There is an epidemic sweeping this nation at a rate specialists say “may be too fast to stop…” Thousands of young women are on track to having future spinal problems and possibly facing paralysis. The culprit of this epidemic is nothing more than a simple pose: the ever so popular tilt of the head and hand on hip--The Desperado--young women like to strike for their camera phones will one day mutilate their spines. The Desperado was named after the desperate nature of young women seeking a man to fulfill their lifelong dreams of becoming ‘the’ trophy wife of the neighborhood.
The Desperado pose was created to fool the eye of a prospected Beta male or fraternity member (a.k.a. ‘Bro’) and has some very distinguished purposes. The most prominent being the disguise of the second chin of the female posing. This allows her to appear thinner on the photos she posts to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder, and other similar social gatherings sites. The slimmer profile will merit more ‘likes’ from these Beta males, as the hand on her hip creates an optical illusion that presents him with the notion that she does indeed possess child-birthing hips, when, realistically, she has the hips of a fifteen-year-old skater boy.
Spinal specialists are saying that the multitude of pictures taken in the Desperado pose to achieve “like, just the right picture,” in addition to the terrible footwear choices these women are making, will cause serious spinal disfiguration. The pose compresses all the vertebrae on one side of the body and the hand placement slowly shifts the hip bone into an angle that will offset the rest of the spine.
It is projected that if a young woman would starts posing like this at the age of 11, by 21 she will have a ten degree deviation of her spine, making her look like the leaning tower of pizza in heels by her bachelorette party. These women may appear like hunchbacks, trolls, or ogres by the age of 40 with a constant stream of drool running down their shirts and onto their implants (due to the duck-face, expression in conjunction with Botox injections). Others are facing a lifetime in a wheelchair, which is a terrible fate, even for the most determined trophy wives, since popular designers, such as Gucci, Chanel, and Louis Vuitton, have yet to design wheelchairs. These women will have to settle for generic brands, such as Medline and Drive Medical, further crippling their image.
A test group of young women were told to alternate the sides they would lean to; however, he results did not swing in their favor. It was found that the women who alternated the direction had other problems, such as:
-Cauda Equina (Lose Spine Syndrome): The support of the back is lost. Thus when a woman attempts to stand up straight she fails and flails wildly. One subject attempted to maintain balance by raising her arms into the air, yet she gave off the impression of a wacky arm flailing tube man and the Beta thought she was trying to sell him a car.
-Skank Walk: The hips become so disconnected that even a no-booty woman will shake what little she has as she walks down the street. At first, it was not considered a problem for the Betas would be drawn from a distance, but upon closer inspection, they ran off back to their PBRs.
The biggest issue the test group had was keeping track of how many times they leaned to one side. One test subject “like, totally forgot” she had to change sides after her third tequila shot. Another test subject said, “I don’t count because I am a fashion design major.”
The researchers have since given up on the testing and have advised the youth of America to stop trying to be something they are not. They are encouraging individuality and supporting the journeys of self-identity without the mould created from a shallow and insecure woman.
When the founder of the Desperado pose, Kim Kardashian, was interviewed, in regards to the health defects of her new fad, she had this to say: “I feel that every woman who wants to be strong can pose in any fab way she likes. So what if it causes spinal issues? If you look great when a handsome, rich man—Like Kanye-- makes you his wife, he can always buy you a new spine or hire servants to take care of your kids.”
