T

soft and sweet

[http-tal]

“roaring like a lion you’re only a liar reminding me of dandelions that i light on fire shooting stars go by tearing out my heart every wish i made tore us farther apart”

— why do you make me feel this way

[http-tal]

“Who are you to make me feel this way? I never let you in, but you’ve decided to call me home. You lead me into situations I don’t want to be in. I can’t escape from you. Always hovering over my shoulder, you’re a looming shadow distracting me from the light. I yearn for better but when ribbons of light shine through, you smother them; you smother me. I need to breath but you won’t let me. You’re no longer the shadow behind me, but the monster controlling me. I am a foreigner in my own home now.”

— Depression changed me. (via http-tal)

[http-tal]

Today I wake up,

I take a breath,

And I

Choke

my emotions have come to life around me

Taking shape as a poison

A miasma of disaster

every thought an enemy to my own

Wrecking my insides with every inhale

I exhale

And I choke

On the inhuman sounds of grief ..

Losing myself ..

who is that in the mirror?

Who am I today? Will I be the same tomorrow?

Do I even want that?

Maybe.. as I lay in bed

I consider the alternative

What if I didn’t inhale? Would I still be suffering?

So then I wouldn’t choke? And choke again. And again and again. Sometimes the peace of darkness feels better than the dread of a new day.

Yet for some reason I choose to breathe.

Every time.

Every day

confusing myself in the process,

Who chooses to be In pain? To go day in and day out and never have a better outcome.

if you do something enough times is it still consistency and repetition

Or

it is insanity and a disconnection.

i grow weary and weak from the stagnant air that loiters around me but I stilll breathe.

[kisxmesoft]

[softcherri]

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[http-tal]

In the end I am always reminded how little I mean to this world and to the people who claim they care about me. Why do they play games with me. Why do they lead me on when they don’t even want me. Why am I always the crazy one for expressing my wants and needs and holding them accountable to their own words. I’m no good. I’m nothing. I am garbage always waiting to be thrown away by the next person. I’m too much. I’m too much. I’m too much. I’m not worth the effort. Not worth the energy. I would give up if I didn’t have my pets, best friend, and dad. I’m meant to be alone. I deserve nothing. I’m sorry for existing. I wish I was better. I wish I could find someone to see value in me. Every ducking time I find value in myself, I lose it when the person I talk to let’s me down. I’m not crazy for wanting reassurance. I’m not crazy for wanting to be told you care. I’m not crazy to ask for more affection. Fuck you.

[heavensghost]

Yves Olade, When Rome falls

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1. Mary Oliver | 2. Katherine Mansfield