HodTime

(He/She) Jewell/Topazz' PM fan blog. 90% ramblings of an Angela, Ayin, Carmen and Hod super fan. Ayin/Carmen QPR truther and artist and Carmen apologist. NOT spoiler free!

[o-velocity]

what you see 2 secs before getting an execution bullet to the face

[thetruthisinthenoise]

You wouldn’t just let her die, would you?

[seikvrqa]

what kinda lobcorp did you guys play

[obfuscatedtext]

i dont have anything deep to say i just like her a lot

[00reveries]

my traffic lights look abit different

[hodtime]

Transfem demigirl aroace Carmen is everything to me. I feel the way lobotomy corporation and library of ruina portrays queer coding makes it highly interpretable so I can see many reads of Carmen existing but this one stands out to me the most. Her relationship with gender and queerness being distorted by the person she cared about most into embodying cisheteronormative girlhood in the form of a child who resents those very same things really puts her relationship with Angela in a fascinating light. Not a lot of people talk about how Angela hated her connection to Carmen but she also heavily relied on her for comfort. Mother/Daughter trauma bonding...

I'm very attached to the headcanon that Carmen introduced Ayin to microlabels and that's when he discovered he was a demiboy and how he realized he wanted a QPR with Carmen before eventually discarding such things as incomprehensible and trying to embody the image of a cishet abuser out of self loathing instead. It just lines up with everything perfectly.

I, like, never mention post ruina content but I really love the conversation in leviathan between Vergilius and Carmen. It says so much about her, obviously, but it's packed with so much double meaning and queer coding. "After my death, I realized everything I did was out of obligation to be loved and accepted. I was so caught up on whether I was truly doing anything to make a difference in the world out of love or just my secret selfish desires to be loved. Did I really manage to make any changes about the state of how things were? Or did I just want to be one of the good ones? And after it all ended in tragedy and my actions only left everyone worse off, I realized none of that matters as everyone is acting for themselves in some way. Is it really such a horrible thing to feel good about yourself?" She really is the girl ever.

I stand by that distortion, while messed up, is not inherently evil or born from nothing but hatred. It's the consequence of the city suppressing everyone's desire to escape from the puritan regime that it runs on. Obviously, I'm a few cantos behind on limbus so I'm no expert on revelations on the worldbuilding(I've also never really been good with remembering worldbuilding details. I think way more about character stuff than plot stuff.) but the way it reflects ours in subtle ways is truly fascinating.

[ayint4t]

Angela.

Angela I have done something so fucking funny.

[obfuscatedtext]

there is no graveyard to bury the parts of yourself you have lost

[hodtime]

I want their gender so bad.

[thehiddenking]

something about ayin hating angela because he saw so much of himself in her is so... aaaugh; my proof is their eyes. they are a not so subtle "Frankenstein & his monster" inspired father daughter relationship, and with angela it's so evident in her eyes.

the bright yellow eyes that ayin cant bear to look at because he shares the same exact ones. when he looks at himself, he sees Ayin's Daughter and not Carmen's daughter. he sees himself and it makes him sick because he cannot stand himself, he used carmen to feel good about himself, because if he followed her, he'd be doing good. he'd be making a utopia.

unfortunately, life doesn't work that way, and angela is ayin's daughter. she's everything he hates, but not because she was born that way, but because he abused her. she copes in the same way he does, and she lashes out. tells herself she isnt human and it doesn't matter.

she will never be carmen. she is ayin through and through. they have the same monstrous yellow eyes.

[hodtime]

Why are you acting as though Ayin didn’t confess his feelings to Ben? Why else would he have allowed him to be the only other sephirah asides from binah to keep his memory it’s obviously so that he can remember all their romantic escapades over the millions of years for him.🫩

Ayin pretty explicitly loved Benjamin and basically enacted a romantic lover's suicide between the two of them, yes. Actions do speak louder than words so I think that much is apparent. The thing with Ayin though is that I don't think he ever examines his feelings for Benjamin or the fact that he loved him in an earnest manner in the same way he doesn't examine any of his relationships beyond the way that makes it easy for himself to understand which is ultimately surface level. A lot of Ayin's attempts to examine his relationships with the sephirot always capture a chunk of it but end up missing the mark. Think of Hod's meltdown cutscenes for instance.

Benjamin and Carmen is one of the biggest cases of this where it's clear he had a special relationship with the both of them but he also romanticizes them rather than think about the actual things that made them connect in the first place because it requires fully humanizing everyone involved. Ayin and Benjamin could have confessed and been dating the whole time and he'd still send his robot daughter to take his life and turn him into a robot so the two of them can die together upon figuring out Benjamin's confessions being genuine instead of just saying something.

This is why the Carmen reveal is as harsh as it is. She's the exact catalyst of Ayin refusing to properly understand someone and how he feels about them. And Ayin doesn't even know what his relationship with Carmen is at the end of the day. Whether they were lovers, friends, or something else entirely. The Benjamin flashback we get after the Hokma meltdown is the Angela creation where he agrees to fade away with him forever, the exact thing he wanted to hear above Hokma's pleas in reality.

I didn't mean to imply Ayin/Benjamin were one-sided, far from it, but rather that the core of lobotomy corporation is the many ways Ayin avoids truly examining how he feels about others and instead settling for the safe and palatable version. And despite this, Ayin still wants to dehumanize himself most of all.

Sorry if I've conveyed this poorly and for the prior confusion in my initial post. I'll always keep in mind Ayin is an extremely interpretable character on the account that he barely talks so his actions, small monologues and other peoples' accounts are most of what we go off of but I also find Ayin's exact words and choice of memories to explore intentionally worded to serve his ultimate goal of erasing himself rather than to truly care about the others' individuality and I think that makes for a fascinating character, especially when Hokma is the closest to breaking this mindset but still ultimately gets used as a stepping stone.

[ratbuchet]

i love you hod

[ratbuchet]

what was his problem actually

[erimakis]

heaven

[seikvrqa]

i love them very much

[managerx-stupidblog]

We're going to kill you

[ayint4t]

[hodtime]

Who cares about backgrounds, am I right? Laetitia Angela is so cute, I love her, so I wanted to try and give her design a go. Would probably make for a cool holographic charm given her canon design kinda looks like the filter.