Im such a baby, I've been crying so much about him and it's been almost 4 months already. I just miss him so much it hurts. I've already coped with the fact that he's gone, I just can't stop being sad about how he was in so much pain that he felt taking his life was the only way out. I wish we could've helped him more, given him a new view and made him happy. And I can't stop my mind from thinking about how he ended it and it gives me a dull feeling inside my chest, one of the questions that hurt my heart more than anything was, if you were smiling when you left.. if you were happy to be relieve of the pain, I'm so sorry jonghyun stans reading this, I just can't stop myself from thinking and these things, tearing myself apart. I love and miss him so much it's indescribable. I've lost someone who helped me through so much and here I am spiraling out of control again. Im trying my best, in the end I hope they'll tell me I did well too. I hope to see him again when my time is done but hopefully I can pull through and be alright so it won't be for a while. I love you Jonghyun, I hope you are doing well.