It’s easy to lose yourself in the identity of “Mom”. I see myself as just that, and a proud one to boot. I love, absolutely love, watching my son grow and learn. He’s brilliant and amazing! Everyday is something new. And don’t even get me started on an 11 month old’s sense of humour. It blows my mind! He warms my heart and makes me love in a way I could never have imagined. I could go on for hours about every tiny detail from the way he eats his breakfast (really loudly, I might add) to the diaper free evenings and how amazed he is at the sight and sound of his own pee as it splashes on the floor (oh, boys!). But that’s not what this post is about. I’m talking about this struggle to find balance between being mom and being me. I know it’s a real struggle and I’m not the only mom to have it. But I also know it causes feelings of guilt. “Am I being selfish?” “Why aren’t other moms longing to be more?” “This isn’t about me!” I’ve wondered if this makes me a bad mom but through conversation with like-minded mothers, I’ve realized that this isn’t something to be ashamed of. Being a mom is the greatest gift. Hearing your baby say “mama” for the first time is simply unexplainable. Your heart bursts with so much love, it’s insane. But, I think, as a parent, this balance is crucial. It needs to be there because we actually lead by example. If I forget who I am because I am only being mom. How will I teach my son to be just him without having to validate himself by what the outside world sees him as? I am a mom, again, a very proud one. But I am also Chelsea May. So who is Chelsea May? I know who I used to be. I used to be adventurous and fearless. I was spontaneous, creative, careless at times. I had faith that everything, good and bad, happened for a reason. The universe has your back. Everything is a lesson.
As much as I like to believe I am still that person, motherhood has instilled this, sometimes completely irrational, fear that is so hard to shake. Constantly thinking “I can’t let him cry for too long, he will have abandonment issues and never have a stable relationship” or “was that tone of voice too harsh? Will he be emotionally damaged because of the way I said no”. Then there’s “he has to sleep in our bed just in case somebody breaks in and kidnaps him”. Always second guessing the choices being made in fear that it will determine the entire course of his life. Every single day. Then there’s spontaneous. On a whim! Whatever, whenever. There’s no such thing with an 11 month old. Planning, preparing, over preparing before even thinking about stepping foot outside the door. With all the planning and prepping, who has time to be creative? I do, however, still have faith that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason. The universe, or a higher power of some sort has your back and everything is a lesson. The only difference there is I don’t want my son to experience the hard lessons that life throws you. I want to protect him from all the hard, hurtful, heartbreaking lessons. But it’s inevitable.
So, how do we find this balance? This is what I have come up with. Just let go a little. Holding the reigns too tight doesn’t allow any room for mistakes or time for yourself. We need to stop being afraid that we will ruin our children by setting boundaries and allowing ourselves to be just us. We need to remember that, yes, we are moms, but also still just human. We don’t have super powers. We also need to remember we are something else to other people. We are daughters to our parents. We are somebody’s wife or girlfriend. We are a friend. We need to tend to those relationships as well as our relationships with our children and our relationship with ourselves. It’s easier to shut everybody out and focus on just raising your child. One relationship, one person to tend to. That’s easy. But what about when they don’t need us anymore. They have friends that they always want to hang out with all the time. Or girlfriend/boyfriends. Or when they go off to college or just set off to explore the world. Who are you left with? You are still a mom. But you don’t need to do all the mom things anymore. You have all this time for you and you don’t know who you are. You don’t know who your spouse is. All you know is your child. And he is off learning about himself. That is scary. To be left alone with yourself; a stranger. I don’t want that. I don’t want the thought of my child growing up and becoming independent, becoming a man, with his own family to be something I am afraid of. I want to celebrate it, encourage and be proud of that without feeling like I need to control or “mother” him abrasively through his adult life “Oh, I made you your lunch for work, my 33 year old son” with a note attached that says “Mommy loves you forever”. Okay, so that’s a little over the top, but you get the point. I want to be me and let him become himself. There is so much pressure to be this perfect mom, your child and your home have to be your whole world. This isn’t true. So instead of doing the laundry when your baby is sleeping or child is occupied. Tend to you. What do you need? I always think this about laundry or dishes “I need to take care of this now while I can or its going to be a much bigger and overwhelming mess to take care of later!” But if you look at that thought in a different, bigger picture way and apply it to yourself, it makes much more sense. I’m okay with cleaning up a bigger mess in the house later. I don’t think it will be that easy when it comes to myself or even my relationship with my spouse. So take some time out of your daily life to be with you. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. You don’t have to go backpacking in Europe for a month leaving your child at home, to find the core of yourself again. Just take an hour, even a whole day if you can find a sitter. Do something for yourself. Just baby steps. It is possible to grow and learn about yourself, as your baby grows and learns about himself. It just takes more effort. But it’s worth it for everybody. You aren’t selfish. You are just becoming whole for you and your family. Love, love, love your kids with all your heart. But find room in your heart for you. Balance is key.
