Hello,
If in 2016-2017-2018 you were in the Undertale AU fandom and followed me, this post is for the people who have been asking questions or wondering about me.
Back then, I left and deleted everything in a second and disapeared, and doing so I ghosted, hurt and worried a lot of people, followers, friends, also people who paid for commission and never got them.
For those people, I still have a list with your usernames, refs, and the amount paid, if somehow you stumble on this post, don't hesitate to contact me, I wish to pay you back. I'm really sorry.
I don't remember what I said when I left, I only remembered the panic I was in. Probably said a lot of stupid shit. Anyway.
I don't have any excuses.
I used to be an angry jerk, now I know that. I guess it started as a funny personna, it got to far at some points. There are a lot of things I wish I did or said differently. If I ever hurt you, I'm sorry.
I tried to forget all about this short era, I was terrified of it, of people finding me, of seeing those old drawings, or even read about the game and the AUs, it was exhausting, but it did last almost ten years, so, now I'm here. Probably more for my own closure. So even if nobody end up finding this, I'll still write for myself like a time capsule sort of thing I guess.
When I left I deleted everything, and only used internet for chatting with friends and streaming shows. That's it. I saw the entire internet as a hostile place that wanted to chew me out. I don't exactly remember why though. But that's why people couldn't reached out to me, I changed my discord too. I became a hermit, had one friend left, pushed all the other ones away, moved back in my parent's house, did nothing but smoked w**d morning to night. For 5 years.
Those who rumored that I died, you were kinda right then. I was a shitty messed up bastard, a real cruel pessimist. I used to think I wasted those years, but know I see I needed them to realize a lot of things.
TW this part is gonna talk about trauma if you don't want or don't care you can skip.
In those years I realized I was traumatized, not from the last thing that happen, but by a lot of things I never had realised before, like I needed to hurt this bad to open my eyes. I used to say I didn't know what I was fucked up, that I've never been hurt, that my only guess is that I was a spoiled child and everything was a tantrum.
So turns out, I have c-ptsd from CSA, SA, abandonment, childhood negligence and abuse, insest, and grooming.
I'm borderline and autistic and if I listen to my friends, I'm a system too.
So this is not an excuse, more like an explanation, although I'd understand many people would be mad I even mention those things. I really wanna be better, I think I am now.
I got out after 5years, saved by my last friend and people who didn't even knew me but allowed me to take refuge in their home anyway.Helped us find an apartment and ways to make money. It's not a figure of speech when I say I'd be dead if I didn't leave that day.
But enough self loathing, I live better now. Moved, got a job, treatment, therapy, met new friends, even got engaged. I'm broke as hell and fat and I still get triggered hard as fuck some days it feels like dying again, but it's so much better.
So, I guess that's the news. Got tired of running away from these things and honestly having sans the skeleton as a trigger was pathetic to me, it was time I worked on that.
I still look at all the fanarts I got sometimes, and all the fics that have been written, for an AU with only a few drawings and only one freaking chapter........ Despite everything I'm so thankful for those and I miss the fun I had with many of my old followers and friends. I don't think I'll have that ever again. I don't really draw anymore.
That's it. I'm alive, I'm sorry, and I'm thankful. Hit me up if I owe you money.
