Le Journal #10: I Will Stop Longing for You
It’s been a long time, Dear. Years have been passed in silence.
I still remember vividly, how I hid in the back of your house, throwing some pebbles with my friend. She wanted to tease and get your attention a little, so I helped her. Of course, you didn’t come out to check, because back then, when you used to have an emo-styled hair, with a face resembled that of a prince, most of my girl friends were crazy about you, and you might know about that. Yet, I was the only one in the group who didn’t harbor any special feelings rather than a second-hand admiration. It wasn’t because I didn’t find you attractive. It was merely because I didn’t want to like someone who became everyone’s favorite. I thought that was so cheap. So I spent my teenage life listening to them squeal whenever you showed up or replied to their embarrassing messages out of kindness.
As soon as their admiration came, it wilted away. And at some point in my life, I had a crush on someone who looked like the vocalist of my favorite band. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I was such a foolish back then, in different ways from my friends. This lasted for quite some time, until my closest friend told me that he was going to get married, and she said that his soon-to-be bride was beautiful. I remember that I was upset, but then I let it go, for it was only a silly crush.
And then, years later, I don’t know how or exactly when, you happened. It was like a natural habit, to hope that you would come to every event that I attended in our village. It was like a habit, to take a quick glance at you and pretend not to notice you for the rest of our time together with our friends. It was like a habit, to play it cool every time I bumped into you and shut my mouth as tight as possible because I couldn’t for the life of me find any words whenever I saw you. And, it was like a habit, to like you in silence.
The day you walked up to me and sat next to me in a meeting, I still cherish it like a treasure, because that might be the first time we really talked to each other. While some of our friends cooing at us and accused you for trying to get closer to me, you asked me about my school. What I was studying, what jobs could I possibly got if I was International Relations, what semester I was in, things like that. And I asked you back. A little bit stung, though, when later I knew that you had a crush on one of my friends, who was none other than my neighbor. The moment the news broke out, my friends were all against both of you. They were so jealous. And there was me, trying to smile and accept the truth with a big heart. No one knew how close you two had got, but my mom told me that both of you went somewhere together and asked me if you both were dating. I had a hunch that that was true, so I only told her what I knew so far. Later when I heard the news from my mom that your parents were against your relationship with her, I didn’t know what to feel. Because while I never really stopped liking you when you were close to her, I thought that you two would make a good couple.
Many months later I had to live on without your presence. Your little brother told me that you were out of town, probably for work. I kind of tried not to think about you, and that actually worked. Even when you came back, it was still like how it was before. I took a quick glance at you, I played it cool whenever I bumped into you, and I hoped that you would attend every event that I attended so that I could see you.
Lately, I told my close friend from university days, that I had a crush on you. I never told anyone this much about you, but I kind of trusted her. She was so curious that she asked for his social media accounts. So I looked for them and I found your Instagram account. Proving that I didn’t intend to keep it for myself only, I gave her your IG username. And she followed you without second thoughts. But I, I’m still hiding somewhere, too shy to follow you. I know I’m such a coward, but this has always been me, you know. Because of her excitement, she asked me which one you were because apparently you posted many of your friends’ photos, so she screenshot them and asked me to point out. She said that you were cute and I genuinely smiled at her statement. Days passed and she always told me every time you liked her IG posts. She was always excited when that happened, and once she told me that while you were still single, she still had a chance to be your wife. I knew then that she started to grow some admiration for you though she obviously knew that I liked you, and I was faced with the same situation again and again. I didn’t know what to say or to feel. I don’t know if she was joking or just trying to make me jealous like close friends would do, but I was actually hurt. A little bit. So I was joking and offering myself to be your & her matchmaker. She said yes and of course I told her I was joking after. I thought of giving up on you ever since. Just...It’s kind of hard to throw my feelings away just like that, so I keep being excited when I see you. And I never tell myself that it’s not ok to still like you after I decided to give up on you for her. Even until now, she always tells me whenever you like her post, and honestly, what does she want me to say to that? Because I clearly don’t have anything to say.
Just yesterday, we met in my best childhood friend’s wedding ceremony. And it was almost like a fate that we were appointed as the representatives of her friends to receive gifts from the groom’s family. We exchanged words, at least, although we didn’t really talk long and comfortably. And after that, just like ever, I tried to ignore you for the rest of our time together. When the time for photo group session came, you came up and said, “Let’s take photos (with the bride and groom),” without looking at me. I wasn’t upset at that time, but now that I’m thinking about it, I AM upset. And it was almost like a fate again, when the photographer asked me to move to the groom’s side, because there were only two girls including me and we had to balance the number of people on both sides. There was you right next to the groom, so I was standing between you and the groom, until someone from the other side said to you, “You’re wearing different uniform from the rest of us. You should move away to that side.” Yes, it was almost like a fate if you wouldn’t step aside.
You and I are too bad to be true, I’m not good enough for you, that’s why fate might not be pleased with the idea of us together. Maybe, just maybe, we aren’t meant to be. Maybe my feelings for you aren’t strong enough to be true. If I think hard enough to let you go, maybe I can convince myself to do so. If I’m not meant to be in your life, I will stop wanting you. And if I’m made for you, then maybe sometime in the future, you will be mine. In circumstances we never expect, I will see you with your ever familiar face. We will have a lot to talk. I’m so looking forward to that day, if that will ever happen in our life...
For now, I have to be happy for whatever may come. I hope you’ll find someone best for you. If it isn’t me, I’m happy for whoever she is. Be happy, always. I love seeing your smile.
With love,
Me