I rewrote this chapter, and a lot did change! The beginning not so much, but the reason in the rewrite was that I thought I could write this better? And I left out a bunch of things that I felt like were needed in the story. I'm sorry for the long wait, but hopefully, I can get the last chapter out soon! Feedback is always appreciated!
Ao3 link
8 Years Old
Lance was having recess outside in the school playground when he saw a group of kids circling around this boy. He noticed how all of the students seemed very interested in what one of his classmates had to say with the way their heads would lean in closer to the sound of his voice, and the way their eyes never left the boys face. He had never seen so many kids listen to someone this way, not even the teachers. Curiosity got the best of him so he trotted his way over to see what was getting everyone’s attention.
When he got close enough to listen, the boy said, "And they told me they were gay!" Lance thought to himself. Gay? What does that mean?
As if someone had read his mind, another kid asked, "What is that? What does gay mean?"
The boy who was sharing this new word look at his classmate and began to explain.
"It's when two boys date, like a girl and a boy, do. But my mom told me it wasn't normal and that it wasn't okay."
Everyone's eyes went wide, they had never heard about two boys dating. Lance had never heard of this either, he doesn't even think much of dating, he's only 8.
Before the conversation could continue the teachers started calling out to the students meaning that recess was over and instruction time was going to start again.
As Lance started getting in alphabet order to line up for class, he couldn't help but think about what he just heard.
It isn't natural the boy had said. It's not okay, the boys' words repeated in his head.
And Lance thought to himself, why is it not?
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12 Years Old
Lance was in 6th grade now. While all the other kids went to a regular middle school, he went to attend the Galaxy Garrison. Lance had always dreamed of becoming a fighter pilot and flying a spaceship to Mars.
He got lucky enough to get into the Garrison. But, even though it was a school to prepare you to go up into Space, you still had to take the same curriculum you would normally take in a typical school.
And honestly, Lance appreciated that. He needed something that grounded him to normality. He needed to be busy with work that wouldn’t be about the same thing constantly and that wouldn’t bore him to death. He had to feel like he could fit in with those that were outside of this small cramped up facility. He wanted to know about more than just Space. He wanted to endure the same struggles the people outside of the Garrison would. He didn’t want to be different.
Things seemed to be going how Lance had hoped for with things being normal.
On his first day of attending the Garrison Lance had laid his eyes on this girl with shiny, short black hair and glimmering emerald eyes. His heart thumped rapidly, and suddenly he lost focus of his surroundings. This girl was cute. Lance wanted to talk to her but, the bell had rung before he could have a chance.
Lance thought about what his older brother Marco had told him before he started school. He said something about him entering the age of girls and crushes and that eventually, he is going to fall for one. And being Marco, he gave him some flirting tips, and how to win a girl over. Lance didn’t think much of it at first. He thought Marco was crazy. But, then his family had chimed in and said how he must prepare. Then he thought, that maybe it wasn’t so crazy, and they were truly trying to help.
But other than his crush on Jenny, Lance had encountered bigger problems.
By that he means puberty.
And he just learned how puberty is a real bitch.
Recently Lance had gone to the beach with a couple of his new friends from the Garrison. Lance had always been a social guy, he always had friends. So going out to the beach wasn’t anything new to him.
What was new to him, was this new feeling.
When his friends had hit the sand, Lance had followed behind them. They were all so eager to get in the water to cool down from the nasty heat.
He slid off his shoes and started to peel his shirt off but, something had stopped him.
Right in front of him were his friends. They were shirtless. And Lance didn’t really know why, but he started to stare. Something about seeing a bunch of guys with their shirts off and the sun hitting their skin making it glisten had set something off in Lance, and he didn’t exactly know why, other than the fact that his trunks felt really uncomfortable now.
He snapped out of his thoughts and removed his shirt while turning himself around at the same time, trying to not face the direction his friends were in. He didn’t want them to see the visible hard on going on in his shorts, so he tried to distract himself with setting up the food and towels until his boner went down.
He didn’t know why he reacted that way. He had always seen guys shirtless, what was new about it now?
Lance decided to blame it on puberty and hormones for making his body react in such a hormonal way. He felt better placing the blame on something else.
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Ever since that incident at the beach, Lance dreaded the times they would have to change in the locker room. He would try not to look at other guys and became rather uncomfortable with himself yet, he found himself scared. He feared that someone would catch him staring at the other guys and that he wouldn’t recover from it fast enough. So, Lance had found a solution which was to often look at the ground and at his own shoes instead of focusing on the others.
Lance was finishing up the knot of his shoelaces when he felt someone slide themselves on the bench and next to him. He stopped the movement of his fingers and looked up to see who it was. He recognized him as Tim from his algebra class. They had talked a couple of times but, not much, they usually had minimal conversations when training since they had known each other in a different class.
He tried for a smile. “Hey Tim, what’s up?”
Tim grinned back, but it quickly faltered as his smile had become rather uncomfortable.
“Hey Lance, I just wanted to ask you about something.”
“Sure, what is it?” Lance asked.
Tim’s eyes looked across and he pointed at a boy with black hair and pale skin, though Lance could only see him from the back and couldn’t really tell who it was.
“Doesn’t it make you kind of uncomfortable?”
Lance’s eyebrows drew together as he really didn’t understand what this guy was getting at. “What would?”
Tim cleared his throat and looked around awkwardly, “You know…He’s gay and he is in the boy's locker room, doesn’t it make you think he might try something?”
Oh my God.
Oh my god.
Lance couldn’t believe he was hearing this. Hearing it on the news and seeing it in articles was one thing, but experiencing it in person made Lance sick to his stomach. How could someone be so inconsiderate and insensitive?
This was exactly why Lance faced his shoes when he was in the locker room. Because of people like him.
He wanted to tell the kid he is wrong for thinking that, and that he should mind his own business. But, he felt like something was preventing him, and he didn’t know what. So instead he just looked at the boy and back at Tim.
“Nah, chill dude, just mind your own business and ignore him and nothing will happen.”
Lance finished tying his shoes and rushed over to the track field, angry with that kid, and angry at himself for not saying how he truly felt. He didn’t know why he felt so angry. Maybe it was on behalf of that boy. However, what he did know now was that he didn’t want to deal with that bullshit.
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13-14 Years Old
It was that time in the school year where kids would have to strengthen their skills on argumentative essays. All the students in Lance’s class would have to think of a topic they could argue about, then they would turn it into the teacher in a sticky note. Lance being Lance had procrastinated when he was given this assignment about two weeks ago. He was down to limited time and had to find a topic fast since it was due the following day.
When he arrived at his dorm room, he saw how his roommate wasn’t there. Which he was thankful for, he didn’t want any distractions. So he pulled out his laptop and began searching topics on google.
It was when he came across the LGBT section that something drew him in.
He looked to both sides of his room and checked the hallway to make sure no one was around. Once it was clear that no one was around, he proceeded to do his search.
Doing this made Lance think back to the times he would watch YouTube videos of LGBT people. He liked learning about what they were going through and wanted to have somewhat of an understanding of what they go went through so that maybe one day if someone needed it, He could be that someone that could empathize with them.
But doing this also reminded Lance of how he would have multiple tabs open to switch around in case one of his parents or siblings happened to peek at his screen. Since his family mainly knew Spanish, they couldn’t really read what he was doing. But seeing something on a screen? They probably would know what he was doing.
Lance hated that he felt like he was doing something wrong, and he was ashamed of it. It’s not that Lance was afraid of his family seeing this. He knew his family was perfectly accepting of everyone. But he couldn’t help but be scared about those few family members that seemed uncomfortable of the idea. He also didn’t want to give them the wrong idea that their son could be gay when he wasn’t.
Thinking back on this made Lance realize that maybe he shouldn’t do his topic on gay rights. So he exited the page and looked for a different topic.
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Space
Over the course of a couple of years, Lance had gone through the most whirlwind of emotions he had ever experienced in his life.
Finding out about aliens and about this intergalactic war was crazy. But, seeing five mechanical lions that could form into this gigantic robot killing thing was even crazier.
What had put the cherry on the top of that sundae was the fact that four other teenagers, including himself, would become the pilots, or paladins as they Alteans liked to say, of this so-called “Voltron.”
It had taken a while to get used to being in Space, and fighting off Aliens but, it wasn’t an experience he regretted.
Even though he was homesick a majority of the time, and felt pretty lost. He found out some really cool things about himself. Like how he was a great sniper, how adaptable he became to his surroundings. How he became a much better pilot after flying two lions.
Even with all the good experiences, bad ones came too.
Being without his family had made Lance really lonely. He didn’t have his Mom’s food, didn’t have his siblings to annoy him. He couldn’t play around with his nieces, be the best Uncle he promised them to be.
He just felt so empty.
His time in Space had opened a new door of insecurities and anxiety Lance had begun to feel along with confusion.
He was always confused these days.
Lance couldn’t find an explanation as to why. He spent a lot of the days in his room staring up at the ceiling, stuffing his head in a pillow, changing his position in bed from left to right trying to figure out what exactly he was feeling.
Allura was one of the leads to his confusion.
Picking up Allura from the cryo-pod she was about to fall off of was the start of a long painful journey for Lance. He thought her multi-colored electric blue eyes were gorgeous. Her chestnut skin glowed, and her light pink v marks that were on the lower corners of her eyes, but just right above her cheekbones were definitely not human. But they were out of this world for sure.
She was pretty, it wasn’t deniable. At first, this had turned into infatuation. She was a Princess, but, the more Lance got to know her, the more he started to admire how much of a brave and selfless she was. How determined she was to fight, to end this war, how she stood up for peace.
This ultimately ended in Lance falling for Allura. Something that had formed from careless flirting, and pick up lines had started to turn into feelings. And quite honestly, Lance was scared. Sure he wanted the princess to notice him, but he wasn’t ready for the emotional stress of his feelings.
Cause who was he kidding? Once Lotor came around, he saw Allura’s type. Her type was a diplomatic Prince. And Lance? He wasn’t a Prince. So from that point on, Lance had decided to try and get rid of his feelings. To focus on his missions.
To focus on his missions.
Just focus on your missions. Things will work themselves out.
This was just another thing that had piled onto his conflicting emotions. And he really didn’t know why.
It was Keith for fuck sake.
He didn’t exactly know what it was about Keith that made his brain split into two whenever he saw him or thought about him. All he knew is that it wouldn’t stop.
Back at the Garrison, Lance admired Keith.
Even though he tried to play it off as a rivalry, he just didn’t want to be one of those annoying people that would suck up and idolize. It just wasn’t his thing.
Playing things off as a rivalry, made Lance feel like he could strive harder to try and get to Keith’s level. It made him more competitive, it required more communication with Keith. Communication was what Lance wanted with Keith.
But, it’s not like he was anywhere near Keith’s level anyway.
Despite their constant bickering, Lance liked hanging out with Keith. He liked being around him. Even though he would always say otherwise, he truly thinks Keith could be a good friend of his.
And once Lance had tried to throw away that whole rivalry bullshit and tried to be more open to Keith. Well to say the least.
He left.
And Lance didn’t know why, but when Keith brought up about the Blade of Marmora missions, Lance couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss and guilt.
When he told Keith he was going to miss him. It took him by surprise, but he knew that he somehow meant it. In this weird way, he really was going to miss making fun of Keith.
He was going to miss his impulsiveness.
His bravery.
Fighting alongside him.
His stupid voice.
His stupid mullet.
Lance couldn’t really pinpoint why he felt like this. Why he felt a void when Keith left. Why he felt so isolated and lonelier than usual with him missing. Why he felt this ache in his chest and why all the energy was sucked out of him. Why he felt so giddy whenever he heard updates about Keith from Kolivan, and how upset he got when the call would end. Why everytime he thought of Keith, guilt washed over him as he wished he could have made more out of the time they had together.
Lance only started to figure out the why’s when Keith first came back to the team. He felt so elated, so happy, so relieved to see him. Yeah Keith pushed him aside, and it hurt, but he knew there was a mission they had to focus on.
And having Keith back had made Lance feel more focused on his missions than he did prior. He didn’t feel that void anymore. His Team Leader needed him to be his right hand. He felt, completed again.
He completely figured it out after the events of the game show. Bob was an asshole but, that thing he said about Keith, he didn’t realize how much he really meant it.
He’s our leader, plus he’s half-Galra, so I think he’s, like, the future.
He was being careless at that moment, but coming to the big realization now, felt like a bucket of ice cold water was poured over him.
Those voices had started to come back again. Those voices that had haunted him since he was a kid was starting to swallow him up again. He had just gotten rid of them, and now they’re back. And it terrified Lance.
How would he get them out now?
He looked at his surroundings. He was in the Red Lion’s cockpit. No one was there. All he could hear was Space.
He was going back home.
Why were these thoughts coming back now? Why when he was supposed to be happy about finally going home?
Why was he feeling this way?
He grabbed his pillow and silently cried. Trying to get them out of his head like he always did.
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Present
Fighting the war with how he felt wasn’t easy. But, he somehow managed to pull through and make it out alive. He was finally home, he was with his family. He can be free from all trauma. He can now live his life on Earth as a normal individual.
Except the voices didn’t stop.
Every day, Lance would see Keith at the Garrison and aboard the Atlas. Every day, those stupid thoughts would drive him crazy.
Multiple times, he had been poked by one of his friends that had tried to jar him out of what seemed like a never-ending tunnel of taunting voices.
He had enough.
Lance knew exactly who he should go to. He knew that this person would try to make some sense out of his complex feelings.
That’s why he was going to Shiro.
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Lance had felt anxious, to say the least, standing in front of Shiro’s doorway. He would bring his hand up on the door then immediately bring it back down. He paced around, trying to find the courage to just knock, until he finally said, fuck it.
Before he could second-guess it any other, he knocked on the door.
The door opened and Shiro’s silver eyes widened in surprise. His white hair was disheveled and Lance could see those permanent bags that had formed from all the stress and PTSD he had to endure all these years.
But somehow, Shiro was able to maintain a welcoming smile.“Lance? What brings you here?”
Lance looked at him nervously but gave him an awkward smile. “Hey Shiro, I hope you’re doing good and that you aren’t busy. I was wondering if I could talk to you about something?”
Shiro’s eyebrows quirked up but he still welcomed Lance inside. Lance sat down on the couch while Shiro went over to his freestanding hot-cold water and filled two paper cups up. Shiro then set it down on the counter and sat down on the seat across from Lance and took a sip.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
Lance felt every nerve flare up. He suddenly felt his leg bob up and down, but he tried not to concentrate on it. He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration, and tried to level his breathing.
Why was this so hard? He came here for help, and now he suddenly can’t speak.
“Lance?” Shiro looked at him worriedly. He placed his hand on Lance’s and Lance became hyper-aware of the touch. Like it was the only thing grounding him at this second.
“I’m sorry for acting weird,” Lance started. “I just don’t know how to really say this.”
Shiro removed his hand and he folded them, nodding in understanding. “So how about we start with this. If what you want to tell me is really hard to say, then try to describe it in another sense.”
Lance thought for a moment, then he knew how he could say it.
“Ever since I was a kid, I had always grown up confused. I thought as I got older, that maybe I wouldn’t really feel confused anymore. That maybe, one day everything would make sense.” Lance fiddled around with his hands nervously and took another breath. “But everything has always just gotten even more confusing, and I really just feel frustrated, it’s driving me nuts Shiro. Why can’t it stop?”
“Why can’t what stop Lance?”
He shook his head in frustration, “These feelings! This confusion I just never know what’s real, or why I always feel so confused. Why are my feelings so twisted? I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
Shiro stood up and sat by Lance, placing his arm on his shoulder. “What type of feelings are we talking about here?”
Lance looked down at the floor. “Romantic I guess?”
“For Allura?” Shiro questioned.
Lance felt himself shrink. “No..”
This seemed to surprise Shiro, “Well is it Pidge-”
“What if it's for a guy?” Lance said cutting him off.
“Oh Lance,” Shiro said. “If you have feelings for a guy, then that’s okay. You want advice on how to act around a guy or-”
“No, Shiro, I-” Lance threw his hands exasperated not really knowing how to say it. “This isn’t normal for me Shiro, me feeling this way for guys. It’s just not- I don’t know.”
For a moment it was quiet and Lance could only hear the sound of footsteps from outside Shiro’s dorm. Shiro didn’t speak for a while like he didn’t know what to say. But then he cleared his throat.
“Are you afraid of your feelings?” he asked.
Lance looked up at him to meet his eyes, but then he looked down again, not finding the strength to keep a hold of the eye contact.
“Yeah,” he said. Though it was barely a whisper.
“How come?”
Lance stood up, finding himself not able to sit around anymore and he paced around the room frantically. “Because I’ve always liked girls Shiro. Liking a guy, it’s just weird. Like, why do I have to like guys? Why couldn’t I just bury these thoughts down any longer? Why can’t I keep them away? Why me Shiro?” Lance sighed and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
“Do you have anything against gays or-”
“No!” Lance squeaked. “Absolutely not! Sorry if I gave off that impression, trust me, I’m not. I’ve always been accepting of others and have supported those rights and literally thrive off of how happy people are when they are in love, with whoever it is. I just, I don’t know okay?”
Shiro grabbed his cup again, “So about these voices, I think you should tell me more about them. What do they say?”
Lance sat back down in the chair Shiro was previously sitting on. “Well, I’ve had these voices since I was a kid, though why they come? I don’t have a clue. They literally like to mess around with me. I actually think I’m going insane a majority of the time.”
Shiro set his cup down. “What do they say?”
“They tell me I’m gay or something, or that I like guys. And I always try to reassure myself that I don’t, that it is just my hormones, that I actually don’t like guys. And they do go away, but they always seem to come back, and now its stronger than ever.”
Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “You want to hear my honest opinion?”
“Please..” Lance pleaded.
“Lance, I think you’re in denial. I’d say you’re bisexual, but you don’t want to accept it for some reason.”
Lance felt a knot in his throat, and a heavy weight on his chest. He felt tears starting to sting his eyes and he felt so closed up. “That’s the answer I was afraid of.”
“Why?” Shiro asked.
A tear fell out and Lance wiped it away. “Don’t you see Shiro? How people get treated for being different? Just because of who they love? I don’t want to be one of those people Shiro.”
“Lance..” Shiro began. “You know sexuality isn’t a choice right?”
“Of course.” he sniffled.
“Then why do you think you can choose what happens to you in life? You don’t control it. You never can. The same way you can’t help what happens to you in life is the same way you can’t help how you feel over someone. It’s not choice, it's a part of you.”
Lance tried to look up and instantly regretted it. The tears he had been fighting back had spilled over and started to sob. He cried and cried until he felt strong arms embrace him.
“Why can’t I just accept myself Shiro?” he choked on his sobs. “Why can’t I be happy with who I am and be accepting of my feelings. The world isn’t so bad now, why can’t I just be myself? I never thought I would have to go through this but-” more sobs. “I-I just feel so alone, and I’m tired of fighting with my brain, I can’t ever win.”
Shiro rubbed circles on Lance’s back and kept a hold of his embrace. “Shh, Lance, you aren’t alone. I understand why this can be hard for you, you’ve been scared your whole life of being different. But, being different is a beautiful thing,” he said. “I think life would work out better for you if you just learned to accept things and stopped fighting your brain. You can’t help who you are, and really? You just need to let yourself feel for once.”
Let yourself feel.
Lance didn’t think he could cry any more than he already has, but he was wrong.
He suddenly remembered why he considered Shiro his hero when he was younger. Shiro owned up to who he was every day. He wasn’t afraid to love who had been Adam back then publically, and he didn’t let anyone get in his way. He lived his by every day, spreading love. Something Lance thought he would never have the strength to do if he was in Shiro’s shoes.
He latched onto Shiro, afraid to let go of what seemed so safe. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Shiro patted his back. There was silence but, it wasn’t awkward. It was needed. Then Shiro pulled back and placed both of his hands on Lance’s shoulders.
“So if you don’t mind,” he said making Lance’s eyebrow go up in question. “Who’s this guy that’s changing things for you?”
This is the last Julance Day for Lance’s birthday month so let’s make it last, his spirits have already traveled to his home Cuba and now they’re starting the process of legalizing same sex marriage. Now that’s some Lancey Lance power!
