I woke up early before fajr, I prayed as best as I could with the full intention to fast... and I made a dumb mistake. I don't know why but I thought the fast was meant to start at sunrise, not after fajr, so I drank water and coffee before I realized.
Now I'm not sure what to do. I felt so much hope when I learned about Arafah yesterday. I read that I could be forgiven for all the past year's sins if I fasted today and I made the intention to do that, and its so early and I already failed.
I'm not sure what to do now. Should I continue and fast until after Maghrib? Should I fast longer to make up for the error? Is it too late to fix it? What is best? Please give me advice.
The more I learn about Islam's attitude towards women, the more I realize that much of what is viewed as "taking freedom away from women" is actually just an assumption based on western men's gross entitlement to a woman's body. They assume if they aren't seeing it, it means she is being unfairly gatekeeped from them by another man. They make it out as her loss, but in truth he is the one left wanting.
The idea of a woman wanting fair and reasonable boundaries from unrelated men while participating in public life for her own sake is a concept so alien that it never crosses their mind. In their heads, a woman's sole motivation for being present is to be visible to them. Not to be a full human being capable of our own goals and experiences, just to be pretty and gain their attention. That is how little women are valued to them.
I'm in a very weird place with my faith. I have prayed in corners, but I have never seen a masjid. I wear hijab when I'm alone and expose my hair when others can see me. I haven't taken my shahada yet but I feel like the idea that Allah isn't the one God is just, absurd. I cannot explain it either but I just know.
I asked Allah to soften my heart and show me what faith is like when I was at a low, because I was arrogant and didn't think it would ever happen but I was desperate enough for a change that I was willing to try it. Well, He did it, because of course Allah can do it if it is His will. I know that now.
But now I have to live with the fact I have this certainty in my heart that Allah is real and Islam is true, even when the things I've been taught tell me to doubt it or denounce it or call it wrong. My whole life is set up contrary to Islamic values and I don't know how to turn it around without making a mess of things and potentially ruining things for myself in ways I cannot fix.
Even with this certainty in Allah that I can no longer escape, I am scared I am wrong. I know its sounds strange. It's this weird conflict I've got going on in my heart, where the old me wants to be the absolute moral arbiter on things and to take the path of least resistance and most immediate gratification. But there is also a new me that is trying to come into being, a version of me that has been touched deeply by the grace of Allah. It's hard. Or maybe I am just weak. Either way, this has been a difficult and strange time for me in terms of my faith.
Once thing is for certain. The longer I spend learning about Islam, reading Quran, learning prayer, and coming to understand what it really means to have a Muslim mindset about the world, the less and less anything but Islam even seems like a real option. I cannot even fathom returning to satanism, or polytheism of any kind. Now that I know better, not just being told but really hearing it and understanding it as it can only be understood through the word of Allah, I cannot unknow it.
I can never go back to worshiping idols, worshiping desires, and most of all I cannot imagine returning to the idea of worshiping the self. Allah has broken me down and shown me exactly how weak and helpless I am in comparison to His power. Allahu Akbar. There's just no way for me to deny it. I can't not believe Allah is the greatest no matter how much it complicates my life to accept the truth.
The Internet is a Hostile Environment for the Truth and I Wish I Could Be Done With It Already, But I Can't
So often, I'll see things in my pinterest feed that say "Islam forbids X" or "You must do X in Islam" and it's just, some random person talking. Not a scholar of any kind, no references to the Quran, nothing. It could be true, but it could also be half-true, or it could be based on a weak hadith, or it might just be entirely made up. Without sources, there's no way to check.
It's really annoying because I end up passively taking in this information as I'm passively scrolling on my phone and then it's like, wait a minute, did a prophet even say that? Is that even in the Quran? Or is that just the opinion of a person out there who happens to be muslim? And there's no easy way to get an answer.
The nature of social media is so exhausting. Not knowing Arabic, it can be really hard to figure out what's true and what is a misunderstanding even when I have the proper source. Add in all the weird political agendas and cultural traditions that people may want to force onto you as a stranger and it just becomes a mess. But the nature of algorithms is that if you look at anything related to Islam, you will be fed more content about Islam, and the algorithm doesn't know or care what is correct.
You can't get away from it even if you try. It's so easy to just absorb information in passing and never stop to consider it deeply, and then end up with a completely false idea of how Islam views something. Meanwhile, fact-checking even the things you notice you are reading is a whole job in and of itself. Most of the time, I don't even know where I would begin to look to verify or debunk things. It's not like I can just casually read through the entire Quran in Arabic every time I'm wondering "Oh, is that really in there?" when someone claims something with absolutely zero source.
It's easy to tell myself, oh, I just won't listen to anything that doesn't have a source provided, but that's a lot easier said than done. Again, we scroll on our phone's absent-mindedly a lot of the time, and many times you'll end up reading things in passing that you don't even really notice you're reading. It just happens, and then the information makes its way into your subconscious mind without an ounce of critical thought. Then later, I end up with the inkling of "Hey, maybe I shouldn't do that," or "Hey, isn't this mandatory?" based on what I read... but I have no idea where I read it or what to do about it! I can't just do the opposite of every claim I see without a source, or I'm just as much of a fool because it could very well be true and I just don't know why yet.
Googling the questions can help at times, but sometimes it just leads me down the rabbit hole of deep scholarly debate that are overwhelming when I barely understand the surface level. I don't know how to digest and think critically about the level of thought and historical context that scholars are engaging with. I'm not well educated on Islam, I'm not well read in the Quran, I don't know the history of the area of the Quran was revealed in, and I'm completely reliant on others to translate for me.
I suppose it's all just a part of my test. It's just so confusing, and at times frustrating. I imagine having an offline teacher or tutor or even just friends and family who could guide me would solve a lot of these issues, but that kind of support system is just not a luxury I have at the moment. The very anatomy of modern social media is so hostile to the spread of accurate information though, and I'll be very happy when I no longer need to turn to the internet first in order to learn about Islam or connect with muslims.
I read Al Kahf today because I learned it's sunnah to read it on fridays, and listened to a few lectures about it as well by Dr. Haifaa Younis. I absolutely love her lectures. It really helped me understand the meaning and context behind the Surah that I would've been oblivious to otherwise. Now, it's one of the most beautiful to me.
There's something about hearing it from an older woman just resonates better with me than a young woman or a man. Obviously I don't actually know her personally but she just feels trustworthy to me. Absolutely recommend any of her lectures, but this one seems the most fitting for a friday.
