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I am contemplating, again and again with no conclusion. I can't seem to figure out you, what I think of you, what you mean to me and if I should do all that at all. You should mean nothing to me, yet I cannot say that and mean it. I should not think of you anymore, yet I cannot stop my mind circling back to you. There seems to be something about you, something I can't pinpoint exactly, but it draws me to you, still. The pathetic part is that you don't seem to be having this struggle. It hurts. It still hurts. Please. Put me out of my misery. Give me a sign. Talk to me. Anything. Anything at all.
Letter 20
Dear 9gagger,
I'm writing to you again.
Summer has started, as you can see. I'll bet you're out of the country right now. You must be having fun. I'm doing swell, if swell is the right word. I'm recovering from what happened. The Youth Group is doing wonders for me. Maybe that's what I've been needing all this time: The Divine Touch from the Lord.(But I do think that a Divine beating is a better description).
I've been watching a lot of movies.too. A wide arrange of Animation to Real-time Movie Documentaries. I watched Forrest Gump. I remembered you telling me that you really liked that movie. I can see why now, though.Forrest acts exactly like you; from how you walk to how you look at things. I have mixed feelings with Jenny. Do you think the same way? I hope so. But given her position, I'd be just like her. I wouldn't want a sweet, sensual guy to settle down with a messed-up girl. I don't know. Jenny did her move a little too late. You were waiting too long and it was too late.
If you did not understand the paragraph above, I apologize. I speak in riddles, that's what I learned. Maybe that's why no one understood what I've felt all this time. I rhyme, yes. My words have always been twisted for them. My jokes find their way to turn themselves into insults despite my efforts. It really is hard to understand one's perception to someone, let alone change it. But it is also my fault to not explain, to you, and to others, what I was trying to say. I am trying to convince myself that it's better that way, but a tiny voice says otherwise.I was never good with handling people. I've been wondering how have I survived for so long.
Though I do believe that it is right for me to hush myself for now. Lie Low. Their Blood is still still boiling, and I need my time alone.
More letters and much love.
-MSAPS
Letter 20 - the one that broke your heart the hardest
---,
I didn't know I had a heart that could break. Thanks. Now I know I'm alive. I learned a lot. I liked some of it and hated some of it. I hope you learned something. There isn't much left to say now. Goodbye? That's all I really want to say.
Kylie 01/22/2014
Wednesday - 1/23/13
Mom,
It was four weeks yesterday since the day you passed away. Date-wise, the one month anniversary of your death is this Friday. Either way, it feels like it's been much longer than that. It seems like it's been forever since I've hugged you and, if that's how it feels after just one month, then I can't imagine what the rest of the year, the decade, or my life will be like. I miss you so very much. It's moments like this that make me glad I would choose random moments to hug you. All those moments I would make you stop what you were doing and get you to hug me. I wish could do that again but at least I can appreciate the fact that I took advantage of my opportunities while you were still alive.
Not having you around is one of the most difficult things I've had to endure but amongst all this pain I'm able to remember the great moments and feel glad that I had them. I know people have many regrets after a loved one passes but I know I have the privilege to be able to say that there is very little I regret. There is very little I would change were I to do it all again. So many people find themselves wishing they had hugged, kissed, or told their dead how much they loved them before they passed but I did all of that more times than I can count. Even though I wish I could hug you again and hold you tight forever, I know that I was at least able to show you my infinite affection over and over before you left. So, even though you would give me those funny, suspicious looks whenever I would stop everything to wrap my arms around you, I'm glad I did it. I'd like to think you were, too. I'm glad I was there to hold your hand until the very end and that some of the last words you head were "it's OK" and "I love you". I was there for you 'til the very end and I would do it all over again in just the same way. I don't think there could have been a better way to show you my love.
I know the last four months of your life were incredibly difficult and painful for you but I hope in all earnest the my company and my assistance made it all at least a little easier to bear.
Thank you for being such a wonderful mother and raising me as well as you did. Even though we had our rough patches and there were things you regretted, you taught me how to love wholeheartedly and without bounds and for that I am eternally grateful. I want you to know that you were amazing and you have nothing to be sorry for. You were absolutely wonderful and, if there's an afterlife, I need you to know that. You were the best and I love you more than words can tell.
Always with you,
your "vieja",
Erika