, his attempt, his feelings back then, all of that. But those tears are not for that. He’s crying over her. He’s crying because of what they’ve become. That he’s looking at his saving grace. The little girl who gave him something to fight for. How that barren part of his heart has been filled with her presence. Her killer smile he’s grown to love so much. Her laughing that brought him out of a panic attack. The little girl who made him giggle like a little kid until they fell asleep. This little girl whose hands are so tiny compared to his and who fits into his side like she was built for it. How her puns annoyed him at first and borderline uncomfortable, what he then ends up encouraging and even rating them with her.
And instead of an “I love you,” which, truth be told, they really don’t need, he tells her she’s the object of his healing. She’s the reason. After twenty years of endless trauma and baggage and violence, she is what’s healed him. She’s healed the cracked fatherhood in him. It is…so incredibly loud. To look at her this way. To agree with her that he has been healed, is healing, and she’s the reason. She is the reason. She is his reason. He is looking at the little girl who saved his life. His face, everything about it, is full of love and the realization of who she now is and what she’s done for him, and he could not be more grateful for her.
Another anon in my box the other day mentioned that, in the episode 5 podcast, Craig and Neil say that Joel has this thought of, “this is going to be me and her” when he looks at Henry and Sam’s grave. And, as anon said, this hits much harder knowing his past now. She would die and he would not be able to handle that again. He wouldn’t miss, would not hesitate, and would not flinch. Why flinch? He just lost the light of his life for the second time. Losing her once and then hanging on by half a thread of twenty years until you find her again only to lose her soon after would be too much for him. That grief would consume him for all but two minutes until he did it again, not flinching this time.
And she realizes it now. As much as he means to her, she means the same to him. You are what healed me. To know that she is the reason for the biggest change in him as a man. That she, just as she is, has let her light shine on the Joel Before that has been buried so deep. That that man is brought to life again because of her.
To quote Craig or Neil from The Last of Us podcast: “But never did it occur to her what she meant to him. It was always, ‘What do you mean to me?’ And when a child hears something like that, it is overwhelming to them. And you can see her struggling to process it.”
I think that she does struggle to process it, but I think she also understands what he’s just said. She hears his “I love you” and she settles on it. She accepts it. She accepts that she means way more to him than she ever believed she did. She accepts her importance to him. That she has shone light on him. The reason he is changing is because of her.
She accepts her position in his life now. As family, but more importantly as his daughter. She has never been a daughter. Marlene was not a parent to her and she never knew her mother. She’s never even had any idea as to ‘what’ a father is or what he should even be like. It wouldn’t have been a big concern for her, either. But then this man comes in and he just can’t help himself but protect, provide for, care for, and look after, even though she was just a job. Then, through their time together, that’s what they become. Joel associating Ellie as his daughter earlier than she would’ve viewed him as an ‘actual’ father considering her view on exactly what that is may be a little skewed having never had one, but I think this is what does her in. To hear this man tell her just a fraction of what she means to him. Her eyes go wide for a second when she realizes, and she inhales and exhales, letting the words settle and take root in her heart. She accepts it completely, right then and there. And she tells him it back without words, until she does.
Even after she looks away, he watches because…well he loves her. And you see him swallow the lump in his throat. The type of lump where you’re very emotional and trying to keep from crying and it just builds and builds until it’s burning in your throat and you have to force it down.
And I just. I want to eat a bin full of cotton balls. I want to swallow fiberglass and bite my fingers off like carrots. Waterboard me. Pepper spray me. Bury me alive so I suffocate alone and under six feet of dirt. I’m in agony.
“Well, I’m glad that…that didn’t work out.”
I believe her “I’ll follow you anywhere you go,” is as much of an “I love you” as this is. She wouldn’t have him if he succeeded. They wouldn’t know each other, she would’ve never known or had a father like him, and she wouldn’t have felt as loved as cherished or love and cherish someone else nearly as much. There is so much they would’ve missed out on if he succeeded. And she, as good of an emotional communicator that he is, tells him she’s glad it didn’t work out. She is glad he’s alive and that what they’ve gone through has brought them together in this way. With them, you know, having trouble communicating their feelings and emotions with each other, I think that’s why she hesitates after her first “that”. She doesn’t want to be blatant (because they don’t really do blatant and in your face) and say, “Well, I’m glad you’re here and alive,” because that’s a little too feely, so she changes it to the action not working out and, while understood, his life. But he knows exactly what she’s saying.
“Me too.”
He has…an appreciation for being alive now; and it’s because of her. He has gained a reason for living, breathing, and protecting, and she is it. And he is as glad as she is that he didn’t succeed. That he did flinch. His head turned or his hand shook too bad. His prolific “no’s” and his trembling hands, cursing himself and crying for missing but failing at the courage to try again; to being thankful and crying BECAUSE he missed. Twenty years later, he’s glad he flinched.
And he wipes his tears away as she watches him, similar to episode 4 after he apologized and she used her sleeves to wipe away her tears (except he looked away lmao ep9 Ellie doesn’t care about privacy). He has never been like this with her before, so to see him CRY OVER HER and to wipe those tears away really shows her the love he has for her. She never saw the way he cried to Tommy nearly begged him to take her because he loves her too much and was too afraid he’d get her killed. I mentioned her settling on that love and understanding it, and a part of me believes she does, but to watch him cry OVER HER is, like from the podcast, an overwhelming thing. She means so much to this man, her father, and she doesn’t really know what to do or if she should comfort him or reassure him. I mean, if my dad did something like this, I also think I’d feel awkward about receiving something as profound as that.
“We should probably get going.”
“Yeah.”
She gives him a moment to wipe those tears and lets them have a moment of silence before changing the subject with how uncomfortable the air is getting with how open they just were with each other. She brings them back to what their goal at hand, lightening the mood slightly and Joel immediately grabs his rifle to stand, but Ellie stays for a moment, watching him go to sling the rifle over his shoulder. With everything that was just talked about and revealed and the very obvious confirmed love between the two of them now, she watches him. From slamming her into a wall and threatening her life, calling him an asshole, her being blamed for Tess’ death, their Jackson argument, and anything in between, they’re here. They’re here, bonded and secured fully as father and daughter, as each other’s best friend, and help any motherfuckers who stand in the way of that.
