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Hod is the "palatable" version of Ayin that he will never be.

Ayin wants to be Hod so desperately bad. He witnesses her mistakes, her self loathing, her hard work all stemming from this desperate need for validation, the abuse she's subjected to, that gut feeling that all of this is meaningless because it doesn't change the irredeemable evil that she believes she is and sees himself in all of that. And, like, obviously, they're similar. Ayin is similar to everyone he put in this weird death loop chamber, right? That's the whole point of his self punishment in a way. And yet, it's Hod he hones in on being his direct parallel.

But he's not Hod. Nothing Hod has done is comparable to any of Ayin's sins. She's not even that bad, especially in comparison to the other sephirah, yet she can't shake off the feeling that she's an awful irredeemable person because that's all anyone ever allows her to be no matter what she does. She can't undo her so called betrayal. Ayin wants that to apply to him so bad. And the fact that it doesn't infuriates him.

He claims that Hod calling the head is the reason he can't forgive her, but it's clear this wouldn't be something he'd be so fixated on if he wasn't so dead set on hating her to begin with. In a way, he doesn't even hate Hod. He deeply cares for her and admires her. After all, there's a reason his abuse towards Hod still act as some form of self harm. He's fully aware he's unfairly projecting onto this poor girl who's trying her best to some extent. But does that stop him from saying the two of them will meet in the same spot of hell together? Does it stop him from telling her they're no different from each other, even after she broke down and poured her heart out for everyone after everyone else drove her to her breaking point?

Does he not realize that literally everything in a person he wanted to connect with was right next to him the whole time? Or was he too busy making a version of Carmen in his head for himself and Hod to continue to victimize with their existences?

"Isn't it crazy how Hod is just so irredeemably evil for... Making a phone call out of genuine concern? That's definitely the same as the time loop bullshit I pulled. My vilification of a child. My revenge on Binah. Angela... Who gaf about that kid- OH MY GOD I RUINED CARMEN'S LIFE! OH CARMEN!" Something is wrong with this guy. I like him.

Fun fact: Ayin committing suicide in that one timeline could also somehow be stretched into him trying once again to be Hod 2.0.