Okay I don’t know but all of a sudden this became really important for me to say. I want you all to know that I do not always act on the feelings portrayed here.
I write down my worst thoughts, everything that comes up and I don’t have a place for I just jot down and make art with. Some things are true, like I do self harm sometimes. Way less than I used to though. I do think bad things about situations and people sometimes, but I try to not go around like this rage filled human being who’s just throwing shit at everyone. This all is the reason I make art. I do not want to be that person. When I was 15 I ruined everything by just following every single impuls my brain gave me. I fought with people all of the time. I was angry all the fucking time. And now I just.. try.. I try to at least work shit out with myself. To make myself behave. I can’t control my thoughts, but I can at least try to control my actions.
I’m not perfect, I mess up. I hurt people. We all do sometimes. I might be a little bit too much for people. Sometimes I can’t make myself behave. But I try.
I just hope that when people see this art they know it’s not who I 100% am. Or how I want to be. I try. I really really want to be good. I really want to get better. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be too much, too harsh, too sensitive. I don’t want to think all these things but I can’t stop it. But I do my best to keep myself accountable, to not hurt anyone (but myself) and even hurting myself I want to do less.
By any of this I do not imply that relating to any of these things is bad. I just want you to know that having a mental illness, but it’s not an excuse to go around and just act on every little thing you think/feel/experience. And that’s hard. It’s unfair how each of us will have to think twice while feelings might rule in the moment. And it’s okay to mess up, to need time to get there. But it’s possible. I hope. I believe, somewhere deep deep deep inside.
