#lamethings

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Today I wake up,

I take a breath,

And I

Choke

my emotions have come to life around me

Taking shape as a poison

A miasma of disaster

every thought an enemy to my own

Wrecking my insides with every inhale

I exhale

And I choke

On the inhuman sounds of grief ..

Losing myself ..

who is that in the mirror?

Who am I today? Will I be the same tomorrow?

Do I even want that?

Maybe.. as I lay in bed

I consider the alternative

What if I didn’t inhale? Would I still be suffering?

So then I wouldn’t choke? And choke again. And again and again. Sometimes the peace of darkness feels better than the dread of a new day.

Yet for some reason I choose to breathe.

Every time.

Every day

confusing myself in the process,

Who chooses to be In pain? To go day in and day out and never have a better outcome.

if you do something enough times is it still consistency and repetition

Or

it is insanity and a disconnection.

i grow weary and weak from the stagnant air that loiters around me but I stilll breathe.

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In the end I am always reminded how little I mean to this world and to the people who claim they care about me. Why do they play games with me. Why do they lead me on when they don’t even want me. Why am I always the crazy one for expressing my wants and needs and holding them accountable to their own words. I’m no good. I’m nothing. I am garbage always waiting to be thrown away by the next person. I’m too much. I’m too much. I’m too much. I’m not worth the effort. Not worth the energy. I would give up if I didn’t have my pets, best friend, and dad. I’m meant to be alone. I deserve nothing. I’m sorry for existing. I wish I was better. I wish I could find someone to see value in me. Every ducking time I find value in myself, I lose it when the person I talk to let’s me down. I’m not crazy for wanting reassurance. I’m not crazy for wanting to be told you care. I’m not crazy to ask for more affection. Fuck you.

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missing my last fuck buddy a lot :,(

we were friends and talked for about a year consistently. He would come over almost every week.

But I moved and now I miss him. Not even just his bomb skills in bed but our conversations and the way he treated me.

I’m lonely and sad rn! Fuck the quarantine and virus

P.s I’m sick with symptoms and my anxiety is at an all time high. I’m losing clarity in reality. My emotions are raging and I feel awful.

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Eeeek so today I told my supervisor I was sorry if I ever overstepped a boundary if I was too flirty but he be flirting back!!!! Just tryna get a mood and put my feet in the ground before I say something wayy outta line and get in trouble lmao. Anyways tho! Waiting for him to respond >.< hope that wasn’t too bold of a move haha fuck

On the dark side though a part of me feels like he might just be a nice flirty type of person but who knows.

Edit:!!!!!!! Hell fucking yeah. He told me I’ve been great and that he might even like all the flirting. :) sooo that’s my green light.

Edit:2

FUCK

it’s decided. He flirted hardcore with me today and even made a joke about us going Into his office so I could see his MONUMENTALLy sized surprise he has for me. All while leaning in and then he winked and boy.. that shit made me blush. He even hugged me today so you know it’s real. Sigh... it was a day for the books. And now I can’t stop thinking abt it UwU

Edit3. He told me “obviously I like you” and hugged me 2 more times today. Unfortunately for me though they taking him to a different shift sooooooo I hope he doesn’t forget about me :,( he’ll be back eventually but ugh that is sooooo totally my luck smfh.

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both are current thoughts taking space in my head

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Also to my followers I did have to delete my nsfw twitter :/ sorry </3

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update to my sexy supervisor. He wasn’t here today so I couldn’t inquire to see if he wanted me to message him. I took the opportunity to point out the irony of him missing today right after he got on my ass for missing on Tuesday lol. And it’s flowed into smooth conversation. 🥺

It has me wondering if this is going to turn into a sweet YA novel or a sad story kinda thing but fuck it! Live in the moment and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there once in awhile. Strike every opportunity that comes your way, especially if you want it.

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This is my blog!! And I post for ME!!!! If you don’t like it go away!